ella-bella - Hello Poetry

I’ve been thinking about God lately And whats life after death Because I can’t get past the idea that my existence is confined to just this flesh I need to know if god is real And what heaven to book a room in Because I would rather sleep in beds with saints Uncomfortable in sheets that aren’t my own Rather than be caught up in the eternal damnation of my very own sins I want to know god Know god like I know the voice of my lover And I want to feel gods love like the promise of salvation he wrote in the bible thousands of years ago Because 80 years in this body isn’t enough for me Honestly 180 or more wouldn’t make me happy Because I want to hear the voice of my great grandpas voice again And my pops And I want to see my dog Plus all the people that will go in my life time I can’t live with a goodbye I’m not guaranteed I want to know if God is just some placebo put into place to bring comfort to our souls Or if I can out my whole life into the blind faith of a man I’ve never met before And what would eternity be like? Is it better than leaving a legacy thats starting out as rocky as mine? Does every day pass like a steady wind Or does it move slow like snails crawling over blades of grass? Will we know what forever is? In heaven can you look down on the souls wondering around below, Or are you in the constant worship of gods holy presence? I need the answers to all of these questions And clarifications for all of the possibilities And loops holes like reincarnations Because I’ve been thinking about death lately And what people believe is inevitable Because I’ve always believed in the gray muddle between lines I can get past the idea of black and while Life and death God Or nothing

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Jan 10, 2017

Jan 10, 2017 at 10:58 AM UTC

God

I’ve been thinking about God lately And whats life after death Because I can’t get past the idea that my existence is confined to just this flesh I need to know if god is real And what heaven to book a room in Because I would rather sleep in beds with saints Uncomfortable in sheets that aren’t my own Rather than be caught up in the eternal damnation of my very own sins I want to know god Know god like I know the voice of my lover And I want to feel gods love like the promise of salvation he wrote in the bible thousands of years ago Because 80 years in this body isn’t enough for me Honestly 180 or more wouldn’t make me happy Because I want to hear the voice of my great grandpas voice again And my pops And I want to see my dog Plus all the people that will go in my life time I can’t live with a goodbye I’m not guaranteed I want to know if God is just some placebo put into place to bring comfort to our souls Or if I can out my whole life into the blind faith of a man I’ve never met before And what would eternity be like? Is it better than leaving a legacy thats starting out as rocky as mine? Does every day pass like a steady wind Or does it move slow like snails crawling over blades of grass? Will we know what forever is? In heaven can you look down on the souls wondering around below, Or are you in the constant worship of gods holy presence? I need the answers to all of these questions And clarifications for all of the possibilities And loops holes like reincarnations Because I’ve been thinking about death lately And what people believe is inevitable Because I’ve always believed in the gray muddle between lines I can get past the idea of black and while Life and death God Or nothing

38

The take off You start your life wanting to be a mom Like a lot of little girls Then as you get older and you see your mom working you realize you can’t just be a mom So you want to be a vet you get to middle school and you see that being a vet is too much work with the grades you have You decided you want to be famous Look through all the thing you can be famous for Realize you cannot sing You have a very strong tell And you laugh when you try to be serious So acting is out And you weren’t born with a body like Kim K’s Or born with the money to get it Come to the idea that you can’t be famous if you aren’t like other famous people Settle for the idea you’ll be working some menial job you’ll hate Just like your mom and dad Just like your aunts and uncles Just like everyone else in your family Realize you love writing Like no one else in your family Pencil and paper always near by And if not You have three different journal apps on your phone and four on your laptop Along with two poetry blogs And the hope you had for starting a book The hope that started in 2014 that hasn’t been messed with Realize you want to really write a book And be the poet lauriet Realize your dreams of being famous aren’t that far away Come to the shocking reality that you cannot support yourself on just this book Decide you want to be an easthation A word you cannot even spell So you can wax peoples legs and arms And parts of people you don’t want to see Go through your last year of high school Get put back into carters class See how this teacher has changed your life Opened you from your shell See that you have made real progress Not just in your writing but through that You have become a better person See that the take off Started when you realized that you wanted to be a teacher

