Mom,
If I ever decide to tell you
That tomorrow I’ll be gone…
What will your response be?
Would you support me?
Would you tell me it’s okay?
Would you tell me my decision isn’t wrong?
Tell me that…
Someday you will understand
That you will try
At least
I assure you
If you ever hear those words,
It wasn’t easy for me
So don’t try to change my mind
Don’t try to stop me
Don’t make me pity you
Tell me you will miss me
Tell me you’ll be sad
Tell me you’ll remember my last words
Tell me you won’t forget my birthday
Tell me you will cry
It’s not that I want to hurt you
I just
I want to know I’ve meant something
At least
Something
Apr 4, 2019
Apr 4, 2019 at 8:35 AM UTC
I can’t stand this
Why are you pretending to be the one who’s done nothing wrong?
I mean, you can’t do that to me
We used to be friends
We used to be so close
I used to be so close
I was so close to you, so close
I’ve never been closer to anyone
And I told you so much
And none of it was ever a lie
I swear, I never told you a single lie
And I can’t stand the fact that you’re not even bothered that we ignore each other
That we avoid each other
That we don’t make eye contact with each other
Even though we live in the same apartment
And how did I not noticed how double-sided you are
That the moment we grew apart you became so close
So close to the person you started talking against
You’re laughing so hard
So hard with the person you started talking behind their back
You’re having so much fun
So much fun with the person you started complaining from
How amazing do you think you are
Being able to pull that off
So-full-of-shit
Hay, hello, remember me?
Yeah, we used to be friends
Yeah, you told me how your mother
Said she likes your brother more
I was the one hugging you while you were crying
Yeah, you told me how your grandpa committed suicide because you found out too late about his Depression
That he was depressed
I was the one hugging you while you were crying
Yeah, now you only talk to me telling me to take my still wet plate off ‘cause you’ve got dishes to do
Yeah, I’m still around if you were wondering
But don’t bother, if you would even do such a thing, don’t bother asking how I am
Because last time you did, we were still friends, and I didn’t answer
Because last time you asked, I wasn’t fine
Last time I couldn’t talk
Because it hurt too much
And I don’t know what hurt
But it hurt
And I couldn’t tell you it hurt
Because I didn’t know why it hurt
And you can’t say that it hurts and then not tell where or why or since when
Because when you don’t give reasons, it becomes so “attention seeking”
And I wasn’t attention seeking
I was reason seeking
I was meaning seeking
I was support seeking
I was understanding seeking
So I kept quiet
And I kept quiet
And I kept quiet
And I kept quiet
And I kept quiet
And you couldn’t see the giant gulp stuck in my throat
Even when it was poking out, when it stopped my breathing, when it broke my jaw spilling it out
So I, still thinking that you will wait for my recovery, still thinking that we are so close with each other, that we are just distant for a while, I wrote you a letter
Still being in my “depression mode”, I wrote you a letter
Trying to explain to you, only you, I’ve never tried explaining it to anyone, that I’m so sorry for being difficult right now, that it’s not my fault that I can’t cope right now, that I don’t want this to be like this
And you didn’t even bother
You didn’t even bother
To reply
Just
A reply
And I
I, I broke
Because you couldn’t understand my Depression
You couldn’t see my pain, even though I was writing it down for you
Only you
And you didn’t even bother
You see, before you encountered my Depression, I used to think that we are so alike
I used to think that you would be the friend that I would want to spend my vacations with
Now I don’t know what I liked so much about you
Now I can’t find a single thing we have in common
And now I don’t want to be even as half as close with anyone as I was as close with you
And I’m, I’m afraid of calling anyone my “friend”
Because, I thought I know you, so I called you “friend”
But I didn’t know you, and I was trying to let you know me
And I was doing my best, showing you every particle of me
And you were only my “friend” when I was okay
And when I wasn’t, you couldn’t handle me being ignorant towards you
Because I couldn’t listen to your stories at that time
And you couldn’t be bothered with dealing with me… having Depression
I don’t consider that “friendship”
And I won’t let anyone so close as seeing that I have a gloomy side
Because I can’t expect that anyone would want to stay
When even you left
Mar 6, 2019
Mar 6, 2019 at 1:57 PM UTC
There’s a song that goes like
“I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams”
And I always wonder if the singer ever stops feeling lonely
If they ever stop walking their road and go home to rest
And I, I want to go home
Home where, when you enter, you suddenly feel warmed and recharged with life
And I, I want to go home
But I don’t know where home is
Because nothing feels like home, really
And I’m tired or
More like exhausted
But not because I’ve walked too much
Or because I’ve worked a lot, no
I’m exhausted from living really
Holding too much hope when everything ever is lost and hopeless from the beginning
And I just always fail to see it
People say that things will get better
But how would they know, really?
