coffeemantra - Hello Poetry

I wake up in the morning, yet for it to be another day that I will see her cry I open up the curtains and the uninvited sun light comes in The day won't stop I get a cup of coffee as an understanding that we have I feed her lack of will, I fill it with caffeine 'Just another day, just another day' I whisper to her every night Somedays are harder than others, hosting her has become a part of who we are My body isn't mine, just a skin and bone suit, I am being hosted in

0

Feb 19, 2014

Feb 19, 2014 at 8:00 PM UTC

Her

I wake up in the morning, yet for it to be another day that I will see her cry I open up the curtains and the uninvited sun light comes in The day won't stop I get a cup of coffee as an understanding that we have I feed her lack of will, I fill it with caffeine 'Just another day, just another day' I whisper to her every night Somedays are harder than others, hosting her has become a part of who we are My body isn't mine, just a skin and bone suit, I am being hosted in

8

Her thoughts slipped through her mind as the razor slit through her veins Her faults and pains washed down with the water to the drain Her conscious seemed more vague as her life dangled from pint to pint My sister walked in 'I just need to..' Her sentence stopped midway by screams of exasperation The shower had turned into my accomplice The transparency of the water had turned into a host for my waste deep feelings My heart a beat away from death My brain a suicidal attempt from bliss

0

Feb 5, 2014

Feb 5, 2014 at 9:58 PM UTC

She slit her wrists and said goodbye,

Her thoughts slipped through her mind as the razor slit through her veins Her faults and pains washed down with the water to the drain Her conscious seemed more vague as her life dangled from pint to pint My sister walked in 'I just need to..' Her sentence stopped midway by screams of exasperation The shower had turned into my accomplice The transparency of the water had turned into a host for my waste deep feelings My heart a beat away from death My brain a suicidal attempt from bliss

8

Sparks so shut you can see through her eyes  The pains and smiles she’s gotten to have  Sometimes in the mornings I have to leave her behind  She’s forgotten how to open her eyes  I grab black grains and start the brew  She grabs her eyelashes encrusted from tears and the mascara she forgot to take off   The lack of sleep she goes through every night has her walking ghostly down the hall  The floor is trembling on her behalf  I walk close to her, almost as the shadow or the ashes she’s left behind  ‘There she goes again’ the walls whisper to me  My home goes on a riot with her presence  Her skin and eyes are opaque  They’ve forgotten what color is  Our feet ache and the intolerance for the cold pains our bones   My heart feels heavy, intertwined with the physical pain she makes me feel every morning and the broken emotions were able to remember at night  Sometimes I feel emptiness on the torso of my body, that’s when she leaves and I’m left on my own   Sometimes I cry to remember I had her  At least when I was sad I felt something more than blankness  I look in the mirror and see my crystallizing eyes ‘so this is how it feels like to be dead yet alive

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Feb 4, 2014

Feb 4, 2014 at 6:54 PM UTC

I'm split.

Sparks so shut you can see through her eyes  The pains and smiles she’s gotten to have  Sometimes in the mornings I have to leave her behind  She’s forgotten how to open her eyes  I grab black grains and start the brew  She grabs her eyelashes encrusted from tears and the mascara she forgot to take off   The lack of sleep she goes through every night has her walking ghostly down the hall  The floor is trembling on her behalf  I walk close to her, almost as the shadow or the ashes she’s left behind  ‘There she goes again’ the walls whisper to me  My home goes on a riot with her presence  Her skin and eyes are opaque  They’ve forgotten what color is  Our feet ache and the intolerance for the cold pains our bones   My heart feels heavy, intertwined with the physical pain she makes me feel every morning and the broken emotions were able to remember at night  Sometimes I feel emptiness on the torso of my body, that’s when she leaves and I’m left on my own   Sometimes I cry to remember I had her  At least when I was sad I felt something more than blankness  I look in the mirror and see my crystallizing eyes ‘so this is how it feels like to be dead yet alive

18

In my life I’ve learned that it is possible to love two—three things at the same time with the same intensity, such as I love coffee as much as I love books as I love cigarettes in the morning. That my vices and mischiefs are who I am, both the most beautiful and sad parts of me.  I’ve learned that just like people are happy they are sad, and just as people live they die.  That happiness and love are for everyone, but I’ve also learned that this world, and its horrors isn’t.  I’ve learned that society isn’t a norm, and that human absolutism is not a thing.  That you have to **** up to learn, as no one has ever fallen in love without being a little brave. I’ve learned that depression ***** you left and right, that it’s a real illness and that taking antidepressants doesn’t make me any less of a person.  I’ve learned that embracing who you are is what makes you exquisite and endlessly fascinating.  That life is an absurd infinity for all this togetherness and otherness.