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Nov 29, 2016

Nov 29, 2016 at 1:43 PM UTC

The Take Off

The take off You start your life wanting to be a mom Like a lot of little girls Then as you get older and you see your mom working you realize you can’t just be a mom So you want to be a vet you get to middle school and you see that being a vet is too much work with the grades you have You decided you want to be famous Look through all the thing you can be famous for Realize you cannot sing You have a very strong tell And you laugh when you try to be serious So acting is out And you weren’t born with a body like Kim K’s Or born with the money to get it Come to the idea that you can’t be famous if you aren’t like other famous people Settle for the idea you’ll be working some menial job you’ll hate Just like your mom and dad Just like your aunts and uncles Just like everyone else in your family Realize you love writing Like no one else in your family Pencil and paper always near by And if not You have three different journal apps on your phone and four on your laptop Along with two poetry blogs And the hope you had for starting a book The hope that started in 2014 that hasn’t been messed with Realize you want to really write a book And be the poet lauriet Realize your dreams of being famous aren’t that far away Come to the shocking reality that you cannot support yourself on just this book Decide you want to be an easthation A word you cannot even spell So you can wax peoples legs and arms And parts of people you don’t want to see Go through your last year of high school Get put back into carters class See how this teacher has changed your life Opened you from your shell See that you have made real progress Not just in your writing but through that You have become a better person See that the take off Started when you realized that you wanted to be a teacher

47

I've just been staring at my journal lately Words don't come in waves like they used to Tidal waves that took days to process And ten poems to get through Maybe its just the clearing of negativity Or maybe its just my depression taking over again I write in drops now The drips of a leaking faucet You can't water a garden with drips and drops You can't harvest words that haven't grown yet

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Nov 28, 2016

Nov 28, 2016 at 11:17 AM UTC

Untitled

I've just been staring at my journal lately Words don't come in waves like they used to Tidal waves that took days to process And ten poems to get through Maybe its just the clearing of negativity Or maybe its just my depression taking over again I write in drops now The drips of a leaking faucet You can't water a garden with drips and drops You can't harvest words that haven't grown yet

10

You were never strong Even in those moments when I thought you were, you are not, have not will never be strong You let the victim card define you And while you survived many things thats all you did You never over came You were never the gold you sang you were at most you were a gold covered chocolate coin Gross on the inside Covered with false light You just turned 18 You can't play the victim card to get out of jail You can't play it to get out of court And no matter how loud you sing The stench of the drugs and alcohol in your system will always be louder You said you were proud of yourself Not like your father Or your brother Oh but yes you were Ever bottle to your lips was There are days I wish I never would have met you Never would have tasted the sin you subjected me to Wish I would have retained my innocence But now I look at gold covered candies And thinks of your sin

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Nov 22, 2016

Nov 22, 2016 at 8:56 PM UTC

Rant @ ex best friend

You were never strong Even in those moments when I thought you were, you are not, have not will never be strong You let the victim card define you And while you survived many things thats all you did You never over came You were never the gold you sang you were at most you were a gold covered chocolate coin Gross on the inside Covered with false light You just turned 18 You can't play the victim card to get out of jail You can't play it to get out of court And no matter how loud you sing The stench of the drugs and alcohol in your system will always be louder You said you were proud of yourself Not like your father Or your brother Oh but yes you were Ever bottle to your lips was There are days I wish I never would have met you Never would have tasted the sin you subjected me to Wish I would have retained my innocence But now I look at gold covered candies And thinks of your sin

