I never thought my body would act without me
I'm not thinking of
The new work I'm not competent in yet
The test I need to pass today to get to
The next test
And the next
Every week
For a year
To the final test
Which determines if I'll be middle or lower class
For the rest of my life
I'm not thinking of
My roommate's problems
My boyfriend's problems
My parent's problems
(Which are as variant and serious as my own)
I'm only singing along with the radio
But my body knows
My body is thinking and worrying and working on overdrive
It holds my breath, it protects my vitals, it drops my blood pressure
My face tingles with the blood that leaves it,
My ears ring and my vision turns b l o t c h y
And I feel fuzzy and clammy, dizzy and heavy
I'm going to pass out
But I have to get to work!
Or class!
Or home!
Otherwise I will fail
At work
At school
At my career
At home
I'm holding on, I'm pushing through
But my body is stressing, and being
Hypotensive
Sep 11, 2014
Sep 11, 2014 at 3:59 PM UTC
Can a disease be a pet peeve?
This one can.
It has taken over my family and torn them apart.
It has grown inside of people I love,
Tormenting, restraining, and suppressing them.
It adds a higher level of suffering,
So that my bad days are comparatively fine.
My sufferings don't count
Their sufferings count too much, making them
Dangerous
I worry about the things they will do or say
I worry about their safety
I worry that they'll always feel this way
I can never escape this disease inside of people around me
I will forever have to be the strong one
The one holding it together, so they can fall apart
What happens, if I fall apart?
I feel alone, and afraid
All because of some stupid disease.
Aug 14, 2014
Aug 14, 2014 at 6:35 PM UTC
I've learned the way to close my eyes
Somewhere
And open them
Elsewhere
When pursued by a hunter
Somewhere
I can lift myself and fly
Elsewhere
When locked in battle with a difficult foe
Somewhere
I can choose to accept a reality
Elsewhere
While dreaming of demons and monsters
Somewhere
I close my eyes, curl in on myself, and awaken
Elsewhere
Aug 11, 2014
Aug 11, 2014 at 1:33 AM UTC
There are hidden things
Traits I must conceal
Feelings and Beliefs
That known, would give me grief
Those I wish to tell
Would say I'll burn in hell
If they only understood the love
That's buried underneath
Aug 11, 2014
Aug 11, 2014 at 1:20 AM UTC
There is a game you like to play
To make our conflict go away
A game that starts with an angry me
And ends with you getting all you dream
My reasons are valid, you have no true logic,
So suddenly you frown and say,
I am a monster, I'll go away
So far removed from the initial crime,
I am distracted, distressed, and designed
To help you from your misery
You're no monster, let me make you see
This is wrong, it is a crime,
To take my heart, control my mind
Over and over you use this line
I won't fall for a monster this time.
Aug 11, 2014
Aug 11, 2014 at 1:13 AM UTC
Stay
Hold me in your arms
Distract me with your charms
Keep the world at bay
Go
Take away my light
Leave me in the night
Quiet, and alone
It doesn't really matter, if you stay, or if you go
The world, it just moves faster, or it starts, to move slow
And I'm tired of it all revolving around you
Guess I'm craving something different and new
Go to School
Learn what you don't know
Try your best to grow
To make that money, babe
Go to Work
I've got to get a job
Relying on someone to pay the bills
Can be a drag
And I'm tired of it all leading to nothing
When every step forward is two steps back, you know
I just want something fun and worthwhile to do
Or at least a good distraction, like you
Change
Make my world brand new
Show me what to do
To make it get better
Make
Make me beautiful
Successful and well-loved
Charming and clever
Wait
Just give me some time
To breathe, to free my mind
Hold my hand once in a while
Give
Let just one thing go right
Take away my fright
Make it get better
Stay
Go
School
Work
Change
Make it get better
Because I'm one step closer to dying here
And one step further from caring
Please, make it get better
Jun 26, 2014
Jun 26, 2014 at 12:21 AM UTC
Make me forget my name, and all the worries that go with it
Gentle breeze, caress me
Lapping waves, leech away my aches
Bending limbs, relax me
Deep massage, remake me
Brush through my hair, to raise it
Trace my lips, my jaw, my neck
Put the world back in perspective
Doing this reminds me;
I will be alright
Everything is fine
And my only job in this moment
Is to enjoy it, when you
Touch me
Jun 26, 2014
Jun 26, 2014 at 12:09 AM UTC
Since you left, I have changed
I have cried and laughed and hated and loved
I have grown and stayed young
I have wished for death and felt full of life
I have felt empty and heavy with nothingness
I have waited...
waited...
waited.......
waited...........
Endlessly, it feels
Only 206 more days to go
Before, what? I don't know
You see me every day?
You continue to stay away?
Will it even matter anymore?
My heart is silent and hard,
Protected against the love I see around me,
Against the longing I feel inside me
Waiting til it is safe
To bloom back into life
Once more
Jun 26, 2014
Jun 26, 2014 at 12:00 AM UTC
You got in!
You are going to the college of your dreams!
And I'm jazzed that you're getting what you need to be
You!
You're going halfway around the world to do what
You
Most want to do.
You
Couldn't be happier.
You
Couldn't imagine the questions that
I have.
First, and foremost,
What about us?
What do you expect me to do?
I feel guilty because, though I'm happy for
You
I'm depressed and angry too.
Six years I've
Waited
Wanted
You
Three more, without
You
But I'm stuck, because
You got in
To my heart.
I can't just leave you,
I can't do anything but wait for
You
Again and again, because
I love you.
So what am I supposed to do?
Learn to live with and without you?
I'm sorry, but I don't want to.
Jan 18, 2012
Jan 18, 2012 at 11:18 PM UTC
When will it be right to want what I want?
When will the world cease to stop me at all?
I don't think it's wrong to want what I do,
So why must I wait?
Wait for the money?
Or for the timing?
Or for that sweet day
When you finally free me and keep me?
For love can't be wrong when it's patient, but
I know not how much longer to be strong.
Or should I just take
Myself out of it
And learn to make my dreams come true alone?
This is the question that keeps me at bay,
From either pulling or pushing away.
Dec 14, 2011
Dec 14, 2011 at 8:28 PM UTC