dear future boyfriend,
last time i talked about how i may cry randomly well i may also want to hurt myself at times too.
It's not because of you, but what's inside of me-
i can't control it, i feel like it's taken control over me in fact.
i'll need to be alone on occasions, i'll just be reading or scrolling through
social media sites, doing "nothing" really but in fact,
i'm just trying to distract myself from my thoughts.
they eat me up and swallow me whole.
your love doe the same for me but it's really hard
to listen to other people than the voice in your head
that's telling you to die and leave everyone alone.
So here are some tips I have for you:
if I need to be alone, please give me my space
but
if it looks like i'll be unstable by myself, just hold me and tell me a story i'll be okay afterwards.
if I can't sleep at night, just hold my hand. I'll figure the rest out.
i just need to feel safe that's all
and you're my home; forever will be
Apr 24, 2015
Apr 24, 2015 at 10:22 PM UTC
it's funny how i never expected to be the one apologizing.
you see, i'm usually the one who gets hurt and the one who is left wondering what I did wrong. What made them leave me?
But it's the other way around now, I didn't mean to hurt you.
I think there's just so much sad in me that I just exploded like a grenade hurting everyone around me. This sounds like an excuse and I don't want it to be. I truly am sorry for everything that I have caused you.
I think I've been hurt too many times in the past that I've built a wall surrounding myself to prevent me from getting hurt more. I don't expect you to understand or accept my apology.
I think I should leave but you see, I feel like poison ivy, I'm wrapped around you and I can't let go.
But you can die from poison ivy so I think you're just going to have to cut me off.
I won't want to leave and I don't think I ever will. But I'm not healthy for you.
I'm sorry, but I don't think those words will ever do any justice.
The other people don't matter to me, I was just trying to fill up a void. To try and find a muse but it failed miserably. I hope you know that.
I should leave, I'm rambling and I probably am to stall time because this hurts me too even if you may not see it.
Apr 24, 2015
Apr 24, 2015 at 10:04 PM UTC
i'm so sorry i hurt you
and him and you
and i just caused grief and pain to so many
and i know you don't want to have anything to do with me
that's understandable,
i don't even want me
nobody does
but that's not the point,
i'm sorry
i ******* apologize.
I'm sorry, i mess up a lot
and it's in my nature and this isn't okay. I know, it's an excuse
but the truth, the truth let me tell you hurts and it feels like an avalanche
back to the point. The truth is you'll never like me
and it h u r t s
but i'm okay
i'll be fine like usual
i hope you're doing well
Feb 25, 2015
Feb 25, 2015 at 12:09 AM UTC
He's got a grip on me
Tighter than my father ever will
He's attached and prone to jealousy
I can't help the fact that we're a dynamic duo; we're a pair
But the thing is, he's not even mine.
He's on lot of people's minds, eating their souls out.
He's Depression
Feb 24, 2015
Feb 24, 2015 at 8:02 PM UTC
running away from reality gets tiring after awhile
i wonder if you ever felt like that
the clouds seem happy today but i miss you,
i didn't know this is how you felt like
"i'm sorry"
"did it hurt?"
"i'm drowning again, how about you?"
Far too often than not, I want to jump and fly; however, i'm falling instead
Feb 9, 2015
Feb 9, 2015 at 9:26 PM UTC
the light touches me and i'm in pain; i feel hurt everywhere,
i look at you and i feel the bruises start to form:
you're glorious and i'm miserable
you're a god while i'm a wilted plant
you took the wrong -or right in your opinion- turn and i was your fork in the road
Feb 9, 2015
Feb 9, 2015 at 9:24 PM UTC
he wrote poetry for her but she laughed and called it silly, he burned his ink-stained fingers and cut his hair, he picked up a circular object with lines rimmed around it and threw it around in the air.
he aimed and shot,
she started to pay attention and started to laugh with him, not at him
but his ink-stained fingers started to grow back
Aug 31, 2014
Aug 31, 2014 at 8:22 PM UTC
"we aren't in love!" she shrills, his mouth open slightly as if to say something closes slowly,
he blinks and she moves swiftly out of the room.