25

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes But I’ve got no rhythm tip toe around the precision of other writers I get lost easily in the waves of patterns and structure Rupture my skin in the process Destroying words and phrases in the mess of my skin and blood Dragging myself through the mud I am a jumble of words that don’t even fit together in sentences My types of fetish’s aren’t feet or latex, but poetry Supposedly everyone can rhyme but My fingers can find the time from the space between pen and paper Maybe if i cover my room in wallpaper made from failed poems I’ll finally get there Rip out all my hair I’ve never successfully written rhyme worth sharing I’ve been in this despairing state for a while Ran miles on my tongue Wrung myself dry from all my creativity Found I have a bigotry towards everything I write Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes I ask for an example Sample sounds on paper Ending up with ample amounts of couplets But its never enough, its always going to fall short Someone needs to take me to court I’m copying the sound of other writers Profound thoughts never said eloquently enough It’s rough to be a writer that doesn’t know how to write But I’ve never been the type to give up Cover up all my failed attempts at rhyming with free-verse Curse me, Or even worse Coerce me into thinking I know what I’m doing Because whats worse than blissful ignorance Hand my a fistful of advice and set me free But I’ll never be the girl who rhymes rhymes My fingers will never find the time lost between pen and paper Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes Sometimes they nearly get their wish But all dreams parish in jumbles of words in phrases Blaze through whole journals trying to write two poems Crumbling my own thoughts in my too fast thought process Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes I still with pencil and paper Set out on this caper With a website that gives me words that rhyme I’ve decided to let people get their fix Try my hand at rhymes Take my time And slow down my too fast thought process Soak up all my creativity A rid my mind of every bigotry I ever had Because the girl who rhymes Will always be the girl who rhymes

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Nov 22, 2016

Nov 22, 2016 at 10:45 AM UTC

My rhyming poem

Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes But I’ve got no rhythm tip toe around the precision of other writers I get lost easily in the waves of patterns and structure Rupture my skin in the process Destroying words and phrases in the mess of my skin and blood Dragging myself through the mud I am a jumble of words that don’t even fit together in sentences My types of fetish’s aren’t feet or latex, but poetry Supposedly everyone can rhyme but My fingers can find the time from the space between pen and paper Maybe if i cover my room in wallpaper made from failed poems I’ll finally get there Rip out all my hair I’ve never successfully written rhyme worth sharing I’ve been in this despairing state for a while Ran miles on my tongue Wrung myself dry from all my creativity Found I have a bigotry towards everything I write Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes I ask for an example Sample sounds on paper Ending up with ample amounts of couplets But its never enough, its always going to fall short Someone needs to take me to court I’m copying the sound of other writers Profound thoughts never said eloquently enough It’s rough to be a writer that doesn’t know how to write But I’ve never been the type to give up Cover up all my failed attempts at rhyming with free-verse Curse me, Or even worse Coerce me into thinking I know what I’m doing Because whats worse than blissful ignorance Hand my a fistful of advice and set me free But I’ll never be the girl who rhymes rhymes My fingers will never find the time lost between pen and paper Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girl who rhymes Sometimes they nearly get their wish But all dreams parish in jumbles of words in phrases Blaze through whole journals trying to write two poems Crumbling my own thoughts in my too fast thought process Everyone wants to hear a poem that rhymes from the girls who rhymes I still with pencil and paper Set out on this caper With a website that gives me words that rhyme I’ve decided to let people get their fix Try my hand at rhymes Take my time And slow down my too fast thought process Soak up all my creativity A rid my mind of every bigotry I ever had Because the girl who rhymes Will always be the girl who rhymes

50

Water that stands still becomes a poisonous petri dish of parasites No one willingly drinks it No one, not even dogs can survive on it You told me people were changing Tried to make me promise not to change I didn’t think anything of it I’ve always been a creature of habit But I didn’t realize every still frame you took of us was turning us too still - Stagnent Every Creek runs a stream Every stream runs a river And water is always traced back to the oceans The oceans They support millions if not billions of creatures Millions of different sources creating a big beautiful constantly moving changing habitat Every part working together And while parts of the ocean get terribly still There is always a storm Wave crashing destroying beautiful things Only to be rebuilt in an even more fantastic way Now don’t get me wrong stagnant water supports life Like disease carrying bugs And the bacteria that can give you malaria Stagnation can take over whole creeks, streams, even ponds Destroying whole ecosystems Letting things rot You said that I have started to change Tried to make me think I was doing the wrong thing When I put myself and my family first When I kept running You kept yelling “WE HAVE TO STAND STILL” Your toxicity can no longer touch me I’ve found the ocean An amazing ecosystem working together supporting life Moving together and separately Supporting growth While your stagnant puddles are evaporating from the sunlight, The bugs keep crawling on you But your disease can no longer touch me Parasites can no longer reach me I’m running and flowing moving and growing through this ocean And you stay still In your still frame stagnant puddle

