After an accident, people always talk about how they are “lucky to be alive.” I’ve always felt the opposite. If I were lucky I would have been stuck down by some Godly force years ago, not missed death by mere inches. So I guess I’m praying for a new kind of miracle. A cancerous, twisted metal, kind of miracle.
As much as it seems like I want to die, I’m not completely suicidal. I’ve just embraced the reality of death much too soon. And I’d rather be a free soul than trapped in some rib cage. There’s a difference between wanting to die and living apathetically.
I’m impatiently awaiting my expiration date. As it inches closer and closer I begin to lose my grip on my surroundings. I’m starting to worry that one day I’ll wake up and life will be indistinguishable from the dreams in which I fly. Fearing I may vault from the rooftops, only to come hurling downward. To become nothing more than another statistic.
I wake up and face the harsh reality that I am still living in a world without purpose and it hurts. It ******* hurts. I’m so tired of merely existing. If I can’t live to the fullest, give me death.
Aug 18, 2018
Aug 18, 2018 at 1:16 AM UTC
There will come a day when the pain will stop
And it will not be the day I die
It will come from a different source
Some place holy
Some place beautiful
Some place like the corners of your smile
Where I can hide away from my fears
And feel normal
In the Blue-green hue of your eyes
And the gentle flow of your hair between my fingers
I could stay there forever
Without worry
Or sorrow
The tap of your fingers on your pencil
Quake through my mind
Sending fissures through my heart
You’ve changed the landscape of my body
Goose bumps rise like mountains from the earth
When words fall from your lips
Into my soul
The voices in my head are quite around you,
And no one else.
But you didn’t feel the same
At first,
I thought things would be different this time
I’d be able to keep you
But I should’ve known
You were too good to be true
I’d never deserve you
You were absolute perfection
I fell for you at an accelerated velocity
It shouldn’t have happened
I had put up so many walls
Around my dying, broken heart
And you found a way in
You learned my secrets
You learned me
I told you all the ways that I had been broken
And you wanted to fix them
But all you did was reopen the cracks in my soul
I was torn to bits
My razors were no longer retired
The pills began to scream again.
You’ll never see the scars
Carving your name into my skin
I don’t want to burden you with the thoughts
That you were the cause of both
My joy
And distress
My hopes
And my relapse
You’ve changed me more than you will ever know
I almost wish we had never met
But then I would have never know true beauty
Or learned of how the sunrise
Mirrors the setting of a moon.
Looking back,
I wouldn’t change a thing
You came into my life for a reason
You may have taught me some lesson
That I have yet to realize
But I will soon understand
And for that,
I thank you.
For the pain,
The relief,
The yearning,
The realizations.
You are the worst,
Most beautiful thing,
That has ever come into my life.
You are an unknowing tormenter of my heart
You broke me,
Without even realizing it
I now hide behind the mask of a forced smile
And an insincere laugh
I put on a façade of happiness
For you
So that you will never know what you did to me
I will not taint your optimism
Know that you are a helper
And not a harmer
You have stopped the blade
More than you have ran it through my veins
You are someone that creates
Not destroys
I’m sorry for making you into a monster
And pillager of my hope.
When all I wanted
Was to make myself safe
In the corners of your smile.
Aug 12, 2018
Aug 12, 2018 at 9:37 PM UTC
Why does wanting you always have to be synonymous with not wanting myself?
It’s been days now and I still haven’t slept because my dreams are the only place you still exist.
And finding you there and not in the real world is too painful to relive each day.
But I’m getting tired now and I think I’ve found a way we can be together.
The doctor said they’d help me sleep so I’ll take them all tonight.
Soon I’ll be back in your arms without the rude awakening that morning brings.
