i will always associate back flips
with my first "boyfriend" in the third
grade who has probably now grown
up to be the type of guy who takes
pictures of himself shirtless in the bathroom
mirror and tells his girlfriend that she's pretty
but not quite as pretty as he is.
i will always associate playgrounds
with my elementary school sweetheart
and hearing my favorite love song and
him walking five steps behind and defending
me when he thought i needed it.
i will always associate the rain
with wet tables and standing up
and laughing with friends and talking
and being wrapped in someone's arms
for the very first time and hearing "i missed you."
i will always associate "almosts" with the guy
i never really realized i wanted until it was too late
and seeing him walk around holding the hand of the
girl who wanted him when i didn't and seeing him kiss
her the way he wanted to kiss me once upon a time
and with ******** up really really irreparably bad this time.
i will always associate short time periods with the two weeks
when i belonged to someone I never expected to want,
when he kissed me like i mattered,
when he held me as though he would never let go
and then told me we should "take a break" and
come back to us when the "time was right."
and i will always associate happiness with these times
when i was loved and wanted and needed for just a little while
and believing for just a moment that i was special.
and you know what else?
i will always associate failure with the entrance of something better
i will associate failure with a narrow escape because if it were meant
for me to have then i would have had it but it's not so i don't.
i will always associate life with beautiful complications.
Jun 19, 2013
Jun 19, 2013 at 11:05 AM UTC
I am now fifteen
and I am now afraid
that one day I'll look up
and all of this will fade away.
I am now fifteen
and I am insecure
because everyone around me
expects me to be sure.
I am now fifteen
and nothing here makes since
except his arms around me
and except for his sweet kiss.
I am now fifteen
and to be as honest as I can be
something tells me one day I might
be wishing again for fifteen.
May 29, 2013
May 29, 2013 at 5:15 PM UTC
The world is full of
wanna-bes and
used-to-bes and
almost-wases.
And the world is crawling with
naysayers and
false speakers and
people who never speak at all.
The world will never run out of
cookie cutters and
fakes and
exact replicas.
But every once in a while,
if you're lucky, really truly lucky
you meet a dream catcher or
a dream weaver or
a dream creator.
And every once in a blue moon,
should all the conditions be right,
you meet someone who is not afraid.
Someone who will hang their feet
over the very edge of this dismal world
look down into the dark expanse
take your hand
close their eyes
and jump.
And that person, my dear,
is you.
May 15, 2013
May 15, 2013 at 10:33 PM UTC
I don't know how to write
of someone who has given
me so much when I have given
so little in return so I will say only
I hope you are happy, today and always
and I hope you can forgive my
every little screw-up: now and in the future.
I love you more than I have ever shown
and more than I have ever felt
and more than you have ever known.
May 12, 2013
May 12, 2013 at 7:11 PM UTC
All the lonely people wander in the night,
clothed in all their misery and hiding from their pain.
All the lonely people hunt for what is right,
devil in their hearts as they sleep out in the rain.
All the lonely people beg, "Stay and love me do."
Lonely people are everywhere, and Eleanor Rigby never knew.
May 12, 2013
May 12, 2013 at 5:46 PM UTC
I've been smiling a lot lately,
laughing more than ever
taking in all my surroundings.
For the first time in a long time
I am confident in myself again
and I am surrounded once again
by beautiful people who actually care
about my happiness and my well-being.
For the first time in a long time
I do not fear sharing my secrets because
I know that I can trust these people with
the world itself if it were entrusted to me
or if it were mine to give away.
For the first time in a long time I
am truly, completely and wonderfully happy.
And it's been a long time since
I've gotten what I wanted
but for the first time in a long time
I'm getting what I need and that's even better.
And as I sit here in the dark,
I unwrap another piece of chocolate
and I think to myself with a smile:
I don't deserve all this happiness,
but I will gladly accept it anyway.
May 11, 2013
May 11, 2013 at 10:26 PM UTC
This round goes to you because
even though it's been so long
the thought of marrying you
is not at all unattractive.
May 11, 2013
May 11, 2013 at 9:53 PM UTC
We sit in a comfortable silence.
He is preoccupied with something
in his hands and I sit watching him
and smiling. He looks up at me.
What is it? he asks.
You're just so goofy. I answer.
I do not tell him how amusing and childlike
his laughter is or how adorable his simpleness is to me.
Yeah, that's just me, he answers back.
Another comfortable silence.
He looks at me with a smile in his eyes.
What are you thinking of? he asks.
*Why didn't we work?
What did I do wrong?
Would we have lasted?
Did you mean all the things you said
once upon a time or was I just a moment
of weakness and blind want for you?
Want me.
Miss me.
Hug me.
Hold me.
Need me.
Love me.
I've missed this comfortable silence,
these meaningful yet insignificant conversations,
your presence and your essence and your everything.
I don't know what I want anymore
but I know it's not you.
It's just something about you that I can't
seem to let go of easily.
I miss you. Please stay.*
But reality steps in
and I am back again.
He looks at me with a smile in his eyes.
What are you thinking of? he asks.
Nothing, I'm just so tired, I answer.
He begins to sing and his voice is heaven.
*I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink.
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink.
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink.*
I consider singing along, but I just want to listen and smile.
You know that one, right? I nod and he grins.
Another comfortable silence.
I begin to realize that the next time we meet
he will probably have forgotten all about this conversation
and he may not speak to me at all.
So I sit there and decide to make the moment last,
lingering in my laughter and reveling in the moment.
Yet another comfortable silence.
What am I thinking of?
He doesn't need to know.
May 10, 2013
May 10, 2013 at 11:25 PM UTC
He's interested in dreams,
the ones where everything is
so vivid and easily explained.
I'm obsessed with dream catchers
because they're beautiful and have
some sort of meaning whether or not
you believe in "evil spirits" or "nightmares"
or "heartbreak" or "reality."
You know, made up things like that.
He writes them down in a little book
and they have funny names and interesting
plot lines and there are some of them I am not
allowed to read and I don't know if that's because
he's hiding them from me or if they are just too personal.
I really should not be wondering if I was ever
in one of his more recent lucid dreams,
if he'd kissed my lips behind his eyes,
if he'd held me tight while he consulted with the Sandman,
if I was his when all the lights were out.
I really should not be wondering if I was ever
in one of his favorite lucid dreams.
But it would be nice to know.
May 9, 2013
May 9, 2013 at 10:09 PM UTC
Today you came back.
Just like old times,
you said with a smile.
Seeing you across the table
the way you used to be,
I was forced to remember
that at that table, you and I
used to share glances and hugs
and smiles and stolen moments.
I was forced to remember the way
it rained on that very first day back at the
start of January and we were forced
to stand because the tables were all wet.
I was forced to remember how you'd
held me in your arms and wouldn't let go
and I was forced to remember how I really
didn't want you to at all.
I was forced to remember how we were
everybody's ever after, everybody's meant to be
and nobody's disappointment except our own.
And then I was forced to acknowledge the words
that have been hanging on the tip of my tongue.
All this time I've thought of saying them, but then you
would know the truth and I couldn't let that happen.
All this time I've wanted to say,
*I miss him being here, with us
laughing and joking, sharing his smile
and his music and his dreams.
I miss him being here, making things
interesting, amusing us all and me
especially.*
And I contemplated telling someone
but I feared you would find out.
I'm glad you came back for today.
I hope you don't leave again too soon.
And for making me admit this,
I guess this round goes to you.
You know you guys love me,
you said smiling.
Sometimes, I said sarcastically.
Sometimes, you repeated with a smile.
May 9, 2013
May 9, 2013 at 7:06 PM UTC