my beautiful body is killing me,
it longs to seek no rest.
even without weighing myself
every hour is a moral test.
do i even want to be here?
could i be here and just be me?
but every minute is an endless sea
reminding me that i'm never free.
most days i feel like i was never meant to be
because my beautiful body is killing me.
my beautiful body is killing me,
it keeps me as cold as ice.
i no longer feel my fingers from the moment i arise.
and even when i want to eat,
looking at a plate of food usually suffices'.
and i don't want to be this way anymore,
i don't want to be alone.
i don't want to wonder for the rest of my life wondering what its like to have a home...
but no one holds me close enough anyways,
so alone is usually the best way to go.
when i fade away from everything i have ever known,
my beautiful body reassures me its okay -
that its probably better off to die this way.
that i was a failure when i was around them every day.
that i couldn't ever keep up with any game life ever tried to bestow to my name.
and its just better this way.
its just better this way.
my beautiful body calls so much attention,
but never any real recognition.
no true understanding of how strong a mission
it afflicted me with for total abolition.
to leave my mother with all of my favorite sweaters,
in an empty room with empty boxes,
packing away her daughters necklaces and lockets
and praying that it never ended up this way.
that her daughter could just come back one day.
that she had never become a spiritual stray.
that i had never become an apparition with no face, or no name.
my beautiful body is not beautiful,
it ravages me whole. every day that could of been happy
that anorexia stole. i can't help but face the reality that
i'm no longer on parole
i'm back in it again. and i don't want to be.
so don't call me beautiful please.
you just have no idea so you really can't see
how much of a waste of life i grew up to be.
Jan 22, 2025
Jan 22, 2025 at 3:58 PM UTC
what happens when you're forever stuck in a transitional phase?
where the hours to days to months and years of time
keep repeating,
where you live in loops while you wait
for something better to come
or better yet - to be something more,
to become something you've always wanted to be.
but your floors are still covered with things you used to love
and its getting harder to do your laundry every week
sometimes you don't want to be home anymore but you know you should;
there's no where else to truly go,
nothing like a home.
what happens when a signal
finally dies out?
does the receiving end ever stop to acknowledge
this loss of electrical power?
no more surging through the seams of life,
i stay stagnant without wanting to be.
Jan 20, 2025
Jan 20, 2025 at 2:31 PM UTC
in your world, i was always two steps behind,
dragging my feet to heartbeat of time,
praying to God for the days where you would finally
emotionally be Mine,
unanswered prayers without any signs.
in your world, love is equated to a dime
where you punch in at three then you're clocked out by nine
not another wasted moment or another spared rhyme
a lack of consideration to ease your guilty mind
and no accountability for the reality you brought to life
in your world, loving people is like sharpening knives.
in your world, it was always black and white
it was always my problem, i started the fights
but if you were honest there'd be no fight to be won
no sleepless nights or restless songs
of dreaming of escaping with somebody new
into their world where everything was true
or songs of wanting to fade away
into blackness, never to see another day
maybe you didn't mean it and i'll probably never know
because the world that you live in is discarded and thrown
so far into delusion i can't bear to keep up
one more moment of your failed attempts at trust.
because in your world, i was the solution
and also the problem, the one you kept choosing
i could never keep up with how much you were moving
between loving me then hating me then rendering me useless
and you never had to say it, although you did a couple times
because the hatred you had for me
was sown into your eyes
no amount of apologies i said ever changed
the feeling i may have given you that day
but i suffered the bigger picture and tried to rearrange
myself into a woman you could never dream to replace
now through my repairing heart i must face
how big a mistake that was one to make.
in your world you were happy
without someone there
and i made my way in without a care
i thought you wanted genuine love
to create something of life, like all people dream of
but i couldn't find the light in your eyes
the more i dug and the more i tried
i found more darkness than ever before
even my fingertips got bloodied and sore
from digging myself further into holes,
abandoning everything i had ever known,
your hidden opinions taking a toll on my soul.
when i left your world
i was a stranger
nothing different from the eminent danger
that lurked outside your comforting house
"an unattended woman, ready to pounce"
on another unsuspecting victim, yet you still can't see
the unsuspecting victim has always been me.
you chose to unravel the nature of 'We'
by intimacy with others, yet you still blame me.
Me. the girl who escaped your world,
who had loved you endlessly, who would constantly whirl
in emotions that you could never eat,
every attempt at your understanding was your personal defeat.
when i left your world
i took one last look at your bedroom when we'd come to meet;
detached all memories from my mind
wiped the slate entirely clean
and gave all of my love back to Me.
