3a.m. isn't a time where you should be staring at the razor
Wondering whether or not you want to throw away months of progress
For one night of relapse
It's a time where you should be lost in slumber,
Dreaming of the day your deepest desires become reality
Like I dream of the day I'll give someone my heart and they won't drop it like it's on fire,
And they won't watch it shatter and think stupid girl, it's your own fault
Please tell me why the **** I'm not good enough for anyone
There's got to be someone who can fall in love with my dark soul
My under-rested cynical brain
These hollow eyes that show nothing but misery and pain
There's got to be someone who can ******* handle my dark and twisted insides
Someone who'll see the worst in me and want me even more
Deep down, I know it won't happen
It's just a fleeting dream and I don't expect anything to come of it
It's 3:45 in the morning and I hate myself
Feb 6, 2015
Feb 6, 2015 at 10:07 PM UTC
Everyone's searching for something they can't find; wanting something they can't have. We're all stuck there, wondering what to do. Wondering if we'll ever find what we're looking for or get what we want. And then there are the times we realize that the answer is no and we stop searching, stop wanting, and come to grips with the fact that life is just not fair. It's a fault in human beings, thinking that everything has to go their way and that life has to be fair.
The scars on my arms have almost completely faded away. Is it strange that I feel a sense of loss? They were my company, my best friends. I could sit there and stare at them for hours, fascinated with how ****** up I'd become. But now they're leaving and I can either bring them back or find some new "friend" that will occupy my time and my mind. I'm not sure if I'm ready to let them go.
There's a post I saw on Tumblr that says "I'm sorry I gave you everything I had without making sure you wanted it." It reminds me of all the ******** in my past. It reminds me of you.
I'm not meant to fall in love or be loved. It seems I'm just destined for shallow infatuations and brief lust affairs. I'm wary of "forever"s because forever has always been measured in days, weeks, or months when it comes to me.
The worst part is that I can't blame anyone for leaving. No one in their right minds would want to deal with me.
Jan 30, 2015
Jan 30, 2015 at 9:19 PM UTC
Things aren't the way they used to be
Used to have feelings but too many people ruined me
And I could blame them but it's clear to see
It's my fault. Should've never let them get near to me
Giving everything just to stay under the influence
Because I can't feel pain if I can't even feel my face
And I'm addicted to being numb and all the memories it can erase
I'm ****** up, yes, and I can't remember how I got that way
Dec 21, 2014
Dec 21, 2014 at 12:11 PM UTC
I give you my heart of glass, shattered
Would you take this heart that's bruised and battered?
I know you've got the tools to fix it
And for your love, I'm desperate
I need you like the oxygen we breathe,
Produce similar effects when you're taken away from me—choking on sadness, the lack of you leaves me unable to breathe
Maybe I'm too needy, but really, can you blame me?
It was in my worst moment that you said you would take me
You wanted me when no one else did
Loved me, replaced the things in me that were amiss
You gave me happiness, fixed my trust
Is it even possible to love you this much?
I'm so sorry for the times I doubt you, but you have to understand
It's rare in this life that I'm given the upper hand
So it's not your ability I'm doubting, trust me, it's me
I **** things up as you've clearly seen
I love you I love you I love you oh my God I love you
Those three words just aren't enough to express what I hold for you in my heart
Regardless, please accept them. They're all I have and they can express even an inkling of what I feel for you.
I want to wake up with you by my side every morning for the rest of my life,
Just being near you will suffice
Drawing circles on your skin while you lay still sleeping
And you looking at me with a lazy grin on your face when you wake up and see me—as if I'm the most beautiful thing
I want you so much and waiting to have you is torture
But I will wait until the day I can finally wrap my arms around you and kiss you hello
Sep 26, 2014
Sep 26, 2014 at 11:53 PM UTC
I deleted the poem you left me when you hacked in
I'm sorry I ruined our relationship once again
This is the second and final time you've broken up with me
It's time I just accept the defeat
I can't be who you want or what you need
I'm too ****** up for anybody
I'm sorry you wasted so much time with me
Sep 2, 2014
Sep 2, 2014 at 10:10 AM UTC
I used to reach for a spliff to numb the pain
Of when my chest started to ache
Or when my brain was about ready to explode
I'd drink until I couldn't remember my name
Just a quick shallow cut across my skin
Would lead to more and I'd be horrified to look at myself the next day
Now that that's all gone
What do I do when I'm choking on my tears at 4a.m. trying not to make a sound?
What do I do when the pain in my skull won't surrender to a couple aspirin?
What do I do when everything in my world is falling apart while everyone I know is sleeping...dreaming?
The voice in my head says
No one cares
And I'm beginning to think she's right
Aug 15, 2014
Aug 15, 2014 at 9:31 PM UTC
When I'm screaming your name over and over, artfully disguise my screams of pleasure as careful intonations of my love for you.
When you look at me, I don't mind if you picture the rest of our lives together. Just promise me that you'll make it detailed and fill our future with promises you can keep.
When we talk to each other, your words touch my heart the way the sun rises, bathing the sky in beauty.
I fell in love with you and I don't want you to break my heart, I want you to have it. It's yours now. I am yours now.
Jun 18, 2014
Jun 18, 2014 at 8:45 AM UTC
It's an anxiety attack waiting to happen when I can't think of a witty way to say something unoriginal; something that everyone has heard before, but that just now occurred to me to say. I can feel my thoughts racing, my heartbeat speeding up to pump blood to my overreacting brain that's now thinking, "How the **** am I gonna get these feelings out, now?" I can't think of a cunning way to use a metaphor--one that I need to be able to put this pen to the page and call all these thoughts in my head poetry.
What is the meaning of poetry? I feel like I should have some kind of figurative language in here, but my brain is fried. I'm too numb to process a **** thing. I'm so numb that it physically hurts and that pain is all that I can feel. That and the burning of my eyes from lack of sleep. This isn't poetry. I don't know what this is--random words strung together by a writer who's falling asleep at the page, who doesn't even know what sense is at this point. It's a rant...it's a ramble. Sleepless ramble
Jun 8, 2014
Jun 8, 2014 at 10:22 PM UTC
I can't sleep when you're mad at me,
I feel like a bad girlfriend
Why didn't I try to fix it immediately after it happened?
I guess I should say sorry, it's always my fault,
Isn't it?
But I hate being the one to start apologizing
Why am I always ruining ****
I know you'll tell me, after we make up, that I didn't ruin us
That we're still us
I know that. But I still ruined *something
*
I'm sorry I'm insecure and I'm still nervous around you
I'm sorry I feel everything too deeply and get hurt by the smallest things you say or do
I'm sorry I'm sensitive. I'm sorry I got mad at you
I'm sorry for my one word answers, that was the wrong thing to do
I'm sorry I didn't immediately tell you I'm sorry
I'm sorry for writing this poem instead of checking if you're still awake so that I can tell you that
I'm sorry
May 23, 2014
May 23, 2014 at 12:47 AM UTC
I don't care if he's perfect or not
I love him the way he is.
He may not think so,
But I know that all he has to offer
Is all that I need
I don't care if it's not much,
Because just having him call me Darlin'
Is enough
Just having him
Is enough
I want to tell him how much I care
But I'm afraid I'll become even more attached
And it'll break me when,
Like the ****** I am,
I ruin this thing that's barely gotten the chance to start
And push him away and make him leave
And the sane part of me will just sit back
And watch me ruin this great thing
May 1, 2014
May 1, 2014 at 10:19 AM UTC