dandyb - Hello Poetry

He pointed at the curve where my mass should be. The skinny line wherein the whole of my being should fit-- based on what a man in a lab coat said once. He dashed a tiny spec above it, where I was. Out of line. Not fitting in. Against the rules. I counted the tiny squares that separated me from my belonging... … one... two... three... Three squares from worthiness. Three squares wrong. Three squares from deserving love. Three squares from good enough. I stared at that dot a man drew for me and discovered brokenness. I was five.

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May 16, 2020

May 16, 2020 at 3:21 AM UTC

Pediatrics

He pointed at the curve where my mass should be. The skinny line wherein the whole of my being should fit-- based on what a man in a lab coat said once. He dashed a tiny spec above it, where I was. Out of line. Not fitting in. Against the rules. I counted the tiny squares that separated me from my belonging... … one... two... three... Three squares from worthiness. Three squares wrong. Three squares from deserving love. Three squares from good enough. I stared at that dot a man drew for me and discovered brokenness. I was five.

15

She contemplated waking up before the rain In the hopes of feeling something-- Something other than dreary dreadful dread. Maybe that sounds childish And maybe, just maybe, that's okay.

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May 19, 2018

May 19, 2018 at 10:08 PM UTC

Dread

She contemplated waking up before the rain In the hopes of feeling something-- Something other than dreary dreadful dread. Maybe that sounds childish And maybe, just maybe, that's okay.

5

You feel your chest heave But breath does not enter your lungs. As air flows around your balloons and into to your stomach, your lungs scream for your gut to share. Your windpipe feels like less of a pipe and more of a plug-- blocking the life force from entering, quickening your heartbeat. All because it's 8:13, which means: two hours until sleep two hours to fill I need to shower, still, two full hours two free hours work tomorrow but first, two whole hours to do... what? Shower, right. Two hours. Only two hours. Gotta make 'em count! But how? Two hours to fill I need to shower still two full hours two free hours Nervousness, why? Abstract, human-constructed time. Two whole hours still Only two hours to fill.

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Oct 31, 2017

Oct 31, 2017 at 8:27 PM UTC

Two Hours

You feel your chest heave But breath does not enter your lungs. As air flows around your balloons and into to your stomach, your lungs scream for your gut to share. Your windpipe feels like less of a pipe and more of a plug-- blocking the life force from entering, quickening your heartbeat. All because it's 8:13, which means: two hours until sleep two hours to fill I need to shower, still, two full hours two free hours work tomorrow but first, two whole hours to do... what? Shower, right. Two hours. Only two hours. Gotta make 'em count! But how? Two hours to fill I need to shower still two full hours two free hours Nervousness, why? Abstract, human-constructed time. Two whole hours still Only two hours to fill.

33

There has to be a reason. There has to be a reason for all this suffering, All this pain. What is it all for? I hope. I hope to turn my heartache into art. I could. I could help someone, anyone, with my story. I need. I need to turn this around To make it worth it. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure.... It never. It never ends. Why? What for? There has to be a reason. I hope-- I could-- I need.

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Jul 21, 2016

Jul 21, 2016 at 2:13 AM UTC

Hope / Could / Need

There has to be a reason. There has to be a reason for all this suffering, All this pain. What is it all for? I hope. I hope to turn my heartache into art. I could. I could help someone, anyone, with my story. I need. I need to turn this around To make it worth it. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure.... It never. It never ends. Why? What for? There has to be a reason. I hope-- I could-- I need.

21

With a veiled promise of relief Her young, trusting mind: 'Yes, anything, please!' But it's not approved for kids. But the doctor says it's fine. She'd try anything to quiet her racing mind. As the years fly by, Her mind's still not at ease, But she continues to take That oval blue and green. Slowly-- so slowly, She almost didn't see-- Slowly, her communication Isn't so free. She knows what she wants to say, But when she starts to speak it The right words just fly away. She's not dumb-- The words are all there, At the tip of her tongue. But then, suddenly, they aren't. Slowly, But surely, But suddenly. She fumbles. She finds them. She dusts herself off. She yearns to turn back time And warn that young, trusting mind.

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Jan 31, 2016

Jan 31, 2016 at 2:01 AM UTC

Slowly, but Suddenly

With a veiled promise of relief Her young, trusting mind: 'Yes, anything, please!' But it's not approved for kids. But the doctor says it's fine. She'd try anything to quiet her racing mind. As the years fly by, Her mind's still not at ease, But she continues to take That oval blue and green. Slowly-- so slowly, She almost didn't see-- Slowly, her communication Isn't so free. She knows what she wants to say, But when she starts to speak it The right words just fly away. She's not dumb-- The words are all there, At the tip of her tongue. But then, suddenly, they aren't. Slowly, But surely, But suddenly. She fumbles. She finds them. She dusts herself off. She yearns to turn back time And warn that young, trusting mind.

