a tub of chocolate ice cream sitting lonely on the countertop is the only witness of despair
there were two spoons embedded in the tub,
i put one spoon away and left with only one spoon
and a sadness
you loved how it felt on your tongue, delicate and cold and sweet
and we're supposed to finish it after dinner while watching a serial killer on television
there's always a price we pay for every time we indulge in our own obscure paradise
a kiss equals to our mother's tears
time spent in each others' arms equals digging our own graves
and ice cream equals sweetness equals sickness
you'll regret this, you'll regret this,
and we never wanted to talk about it
let’s just devour it, we said
i finished off a tub of chocolate ice cream on kitchen floor all alone
i could never finish it off alone, i told you earlier
now i want to take my words back, please i want to feel something else besides sadness
i want to take you back, please
i want to imagine this cold soft cream is you traveling inside me
the sweetness swelled in my mouth, my stomach, let me feel something else besides sadness
and some days in our lives we’re condemned to be happy on our own, with nobody’s cheering
and when the day comes, don’t hesitate to look back once more when you’re walking away
look back once more longer, look out for me in the balmy days when we finally reunite
Nov 27, 2022
Nov 27, 2022 at 10:45 AM UTC
it was a summertime dream
where you could be whoever you wished
where you could ask for whatever you wanted
warm white sun graced our dark world, shining
swimming pool was bright blue, glistening yellow and gold
cooling myself off from the amusing heatwave, i had the most fun
when was the last time i truly laughed and was joyous?
my heart sang and i was afraid for a moment–oh the weight to be happy!
i let go of the fear, and i hummed the tune to every boy i half-loved
in hope i could open up to life–a girl can’t be this wistful
and simon was hilarious, he was the bigger man,
he was the life i needed myself to open up to, his sunburnt arms around my waist,
and there’s a feeling of great loss in me i needed to bury deep
besides simon, the hollowness in me stayed–how do we bury a hollowness?
with diamonds and an innocent boy, and more diamonds, simon said
the pale blue dome was washed with gold crimson rays now
and summertime had to end eventually, with me stayed these memories to get by
when i was blue and cold and aching in my father’s misty, lush grave
simon too was vanished, his promises lingered on my fingertips sealed with his kisses
he loved me that summer and that summer only
May 27, 2022
May 27, 2022 at 3:46 PM UTC
in the cleanest dream i had of moon
we dived into the deepest end of pool
he never left my side,
his brief was blue
underwater glimmer held me accountable
for things i longed the most, for things i wished for the most
such as fingers of my moon,
the many hearts of my moon in mine
you see, i wanted more than i could swallow
because i longed to be annihilated by those i loved
but underwater still, we held hands
i wanted to ask – why are you here?
we're seven feet below the surface of the water,
and decided not to ask – having you there was enough
as florentia, in another time we abandoned, he wrote me:
this need for affection kills
when you just can't afford love
Apr 9, 2022
Apr 9, 2022 at 12:23 PM UTC
the last day of january
has always been so odd to me, darling
you left me there many days ago with a kiss,
and i've been figuring things out alone ever since
killing parts of myself, when i needed you the most
but look how i seized the days, look how i overcame it
i was merely sad and mopping around the city,
weeping over the trails you left on the streets we've walked on
and there were your eyes over the blue skies
asking everyone, was it ever my fault that we didn't work?
and this year, on the last day of january,
i got my new diamonds and rose gold
i merely checked on my work and to-do list
for the weekdays, i planned my february
you called me last saturday, you're drunk
i said i hope you're okay- and you thought i'd never reply
but i'm always weak for you, and it's january
so i check my phone, i hope you call me again to say hi
but i haven't heard from you in a day
i thought you were just drunk and lonely on saturday mornings
and you happened to remember that i've loved you ever since
and so i prowl back on my work, i am a busy young woman
my schedule: talking to teresa tomorrow,
talking to chris after the new year,
and talking to you no longer feels like talking to a person i love
you're more of a total stranger than the coco i know, than teresa, than chris
you just proved me again that you are never right for me, darling
i miss what i thought i had, i miss you the most of all
and it's very lonely to know
that i have been hurting myself than you ever did,
i hope you know this, but you're not capable of it,
my tiger knows no hurting
and i said wake up and get ready, it's the last day of january, darling
the professor is waiting for you at the door.
and i hope you're okay,
and i hope you're doing well in life
Jan 30, 2022
Jan 30, 2022 at 1:35 PM UTC
i mourn because i haven't completely savored this agony when it's hot
this pain of losing you, and being all alone in a fear you never had, most of all
it's outdated, but i remember it's january and you left me when the year was still fresh with hope
i knew nothing, and i am not over it, i am not over my youth, i am not over my rage
i have nice things now, they're made of gold and diamonds, pride and money
i have better things to say and write, and i am moving forward in life
i took a knife out from my pocket when you gave this agony
i cut it thinly, i put it in my mouth every day.
