Wish I could look at you.
Wish that these demons calling to me wouldn't be the last to see me.
They scream to me in a familiar voice, the one voice I'd wanna hear.
Yours.
But I know once I awake I'll see my greatest pain.
My biggest regret.
My deepest fear.
I'll see you in that revolving door once again.
When you decided I was no longer what you wanted
When you gave me everything then took it away when you left in silence that turned into a black memory crammed so far down the bottle I forgot it was even there.
You changed my world and plagued everything and everyone around.
Because every little thing you used to do calls to me asking me to remember, to see it once again.
And the birds in the freezer in my heart have become so still and quiet.
My pupils grow smaller and smaller every day because in my world that used to be so bright and full of life has become so dark and small.
And I can't come to terms with living in a world without us.
So I look-
I hear you.
I feel you.
I see you
Nov 27, 2021
Nov 27, 2021 at 7:57 PM UTC
loving you was like the split second when you die and are revived
i felt like i had nothing but matches and gasoline
i was nothing but an unfinished book that the author didn’t want to finish
when i met you everything changed
i had learned the peace of healing
i learned the grace of forgiveness
i became whole
the fire that once burn my brain with anxiety was finally calmed
it was like driving under a bridge in the rain
i felt excited and quiet for once in life
now you’re gone and so am i
i don’t remember how to heal without you so i’ll just wait until you come back through that door
i will wait until you remember what it felt like calm the storm
walk across the ocean back to me and tell me i am worthy of life again.
Nov 22, 2021
Nov 22, 2021 at 11:53 PM UTC
Whenever I die
I don’t want people to lie
And say I was nice
That wouldn’t be right
Tell them how I felt inside
How easy it was to make me cry
How I’d jump from guy to guy
That I wasn’t easy to love
And I rarely felt like I was enough
I believed in God above
But living it out was really rough
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
I could be mad and if you’d seen it
You’d know I say thing and not mean it
Tell so many lies that I’d believe it
Say I’d love them then I’d leave em
I never shared what was mine
And I wasted too much time
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
To the people I hurt I would apologize
Though I always thought I was right
I’d be crying and say I was fine
And I’d feel lonely most of the time
If it’s not too much to ask
Do me a favor one last time
Tell them who I am
Whenever I die
Sep 27, 2021
Sep 27, 2021 at 2:46 AM UTC
Its been so long I'm starting to wonder if I have anything left to say
Its been so long I have an entire new life but here I am again
Here I am running back to the same paper and pen
Running back to write about you.
Its been years. I'm wondering why I'm even thinking about it in the first place.
Maybe its because someone had asked me if I was okay, I said yes.
But what I should've said was I'm trying.
I'm trying. God knows I'm trying.
God knows I'm unraveling.
God knows I'm anxious.
I'm 22 now.
But truthfully I feel like I've been dead since 2014.
I feel like I'm in another person's body.
Just existing.
Because all I remember are the ways you made me feel alive and its killing me.
It's been killing me slowly like a cigarette.
And I keep coming back because I'm addicted because this is the only life I've known.
Eagerly inhaling your secondhand smoke.
I'm afraid I'll waste away like this.
I'm afraid I feel helpless.
I feel trapped in you.
I'm afraid.
Jan 21, 2020
Jan 21, 2020 at 11:48 PM UTC
Its like I speak but the words vanish like dust
Because it just goes in one ear and out the other
Just like you always seem to go in one door and out the other
And its like I'm buying your happiness
Because you smile at my expense
But you can never get enough so you take every ounce of love I have for you and spend it on messages you would never let me read
Its just hard because we built this relationship out of your lies and my mustard seed faith stopped growing but I still kept coming back.
And why?
Maybe its because the pain is a reminder that the love was real
It's a reminder that "we" once existed.
That the hour of happiness existed before you relapsed and I found out.
You injected me with your demons, they lived in the house you built in my veins.
The blood that was once a vivid red, stayed blue because the only oxygen that would hit it would be consumed by the breaths you shared with her.
I inhaled your inability to love anybody other than you. Your secondhand smoke clouded my vision and took over my brain.
You became my every movement and response and the thing keeping me alive.
You were my rehab.
Took my every addiction and made it you.
And I couldn't stop. I just kept injecting you. I kept breathing you.
Then you left.
And I looked in the mirror and saw that I had become who you are.
I had mimicked your every emotion, expression, and words.
And I was nowhere to be found.
Sep 29, 2018
Sep 29, 2018 at 11:24 PM UTC
Selfish.
The only word that could replace my name
Because I’m never happy for anyone.
Yes I might be there for someone when they’re sad but when it comes to someone’s happiness, I don’t care.
And maybe that’s why I’m so angry all the time.
Not because I wish to be as happy as other people
But because when it came to you I wasn’t that person.
I wanted you to be okay. Happy.
I would cross oceans and search atlases to find you when you needed me.
I wanted you to be happy.
Because if you were happy that made problems seem a little lighter. They would be absent, even if it was just for a second.
I even stopped writing because I didn’t remember what it felt like to hurt anymore.
You made me hate that me that never wished anyone the best.
I said I’d always love myself more than anyone. I’d always care about my problems more than anyone else’s.