Apr 17, 2018
Apr 17, 2018 at 1:45 AM UTC
My insides are on fire
For two reasons
I'm trying so hard to hold back the words I love you
But they keep coming back up
So I wash them back down with liquor and bleach
It eats my gut feeling that I should try again
Nothing helps anymore
I watch myself bleed apathetically
I tear an opening in my skin
And invite you back inside my heart
Instead you fight your way out
Destroying every wall I put up
I'm broken without you
Why can't you see that?
Why did I have to lose you?
I feel the second burn
As I swallow my pride
And a handful of pills
I write your name on every wall
So there is no question as to who has killed me
Aug 2, 2015
Aug 2, 2015 at 9:59 PM UTC
A constant rumble has found itself trapped in the back of your thoughts.
To you,
This is normal.
They've always been there,
The voices,
But now they're growing louder.
You can hear their words.
They can show you things.
Things no one can see
Things that aren't really there
And you listen
You follow his orders
He's the one in charge, right?
"Take the pills,
Grab the knife,
Bite the gun."
Do not question him.
The others become angry
They tell you what you really are.
"A waste,
A disappointment,
Useless."
And so you listen.
You're lead to the bathroom
Where the screams crack mirrors
And your ears will bleed.
"Taste gunpowder...
You will free them,
They will be happier."
One shot is heard.
Then a laugh.
He has won
Again.
And a new voice is heard in the crowd.
Mar 30, 2015
Mar 30, 2015 at 5:01 PM UTC
The darkness seeps back in through my neck,
It flows down along my spine,
Filling me with dread.
Drowning my soul in loathe and self-hate.
My lips gasp for air,
Screaming your name,
Begging for you to help me.
But you've long since forgotten the sound of my voice
And how it used to whisper "I love you"
All those cold nights spent talking about forever.
Yet this is how I will end.
I wasn't lying when I said I would love you for the rest of my life,
I just thought you'd still love me back.
The darkness flows over my body as I sink.
My final breath has been taken.
I release it like the cold breeze that nipped at our intertwined fingers.
Even the bubbles know how to leave me when I need them most.
They hit the surface,
I hit the bottom.
A few more seconds and I will be free.
With the courage only the dying have,
I inhale.
Flooding my lungs.
I close my eyes.
I am at rest.
The pain won't last much longer.
Then I am gone.
Feb 18, 2015
Feb 18, 2015 at 11:08 AM UTC
YOU SAW MY SCARS AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY DREAMT OF ADDING YOUR NAME
Feb 6, 2015
Feb 6, 2015 at 10:06 AM UTC
That first night I snuck out to see you, my knees were shaking. You asked if I was nervous. But I told you that I wasn't and it was just the night air causing me to shiver. But that was a lie. I was terrified. Nervous that I wasn't going to be good enough. But with that first kiss. I knew I was going to fall for you and I had no intention of stopping myself.
I didn't want to sleep that night because I feared that once my head hit the pillow I would wake up and it all would have been a dream. But it wasn't because we are alive and together in the morning. Now I dread my sleep. Because my dreams could never be as perfect as my reality.
Now I'm stuck laying up at night counting the hours since forever began. I am now in love with the most perfect being to ever walk the earth. And she is mine. All mine.
Oct 14, 2014
Oct 14, 2014 at 10:50 PM UTC
It’s a warmth
That wraps its self around my heart
Amplifying its beating against my ribs
No longer like they are a cage,
But the strings of the human instrument.
Playing a song no ear can interpret.
Unless it is held close
With arms blanketing.
Now surrounding my entire body
With the same warmth that enveloped my heart
You have brought peace
You have brought comfort
Sep 25, 2014
Sep 25, 2014 at 7:41 PM UTC
Some people write about whom they love.
And I too, fall among this group.
But I would much rather read to those I care for.
To read and read again
The words of poets much greater than I
To memorize lines and stanzas
The same way I memorized the taste of your breath
Back when we first kissed.
To let you hear my voice run over you
Like fingers from your neck, down along your spine.
Drenching your person in my love.
Aug 16, 2014
Aug 16, 2014 at 1:06 PM UTC