a cursed cycle
the ancestral rite of passage
the last to see the sun
the first to see the fault
and ultimately suffer because of
it's a burden i've put onto my friends
the ones who show me what it would've been like
the opposite of a lonely child
the ones that undo the deafening silence of a pause screen
the ones who let me take a turn without raising their voice
they're the ones who remember what i say
and who i am
May 17, 2025
May 17, 2025 at 11:44 PM UTC
i think about you every time i brush my teeth
you feel much more like home than this bathroom ever will
the reflection of the light in the tile matches the ones in your eyes
every single one looking back at me with smudged mascara
your absence burns the back of my throat
saliva trickling down my chin the way watermelon juice does yours
and it's a haze outside
i wish i could wipe it off for you
time slows the second you start laughing
the sound of your jewelry pulling me back like an alarm
so close i can see every time the sun has given you a kiss
calling me a coward from it's place in the sky
all these moments replay in my head like a broken vhs tape
all fuzzy and glowing
i'm afraid if i eject the tape i'll forget
but it would be a good excuse to recreate it from scratch
Jul 7, 2024
Jul 7, 2024 at 2:46 AM UTC
i used to see my own grave in my sleep
now i see yours right next to it
i only see our names floating around each other
no dates
no corny phrases
whether which one of us went first is still fuzzy
i'm sure it was you
because i'd do anything to stay
i'm tired of asking nicely
all my life i've been asking for permission
or hoping i won't be caught
i've never been bothered with wanting more time
not until i met you
running around a slippery parking lot
frolicking in the rain like children
suddenly afraid of the fall
the potential collision of my brains across concrete
but at least your smiling face would've been the last thing i'd ever see
Jun 1, 2023
Jun 1, 2023 at 12:08 AM UTC
sometimes it's like a movie
too uncomfortable for tv
too important for dvd
the whole thing opens with me screaming in the middle of a field
grass slicing my knees
dirt flooding my fingernails
i am the only thing in turmoil
the trees dance in the distance to a tune i am unable to hear
the wheat looks away in respect
while the mosquitoes become nosey and unable to mind their own business
and somehow i am reminded of when i was young and could sit in the silence for hours
confined in a house with a ticking clock
it's sharp arms slicing into my spine
reminding me that everything ends
the trees will forever dance
and that the wheat will always look away
Apr 13, 2023
Apr 13, 2023 at 1:04 PM UTC
i'm picking my nails at the dinner table
thinking of ways to tear myself apart
wondering if you'd even agree with me right now
if you'd be proud of me
or are you yelling at me from wherever you are
i'd like to think you're somewhere nice
in a pool where the water is crystal clear
sipping something strong and watching me ruin my life
sometimes i'd rather you turn the tv off and throw the remote
this show ***** anyway
Aug 4, 2022
Aug 4, 2022 at 10:48 PM UTC
you come around when i least expect it
or maybe when i need you the most and don't want to admit it
i miss you whether you're here or not
it's like you appear behind a passing citizen
and watch me look at you through a crowd of people
and i notice it faster than i should admit
and i want nothing more than for you to approach
to ask if i'd like a cup of coffee
to have a conversation
you disappear just as fast as you've arrived
already leaving me with finding the answers myself
my jaw aching with things i never got to tell you
your legacy is the only one i'd be willing to uphold if you leave
even if it's short notice
or something you've prepared for
Jun 10, 2022
Jun 10, 2022 at 5:55 PM UTC
"time for the quarterly internet rabbit-hole of your early life.
are you going to spend the next hour looking for pictures of an old mall?
or by finding out the real reason why the first movie theater burned down eleven years ago?
or perhaps look at how your favorite grocery store has changed?
how about we look at the once empty fields that are now occupied by mattress stores?
then will you end it by crying yourself to sleep?
wondering why you cannot remember any of it all?
why you cannot make sense of being a child?
did you ever become conscious before 2012?
are all these hazy memories just dreams?
did you even exist in any of it?
what are you even searching for?"
anything.
Dec 28, 2021
Dec 28, 2021 at 6:29 PM UTC
i found myself stuttering over your name in conversation
it was almost two months ago
although i keep wondering if it happened for a reason
maybe to prevent the eventual sobbing that night
doesn't mean i don't kick myself for it
i constantly feel the weight of your ghost
maybe it's selfish of me to notice the consistency of you
or to assume it is always you
or is it low of me to think that you wouldn't be there
i've held onto this thought since july
and i'm just angry you're dead
Sep 21, 2021
Sep 21, 2021 at 12:26 AM UTC
i want to write of you
but i cannot bring myself to finish anything i say
writing about grief through grief
is hard
and you would think that it would be easy
since i've been writing for years
i hate leaving things unfinished
i try not to think of it often
maybe that's the problem
i freeze when i do
Jun 16, 2021
Jun 16, 2021 at 8:05 PM UTC
i think we were destined from the first time i heard you speak
a rough but gentle voice you carry
and i hope you know it carries me
i feel i've known you for ages
even though it's only been a short while
sometimes i wish i could meet you all over again
you're a rush of air
something i've needed for so long
sometimes it's so hard to breathe around here
in such a way that seems elementary
i want to write the loveliest things about you
i want to put them in the sky
but in the same way
i want nobody to know
i want to go with you wherever you slip away to
and i want you to slip away to me
i want to be that embrace that let's you know you're home
because you let me know the same
Apr 11, 2021
Apr 11, 2021 at 11:17 PM UTC