lost the fight, lost track of everything i liked
disassociation baby it just went up and spiked
blank slate of glass in a dying world like
anything i was, no longer identify or feel inside
all the stormy lining of my stomach coincide
hell of an appetite, teeth on a mighty bite
stored in the gut in the belly, not quite
tons of fire, spice - torched up it tasted so nice
still say it too much, still scared all too much,
if i get it in the stomach i run like a ***** hide and such
fear rots my belly like i feel it too much
it's always been thus, lost track for a bunch,quit writing me much
now i’m quitting every other habit
and serving you lunch
Dec 17, 2020
Dec 17, 2020 at 12:17 AM UTC
three minute samples
a baby girl, you’ll have her
damn,know what's been
bothering me this whole time?
shoved myself away
a moment of crime
so easy to let go of the self
its like im not even mine
moments slip and fly
there's years of my life i can’t remember and why
really so asleep wishing death all the time
not really understanding death at all at the time
just a kid i was blind, it tore me inside
and ended up, well, nowhere in fact,
all of the moments in present reenact- imagine that
three minutes into something; forget,
once again to breathe- some other thought tore my eyes out
bore into yet another mindless pattern
to which i say, wholesome; that in my breath is contained,
effort & surrender, a goal at which to fling thyself
off every mountain to press the feet off (and jump)
wasn’t ever scared to turn the mouth off and jump
wasn’t ever any fear, that was my innocence and luck
if you fling yourself off from the mountain and jump, **** it
upwards spiral towards nothing
Nov 29, 2020
Nov 29, 2020 at 9:37 PM UTC
all paths lead to nowhere,
nowhere to hide,
nothing but the sprawling,
unnerving reality of time
it slips, silently, through the fingers
all moments, having passed,
unify and become one:
"the past"
Jul 6, 2020
Jul 6, 2020 at 1:50 AM UTC
if i could break my arms out through my chest
resist the urge to break instead
and let my mind be calmed by breath
and let the shouting silenced then
i see the ocean come and go,
observe the water as it floats
up to my sight, into my head
the hands go limp, the fingers dead
the motions come, its all been set,
a circle starts and ends, but when?
a thought is not a thought it seems
but rampant fire, perpetual screams
a stain that chases where i go,
on to-wards a darkened road
the darkened road, a dark now past
always dark, it always casts
a shadow it seems i have become
a shadow it seems i always was
Jul 6, 2020
Jul 6, 2020 at 1:28 AM UTC
i took a walk and brought only my thoughts
to go along with the stalks of trees
a speck, barely seen, vision caught
a bird flies up unto a branch
what bliss inside me, as i see
the ants, an orange spider crawls
they move unbothered, unlike me
a leaf catches my eyes, it falls
peace inside me, the sun filtered down
through the green, onto my skin
grey lepidoptera, too many to count
it brings a smile unto my chin
all the questions i could ask,
are then erased, when faced with thanks
Jul 4, 2020
Jul 4, 2020 at 9:48 PM UTC
SANGRE
walls within which i remember
onward forward, behind dawn
of which description eludes me
a first breath i don’t recall
rooms from then, distorted now
the fish eye lens was table tall
convex surface assimilates
i soak it in, engrossed in all
each and every vein of mine,
fueled and stoked, the patterns lined
new formed flesh, still unweaned
memories then, mistook as dreams
a room is set, the set´s a scene,
i witness then, unknowingly
the very fabric of my being
learned it then, and learned by seeing
fragments come, they hurry so
the actors speak in spoken code
nothings clean, it's all a mess
memories mix, froth & coalesce
memory? more like (i guess)
retrace the steps, revert, regress
in these rooms, to point and map
this was here and that was that
onward, forward, front to back
the space between my ears- a trap
the senses flare, they reenact
the murky water, the muddy past
to reach the end of the fog at last
strangers turn in blurry masks
to everything i became attached
perhaps a hand loosened its grasp...
a chain of mine, oh these veins of mine
two points in space meet and intertwine
three points in space becomes a spine
a crooked tree is what you get with nine
my body then, in the bath year ninth
to the future, then, bliss-fully blind
defined already, by fading time
on a spiral path, set to unwind
the circles i run in, and how to suffer
understanding myself- attempting with others
center, mine own, came from some other
i grew up and out from under you,- mother
witness me, as i unfold,
an open wound, come behold,
the rooms all speak the story told
my flesh of flesh is all exposed
the ego tears in shards of glass,
i clench the fist, i grab and grasp
the days they flew, everything's past
i didn’t notice, they hurried fast
blood that drips, it drips deep red
patterns learned, behavior spread
to run in circles, to point and gasp
“i” am this and “i” am that
the eye in my forehead is insight ahead
i be the tip of a very long thread,
white roots of this tree, deep under spread
i be the fruit, i am the blood that it bled
Jun 18, 2020
Jun 18, 2020 at 9:30 PM UTC
eyes get glazed over, haze bittersweet clover
set ablaze, citrus days covered in the overflowing odor
feels like now i’m twenty seven years and six months older
my mind will never go back, it has to deal with the exposure
thought i’d hit rock bottom didn’t know you can go lower
am i more or less depressed than i was when i was sober
you keep asking what i think, man i don’t even know her
i don’t keep ******* in my mind, i toss ******* over the shoulder
i kick a boot into a face, the face of mediocre , in a dream I lose my teeth
all but my ******* molars, had to take the smoke into my lungs to get the
rats out of my belly, no way to erase the memories, thats facts I try to bury
beware for I am fearless, and therefore I am powerful!
