Adieu, adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Sweet like antifreeze on the tongues of feral cats
who breathe their last in forgotten hovels or a roadside ditch.
Sweet as your saccharine sweat
arresting strands of hair that lay pasted to your furrowed brow.
It does not do a heart much good
to beat in time with a careless mind –
Shoddy metronome of disregard, and I care too much.
Tempest-tossed albatross that I am,
lying as a millstone about your neck.
No longer buoyed on broken wings, but held fast;
bound with calloused hands that seek but don’t offer.
Of your tasks I might inquire
though you care not for mine.
Unrequited interest is a flare whose glare I should prefer not to see.
Unbound books in a wicker basket –
three for a dollar.
Darned clothing smells of bleach and despair –
rifle through their memories.
I am damaged goods behind the thrift store
with no spot on the shelf.
Aberrant detritus unfit for reuse.
May 23, 2023
May 23, 2023 at 9:12 AM UTC
There is a book of poetry pressed into your stomach.
Its pages take your warmth from the line they have made above your navel.
I am jealous of that script.
How wonderful to be a sheet of parchment in that spine -
What joy to take what was in you for its own.
Given the chance, I would seize it too.
Grip your heat like a hand that slips between your legs –
Grasping past slick thighs on wet denim.
Shorts that will soon be removed.
Yet I must wait.
You are framed in a sofa, and I –
I am prostrate on the floor.
This is the wrong floor.
Your sofa sits upon another.
I count three ice cubes in your whiskey, though it may be two.
Oh, to be that amber liquid sliding down your throat.
Closer than the pages, but cooler than your *** –
Though just as wet.
A portrait of divine grace, you make me seek religion.
I find it in the small of your back and in the curling of your toes –
When you curve into my eagerness.
Dust will settle on the glass as it hangs upon my wall.
I will trace your frame with a finger –
Trailing lines that seek direction.
Will you come for me?
May 21, 2023
May 21, 2023 at 8:38 PM UTC
I clipped my nails this morning
And mourned the loss of that claw-like keratin
It is strange to consider
-it is lost in the carpet
That it will never again mark your skin
As I burrow into you
I will grow another
Proteinaceous remnant of evolution
To defend against the void
-black holes are strange
That aches to consume me
Should I be deprived of you
Yet it will not hold the memory
Of the skin cells I stripped
Your flesh folding like the shirt
-it lies forgotten on the floor
That befell the same fate
When you settled in my lap
May 20, 2023
May 20, 2023 at 9:24 AM UTC
A ***** roadside hotel should suffice.
Mom and Dad are arguing again,
And I am too little to know why.
I watch The Addams Family.
That night, I am scared that Thing
Will catch me sleeping on the floor.
There are no childhood photos
Or memories of a bedroom.
Only disconnected images
That jump from buying jars of honey
From the basement of an unknown Aunt
In the middle of the night
To steering the car from the passenger seat
With a paper plate.
I don't even know who was driving.
The mission halls were kinder.
I can remember running through the sadness
For a peanut butter and jelly.
We had family reunions
With strangers who let me play baseball,
And I ducked the tag
The way I've been ducking you.
The gravel mixed with blood;
I was reckless and young.
The arm I'd flung to catch me
Had dragged through the dirt.
At 5 years old, you brought me to a home
Where an older boy tried to tell me
Let's play Mommies and Daddies.
His Mommy must have known,
And when she flung back the sheet
His eyes widened,
Expanding like the ****
He had wanted me to ****
I found you watching wrestling.
When I climbed in your lap
I wondered if she would tell you.
I don't think you ever held me again.
You dropped some quarters in my hand
To keep me quiet.
Hour 4 in the smoky haze
Of the VFW where you did not belong.
I won a cup from the crane machine.
Too late, you say to wash it first,
And there is dirt in my water.
Mom blows smoke rings
In the car outside your work.
I think she is spying.
The oval shapes bring calm-
An order I requested
On a night that made no sense.
There were no friends to call
When at 3 a.m. I pushed a car,
Wrapped in my blankie.
Friends would have been asleep,
Power rangers beside their beds
With the heat on.
But it was so cold, and we had run out of gas.
What had you run out of? Patience?
I can remember waking in the car;
You pressed a drink to my lips.
It tasted better than anything I'd had before.
I woke in the morning
In a house where I was hated,
And the kids had drank my nectar.
The cup said Tom's on the side.
You left me there.
I think her name was Michelle.
She told me I couldn't play
Until I'd learned to tie my shoe.