People’ve never been in my shoes
They don’t know my story
Yet they talk as if they do
Even if I try to lay it all outside, there’s always something that cannot really go through
Something that stays unsaid or
Said but fairly misunderstood or
Understood but not quite comprehended or
Comprehended but taken as exaggeration
And people say that it’s not that bad really
They say that time heals everything
But I’ve never found it
The pharmacy that sales “time”
And I can’t inject it into my system
And wait for it to cure me
Sometimes I think that “time” is a magical flower
Like those described in children’s happy books
The flower is so exceptional and rare that three sons sail on a journey to find it
Each on different path, encountering adventures, fighting three-headed dragons, making friends, meeting mermaids
And the boys return home as men
But only the youngest son reveals the most awaited magic
At the end, the flower glows, the father is saved and the men get married to the women with golden hair
The book’s last page is painted with the magical red and gold flower at the center, glowing and sparkling
In the back, long in the distance is the father’s old but lovely house
The elderly man in front is surrounded by his sons who are holding the hands of the most beautiful princesses
And they are all smiling
Because they are at home
And there is no place like home
The book is closed and child is asleep
Sometimes I imagine that “time” is just a concept, created by the human brain
That “time” doesn’t exist and nothing ever moves forward
Like “time” is the illusion, we came up with, to ignore our pain
Maybe with the hope to forget about how misfit we feel
And I wish “time” could help me too
But “time” doesn’t erase scars, cut deep into the skin
Nor does it glue back broken parts, dissolved into the soil
“Time” can’t paint new paths to long lost roads, flooded with cold tears and hot blood
It can’t translate never spoken words, kept hidden underneath the screams of silence
It can’t build up a home with bricks made of depression and wood of fake smiles
“Time” can’t fill the emptiness inside a human’s heart with sharp blades
It can’t treat the numbing with mental disorders
“Time” is no remedy
It does not cure any problems
“Time” leaves them unattended, collecting dust, making us getting used to our pain, really
Mar 6, 2019
Mar 6, 2019 at 1:19 PM UTC
Satan was sitting in Hell one day
He’s just realized that he was in love with a gay
Surprising himself, he felt kinda good
He placed his hand on his chest where his heart stood
Remembered the time when the first message was read
The kid was still young then, but so much he wrote, so much he said
Praising the Devil, the boy was obsessed
In the letter he wrote how much he felt blessed
For the Devil himself, he would gladly kneel
And if the Lord would just ask, the boy would not feel
The child never stopped sending the lists
Even though unsure if the Devil exists
But he always sent in for one tiny request
He asked for his ****** to die, to be dead
Year after year Satan would read:
“Please, Devil, please, let me just bleed”
The Ruler enjoyed it, to be worshipped for a change
The boy, though, deserved Heaven, despite it was strange
The Devil nodded, quite pleased
As the last letter read that the boy was relieved
The kid’s made a decision to fight for a while
To keep things concealed and for a few more days to just smile
That moment the Devil made his own choice
He was going to meet him, and so he voiced:
“I am going the Earth to bring here my lover!
Whoever dares to oppose him, shall never recover!”
