Don't mistake my nostalgia for reminiscing,
Don't tell me all of my guilt is masked by all of his faults.
Because I am also to blame.
Though,
Feeling guilt does not make someone guilty,
Feigning innocence does not make someone innocent.
This is not a victimless crime,
But I cannot sit here and call myself victim
Without explaining to you what I put him through too.
I can't preach to you as a survivor
When the wounds I carry are just as deep as the ones I caused.
Sep 16, 2024
Sep 16, 2024 at 1:12 AM UTC
And I reach my finger so far down my throat as if I'm fishing,
I can never seem to catch anything besides sea sickness.
A whole ocean pouring from my mouth,
the saltiness burns as it comes up.
The waves are violent, as if they are trying to knock me all the way down to the bottom.
Cement fills my head dragging me down even faster.
And I'm stranded on this island,
I sit here thinking that this is going to be what finally kills me.
I continue to starve,
almost as though I'm used to it already.
Jan 8, 2023
Jan 8, 2023 at 2:07 AM UTC
And the little slip of paper said,
“Have you ever contemplated suicide?”
And there were check boxes underneath,
One said Yes and the other No,
And this sounds like a simple question but I don’t know how to answer.
See I’ve thought about what life might look like if I wasn’t in it,
Sometimes I write suicide notes
with what I think is no intention,
Some days I can’t get out of bed,
And I think about the people who will feel better when I’m gone.
But I haven’t laid on the bathroom floor with a pill bottle,
I haven’t held rope in my hand with a place to hang it,
People always assume contemplating suicide means holding a gun and putting it down,
Being at the hand of death and only looking over the edge,
And although it could be that really,
Contemplating suicide is cutting up an apple and thinking,
Maybe your family would be happier without you.
Its doing homework and thinking about what your teacher would think,
Or sitting in the shower,
Wondering if it will get better.
People say suicide is a one word answer,
But they never take into account the paragraphs before.
So as I’m sitting there,
Reading the question that I still don’t have the answer to,
I check no,
And think about it all day.
Oct 29, 2020
Oct 29, 2020 at 8:17 PM UTC
I always read poetry about those boys,
The ones with big brown eyes
And enough apologies to make you feel loved,
But I've yet to read a poem,
About how the boys with oceans for eyes
Are just as dangerous,
How they have enough "I love you"s
To make you feel sorry for them.
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 5:35 PM UTC
All you are is
Nostalgia
With a neon smile,
And Wildfire,
With a steady hand
Mar 18, 2020
Mar 18, 2020 at 1:42 AM UTC
Got Me Drunk On Wanting Reasons,
And High Off Nothing But Excuses,
Mar 5, 2020
Mar 5, 2020 at 11:42 PM UTC
This morning, I put my belt on upside down,
I put my socks on the wrong feet,
and don’t ask me how I did it
because I don’t know either.
I listened to music while I got ready,
had the same song on repeat so I wouldn’t forget it,
because it reminded me of you,
and I never wanted to forget you.
I drove to school in silence,
like I usually do.
Passed kids in the hallways who hated to be there,
almost as much as I did.
Because they have to walk on edge.
Spaced out during math,
taking notes on doodles and dreams,
By the end of the day things felt fuzzy.
So tired nothing poured out but giggles.
And everything made us laugh.
Used to make us laugh.
Made me laugh.
Jan 31, 2020
Jan 31, 2020 at 8:14 PM UTC
You can't tell me that,
because before,
when everything was perfect,
I believed that,
It hurts more to wash blood down the drain then to feel it come out of me,
when I cry,
I don't stop until I can feel something again,
and when I told you I loved you,
I meant it.
If it's just a bad day,
not just a bad life,
then how come every day is bad?
How come I pushed people so far away that they're never coming back?
How come it is so hard to breath that I break down crying in my brother's car and have to miss first period cause I can't stop?
The good days are spread so thin that I don't have much to compare the bad ones to,
If I knew who was hurting me,
I would hurt them back,
but I have to take it out on someone for now,
and I'm the only one crying on the bathroom floor,
When I have bad days I don't think about the good ones,
I think about how many more days I have to keep taking deep breaths before the deep breaths take me,
I wonder where they would take me,
and why I'm not there yet,
When I do have a good day,
I think about it ending,
if I could just stay "good" for a few more minutes,
maybe I would really know what it felt like.
But the only thing I can think is
"It's a good day, not a good life"
Jan 14, 2020
Jan 14, 2020 at 1:01 AM UTC
And I don't want it to be over,
because that means no more sunsets,
and I've never really liked the feeling of the sunrise,
It's too familiar.
And washes out my favorite stars,
The ones I wished on,
because I wished for you,
and all the sunrise brings is ungranted wishes,
and unfinished poetry.
Jan 1, 2020
Jan 1, 2020 at 2:00 AM UTC
I’ve been thinking about you.
Not just when I feel lonely.
I care about you,
even if we were impossible.
And I can’t help but stay awake,
still longing for our coffee date,
But I know it's over,
So to my dearest friend,
I love you,
Dec 28, 2019
Dec 28, 2019 at 5:06 AM UTC