while losing you never was in my plan, i learn to say goodbye to things that ****
i digest this slowly, you in my mind, hoping you'll be back telling me you're sorry
i live with this bitterness that stays, i figure i will never run out of this
it says: i would never really lose you, that's never in my plan
i am moving forward in life, and I have you still
like the way I see you in my dreams now, you're more like myself than you've ever been
someday i'll forgive you for stealing from me,
i'll forgive you for deceiving me,
i'll forgive you for breaking my heart
but now, i'd rather take it all up, feel it,
and let it consume me like it's supposed to, long ago
Jan 18, 2022
Jan 18, 2022 at 1:52 PM UTC
china white suits you best
on some strange day, you’re stranded in a desert
and i’m proud, you're brave and tall, you in that shirt
neither of us is a believer,
but i put my faith in you
we both know:
god is in the branch of trees, god is in your flimsy blue veins
a tiny silver speck in the blue yonder, and there i'll be
i'll have my eye on you
you’re fighting aliens again, sweetheart,
like in starcraft, they're somber and green and gray,
isn’t it strange that we might share the same dream,
despite being miles away?
you’re stout-hearted, but i think
you don’t have to be there
right back there christopher ray
you don't have to be there
Nov 27, 2021
Nov 27, 2021 at 10:34 AM UTC
china white suits you best
while you're in the desert, stranded
you're brave and tall, you're in that shirt
neither of us is a believer,
but god is in the trees, god is in the heart
behind the blue dome, i pin my eye on you
you're fighting aliens, like in star craft
was it a strange dream that we share?
they're green and gray,
and it scares you but you are the hero
you don't have to be there
you don't have to be there
Nov 24, 2021
Nov 24, 2021 at 10:56 AM UTC
sinking low, layers of consciousness drifting away softly
you slip in between, fragments of this half-forgotten face
aren't you tired of flying around me, my strange?
when i gradually grow defenseless, lampshade turns sunset crimson
darkness thickens with yearnings outside, on the lane
my senses are heightened but i am senseless,
and dull are the days since i lost you again, i have been grieving for nothing,
(you became me, and i wished not to be left by myself)
and no matter how far i go you are remembered
in hours when i grow defenseless
my cheekbones are defined, i look more of a strong-willed woman
than a mad girl in love who parted ways with me once and all
but still we said this to the thin air: make me happy again
i wished you could hear this and i felt vapid,
i only have myself and it will be enough, and not enough
take me back into the holy room, where you and i had each other
and you were enough for me but i wasn't for you, we're lovers still
if we must part then i wished it was of my will
but a creak of a toad brings me back to life here
kicked out of heavens in clouds, there's a hole in heart, and will always be
tossing and turning, i touch my face with my unarmed hands
(these were once yours too)
i thought you might forget and never knew missing yourself
(i hoped you'd be back, i hoped you'd look back)
Nov 17, 2021
Nov 17, 2021 at 12:50 PM UTC
sing or read, we play to **** time
you want to go through the day
when you have time to miss me
sing or read, and the game is just silly
take this rule:
we don’t even need to tell nobody when it begins
just like a gist of feeling, you just know it,
also when it ends, you know it ends
(and i quietly hope you won’t go when it does)
how come you read my mind, or so i imagine it,
blue is the color of the shirt of the man i love
sing i said, i laughed and won,
long live our love and reign
do you think you will remember these days?
you have to look it up on google and it’s nowhere
sometimes i look at you and wish you’d listen and understand more, like i hope you’d be - a man in mind
i said it’s a read, i thought you lost the game
(you lose the game and i’m the one who feels defeated)
and you say, it’s just a game
and i think you’d forget these days
Nov 15, 2021
Nov 15, 2021 at 9:44 AM UTC
in that dream you were miguel and i was mariah
we're riding down the town over ninety-nine,
enveloped in the dark, black was the night,
you faced the winding road without fright
starlight, oh starlight,
beyond these temporal distortions and glaring windows
have we plainly met? supposing past lives were true,
were we made out of the same timeline?
maybe we’re old and married, maybe you’re a friend of a friend
look how i thought that over, like a sundial
where are we going? i inquired while i was holding you from behind
it’s the sound of raging winds against us for a reply
you were speeding and seeming to forget i was there
or i was there all along, only alone
miguel miguel, don’t make me look back
i closed my eyes and i pretended you too thought this way
i let myself own our time while it lasted, you and i,
although you didn’t know me, i didn’t know you,
out of question was the future, but always wanting it to be true
and so i held on tight to the roads covered in gloom,
the stars would go out before i forget you
Oct 3, 2021
Oct 3, 2021 at 5:27 AM UTC