And Satan took him and brought him to Hell
To keep him in sight and make sure that he’s well
The boy didn’t hate it, in fact he felt there more free
Despite a condition on which the boy did gladly agree
They sealed it with rings
And now Hell had two Kings
Feb 19, 2018
Feb 19, 2018 at 11:11 AM UTC
When I was born, my parents loved me
They raised to be brave and happy
They taught me how to smile and to laugh
They showed me how to build a castle from just scrap
They told me all the reasons to enjoy this life
And to this day… they still don’t know the reasons why I own a knife
And I’m afraid to show them that their little grown-up princess
Holds beneath her body-castle, just a burned-down body-ruins
There’s no way explaining how I got to this
I remember flying as an angel, when suddenly I was drowning into the abyss
From the daughter that they know, there is nothing left
They don’t understand what I hold buried in my chest
And how would they, they don’t know a thing
I never told them why I started hating spring
They can’t hear the wish I make to my birthday candle
And they are blind to my invisible battle
I can’t tell them I’m depressed
And I don’t tell them that for no reason I feel constantly stressed
They can’t understand my fear and need to be alone
I hide how much I want to cut me to the bone
How do I explain why the Devil feels more reasonable than all
And that I don’t want to fly, I want to be hit by a cannonball
I can’t show anyone the mess that I become
When no one knows what I hide from
I made this image of myself
That I’m a happy innocent elf
And no one should uncover
What cannot be recovered
That deep inside
Where nothing can be eyed
Lies a broken figure of a girl
That’s mommy and daddy’s little perfect pearl
Aug 19, 2017
Aug 19, 2017 at 8:56 AM UTC
When I’m in love, you’re the only one I see
I search for you and try to give you everything I own
Nothing matters more to me than how you feel
And I can listen to your voice, every sound you make, all day and night
And everything you have, will be sacred in my eyes
For you, my love, I will sacrifice my time and change priorities
So that you come first
You’ll be all I think about for hours long
And all my words will have for center you
When I’m in love, I tell you everything I know
I try to make you happy and comfortable with me
Everything I do, I hope you like
Because I do it especially for you
My heart becomes yours and you can do anything with it
I will try to remember all the small details that you hold
For you, my love, I will be tireless and shameless
So that you have all
And I will tell you all my secrets, and my prayers will be towards you
At night I’ll dream of you
How much I love you, and how you love me too
And I will harbor that the feel’s mutual
But little will I know the truth
For this is how I feel for you
Your feelings may not be so same
Even if you like me, even if you want to be with me
Sometimes things happen, and you spend the night in cheat
Or so sometimes I hear
I don’t know your thoughts and I can’t read your mind
If you don’t say it, there’s no way I’d know
You either be with me, or don’t touch me at all
Since I can’t do it for the night, I’m not just for the season
I give my heart to you, so I expect at least to be held with care
‘Cause I bound my love to you
And it hurts when tore apart
When I’m in love, I forgive your all mistakes
I pretend to be heartless, so that you can have your fun
For I accept your every laugh and every joke you make of me
I will stay all night wondering if you’re okay with how I speak
I will close my eyes when you turn to stare at someone else
Even if I cannot stand, I’ll open up the door for you
For you, my love, I’ll take your all bad habits, and make ‘em mine as well
So you that I’d be close to you
And when you need me, I’d be there for you
May 25, 2017
May 25, 2017 at 11:39 AM UTC
So you tell me if I write about my unrequited love
Then I’m a poet?
That the sadness spilling from my hands
Is actually my freedom?
That the agonizing feelings in my heart
Are beautiful and sacred?
You say if someone breaks my heart
Then it’s a masterpiece?
That crying myself to sleep
Helps me through night?
That my out bursting break downs
Are just a proof of pure and honest love?
And when I drown in my depression,
Writing things on which I hate,
You telling me that it is awesome?
Am I supposed to go along,
Feel all better,
Or actually continue on?
How do you see an upper side in this?
A happy string that’s wrapped inside my sadness?
How messed up should I be
To see it too?
My heart is hurting
And there’s nothing good in this
I fail to see the beauty
In the wounded core
Where’s the glory in the tragic?
Where’s the fame in being sad?