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Nov 22, 2016

Nov 22, 2016 at 10:41 AM UTC

Stagnant Water

Water that stands still becomes a poisonous petri dish of parasites No one willingly drinks it No one, not even dogs can survive on it You told me people were changing Tried to make me promise not to change I didn’t think anything of it I’ve always been a creature of habit But I didn’t realize every still frame you took of us was turning us too still - Stagnent Every Creek runs a stream Every stream runs a river And water is always traced back to the oceans The oceans They support millions if not billions of creatures Millions of different sources creating a big beautiful constantly moving changing habitat Every part working together And while parts of the ocean get terribly still There is always a storm Wave crashing destroying beautiful things Only to be rebuilt in an even more fantastic way Now don’t get me wrong stagnant water supports life Like disease carrying bugs And the bacteria that can give you malaria Stagnation can take over whole creeks, streams, even ponds Destroying whole ecosystems Letting things rot You said that I have started to change Tried to make me think I was doing the wrong thing When I put myself and my family first When I kept running You kept yelling “WE HAVE TO STAND STILL” Your toxicity can no longer touch me I’ve found the ocean An amazing ecosystem working together supporting life Moving together and separately Supporting growth While your stagnant puddles are evaporating from the sunlight, The bugs keep crawling on you But your disease can no longer touch me Parasites can no longer reach me I’m running and flowing moving and growing through this ocean And you stay still In your still frame stagnant puddle

45

1. Look at yourself in the mirror tell yourself this is not your fault Repeat this step till it is not a lie 2. Gather everything that reminds you of them Put it in a box, stare at it till it is meaningless 3. Put the box on the curb 1. This is not your fault 4. Delete all pictures of them off your phone, out of your mind, they are just taking up memory 5. You have to erase them from your social media, every picture, every tag, post, indirect, tweet, poke, tbh, every re-post, every message 6. Write every word they have ever spoken to you 7. Burn it 6. Write every lie they have ever screamed at you 7. You have to burn it 1. Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself this is not your fault This cannot be your fault 1. This is not your fault 8. Wear your favorite yellow dress, the one you never felt comfortable enough to wear around them Sing your favorite song louder than they would ever let you 9 Listen to the sad songs, Adel on repeat, Taylor Swift, every sad song you can think of You need to cry out the toxicity 10 Fill the gaps in your life with friends, all the people you could never hang out with Pick up a new hobby, learn how to hem al the pants you have 11 Realize you never loved them, just the idea of them 12 Understand that looking through rose coloured glass red flags don’t look like red flags 1 This has never been you’re fault You’re starting to realize this has never been your fault 13 Shave off all of your hair Okay maybe not that extreme but cute your hair short, dye it black, electric blue Do this for yourself something you’ve always wanted to do Wear this as a proud sign saying “I’m over you” 0 Realize you’ve found closure Understanding what happened was half of it Know that your mind and your body are in the last stages of healing You’re healing You have found closure

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Nov 22, 2016

Nov 22, 2016 at 10:39 AM UTC

Steps on how to get closure when you can't talk to the person you need closure from