Dec 9, 2024
Dec 9, 2024 at 2:39 AM UTC
you can escape reality if you put your head down to sleep
but its not guarantied that you'll dream
nothing in life is truly as it seems
neither good nor bad, intertwined worlds in between
like a stranger on the street passing by who never stops to smile, never bats an eye
a sleepless guy, a losing battle
a girl he loves but he can't seem to handle
puffs of smoke & getting lost in cars
strangers hands & late night bars
lines of powder that make us feel love
or something close to it we can never touch
love is an illusion, love is a dream
loves going to k*ll you if you let it in
because no one stays the same yet nobody changes
interchanged in each other; let me look in your eyes
let me unpack my rage & disclose all my lies
let me become a sinner & a martyr in your life
and in your soft sweet embrace filled with emptiness & space
hold me & tell me you adore me
that there's no one worth more than me
that you can't even describe my beauty
that you don't only care about my ******
that you actually see my soul and you don't care when i act cold
because beneath it all you look through me
& you know me - because i know you
& we are reflections of one another,
lost souls wandering who dream in colour
do i leave you breathless? do i cross your mind? do you think i'm even worth your time?
i can't seem to understand why but there's a glowing light
at the end of the tunnel
that begs me to...try.
i know that loving me hurts,
hell, it hurts me too.
& it kills me inside to know that's what i do
i'm drowning down under a deep blue lagoon
& i'm swimming for the top, reaching towards your hand
its hard to breathe & its darker than night and the waters cold & my toes are numb but i know that i can't stop swimming up.
i need you to show me how to change,
i need to see a brighter light -
i'm tired - i know i shouldn't be
i'm young & have so much life ahead of me
but i don't know where i'm going
and all good moments are fleeting & rushing past me like cars on a never ending highway
120km an hour & thats how fast you'd drive only to find me
can you believe that i ever thought less of myself?
if there is good in bad & bad in good & perfection doesn't exist
it's a lie to say you didn't love me
it's a lie to say you weren't there
i recognize the pain in your eyes,
a fading image of my face, it will soon be over
& its best for your heart if you try to ignore it.
losing time under neon lights with accompanying thoughts of mine
a rainy night.
is it bad to say i want to hold your hand?
never mind *** tell me what makes you sad
tell me how disgusted you are with yourself when you act the way you do
i want to know every person in that diaphanous mind
i promise you my love is blind.
i'm lighting my second cigarette & losing track of time.
you're so special & ethereal
your love is sublime.
your voice echoes in my mind
let me give you my body,
my heart, my soul -
you inspire me to transcend to greatness.
Aug 24, 2021
Aug 24, 2021 at 7:46 PM UTC
i am so ******* tired
of acting like i know
what i'm doing.
i am trying,
but aimlessly wandering,
no direction in mind.
May 19, 2018
May 19, 2018 at 7:31 PM UTC
sometimes I still feel young
so small I could fit in someone's coat pocket,
become invisible or completely erased.
what is the point of taking on a world
where you know you are small-
you get no where. you feel nothing.
May 19, 2018
May 19, 2018 at 7:30 PM UTC
that always seems to be the problem -
one person is thinking about all the hurt while the other is thinking of all the love
and they somehow never think
to trade perspectives.
Aug 9, 2017
Aug 9, 2017 at 10:21 PM UTC
the platform lights outside my train
glaze the seats across from me with
a golden ambiance
that reminded me of the twinkle in your eye-
i can't seem to remember it anymore
for what it was set as in reality
but the reminder was nice
and so i hold onto it, an already-fading memory;
a lesson in change and understanding.
an ambiance of change and letting go.
Jul 10, 2017
Jul 10, 2017 at 11:19 PM UTC
its not easy to read the lines between wanting to find a solution and wanting it all to end. that's what no one will teach you. life is ******* hard and ******** happens every single day, to every one of us. our buttons are pushed, our faith is tested, and everything you desire or you're grateful for, its like a set of eight pins. life, whenever its ready, will take its shot and hope it gets all the strikes it can.
sometimes looking to the universe will help you, and other times it wont. and sometimes you wont realize quickly enough that at night, all the stars in the night sky will shine brightly and exquisitely for you, and for every other person on this planet, in their special own way. everything is yours and everything is not. and life is always ******* changing so if things get too difficult and too ****** remember there were moments when it was the complete opposite. those times are coming. i just don't know how to wait properly on those times.
what i've learnt is that life is a test. it gives you good things so you can realize what is good, what is fun, what is wanted and desired in your life. but it also gives you what is bad, what is horrible and painful and unbearable. and when it does this, its to remind you that things can go horribly wrong, extremely quickly. that's whats so horrible yet magnificent about life, it takes your eight pins and says **** it", and goes in for the **** or inspiration anyways. it changes on the flip of a coin, it changes on the flip of your emotions.
how to deal? i'm not quite sure anymore. i used to use positivity as a way to handle these strikes, to have a reason to think that things were going to soon once be okay. but life is always changing, so for now, we're not going to know. there are too many variables to think about when you're living, and we can't always see them all when we're in the moments of being alive. and we are not the universe. so breathe, and just stay sane. stay alive. and when life gets those strikes, and he's jumping around in the sky all happy and creating thunder, you'll feel small. and that small girl sitting in the biggest rainfall of the season is going to sit and think and just ******* smile. because nothing is going to get any better or any worse than this.
Jun 29, 2017
Jun 29, 2017 at 6:24 PM UTC
i lost you but
picked up my self-worth at
st. andrews station with
a wondrous smile
gave her a hug and
rejoiced at how this loss
was one worth losing.
Jun 29, 2017
Jun 29, 2017 at 12:47 AM UTC