Horrid is no synonym of charm
It goes with hateful, cursed, offensive
It goes with rotten, wretched, repulsive
And weeping is no grace
There’s no glamour in being broken;
No elegance in crying out
Just as delicacy does not describe the dead
If a broken heart is what I need
To be a poet,
If beauty means to suffer much,
Then I won’t write a poem
Then I’ll stay ugly for the world
I won’t drown in the applause
Of the world of poets
If it means that I won’t bleed
If being broken’s what it takes
To write this poem being sacked,
Then I prefer
To keep my heart intact
Apr 25, 2017
Apr 25, 2017 at 8:07 AM UTC
Last night I saw you again.
You are perfect in my dreams.
Jan 23, 2017
Jan 23, 2017 at 12:59 PM UTC
Do you remember that night?
The night you died?
You ran to the sea
Almost unconscious.
Your body craved to be exposed
To the cold winter air.
You could almost hear
As your bones were trembling
Underneath your dry frosty skin.
The waves were calling you,
Beckoning you towards your future.
They stole your future.
As you were embraced by the water,
Your head was already filled
With nothing
But dread.
You almost fought for survival.
Submerged underneath,
The water was singing your name.
And you were dancing to the melody
That had you drowning.
And you were willing
To give it your last drop of air.
Your body
Was not yours to control.
It was already consumed
By the Sirens of the sea.
And your purple lips
Were singing
In sync with the Water Nymphs’ song.
And you were enjoying every second of it
For you have had enough
Of everything going wrong.
Your attempts
To go above water
Were more than plain hopeless,
For you had already soled your rightful place
In the world of the living.
Your skin was not yours anymore.
It was hardly even human flesh,
For it was blue like the sea.
You almost looked like a Nymph yourself.
Your teeth cracked
To the exposure of the winter air.
You were not welcomed above anymore,
You were to be endlessly in water.
Your whole naked body
Was chained
With invisible shackles,
Pulling you down,
Showing you mercilessly
Where you were now belonging.
Last attempt.
And the bottom cried your name,
Melting your fragile
Naked young body
In the icy depths.
Do you remember that night?
The night you died?
You ran to the sea
Almost alive.
And you seem to be pleased
With how the waves play
With your unsteady corps.
You seem fine
With the way they spin you around
Until you can’t understand anymore
Where is up
And where is down.
You don’t seem bothered
By the way the water
Mashes your head in the rocks.
You seem okay
With the sea draining your blood.
And you don’t seem to care
How the cold winter water
Takes your empty life.
Simply
You reached to Heaven.
And it reached to you.
You were endlessly searching
For something
More Than This.
And that consumed you.
Jan 18, 2017
Jan 18, 2017 at 3:53 PM UTC
So tell me I wasn’t just a summer game
Tell me that you still feel the same
Tell me (again) that you have sympathies for me
Tell me that it’s not just “you” and “me”, but “we”
Tell me that there’s something wrong with your phone, that it’s broken
‘Cause you know (fair well) that I’m sensitive, don’t leave me heartbroken
Can you speak?
It’s okay even if you call me a freak
Just call
I’m still waiting and it’s already Fall
But no... You wanted to play
A game to occupy you for the summer not just a day
And you chose me to be that toy
That would make your summer joy
I know, next summer you’ll talk about me and laugh
You’ll tell the story, though you don’t know even the half
The half in which I could give you all
While you were using me as your doll
To play with only when you wanted to
The half in which I believed your every word was true
And... You’re good with lies, I’m sure you know
That’s why it was easy for you, to play your show
You don’t know half the story that you think
And, though I too thought that we don’t sync
At least I tried to make it work, to make you happy
While you thought only about youself, you never looked at me
And I tried
Now where’s your pride
Can you look me in the eye?
Give me some excuse, tell another lie
It was always just you
From the beginning to the end, you knew what to do
After everything ends
You’ll sit with your friends
You’ll tell them the story and laugh
But you won’t even know half
I was (and still am) too good for you
And I’ll find someone new
Someone who’d turn the world up-side-down for me
While you’re alone and blowing on your tea
‘Cause you can’t appreciate anyone
You please yourself and you think you’ve won
Pretend to love, play out your shows
Make ‘em fall for you and undress their clothes
But they’ll see the truth at the end
And you’ll be left with no friend
Sep 26, 2016
Sep 26, 2016 at 5:53 AM UTC