I’m a mirror
Falling off the
Wall
Crashing into
A million pieces.
I tried putting myself
Back together
But I don’t
Recognize who
I see anymore.
I’m disfigured,
I don’t recognize the
Person staring back at me,
The person I’ve
Become.
I’m a pane
Of glass falling
From the 20th
Floor
Crashing down below.
I’m a million
Pieces of sharp
Edges
Cutting whoever
Tries to get close.
I cut whoever
Tries to help
Me
Because I’m
Broken.
My life’s not perfect,
I’m hurting
From within,
My heart is crying
With every beat.
I don’t know what
To do because
My mind
Is clouded by
Thoughts and emotions.
Negativity hover over
Me like vultures
Over meat in the
Desert
Ominously, hungry.
I’m a picture that
A child knocks off
The mantle
Cracking the glass
Into a million pieces.
I try to pick myself
Up but the pieces
Are too tiny
And sharp
That they cuts so deep.
With every breath I take,
The pieces pierce
My heart
And I keep on
Bleeding.
I’m fragile,
Handle with care,
But it’s too late
For that because
I’m already broken.
Nov 1, 2019
Nov 1, 2019 at 8:51 PM UTC
My little ray of sunshine,
You being nothing but joy
And laughter to my life.
You bring warmth to my heart.
Every time you smile,
I can’t help but smile.
Every time your laugh,
I can’t help but laugh more.
Your cute, soft voice saying
“Bless you, Uncle David!”
When I sneezed that one time
Still echoes when I need a smile.
Your infectious giggles as
I tickle your belly or your toes
Makes me giggle like a schoolgirl
At a Hello Kitty store or seeing K-pop.
Your little smile, from ear to ear,
Showing your little, baby teeth
Brings smile to my smile
Even in my darkest of times.
Watching you do the “Baby Shark”
Dance last Thanksgiving brought
Endless smiles and laughter and
I watch it every time I can’t go on.
When I hear that you tell your class
That “my Uncle David’s gonna be a
Doctor”
I choke up and tears flow down my face.
I think of you during my darkest times
When I have my depressive phases and
Suicidal thoughts
Because I wanna make you proud
To have me as your Uncle David,
To see you smile and hear you laugh
More than I do now,
To hear you tell me someday
“I’m proud of you, Uncle David.
I’m proud to call you my uncle.
You’re my inspiration, role model.
I wanna be you when I grow up.”
Seeing you grow up in pictures
Make me miss you more and more
But I bust my *** every day and night
To make sure you can tell your class
“My Uncle David is a doctor!”
I watch your pictures and videos
And I tear and cry because you’re
Growing so fast before my eyes.
Charlotte Harper,
Thank you for being my ray of
Sunshine and for bringing me
Smile and laughter.
Thank you for being my reason
To wake up every morning and
Sleeping every night.
I’m here for you, Charlotte Harper
My big ray of sunshine.
Oct 29, 2019
Oct 29, 2019 at 10:37 PM UTC
You try to push me down
You try to push me around
But I dug my roots in and
I held my firmly held my ground.
When the harsh winters glistened
My body with snow and frost,
My heart and soul, and the embrace
Of my friends and family blanket me
With warmth, love and happiness
And all the frost and ice that I felt
Just melt away and I’m left with
A fire burning in my heart and soul,
A raging fire that never goes out
No matter much negativity that’s
Running through my head like
Rumors spreading in high school.
You pour endless amount of rain
On me and my life trying to drown
Me knowing that I can neither swim
Nor float but I made it though
The torrential downpour because
My friends and family are there with
A life raft guiding me along the way
Like tugboats guiding ships.
You try to blow me down with
Your powerful winds and
Every time I tumble and fall
I get back up and stand taller.
I was your personal punching bag
And I took your punches like a man
But your strikes hit me deeper in my
Heart and I cry every time it beats.
But unbeknownst to you,
With every punch you toughened my
Skin and formed callouses
And I stand tougher than before.
You think I became less of a man
Than I think I really am because
You thought you broke me
With every abuse you threw my way.
You think I’ll become less of a man
Than I think I can become because
My mind is already ****** up and
My heart broken with your words.
You think you have me in your grasp,
That you have me under your control
But still I rise.
Still I rise.
Oct 29, 2019
Oct 29, 2019 at 10:20 AM UTC
Crashing and burning
I feel my whole world,
My whole life falling down.
Everything around me
Is falling apart and
I’m falling in slow motion
Into the fiery pits of hell
To spend eternity with
My demons as they snicker
With joy and excitement.