I sat and watched my sister on the park
With kids I didn't even know.
Laces on the ground, and I was ashamed.
Later, she'd tell me she didn't have the key
When her son put a pair of play handcuffs on me.
I spent the entire day waiting.
Her husband, it seemed, could get them off.
At 4p.m. I found the button
That released me.
She had known the whole time.
At 6, I saw you for the last time.
I watched, crying, from the window
As Pop told you to clear out.
When you drove off, was part of you relieved?
I think you must have been.
You didn't fight for us.
Dad got custody, but he didn't want us.
Dad raised us in bars.
I sang Hootie and the Blowfish
With a man named Cricket.
Watched a million pool cues
Bang against the Rusty Wallace decor
That was too close to the table.
My picture might still be on the wall
Of that place called Ernie's.
I know it like others knew their rooms-
The ones I didn't have
Or those that didn't welcome me.
When Mom left, you found a sucker.
Sheriff lady.
What a stupid ******* name.
I thought she was nice
Because she didn't get mad
When I couldn't finish my salad.
It lasted a week
Before she hit me.
It's funny.
I found the court documents
Where you wrote that Mom abused us-
Written like you'd cared.
But I can still hear the screams
Of my sister as they held her down
At 8 years old.
She couldn't even sit down the next day.
You were out drinking, of course.
The guidance counselor interrupted my lunch once
Said Derek, how are you doing?
You had driven your motorcycle through a parade
While we were at home being broken.
I said I was fine,
Because happiness and sadness
Started to look like the same **** thing to me.
You made me hope for a way out
When at 17 I fell in love.
I left that house for a warmer one,
Where I had begun lighting fires on my own.
You never taught me
How to be kind.
I was looking out for me at her expense.
I traded love for loyalty,
Brought her down to my level,
'til she felt too weak to leave me.
But with distance came perspective
And she left, too.
Which was good, I thought
When two years later
I learned I was the problem.
I'm in my thirties now.
Something is wrong.
I've had love and life and laughter,
But you still won't show up for me.
Sometimes I see you
Dancing in the eyes of my little girl-
Light that doesn't belong to me.
I think I am broken
In ways that cannot be mended-
In ways that cannot be loved for a lifetime.
I am built for friends to love, from a distance.
I am not made for you,
Nor you for I.
I am not meant to be happy.
I am just meant to die.
May 7, 2023
May 7, 2023 at 9:05 AM UTC
Storm herald, you are; cold wind so urgent.
The frigid gust that tenses skin and straightens hair.
You woke me.
You broke me.
Broke like the first hard rain on dry, cracked soil.
Lazy petrichor, pervasive and benevolent.
You’re in me.
You’re on me.
On me like the heavy heat of a sticky summer night.
The damp air perspiring in the absence of the sun.
You quelled me.
You held me.
Held me like a moment ere the fall.
Beyond the edge where only canyon walls await.
You caught me.
You’re not me.
Not me when I break like so many promises-
On the tongues of those who meant well.
You heal me.
You see me.
See me like the dappled sun through leaves-
That strain to keep their grip upon the branches.
You fought me.
You taught me.
Taught me like the goal was absolution-
Where the judges held the glass.
You feel me.
You hear me.
Hear me like the pleas of fated ghosts-
Intent on salvaging eternity.
You own me.
You’ve shown me.
Shown me radiance on windows-
Warmth that melts the morning frost, unbidden.
Apr 28, 2023
Apr 28, 2023 at 6:11 PM UTC
Wake me. Shake me. Just embrace me. Let it all unfold.
Tame the pain that boils insane and stand for me to hold.
Rise and run the race you won for I still can't believe
A world exists where you are missed in just the way we grieve.
Shell-shocked. Broken. Clutching tokens proving you were here.
Stretching skin that's wearing thin on hands that pull you near.
Unfair: a word that's too absurd to symbolize the hour.
The moment when your soul escaped and hope lost all its power.
Return. Confirm that love holds firm in proving it can't lose.
I won't submit. I can't acquit the demon of his ruse.
How dare he take it all from me and leave this life asunder?
Ripped apart by apathy of others, I sink under.
No one knew us. No one saw the bond that rubbed the moonlight raw.
The love we held, its flame too bright. The light that left the day in awe.
Hurtful, too were all the truths that you shared just with me.
In doing so, you hid such depth that no two eyes could see.
Memories of all the times your lips formed words that shone
Echo evermore within. Reverberations hone.