He looks up and inhales sharply,
"if we aren't in love then why did you smile at me at the diner? why did you make me believe that maybe, something in this godforsaken universe pulled both of us together in that ****** breakfast food diner? And when i asked if the seat next to you was taken, why did you say no? We exchanged numbers and eventually went on a real date. I bought you things like a normal boyfriend and you collected them all.
When i first saw you- you were almost electrifying, it's as if my heart finally found its' pulse and it started beating after seeing your wonderful face. How come you kissed me first at the park when it was my family's barbecue, ever since you poisioned me with those lips i can't erase them out of my brain, out of my lips.
I-I don't want this to end, whether it was real or not. It was real to me. Please, darling, don't leave.
But you're gone and it's just the four empty walls and I now.
You and I went to our first concert together and we saw the sunrise but more than that we made love, 5am and in a cheap hotel.
Whether we were just tired and filled with adrenaline, i truly loved you then. We fell asleep after but we made love again as soon as we woke up and we were filled with life after.
I don't know why you had *** with me if you didn't believe what we had was real. Maybe it's because I wasn't your first or last, but darling,
I miss you so.
I love you so,
and what we had was real,
at least to me."
He looks at the door it's slightly ajar
hoping she heard, but deep down he knows she's gone
Aug 20, 2014
Aug 20, 2014 at 12:05 AM UTC
today my father laughed aloud and i jumped at the sound of it
it was such a foreign and cacophonous melody
Aug 19, 2014
Aug 19, 2014 at 11:24 PM UTC
words are so complicated when trying to describe someone who you really adore and admire
there are 26 letters in the English alphabet but why does it feel like there should be more?
so here are several reasons why i cherish bianca
number one: she is so understanding and easy to talk to, like at first i thought she was an untouchable force; some sort of female celestial being you know
i was shocked she followed me via twitter and that's how we met
we both were sad
yep, sad that's the word to describe it
a gloomy looming figure standing on top of your heart
number two: she told me who she wrote about, (i don't know if you remember lil' sunflower) but i asked her once
-and mind you, i was terrified of how she'd react because i was so interested and i usually ask other writers, poets, artists who they wrote about.
however, bianca answered truthfully and calmly
in fact she sad nobody asked her this before and i was perplexed why people didn't ask her before in the past
number three: she's like a sunflower,
why? she is such a darling, she's so sweet and she brightens the day by smiling right back at the sun. she needs to rest at night though, so she reads and listens to music and rests just like a sunflower
she also has a knack of cheering me up just like a sunflower
number four: this reason may be stupid but i actually remember her name, so many people i meet i forget their name quickly but hers sticked
i remember her, this is important: i feel like this is my subconscious trying to tell me something. it may seem farfetched but i believe she's special somehow, i may be crazy for saying this....but yeah lol
number five: she has goals in life
this darling has real aspirations in her time here, which i admire about her
number six: her fashion/makeup factor is so on point
we have similar tastes in fashion and makeup hence we watch the same youtubers and such, i really like this about her
it shows more of her quirky and interesting personality
number seven: lucky seven, she loves tea
i don't mean she just drinks it, she breathes tea,
we like the same types as well: none of that nasty berry tea (sorry)
number eight: she can understand me, she listens
bianca listens to my ridiculous little rants all the time even if they're stupid and tedious and i really thank her for this, i go to her when i feel like the four walls are closing in on me and she really does listen to what i have to say
number nine: we plan on meeting someday...
when we both gain some self-confidence and when a jolt of adrenaline kicks in, i'm super excited
number ten: i know there are more reasons but this is where this letter shall end today
she puts up with my stupid imessage not working and the dms on twitter suffice for our friendship, sigh it's annoying but true
i love you darling dear, i hope you have a wonderful night!!
sincerely,
Ria **
Aug 16, 2014
Aug 16, 2014 at 12:05 AM UTC