I thought that was the end,
My demons have won.
But with every passing second,
I begin to and I will rise up
Slowly but surely, because
It’s a long journey to return
To where I was before all
This crap even started but
I know that I’ll get there
Eventually with the love and
Support of my friends and family.
Through the ashes of my
Past mistakes and battles,
I will rise up like the Phoenix
Higher than before above
My demons and I’ll shock
The world and myself by
Becoming the person I was
Meant to be,
Created by the hands of God
For I am stronger than
My past, my mistakes, and
Who I thought I couldn’t be.
I may have fallen numerous
Times in the past,
I may have felt like given up,
I may have wanted to say
Good night
To my friends and family
Forever for I can’t go on anymore.
I may have closed the curtains
On my life,
But still I rise like the Phoenix.
Still I rise.
Oct 28, 2019
Oct 28, 2019 at 7:21 PM UTC
Let me tell you about
My fam —
No names needed;
Y’all know who you are.
They keep me straight
On my path that
God intended me to travel
On to achieve my goal
Of being the best man
That I can be without
Any regrets or questions
Of what ifs and maybes.
They keep me grounded
And make sure that I sway
With the punches that life
Throws at me every second.
They guide me through rough
Ocean tides and into and outta
Ports like little tugboats guiding
Ships like dogs on leashes.
They pick my *** up off
The ground every time I fall
And dust me off and they send
Me off with a hug and a kiss
And they say “go get ‘em kiddo”
With a smile because they know
That I can do whatever I want
If I just put my heart and soul into it
Because I’m capable of so much
More than what my mind tells me.
My heart and soul cry with every
Kind word, words of love and support
Because I know my fam means
Nothing but the best for me and
My life and they want to see me
Grow as a man because we’re fam.
Have a seat
And gather around,
Let me tell me
About my fam.
They’re the best thing that
Happened to me and my life
Because I don’t know where
I’d be right now without them.
Oct 27, 2019
Oct 27, 2019 at 6:37 PM UTC
Keep holding on,
Keep moving forward
I just wanna let you know
That I’m proud.
You’ve been through hell
And back many times,
And you’ve battled so many
Demons.
You’ve been stuck in an
Endless nightmare for too long
And clouds of negativity
Hovering over you
Like vultures over meat
In the desert ominously
With thoughts of self harm
Surprising you at every corner.
You were stuck in a dark,
Empty room inside your head
That was too loud for you
To think, to live, to love yourself.
But you held on,
Your heart tuned the voices out
And you stayed fighting for
What you’ve believed in.
You never gave up
When time got so tough
That you wanted to throw
In the towel and walk away.
You stayed with me,
When you felt like you can’t
Go on since nothing has gone
The way you wanted them to go
But you never doubted yourself
Even though it felt like you did,
You heard my voice as I tell you
That you can do whatever you want
Because you’re so much more
Than you think you are and
Capable of so much more
Than you can imagine.
You’ve gone through hell
And back so many times
But you held on for the ride,
You closed your eyes,
And you tuned the voices
In your head and in your heart out.
You’re gonna be great and
You’re gonna do great things.
I just wanna let you know that
I’m never gonna let you go;
I just wanna let you know that
I’m proud.
Oct 27, 2019
Oct 27, 2019 at 4:45 PM UTC
I stare at you
Every morning
As I wonder
If it’s worth
Getting ready.
I stare at you
Every night
As I question
Myself why
I’m even here.
You embody everything
That is negative —
The feelings of helplessness,
Hopelessness, worthlessness
And thoughts of self harm.
Every time I see you
My chest tightens
And my heart is heavy,
And I feel like someone
Left the faucet on
As the tears form in my
Eyes and as they flow
Down my face and
I can taste the pain
That you’ve brought
To me and into my life —
All the missed events
With friends and family,
The precious seconds
That I could’ve spent
By myself,
Improving my sense of
Self worth and what I
Can bring to society and
Most importantly to myself.
But instead I stand there
Looking into your dark,
Black, empty eyes as
You stare back at me
And I feel my soul being
Taken out of my body
And my heart being twisted
By your dark, cold hands
With your nails digging
Deeper and deeper until I bleed.
You shove my head into
The toilet bowl like back
In high school until I gasp
For air every time I come up
And I suffocate with
Every breath because the
Air I breathe in is the same
Air that your breathe out
And it’s toxic and poisonous
Like the air our great grandfathers
Breathed back in World War I
Mustard gas they called it.
I call it by another name
But they have the same
Effects and I call it Life.