They whittle bit by aching bit into the home you dug.
The roots you planted in my heart consume me like a drug.
Ironic, maybe that the reckless torture I should mention
Was one more creature that you conquered, breaking all convention.
Pride is such an empty word compared to what I felt
When you became a woman who could stand where she had knelt.
So this I have: A picture of your ever-gorgeous face.
Lividity I hold cries, "Save the angel he disgraced."
I've nothing else but vestiges of all that we once built.
A laugh. A tear. A broken fear whose sword pierced to the hilt.
Destroying misconceptions that once drove you to protection
We found love among the ashes of rejection.
Thus grasping toward affection, we got lost in misdirection.
Vonda, truly, our bond matches your complexion.
Beauty lies where dreams won't die, and this we'll always cling to.
Sharing minds that defy time and complicate what they knew.
Standing, fighting, life-delighting, wonderful; you opened
Eyes unto a world that showed you you were not quite broken.
Some part of me wished wistfully that I might 'ere have listed
Lines that drew a complicated swath 'round what we'd twisted.
Fingers that beat perfectly in time with songs of meaning.
Singing long into the nights that screamed of fates convening.
No, I think I'll keep the truth that only you and I can know.
The tears I've spilled don't need to find a place for life to grow.
I'm terrified that I can't hold you, see you, catch a glance.
But I love you too much for death to ever have a chance.
Nov 5, 2012
Nov 5, 2012 at 4:44 AM UTC
To see the spark that died out quickly,
Then feel the hurt that flew in swiftly,
Brought the dawn's rays brisk and cold,
A feeling warmth should not behold.
You were the straw that broke my back,
It seems I chose the will to lack
A skill that's vital to survive, and thrive,
Indeed. I chose to die.
The strength of love becomes the sword
Of double edge, striking! I'm bored
Of chronic pain that will not leave.
Relentless, biting, lest I grieve.
For in the pangs I find the spark;
That light that leads me to the ark.
The source of joy I'm bound to seek
'Til lacerations cut less deep.
It's in this house that I call home
I find myself, there left alone.
Where I was left to stew in doubt,
Recalling all that you left out.
And though you seek what shan't be sought,
I've found the things that can't be bought.
The love you took for granted, too,
I shall bestow on all but you.
For all are far more fit than thee
To wrap and gift to me the key
To which I shall unveil the truth
Behind the smiles of photo booths
Attached to memories of the past,
Of all the things that couldn't last.
With that I promise you, my dear;
I shall move forward, without fear.
The tortures, fevers, cramps and burns
Recede as quickly as worlds turn.
And though their speed seems too slow still,
My love for you becomes my pill.
My drug, my therapy, my escape.
An unknown man, with mask and cape.
But known to thee, i stir and wake
From floating pyre, on ravaged lake,
To be the dormant man no more.
I'll look to you and find the cure.
Your hate runs deep, my heart stings deeper.
One day soon you'll be the sleeper
That I once was, insomniac.
Too late, I've gone. I won't come back.
You'll know that hurt, cur, feel this wrath.
Your stench of lies deserves this bath.
So have your cake, and eat it too.
Embrace the fraud you've grown into.
When your time comes for outright candor.
Where none are fooled by subtle slander.
Your good name shall be as mud.
Hypocrite. Liar. Cheat. You're ****
I detest the ease that my heart finds
To beat in time with my demise.
No longer shall I give to you
This core you sought to rip in two.
Indeed you won that battle, true.
This one last thing, I'll give to you:
The knowledge that I've made it back,
An anxious wolf among the pack,
But I've not stopped, I've passed the point
Where cipher's settle, and conjoint.
Normality is caustic still,
But scathing more, this truth shall ****
To abate the storm, I've readied the cure.
Darling, with finality, I love you no more.
Feb 24, 2011
Feb 24, 2011 at 7:21 AM UTC
You broke the flower, killed the bud.
You drowned my house among the flood.
You stole the glimpse I held inside,
When all at once I'd known you'd lied.
Much like a fool, I hold these dreams
That your return will stem these screams.
So tarry not, for I still seek
To stop these pangs that make me weak.
Though part of me can surely see
That this heartbreak means naught to thee,
Exist does not the force to quell
My wish to soon escape this hell.
The war that wages in my soul
Has wrought the deepest of all holes.
A crater's size would pale when seen
Adjacent to this wreck of being.
You've done more than efface my trust.
My strength of love could quell all lust.
Why, in your leaving did you force
My tender care to veil remorse?