i’m also neurotic and delusional, i fill the hours with the usual,
smoke sedate ,throw my head back ain’t it beautiful,
turn to stone i am immovable, glad it ain’t my ****** funeral
do i enjoy turning off this brain? its irrefutable
Jun 18, 2020
Jun 18, 2020 at 9:25 PM UTC
03.24.19
I.
i could not stay awake not for another breath,
what with you pulling air so close to mine,
thoughts persistent, visions relentless
(to look around, to remember where you are)
do you know who you are (? )
scoffing somewhere, removed from me
were their eyes to fall upon me
she is omnipresent, all around me when i breathe-
gone from here
none of this feels familiar,
not the sheets not the shadows of the room,
the lights flicked off and i feel-
heat from your body over the moisture of mine
(i recognize none of it )
vividly i vision the seams of buildings
edges of avenues, bordered in cars and trees
bridges i crossed everyday; away
( anxious i self inflict, i gasp)
days stretch on like where are the lines ?
where are the spaces, from calendars to clockwork
saying when and how and who done it
to number time, confine the time, throttle-
with the windows always dark,
a blue sky in a frame on the kitchen wall,
could belong absolutely anywhere
and i recognize nothing, not the floor
not the ceiling where i lay, you besides me
all day and all night, i see distortion
(strange to accept and hard to believe )
9:57 pm
II.
strength of something torn from here,
paradoxical; gone and omnipresent
wrapped in this flesh of yours
however absent/// longways away from here
no word of yours or mine could be said
without grain from some other
fruitful tree; i see orchards !
they litter the sky
so much of this life is inescapable
10:09 pm
III.
were i to close my eyes i still perceive movement
limning of you behind my eyelids, aura
i catch the ghosts of wrinkles, were i to open my eyes
would be your arms; ( i need not open them)
i know by some imbued reflex that
we are kissing, i see it in my head between the ears
they melt together, i feel it in the stomach
not on the tongue where you are making a home
nothing exists but the place where we
reunite like a bird catching a fish in midair
movement once more, and know somehow
no semblance of time, no notion of time
then it is your tongue and your tongue only
which connects me to this earth for i am smoke;
liquid, i am nothing else
i am music then, somehow and by some miracle
you sing somewhere as well,
might i be the wind, only hyper aware of the way
i greet your body,
skin vaporized, my fingers pulverized
i settle like dust all around you
i could be anywhere
nothing but the fragment
of space/// time where you are here with me
a body that is separate and somehow
infinitely harmonized to mine
10:25 pm
IV.
i see who i was a month ago,
unrecognizable!
the path from here to there
has been erased like wind over sand
a tie has been severed,
to the other life,
she might as well have been killed
on a commute somewhere
11:48 pm
V.
at last, words slither out like animals
a burrow, a hole in the ground
they were buried, at last you dig graves, collect skeletons
(it is something you do at night)
one does wonder, what good is reached by
accumulating laughter; i have never laughed
as i do now
11:51 pm
--------------------------------------------------------
03.25.19
VI.
static whistles in the background
of an intermediate place
a place with no name
i think perhaps i am a furred leaf
for i grow roots around water ///
a rocket ship sends a message back where it came from
a planet formerly known as HOME:
[i am safe somewhere]
12:09 pm
03.28.219
VII.
i clean my mouth of it,
i purify that which has so clouded,
depths of the murky mind
i wash my hands of it
i dissipate fear
i eradicate guilt
i bathe my toes in a river
un-tethered from all
which has so consumed me
i breath into lungs
now drowned into action
a pull from my chest, over and onto
heaving gasps of fresh air-
somewhere between our hands,
dust settled:
( i let it gather)
truth speaks discomfort,
i **** paralysis!
fight or flight,
the third instinct, to freeze
may we be rid of it
may the mind be free from all
idle thought and hollow circuits
(a yellow bird flies onward,
a prayer... )
1:12 pm
Jun 15, 2020
Jun 15, 2020 at 3:54 PM UTC
tonight's the night, i learn to fly
in dreamful sleep, awake - alive
with purpose set, in my mind's eye
in little death, i taste the sky
pictures float, they hurry by
to barely grasp, a whisper sighs
my breath is mine, but "what" am "i"?
the universe, it dreamed up sight
tonight: tonight, again i die
the smaller death, seems death is shy
i breathe in deep, resistance dry
i hurry then, to taste the sky
May 15, 2020
May 15, 2020 at 12:59 AM UTC
don't ask me how i am i don't like that ******* question
you wouldn't know what to answer, you'll think its an aggression
i know its easier to just say fine, i never learn my lesson
if i could skip out on all the small talk, that would be a ******* blessing
seventeen to eighteen weeks, i slip again into depression
stupid hard to even talk about, too hard to even mention
watch me sleep for thirty weeks, in an attempt to kick the tension
once again all in my head, a maze made of perception
staring into the ******* mirror, and i don't see my own reflection
these fractals all over my face, span out into sucession
if we go back to two years ago, would you call that a regression?
he asked for *** then ghosted, i lost all of my affection
was that last line a confession? i was supposed to keep discretion
what with him having a girl for three years at the time of the "exception"
phoning me after months of silence to set up a ******* session
maniac depressed and taking pills, does that worsen the transgression
did you know i wouldn't refuse and in fact wouldn't even question?
well they seem pretty happy now, they can have my ******* blessing
ask for *** then ghost me, after twelve years of ******* friendship
everything is dancing and i dip my ******* pen tip
i don't have much of an incentive, to be ******* inauthentic
mostly i'm just trynna cope, so i segment it and dissect it
to trace over the wound, twelve years of something friendship
all things must end and die, i don't presume to prevent it
Apr 30, 2020
Apr 30, 2020 at 10:13 PM UTC