But I knew you were suffering so I did the unthinkable. I went against my instincts.
I let you go.
Because my selfish, jealous heart only held love for you.
And I needed to see that smile again even if I wasn’t the reason for it.
And I hope you feel free.
Jan 16, 2018
Jan 16, 2018 at 1:39 AM UTC
I'm trying to remember the last time I thought of you without thinking of "goodbye"
Every day just screams your silence that will be with me for the rest of my life.
I know that this lifetime might not have anything left for us and I've come to terms with it like when they ask if you accept the terms and conditions.
And I don't. I just can't.
Because if I keep walking without you it's like every single day we spent together was just a past time.
But if I turn around I might never move on.
And I know in time you will find another who will erase your memories with me, but I hope when you hear "Chasing Cars" it'll bring you back to that rooftop.
I hope you never find the courage to stop loving me because I know I'll never stop loving you
And when those days come and you just want to be someone else, I hope that you will call.
And I hope in time you find the satisfaction of being free.
I hope you find time to remember who you are and visit our past self.
I hope you remember the music we made and the notes we cracked, and the word we butchered, and the feelings we hurt, and the moments we hated, and the sins we committed.
Remember me. And remember you.
May 30, 2016
May 30, 2016 at 1:27 AM UTC
I don't know how the spark went out
but it did
did I lose that brightness in my eyes
or was my love just never enough
Whether the fire was put out or just vanished
it doesn't matter
Cause it still went out.
May 2, 2016
May 2, 2016 at 5:00 PM UTC
I think I'm losing you, but I will never regret choosing you
Because I am in love, and for now that will be enough
And the ones around me convince me that I was the only person who was dumb enough to believe that you and I had hope.
But now I know even after you began to let your emotions slow the only reason I stood alone was because I was the only one who knew our love was never going to let go.
Everyone wanted me to see that we could not thrive, so gouge out my eyes.
Because if this is reality then I guess I'm not alive,
Because I don't know a life in where I can't make things right.
And when life teaches you to drive and you finally say goodbye
And you won't let me stand by your side
Ill know that though some feelings are hurt, none will have died.
Cause I used to stay up at night and picture myself looking into your eyes
Shouting as you would sigh “how dare you think you can fall asleep with water dripping from the kitchen sink, how dare you think you can fall asleep with all these little leaks in this home we built in our dreams”
A picture is worth a thousand words or whatever people say to me.
It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need,
And all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets.
A prayer that nothing will keep,
A hope that light will seek before the dark sinks too deep.
Or at least the sinking feeling inside of me will decrease when the release of perceived dreams burn in the flame of feeling free.
So feel free to be free if that's what you need.
And if someday you feel alone and everything caves in when you try to breathe,
Know that you are not alone as far as I can see,
Because you were everything to me.
Through this I have realized that if I were God we would have all just died,
Because darling you were mine and now I feel so dead inside,
And what good am I if all I can create is a projection of my own mind.
A dream of finding time to remind you that I'm still here and I'm not fine.
And darling if you're going to leave just remember who you are,
And do what you can to remember me.
Maybe someday we can talk about our past and we can talk about the weather.
Whenever you leave I don't care what I'm remembered for,
I just want to be remembered.
Because even if I failed you at least I tried,
And maybe our lives don't add up now but someday our graves will look the same when we both die.
And if I had a chance I'd give you one last kiss and I'd bite down on your lip
And I'd try to puncture it so you'll never forget that time,
But you'll always regret.
And darling I know sometimes life will take a turn for the worst,
And sometimes life will even hurt.
And I know some days, some days you'll be afraid of the lessons you'll have to learn
And some days you'll even feel burned,
And I want to let you know that I want to love you through them.
But I always get what I deserve.
Mar 29, 2016
Mar 29, 2016 at 10:14 PM UTC
I miss who I was before I met you. Before you were here I used to smile at seasons changing, now I dread the colder days.
2. I used to miss your laughter, now I miss the silence in my head. You once were my form of meditation, now I spend the days coloring because someone said it can be a type of therapy and Lord knows my therapist is tired of hearing the same story of a boy who keeps stealing my identity.
3. I miss you giving me the cold shoulder because I miss not being around you. I miss the days spent alone in my room reading novels so unrealistic but so desirable. Now I want nothing to do with anything because love is a four letter word and each letter stands for another reason that you couldn't stay.
4. I miss you before me. She loved you quite a bit.
5. I miss not writing about you. I used to stay afloat in my own but now I'm drowning in all the poetry that breaks me like your promises.
6. I miss waking without a reminder that I was never good enough and will never be good enough.
7. I miss my innocence. I reminisce on the times when I was oblivious to the evil in the world.
8. I miss belonging to myself. Because I know you're gone now but I still can't become my own. I can't get used to waking up alone.
9. I miss my laughter. The laughter you stole from me. I can't laugh at any jokes when my whole life has become one.
10. I miss the you before you became who you are now. You used to sing me to sleep and now you're the monster under my bed. You're the missed phone calls. You're the days spent at home alone. My mom asks me why I don't go out anymore, but she doesn't get it. I don't know why I'm surprised. I don't even get it.
Mar 15, 2016
Mar 15, 2016 at 3:46 PM UTC