It's true I hate what you've become.
You've turned lush forests into slums.
Yet still I can't placate and soothe
My unchecked will to still love you.
It's true, I always will, my dear.
However far away, I fear.
What scares me most about the cure?
I won't get better. This is sure.
I'll never satiate this thirst.
I wish you knew how bad this hurts.
I need your touch to which I'll wake.
Those better days, I cannot shake.
I'm done pretending, hate to lie.
I'm through with watching time go by.
Please do return to who you were.
No longer will I stand this blur.
That's all my life is at the present.
Please clarity, soak this lament.
I'm never getting over you,
And I don't want to. Sad, but true.
I want my life, return it now.
Why can't you hold onto the vow?
You promised you would never leave,
But here I am, and still I grieve.
This pain could ******* everything.
Of hardship, truly, I am king.
I'm sick of this, I'm through with hurt.
No longer shall blood soak my shirt.
My heart it pumps the poison lasting.
No longer shall I go on asking.
End this now, or i shall cease.
I can't endure your ruthless lease.
Release my heart from this ****** cage.
For now this pain turns into rage.
I wish for you to feel this pain
That time has not begun to wane.
If only briefly, you could feel
This unchecked hurt that pierces steel,
You'd know your fault, admit your flaws.
You'd cry. You'd suffer. You're the cause.
I always knew this wouldn't end.
If only love and hate could mend
Their savage ways, for both persist
To stake their claims and coexist
Within my body, no escape.
I see no roads beyond the gate.
I'm trapped inside my love for you.
Ironic, yes? Alas, it's true.
My dearest love, t'were this not so,
You'd feel the force of my heart's glow.
Forever wrapped within warm ardor.
'Tis sad that this is so much harder.
I loved you then. I love you now,
But pain is all I can allow.
My tears can't mask what's happened here.
I hate this, always, but I love you dear.
Feb 24, 2011
Feb 24, 2011 at 7:20 AM UTC
Beauty is the beating heart,
Love's first kiss, or sad depart.
A glimpse unto the soul within,
At our life's yearning to begin.
Beauty is your hand in mine,
Arm in arm, our love divine.
The laugh that forms behind the grin,
When tickling toes or nibbling chins.
Beauty is the way you touch,
The joy within that seems too much.
Forming words your heart beats true,
Beauty is my love for you.
Feb 24, 2011
Feb 24, 2011 at 7:19 AM UTC
I wish to now express to you
This feeling that my heart speaks true.
What's happened here is just and right,
Bestowing herculean might.
It seems but yesterday I saw
A beauty that left me in awe.
Like moth to flame I moved to see
And quell my curiosity.
I wish that you could know that joy
And hopes that I did then employ.
As they unfolded like a dream,
I could do naught but gaze and beam.
My smile never left my face,
And though I'd known my heart to race,
I let you know that though It'd run
This was the first time that It'd won.
And It was then I fell for you.
It felt too good that you did too.
But gracefully you swept me up.
My unkempt joy spilled from my cup.
From here we seemed to grow so fast,
All timid fear left in the past.
And you became a part of me,
A light that always brings me glee.
It seems I've known you all this time,
Though without reason, without rhyme.
I don't care that it makes no sense.
I'll fight against all false pretense.
For you're the sun that climbs and falls.
You're the voice that always calls
When I'm in need and cannot sleep.
This ambient fervor reaches deep.
You're so much more than my best friend,
Because together we transcend
Whatever problems we might face,
And still remain here in this space
That we have fought to call our own.
I'm proud to say this is my home.
Wherever you are, there I'll be,
And all shall now be called to see
It's in my heart that you reside.
Forever will you there abide.
I wish that words could mean much more.
To strength of writing I implore.
I wish for you to know this state.
I'm so sure now this is our fate.
Analogies don't quite assume
The roles I want them to presume.
It looks as if it's come to this.
I'm sorry if I seem remiss.
I cannot find another way
To speak what my heart begs to say.
So here it is, laid bare to see,
With all the strength inside of me.
Sweetheart, I love you. Always, true.
There's nothing I won't do for you.
For I would face the worst of life.
I'd tackle any fearful strife
If in the end, it meant you're here
For me to claim and hold me near.
Your warmth does things I can't relate.
No way could I articulate
My love for you, Its strength or will.
Even in death, I'll remain still,
Eternally yours, I'll always know;
Darling, I love you, unequivocally so.
Feb 24, 2011
Feb 24, 2011 at 7:18 AM UTC