I haven't logged into my Hello Poetry account in so long and wow...
I am so sad at what I'm seeing. I cannot believe that there was a time in my life where I hated everything. It amazes me that I'm still alive, after reading these forgotten memories, they bring me so much pain. Today I'm in a very different space and I can't thank you guys enough for all the kind comments you left on my worst nights. As I'm reading these entries, I remember all the hatred and darkness that fueled me. I feel the tears and the ache and I feel it all so intensely..
But I also feel the light now. I still have those days where I fall but these days I know how to pick myself up. I hope to anyone who is or was in my situation, I hope you all feel the same strength I do now. My sickness didn't **** me, I am alive and everyday I fight.
Everyday I'm surviving.
I hope you all continue to fight with me.
Nov 2, 2016
Nov 2, 2016 at 8:40 PM UTC
The shackles of your evil never let me breathe
And so I drowned, I didn't fight the fire, because that very same pain was my pleasure
It was you
Nothing seemed more comforting than the horror you brought me and nothing could bring me back from the fire that burned inside me but your drunk arms
And those very same arms that held me, hurt me
And those very same lips that caressed me, spoke to me in different tongues
And we were in ruins and disastrous, ***** and tainted by the lies our bodies whispered
And there was something you did to me, and now I'm looking for the pieces you ruined to fit again
Because the worst thing I ever did was let you come in and sloppily hide in my heart
And there's times like these I think of you, and of the girl I was then and it amazes me that I once thought the devil was an angel
I once thought you were my savior when all you did was condemn me to this small hell
And even with you completely banned from my soul
You still linger
You still punish my heart from being pure
And know that I will never forget what you did
But the worst part of it all
Is now my future won't either
Mar 3, 2016
Mar 3, 2016 at 2:57 PM UTC
*I am smiling, even when the pain I once felt keeps on knocking..
It feels good knowing, I won't open the door
No trespassers welcome here*
Dec 3, 2015
Dec 3, 2015 at 7:51 PM UTC
I think of you no longer being by my side and honestly, it scares the **** out of me. I have loved you for so long now and have given you so much of me, but I don't think I even want it back. Keep it, keep me. We have been through hell and back and then heaven in between. It seems to me that I could have you for the rest of my days and I'd still love every single flaw, every single demon you possess and all of your beautiful traits. You have latched me into the security of your arms and now I don't want to let go. It tears me apart thinking of you in the arms of another, of someone else thinking of you the way I do. I know it can happen, it happened to me. I don't want that for us because I STILL want us. I need you and love you. I need you only because you're my blanket, you warm me when I'm my coldest. I need you because you gave me hope at my darkest and I need you because everything wrong about me seems right when you're here. What I need is the way you listen to me when I'm ranting about useless problems, what I need is the way you protect me when I'm a drunk fool. What I need and what I just want is you to still love me. I want you to want me as much as I want you. I hope you do- I don't know whether or not to give up or continue trying- just lessen the storm in my head and let me know we're ok and always will be. We have our whole lives ahead of us and there's millions we haven't laid eyes on but for right now I'm happy with keeping my own locked on you. And sometimes I don't really know how you feel, but I know how I do. If it's not enough me just loving you and wanting to keep this continuing on, then know that it doesn't matter. You could push me and shove me out of every open door that leads to you and I'll still try and kick them down. I want you right now, later and in times when I didn't even know you. I love when your hands are on me, exploring and exciting. I love when you kiss along my neck and I can feel your breathing. It lets me know that this right here is real, and you are real. That these feelings are have are not just made up or copying the fairytale stories we all know, but that these are my own. My own emotions growing and tightening at the sight of you; the thought of you. I have so many stories I haven't told you and so many fears you still don't know. I want to recite every poem I know by heart and have you watch me as I undress. Undress my clothing, my masks, my skin. I want you to see me and think you are so lucky to have someone as crazy and needy as I am. And I know it's a hard task. To love someone like me but if you're willing to, I can love you just as deeply. It's like you have awakened something in me that had died long ago. I can do absolutely nothing with you there and still have the time of my life. I can tell that whatever piece that had slipped away from me before is trying to emerge again. It's because of you that I can feel it. And I may be just some girl typing and hitting the keyboard with hurried hands and racing thoughts but it's when I'm thinking of you that I feel this way. I may not be the most beautiful thing to ever touch you or the sweetest person you've ever tasted but I want to be and even if it means only for awhile then I'm still willing to give myself to you every time I can, at any moment. If you're willing to accept that then you can have it. I'm not ready to let go regardless of all these changes, I'm just ******* not. So I will fight for you everyday until it's no longer a prize that I get to see you or hold you in my arms. Can you love me the way I do you? Because even if that answer is no, I'm sorry baby but I'm not going away that easily. I consider you my first real love because you have taught and brought so many new things that the ones before couldn't. I have you now, and if now is all I have then you should know that now is what I'm holding on to. I'll hold on until you have to pry my fingers off of your presence, until you have to scream at me to go away. I will yearn for you until every last piece of honey you have is ****** dry. I will cry and I will be a pain in the *** even if you don't want me. Even if you're not even mine. I don't know what this is or how it's ending or if it already has but let me tell you something, I want you to hear these words even though you're not besides me.. I am in ******* in love with you and I don't care about distance, or time, or silly little boys or silly little girls who will be prancing around. I love you and that's that. So until the the day comes when I no longer have anything left in me, I hope you understand that I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere and I just hope that you take something from this, that you believe these words and that you feel the same.
I love you
I love you
I love you
Nov 4, 2014
Nov 4, 2014 at 11:56 AM UTC
*I guess I cling a little tighter because everything that has ever meant the most to me has suddenly dissapeared
and I'm sorry if i'm always around, making my presence known
but I'd rather keep reminding you
that I'm here, waiting, watching and wanting to be adored every second
I'm sorry if it's too much
but all I want is to be held*
Sep 29, 2014
Sep 29, 2014 at 9:44 PM UTC
It's all fun and games until you can't stop
and i'm starting to believe that you can't.
I love you, still through it all
but sometimes it seems as if you
don't love me at all
because the hunger always wins
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 1:28 PM UTC