29

I hand-over my heart Wrap it up in every single thing I do For it all to come to a screeching halt Over a few hours... of a few days... of a whole year Of sweat blood and tears. All I have left to show: A few extra pennies A fuller resume Warm memories of inspired children Cold memories of anger and spite A tepid heart searching for the light

0

Nov 3, 2014

Nov 3, 2014 at 3:27 PM UTC

Fired

I hand-over my heart Wrap it up in every single thing I do For it all to come to a screeching halt Over a few hours... of a few days... of a whole year Of sweat blood and tears. All I have left to show: A few extra pennies A fuller resume Warm memories of inspired children Cold memories of anger and spite A tepid heart searching for the light

11

The air was ****** from my lungs. I cried and cried and couldn't let-up. These tears were different-- They brought no release. A pain so profound I felt it in my chest, in my head. My body weakened, I couldn't move from my bed. I wanted desperately to go back to sleep And for all of this to be another awful dream. Years ago I cried for you, Today I cry for me. For I know you're in a better place, But I'm stuck here And in my heart a you-shaped hole remains. I wish the world was blessed enough to know you. I miss you every day. I'll never stop missing you, loving you... So I cry today.

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Aug 14, 2014

Aug 14, 2014 at 12:08 AM UTC

Cry Today

The air was ****** from my lungs. I cried and cried and couldn't let-up. These tears were different-- They brought no release. A pain so profound I felt it in my chest, in my head. My body weakened, I couldn't move from my bed. I wanted desperately to go back to sleep And for all of this to be another awful dream. Years ago I cried for you, Today I cry for me. For I know you're in a better place, But I'm stuck here And in my heart a you-shaped hole remains. I wish the world was blessed enough to know you. I miss you every day. I'll never stop missing you, loving you... So I cry today.

19

I was a child of the river. Always living within walking distance of the restless water, the uneasy docks, and the anchors that kept the boats steady. Even as the current smacked against the starboars, the sailboats would waiver but never fall. I admired their tenacity. A child of the river: strong but restless; the anchor and the starboard; a suburban sadness-- a yearning for something beyond the river, but too weighed down to sail. A child of the river, stuck in a stagnant town.

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Aug 5, 2014

Aug 5, 2014 at 12:31 AM UTC

River Child

I was a child of the river. Always living within walking distance of the restless water, the uneasy docks, and the anchors that kept the boats steady. Even as the current smacked against the starboars, the sailboats would waiver but never fall. I admired their tenacity. A child of the river: strong but restless; the anchor and the starboard; a suburban sadness-- a yearning for something beyond the river, but too weighed down to sail. A child of the river, stuck in a stagnant town.

1

They tell me to write. I put pen to paper, fingers to keys. But what I write nobody reads-- it's unfinished, private. I publish anonymously so only strangers can see the thoughts inside of me. I am wrapped in my head.

0

Mar 26, 2014

Mar 26, 2014 at 12:37 AM UTC

Write

They tell me to write. I put pen to paper, fingers to keys. But what I write nobody reads-- it's unfinished, private. I publish anonymously so only strangers can see the thoughts inside of me. I am wrapped in my head.

10

The doctor says it will help, So you take a pill. Sixteen years down the line, You're still taking the pill. You're not sure what's the medicine and what's you. You feel as if you're living a lie, So you set the pills aside. Then, your head spins 'round You don't know up from down. Your stomach does gymnastics While you stay groggy and weak. By the third day, you can hardly speak, And you cry at the drop of a hat. A hightened sensitivity, lessened awareness-- Everything is a blur, Clouded by emotion, anxiety, and fear. No one told me I would end up here. So I take a pill The doctor says it will help... And maybe one day it will.

0

Feb 26, 2014

Feb 26, 2014 at 3:01 AM UTC

Pill

The doctor says it will help, So you take a pill. Sixteen years down the line, You're still taking the pill. You're not sure what's the medicine and what's you. You feel as if you're living a lie, So you set the pills aside. Then, your head spins 'round You don't know up from down. Your stomach does gymnastics While you stay groggy and weak. By the third day, you can hardly speak, And you cry at the drop of a hat. A hightened sensitivity, lessened awareness-- Everything is a blur, Clouded by emotion, anxiety, and fear. No one told me I would end up here. So I take a pill The doctor says it will help... And maybe one day it will.

20