You stare at me with your
Cold eyes and I can feel
My heart, my soul let out
An endless cry as you plunge
The knife deeper and deeper.
You whisper into my ears
That I should say good bye
To the world forever because
My friends and family are better
Off without me.
You snicker loudly as I hold
The knife against my wrists
Shaking with fear and regret
With tears flowing my cheeks
And I cowardly make shallow
Cuts until I begin to bleed
But then I stopped myself
Because I realized who you are,
I recognized the face staring back
At me as I stare at you.
You copy everything I do,
Every move I make,
Every word I speak
And every thought I think
You are my reflection.
Oct 26, 2019
Oct 26, 2019 at 5:55 PM UTC
Dear life,
Can we start over?
Let’s go back to the beginning
Before this **** ever happened?
Before my life became an
Endless rollercoaster
Before I’m constantly
Walking in a pit of quick sand.
Let’s start over
And go back to the time
When I’m never “tired”
Every...single...fucking...day.
Before I needed IV black coffee
Before I needed IV fluids
Constantly because I’m tired
Physically, emotionally, mentally
Before all these feelings of
Hopelessness, helplessness
Worthlessness
Consumed my heart every day
Before all the thoughts of
Su...
Sui...
Calling it a night
Before all the thoughts of
Saying good night forever
Before I put my hands up
And throw the towel in
Because I’m tired of life
I’m fed up,
I’m overwhelmed,
And I’m over it.
We’re through...
Our relationship is over...
It’s not me...
It’s definitely you.
Can we start over life?
And go back to where
Every thing was simple again?
Where I was smiling and
Laughing more often than now?
Where nothing in the world can
Bring me down mentally, emotionally,
Because I’m in my safe, happy place.
Can we go back to where
Life was simpler, easier than it is now
Where I had no worries or concerns
And I just live for the moments?
Dear life,
Can we pretend that none
Of this ever happened
And start over?
Oct 23, 2019
Oct 23, 2019 at 10:13 PM UTC
I see you every time
I close my eyes
And I can’t seem to
Get you outta my mind.
The constant flow of tears
Down my cheeks and the
Tears forming in my eyes
Year after year reminds me
Of all the pain you’ve
Brought me
And all the pain
I’ve brought to myself
Trying to deal with
Your ******** but
No matter how hard I try
You’re stuck in my mind
Like duct tape and
Every time I try to peel
You off smoothly
You cut deeper until
I bleed more like
A child picking at
His scab over
And over again
Even though his mom tells
Him to stop every time but
He keeps doing it because
It annoys the hell outta him
And picking at the scab
Makes the itchiness go away
For only a second and then
The itchiness, the urge comes back
And you can’t help but
Scratch it again until
It bleeds again and until
You need to scratch it again.
You are my heart’s scab that
Annoys the hell outta me and
I can’t help but scratch it and
Pick at it until my heart bleeds
Oct 23, 2019
Oct 23, 2019 at 8:21 AM UTC
Thoughts racing like F1,
Heart melting like ice cream
On a hot summer afternoon,
Mind overwhelmed like
A first kiss.
Thoughts of hopeless,
Helplessness,
Worthlessness
Racing through my head
And all I can say is...
I’m...
Fine.
I’m fine.
I don’t know what else
To say.
My heart’s pounding outta
My chest,
Tears filling my eyes
And flowing down my face
And all I can say is...
I’m...
Fine.
I’m fine.
I’m *******
Fine.
Staring blanking ahead
As everyone and everything
Speed past me
As I struggle to just
Get by.
I’m struggling every second
Just to understand why
I’m even here this very second
Because deep down I know
I’ll never survive alone because
I’m...
Fine?
I’m fine?
Am I really fine?
**** that.
I tell my friends and family
That I’m “fine”
But deep down in my heart
And in my soul
I’m crying.
I’m drowning every second
And I can’t even swim
With raw emotions and thoughts
Of nothing by negativity
That I throw my hands up
And say I’m done with this ****
I tell y’all that I’m fine
But I’m screaming at
The top of my lungs
Someone save me!
Someone ******* save me
From this endless nightmare
That is taking control of me
Emotionally, mentally,
Socially.
My life is a giant pit of
Quicksand
And no matter how hard
I try to fight it and escape
I sink deeper and deeper
Until I can’t breathe anymore
And I suffocate by all my raw
Emotions and thoughts
And with every gasp of air
I shout in my head “save me!”
Sep 26, 2019
Sep 26, 2019 at 9:43 AM UTC