Didn’t I ever think to be authentic
collecting words, snapping photographs
exclaiming I am enamored with language and art
when honestly, I am merely a fraud
to what I love. My hands aren’t stained with ink,
my eyes aren’t trained to learn new techniques
paper is not my friend nor is a roll of film
tossing around in my bag of nonexistent records that
I actually love my hobbies.
I feel that I am not quite
an owner of my interests,
stealing passion from others and wishing
they were my own.
Nov 3, 2016
Nov 3, 2016 at 8:04 PM UTC
The poison of my expectations
immunized my body systems
creeping in the veins a shot
of disappointments, frustrations
I cannot keep setting myself up this way
Antidotes are not the cure. Nothing can remedy
the syrup of downfalls encroaching my liver
the gates are closed.
You can’t hurt me anymore.
Nov 3, 2016
Nov 3, 2016 at 7:58 PM UTC
I am alive and I am terrified.
Why does the future have to be
this question mark, this puddle of murkiness
wagging its finger to beg you to come
closer,
closer
closer.
Darkness lurches above me in
halos circling brightly, making no sense
I can see you, Future
I can see everything I want to see
but the waters won’t clear, the question mark
won’t turn into an exclamation point,
and you make me travel down the path
farther
farther
farther
into the unknown.
Nov 3, 2016
Nov 3, 2016 at 7:41 PM UTC
I didn't expect this dream to be a stillborn
after so many years of seeing this false image of reality
it never arrived intact.
Oct 30, 2016
Oct 30, 2016 at 1:39 AM UTC
we make plans for the future but we're never guaranteed for it to come through
Oct 30, 2016
Oct 30, 2016 at 1:32 AM UTC
You sold me a false dream. You told me that I could make it home after I graduated. High school. College. I’m still ******* here. I told you that I was a failure, I failed at achieving my dream of finally escaping hell. Everyone else got their form of happiness. My turn will never arrive.
You told me that the future would be a happy time, but when I thought of the future ten years ago, I didn't think I would still feel like this.
You told me that people loved me, but they never showed it. No one put in as much effort into the relationship as I did. It was always me who responded first, initiated the conversation, sent reminders that hey, I guess we’re still friends, even though you don't act like it.
You forgot that I did not work well with the routine of muttering in my head, “I’m fine, just relax and breathe.” You told me that I needed to make the most of where I was, which was like forcing a fish to live on land and expecting them to breathe.
You told me that I moved on, and then I didn't, and then I did. Quit playing games.
You told me that it was okay to tell that guy extremely intimate details, but I ended up disappointed.
You told me to assume that someone I loved would be just as willing to love me fiercely in return. You told me that someone special will come along. Where are they?
You told me that I have to make everyone in my family happy, but everyone has different expectations and I’m struggling to fulfill one person’s wishes without upsetting the other.
You told me I need to go out more, accept invitations to attend some concert in Dallas, or hang out at her house for New Year’s Eve. I hate going out.
You told me to pretend that I was in a cliché high school movie at a party and try to flirt with a guy. He didn't like me. He was more interested in my brother.
You told me that no one cared how badly I presented my speech in my last Spanish class, but I felt everyone’s pity cutting into my mouth.
You told me that my soul is the one thing I can’t compromise, but it’s already shattered into irreparable fragments.
You told me that people would admire the way I loved sunsets, the lights on the streets after dark, the small things. No one has told me that they noticed my habits.
I placed myself back into my body and walked away from the mirror.
Aug 29, 2016
Aug 29, 2016 at 8:51 PM UTC
my future always seem so happy,
but when i thought of the future ten years ago,
i didnt think i would still feel like this.
Aug 13, 2016
Aug 13, 2016 at 3:17 AM UTC
Even white clouds form into
demons at night.
How terrifying they appear
beneath the crescent moon,
a parchment of wispy black and expiring halo.
When the sun is awake,
the clouds are innocent angels,
relieved of their sins
from blocking the stars.
Demons are not villains.
You have to give them a chance to change.
Jul 25, 2016
Jul 25, 2016 at 11:57 PM UTC
I didn't jubilate the anniversary
this year. The song is still one
of my favorites, but I've forgotten
your voice singing softly,
only for me to hear in a room
of twenty other kids. It was the happiest
I had ever been; that moment you noticed me
as more than the girl who sat
next to you, and pined for you for two years then,
and nine years after. But I realized
it is not exactly an anniversary
if you don't share it with me.
Jul 25, 2016
Jul 25, 2016 at 11:54 PM UTC
Just hearing the prospect of my brother's proposal
plunged me into an ocean
where I am not allowed to surface. I can only
struggle and hope some fisherman,
or a dolphin, or jellyfish
to rescue me,
n u d g e me,
ssstttingg me back to the currents above.
I have this anchor locked to my tears, and I can't make
a sound. If they notice, I will begin to cry.
I don't want them to know
that I'm bad again. They are not the right
people who should know.
I just want someone to care about me
as much as I care about them.
I deserve love, like everyone deserves air.
Jul 25, 2016
Jul 25, 2016 at 11:48 PM UTC