1. Look at yourself in the mirror tell yourself this is not your fault Repeat this step till it is not a lie 2. Gather everything that reminds you of them Put it in a box, stare at it till it is meaningless 3. Put the box on the curb 1. This is not your fault 4. Delete all pictures of them off your phone, out of your mind, they are just taking up memory 5. You have to erase them from your social media, every picture, every tag, post, indirect, tweet, poke, tbh, every re-post, every message 6. Write every word they have ever spoken to you 7. Burn it 6. Write every lie they have ever screamed at you 7. You have to burn it 1. Look at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself this is not your fault This cannot be your fault 1. This is not your fault 8. Wear your favorite yellow dress, the one you never felt comfortable enough to wear around them Sing your favorite song louder than they would ever let you 9 Listen to the sad songs, Adel on repeat, Taylor Swift, every sad song you can think of You need to cry out the toxicity 10 Fill the gaps in your life with friends, all the people you could never hang out with Pick up a new hobby, learn how to hem al the pants you have 11 Realize you never loved them, just the idea of them 12 Understand that looking through rose coloured glass red flags don’t look like red flags 1 This has never been you’re fault You’re starting to realize this has never been your fault 13 Shave off all of your hair Okay maybe not that extreme but cute your hair short, dye it black, electric blue Do this for yourself something you’ve always wanted to do Wear this as a proud sign saying “I’m over you” 0 Realize you’ve found closure Understanding what happened was half of it Know that your mind and your body are in the last stages of healing You’re healing You have found closure

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I'm back

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Aug 19, 2016

Aug 19, 2016 at 1:30 PM UTC

RIP Waterbear, You never were anything but an idea A very scary idea

0

May 2, 2016

May 2, 2016 at 8:45 AM UTC

RIP what never was

RIP Waterbear, You never were anything but an idea A very scary idea

3

I have an irrational fear of bodies of water When I think of them, I feel my lungs tightening My fingers get numb I see sharks coming towards me mouths wide open Its the kind of fear where thinking about it makes your whole body shake and tense up at the time Your teeth grit together and you just When I was little I used to swim almost every day, I practically lived in the pool I wanted to be a mermaid, spend every moment in the water, the ocean was a whole new world I spent my summers living in the lake Diving into the water and trying to touch the bottom I thought heaven would be a utopia of oceans And we would spend eternity floating The first thing I did when I went to florida was run to the ocean I ran till my bare feet were no longer hitting ground but treading water Swimming in pure bliss and happiness But that all changed about two summers ago I was riding a wave runner when My father turned a little too hard And I was thrown off It was in that moment that my body forgot how to swim Sinking in the water light was hard to see Every single fear that you could have about water flowed into me I feel my lungs tightening My fingers get numb I see sharks coming towards me mouths wide open Thrashing in the water till I found the surface I saw my father Attempting to swim to him, I some how found my way back on the wave runner I found myself back into the lake house I’ve never been back in a lake since, not even a body of water I got nervous the first time I got into a swimming pool at my friends house I hope that heaven is dry land And even though I don’t live by the ocean I’m still overwhelmingly terrified of it And I’ve found that your love, is the ocean.

0

Apr 26, 2016

Apr 26, 2016 at 7:01 PM UTC

For all those afraid of both love and water, The Ocean

I have an irrational fear of bodies of water When I think of them, I feel my lungs tightening My fingers get numb I see sharks coming towards me mouths wide open Its the kind of fear where thinking about it makes your whole body shake and tense up at the time Your teeth grit together and you just When I was little I used to swim almost every day, I practically lived in the pool I wanted to be a mermaid, spend every moment in the water, the ocean was a whole new world I spent my summers living in the lake Diving into the water and trying to touch the bottom I thought heaven would be a utopia of oceans And we would spend eternity floating The first thing I did when I went to florida was run to the ocean I ran till my bare feet were no longer hitting ground but treading water Swimming in pure bliss and happiness But that all changed about two summers ago I was riding a wave runner when My father turned a little too hard And I was thrown off It was in that moment that my body forgot how to swim Sinking in the water light was hard to see Every single fear that you could have about water flowed into me I feel my lungs tightening My fingers get numb I see sharks coming towards me mouths wide open Thrashing in the water till I found the surface I saw my father Attempting to swim to him, I some how found my way back on the wave runner I found myself back into the lake house I’ve never been back in a lake since, not even a body of water I got nervous the first time I got into a swimming pool at my friends house I hope that heaven is dry land And even though I don’t live by the ocean I’m still overwhelmingly terrified of it And I’ve found that your love, is the ocean.

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