"I was the only one who never tried to change you"
words from my Babushka from across the small kitchen
the smell of salt Baltic air and fresh baked goods from the shop down the quiet street filled with soviet style block apartments.
In my childhood and in my adolescence, there were those who said "that girl needs to be broken in"
shes too brash too uncompromising too unmalleable
I wrap my fingers around my mug of instant coffee, the acidity colliding with the sweetness of the cinnamon pastry still on my tongue
I thought how lucky am I to have just one person who took me simply as I am
Sep 1, 2024
Sep 1, 2024 at 11:26 PM UTC
I lived on an easel that stood on its own
a canvas untouched by impatient hands that sought to take and take
you took the brush out of my hand and drew me as you saw fit
I lost the energy to keep jumping off your canvas
so you finally trapped me with a frame and nailed me to your wall
I never liked how you painted me yet I'm still here, hanging.
Sep 1, 2024
Sep 1, 2024 at 11:15 PM UTC
The bathtub faucet has been running all night
Bubbles on the surface edging closer to the rim
I want to stand there, just watching the water run
Over the lip, onto the cold tiles
and soak into the rug at the foot of the toilet
Pool into the wells of the grout
and slink under the crack in the door
I want to dance and laugh and splash in it
Pull on my rain boots and feel like I’m 5 again
Forget the years I’ve spent using a kitchen rag to absorb an ocean
Drying the tides as they lap against the shore and back
It was always futile, I’ve retired from trying.
Oct 16, 2023
Oct 16, 2023 at 11:12 PM UTC
I’ve only ever known dangerous love
Not the love where you feel naked- soft, light comfortable
But love where you feel naked- vulnerable, targeted, caught in headlights
It’s where you’re pulled to place your hand on the hot stove
Step onto the tracks while the train whistle wails
Jump off the edge while the wind rips through your clothes and hair
I wanted endless thrill and torture
With gritted teeth I made crescent shaped cuts in my palms with my nails
And wished I could want a softer love
Nov 18, 2022
Nov 18, 2022 at 3:56 PM UTC
I give a love that feels like gambling at the casino
You take your risks, play the slots, roll the dice with me
And on the chance that I let you in,
Thoughts of you will consume me, enwrap me
Difficult to understand, difficult to know deeply
The odds of success with me would make a reasonable person cut their losses and go home
So I surround myself with risk-takers
It makes finding someone to love me back that much harder
But that much more gratifying
Oct 25, 2022
Oct 25, 2022 at 3:29 PM UTC
regrets curl up through my gut
like vines of ivy and it makes me feel
like I’ve been wrung out and hung up to dry
envisioning alternate realities
where i could take back my choices
just play-dough that I could twist and shape
into my ideal version of the past
Oct 20, 2022
Oct 20, 2022 at 1:34 PM UTC
No matter how I contort
and perform and stretch
and dance for you
criticism is first to escape your lips.
Always swallowing your praise,
As if being great is my everyday expectation
you could crush me like a bug underneath your ego and your pride
Oct 20, 2022
Oct 20, 2022 at 1:33 PM UTC
I wonder sometimes if we’ve been playing tug of war
I’ve been pulling our collective weight for so long
You make me think I’m winning,
you let me take a breath
Not a minute goes by and I’m already lunging forward
I’ve had to learn to put up my defenses
Learn to strike when you’re weakest
And I know you’re testing your strength
Trying to catch me when I’ve exhausted my options
Oct 20, 2022
Oct 20, 2022 at 1:32 PM UTC
I’m just the lightning rod atop someone else’s home
I’m made to absorb the shock
To comfort and protect in the storm
But when not necessary I sit forgotten
And rust in unfavorable weather
Oct 20, 2022
Oct 20, 2022 at 1:31 PM UTC
You are a force of nature
You have taken me through continents
Tasted cuisines, walked terrains
On your skin is a map of where we’ve been
A blueprint of our experiences
Tracing your birthmarks, constellations
You carried me but I never thanked you enough
Or loved you enough
Not the way you deserved
Oct 20, 2022
Oct 20, 2022 at 1:31 PM UTC