and you called me that name
just a few hours before
and wished me
Merry Christmas
but I'm not sure if she knew
you show her off
like you never did me
but it's the wine
making my blood hot
and my stomach turn
if you appeared tomorrow
I'd kiss you
and hate myself
for asking you
to stay
Dec 22, 2017
Dec 22, 2017 at 9:49 PM UTC
the heat in the pit of my stomach
is so familiar,
tears run down my cheeks
when I try to suppress it
Feb 21, 2017
Feb 21, 2017 at 11:18 PM UTC
I never used to dream
when sleeping next to you
but the gasp escaping my lips
and your hand on my arm
shakes me out of a fantasy
where we are perfectly aligned
The sweat on my chest
becomes evident
as rhythmic sounds echo from your tongue
that I cannot understand
until they rattle behind my teeth
making a sleepy song of desire
We could not have been closer
unless we molded together
into a mess of aggressively ignored love
and animalistic monotony
that I'll ice with fear,
aftertaste like regret
Nov 20, 2016
Nov 20, 2016 at 4:20 PM UTC
it isn't until the rain
hits the hardwood floor
that I remember
how rain used to be ours
I remember the mist
in the sky and our eyes
when I wore this same shirt
and we broke all the rules
I remember the puddles
that first night together
and the rain on the roof
as I tried not to sleep
I remember the reflection
of rain clouds and sunshine
when we whispered like snow
the earliest we ever awoke
the lightning flashes
and I pray you will so quickly
arrive at my door
Oct 21, 2016
Oct 21, 2016 at 10:07 PM UTC
my friends never liked you,
said you were the reason
I was desperately trying to shrink
I could so easily blame them
for the way I grew,
every bite a stab to the throat
those days were spent
muffling your words
before being silenced by my friends
these days I scream for them
and hear only the echos
of my shameless desperation
your voice is the only one
that calls back
in a confidence I don't recognize
they won't know
when we hide away
for a few days next week
the contoured faces will scrunch
after my wine-soaked lips
sink my not-relationship
I'll honestly apologize
for trying to call them
before running his way
Sep 24, 2016
Sep 24, 2016 at 7:21 PM UTC
I taught myself
how to open my eyes
underwater
so I could see
without assistance
what others could not
My wide open eyes
and screaming self-talk
were not enough
to get under
the chlorine surface
It wasn't until
I shut my lids tight
that I was able
to finally see
Diving deep in the dark
I awoke to find
a blurred blue-green vision
of plastic rings
and painted toes
I'm no longer afraid
of closing my eyes
when I so badly
want them open
I look around
when I reach the bottom
exhaling out thought bubbles
popping clearly through
muted waves
Aug 28, 2016
Aug 28, 2016 at 10:40 PM UTC
I found my light
in not doing what's expected of me,
but in doing what's best
for a 7 year old
who lost his baby sister
and his train of thought
when counting to 20
because iPads download games in seconds
but it feels like years he's watching an ad
depicting guns and blood and dying and
every time he points a finger at a friend
the law tells me
I have to call his mom
who has no response to
"I just didn't feel like doing math today,"
but musters up every ounce of energy
she doesn't have
to expel one weak statement-
"We must do what is expected of us."
They tell me that restraint
is 3 seconds or more
of student resistance
and teacher persistence
but while my hand never touches him
my words wrap around his legs
telling them to stop pacing
and they cover his mouth
telling it to stop singing
and when he cries in the hallway
at 9:52, screaming,
"I hate this school,"
I cannot explain to him
how lucky he is
to be surrounded by adults
who fake a high tolerance
for his constant fidgeting
so instead we sit in silence
until his anger runs out
and my heart rate slows
and we are ready to try again.
Later, he hugs me.
I do not pull away.
This is not restraint.
Mar 10, 2016
Mar 10, 2016 at 4:37 PM UTC
I've been avoiding writing
like your eyes on Saturday night,
because how do I tell you
that I'll miss you when you're gone
and admit to myself
that it might not be a big deal?
I am not scared
that my heart will stop beating
but that yours will seek
the warmth of someone else.
I cannot say this is what I want
even though I am certain
this is what you need.
This is not heartbreak.
No,
this is something different
and I'm not quite sure what it's called.
Mar 2, 2016
Mar 2, 2016 at 5:25 PM UTC
That was the summer our electric bill went up
because as soon as the sun went down
I would light up mirrors
that I stared down for hours
in hopes that I would lose
My self esteem
with every inch I lost
from my arms, legs, fingers, chest,
but if I could just take a few more
from my waist then I would be
Mentally unstable and out of control
as I stay in line with 1,200 calorie days
and sit-ups before bed
because a coworker offered me a cookie
and I couldn't say
No one should have to feel like they're dying
in order to feel beautiful
but how can you fly
when your wings are too heavy
to get off the
Ground level is where I am right now
but at this point I'm used
to taking the stairs
so the top doesn't look
too far away anymore
Feb 14, 2016
Feb 14, 2016 at 9:38 PM UTC
For the first time
I smell jealousy on your lips
instead of alcohol-induced love
(although I think that's in there too)
You tell me your sister
thought I was trying too hard
in my favorite dress
(which I bought for $15)
We do not touch
but we laugh
for longer than expected
(over something so painfully small)
My heart pounds
and the world stops spinning
as I wonder if I'm in love
(quickly I suppress the thought)
Feb 10, 2016
Feb 10, 2016 at 6:09 PM UTC