mostly broken records scratch
and crumble like the newspaper i left out by the kitchen sink and then
you came home and smash my piggy bank.
i watch you from the bathroom night
light, illuminating regret.
it’s a silent sober stumble on
the rooftop.
still, we try to raise
it. i’m betting on all the lucky stars and
he’s taking all my losses.
around the corner she opens the
door to let the outside
inside. the
room fills with smoke and
mirrors - a failure to
ventilate.
i catch a glimpse of myself in one of them
and ask:
“are you coming to my
play date with heaven to
open my rusty heart?”
those sharp smiles feel better than
a frown and he said
“better luck next time!” or something cliche
something that cuts like a knife.
so i pulled that dagger out and whispered,
“you’re just a
charming nothing.”
and he walked away with all my winnings.
Nov 3, 2025
Nov 3, 2025 at 12:27 PM UTC
i blew the speakers out of the
2024 toyota rav4 that i let you trick me into buying. there is now
a slight humming noise that escapes the sound
system in a way that reminds me of your
not so sunny disposition.
it reverberates in the stillness of my
new apartment. i hear it inside
my head. i watch it loop around.
(my neck, your hands)
i see a blinking light at the end of the tunnel, it’s green and it’s still in memory,
ready for playback. i don’t stop at mcdonald’s for fries anymore. i don’t remember how to eat.
i drive my car in silence now.
my brother thinks i write poems about killing john lennon. the truth is it would
be much nicer if the obsession had died by someone else’s hand. instead i write
about how
there’s something ceremonial about cleaning up a blood spill. i’m peering over
the sink to see it swirl down the drain most of the time or trying to
figure out if it’s yours or
mine.
this is when close my eyes and
i know lady macbeth weeps
somewhere holding chekhov’s gun
to her temple. if i tilt my head
a certain way i see her face in the mirror and you can only
scrub and scrub until
the discoloration is dissolved, but
what if you don’t know how
to get this type of
invisible stain lifted from my threads?
if you figure it out, let me know.
whenever i decide to
stop it i’ll be in that car i
hate so much singing let it be
or yellow submarine
with all those ******
phonies in my passenger
seat. if you ever listened closely enough, there has always an unsteadiness
to my voice. and
maybe if you are nice to me,
i’ll let you click the button,
(my hands, your mouth)
i think it’ll be ready for playback.
Jun 11, 2025
Jun 11, 2025 at 10:22 PM UTC
i wish i was a string on a
guitar. i wish i was a hailstorm,
my particles crushing yours.
i wish i was a hotdog
on the fourth of july.
i wish i was a stop sign.
i wish i was the smell of coffee
and the vapors that drift
through your swollen
sinuses. i wish was
a vinyl sticker. so you can
peel me off
like a band aid when you are
done.
May 14, 2025
May 14, 2025 at 11:01 AM UTC
i stole this purse from the goodwill
on main by accident.
do you see how it dangles from my
helpless arm? the rearview mirror
shows me that i have so many lines
on my face now that didn't used to be there.
i place it on the steering wheel of my
vehicle
and watch all the people
drive away in the parking lot after work.
the water droplets form.
i think they watch me while i watch
them with some kind of
conviction.
i want to reach out and touch the invisible clock
that holds us all together.
i know it’s jagged and flowing
and it ticks and ticks and
ticks.
we can feel it bend like a web in the wind.
i wonder if they ever worry about these things like i do.
if grains of sand pass through
a glass tube
for an unpredictable amount of time,
i no longer want to invoke
a feeling you cannot replace
with the keys of a car or piano.
so i sing myself to sleep at night,
“time is a web, it catches us all.”
May 13, 2025
May 13, 2025 at 4:45 PM UTC
and here is where He told me i ruined
most days spent together wrapped
in a thick blanket of mutual
disgust, where i am the reason for such misery and
where i found myself to
be the biggest burden in the life of a smallest man
who had ever lived a life parallel to mine. and here,
where the river ends, so did my feeling of uncertainty; and the dynamic that
never served me. which is also here,
i find myself where we once
stood with my dog at my side.
now i hold an empty leash, once tethered to a companion that no longer exists except within my memories.
sometimes they’ll ****** out like tiny flashes of terror and lightness
and fruitfulness. this is how i
i know He never stood inside my love.
i walked a few miles by myself and
learned to let go of the leash.
there will no longer be fingers grasping for what i thought was once tangible. these limbs now stretch out reaching for something
much greater.
Apr 28, 2025
Apr 28, 2025 at 2:18 PM UTC
i cut up my apple then read a few
documents to sign my life away right
back where it came from,
notwithstanding the foregoing.
i am my own dog that
licks the peanut butter off the
spoon now.
i looked up what it meant to share
a traumatic bond and found myself in a
cyclical state between two resentful
mannequins strung against
time and other insatiable
responsibilities.
there was always an emptiness inside.
i put the knife down and think of
all the green onions i've minced in my entire life
to serve dinners in a home that felt like
a coffin.
we will have to try again later.
Feb 17, 2025
Feb 17, 2025 at 9:07 PM UTC
live a life like a little black disc
and rotate. warmly and popping.
i think a memory of this;
i know something eclipses your lips.
it wont ever sound as good as
a fist
being thrown against your
chest and so
that's how i know
the vibrational touch is just
static.
can you tell me
if we should
keep waiting for the system to
stay on the automatic
replay of the public
domain?
and
if so, this would include,
but not be limited to:
the never ending burden
of wiring between a disconnect;
laughing at some kind of understated
joke; or slight reference of culture.
i think of a memory of the impending.
it's sweet and bubbly, sticky and stupid; and
secretly selfish.
i think we would taste like pink icing.
but when we listen to the
lyrical content and dance around the
constructive ideology of a sunrise
within a glowing rectangle,
plugged into a wall, it’s
spewing syrupy sewage
through bluetooth airwaves, and
you stall.
that’s how i know you
won’t even tell me that, with
words, fragmented phrases;
or some unreliable catchy melody.
and
if so, i'll just have to tell
you it wasn't meant to end well.
Feb 16, 2025
Feb 16, 2025 at 2:19 PM UTC
i can't think of anything profound to say
other than everything is an allegory
and when you go to sleep at night,
do you think of jumping off of a
building of at least ten stories
like i once did?
Feb 12, 2025
Feb 12, 2025 at 6:51 PM UTC
i told my mother
the other night about how
i've never really felt a sense of
accomplishment whenever i
really do accomplish something,
because i have this unending burdening
inside me that bids my brain, and other
extremities around me to be obligated to do such things,
and extraneous tasks at all costs.
or else.
and she just looked at me with
sad vacant eyes, and then i said i also have
experienced very little joy in life, which
i think my father can relate to if he would
actually talk about it, or his feelings, or anything
at all, really.
i still find myself wondering if living with
myself has been punishment enough for the times
i have done wrong in the eyes of others. i don't want to but
then i go back to a place when i was just a girl, trying to be the
right amount of “just enough” for an approving
smile, or nodding gesture. it didn't stop there, obviously. it carried on, into my current chapter, i keep grasping the pages of each day and rip them from the spine of my own flawed
little life story just to keep it from
unraveling completely.
but that's how it's supposed to be, you
keep waking up, even when something truly
terrible happens. even when you are devalued,
drained of your former self, and possibly brainwashed,
maybe. strangers will say that they can't believe your
so-called strength, or whatever, while you exist in pure disgust and
shame that this is really happening. you want to manually
unhinge your own jaw and crack open your head about it. this is really happening.
in the meantime, i think forgiveness is a weapon.
however, it's best used against its perpetrator. at least that's
my take on the subject at hand. and i know it's not
the most karmic way of looking at it but my finger is
definitely on the trigger,
and all my friends and family are asking me
"for what?"
Jan 24, 2025
Jan 24, 2025 at 12:20 AM UTC