0

Feb 2, 2014

Feb 2, 2014 at 10:07 PM UTC

Learning.

In my life I’ve learned that it is possible to love two—three things at the same time with the same intensity, such as I love coffee as much as I love books as I love cigarettes in the morning. That my vices and mischiefs are who I am, both the most beautiful and sad parts of me.  I’ve learned that just like people are happy they are sad, and just as people live they die.  That happiness and love are for everyone, but I’ve also learned that this world, and its horrors isn’t.  I’ve learned that society isn’t a norm, and that human absolutism is not a thing.  That you have to **** up to learn, as no one has ever fallen in love without being a little brave. I’ve learned that depression ***** you left and right, that it’s a real illness and that taking antidepressants doesn’t make me any less of a person.  I’ve learned that embracing who you are is what makes you exquisite and endlessly fascinating.  That life is an absurd infinity for all this togetherness and otherness.

7

Depression comes with tearing her hair loose. The floor trembles in her presence. She likes my bed the best, curls herself up and weeps in silence. She looks in a mirror and stands up straight, ***** in her stomach, pushes her shoulders up front and looks idly at what so much inactivity has done to her body. She is always this way: nearly deteriorated for the heaviness of her heart. How she moves ghostly from place to place. How she can’t look at anyone in the eyes. How she compensates her lack of will with caffeine. I hold her every night as she cries herself to sleep. I tell her, you can’t stay here forever. There’s things I've got to do. There's days I come to find her gone. No explanation, no said words, just the smeared mascara of her absence on my pillow. I lose myself trying to protect her. It's a unilateral decision, it always has been. But the longer she stays, the longer this undesirable impregnation of inaptitude stays in my body. These days, I've conquered the times this disease embodied my soul.

0

Jan 30, 2014

Jan 30, 2014 at 11:29 PM UTC

Depression ***** you left and right.

Depression comes with tearing her hair loose. The floor trembles in her presence. She likes my bed the best, curls herself up and weeps in silence. She looks in a mirror and stands up straight, ***** in her stomach, pushes her shoulders up front and looks idly at what so much inactivity has done to her body. She is always this way: nearly deteriorated for the heaviness of her heart. How she moves ghostly from place to place. How she can’t look at anyone in the eyes. How she compensates her lack of will with caffeine. I hold her every night as she cries herself to sleep. I tell her, you can’t stay here forever. There’s things I've got to do. There's days I come to find her gone. No explanation, no said words, just the smeared mascara of her absence on my pillow. I lose myself trying to protect her. It's a unilateral decision, it always has been. But the longer she stays, the longer this undesirable impregnation of inaptitude stays in my body. These days, I've conquered the times this disease embodied my soul.

10

I am the fetus you procreated The baby you left And the woman you'll never get to meet. I am you Your faults Love and lust Never protected by you I am the vulnerable child you left without a goodbye The woman that became such with no guidance of you The crooked teenager who always needed love from a male the most The broken home Feelings And hopes I was yours until you decided to leave I could've been like you if you would have decided to stay Me of you you are And me of you I am

0

Jan 26, 2014

Jan 26, 2014 at 6:23 PM UTC

Daddy never loved me.

I am the fetus you procreated The baby you left And the woman you'll never get to meet. I am you Your faults Love and lust Never protected by you I am the vulnerable child you left without a goodbye The woman that became such with no guidance of you The crooked teenager who always needed love from a male the most The broken home Feelings And hopes I was yours until you decided to leave I could've been like you if you would have decided to stay Me of you you are And me of you I am

18

The death of a giant however it may be is much more dramatic than a little person's could ever be My mom with long, jet black hair Wavy like the ocean swirls She floated through the halls ever yet so gently to the rhythms of guitars Danced through the night with her Spanish hips I saw her as she deflated Color skin so white Sleeping away The pain letting her stay I saw as her defeat came through the door With a shining armor gentleman announcing the deplore of life Trumpets played so loudly Swords in her memoir Tears went down the alley My heart took a run around the floor Mommy please don't leave me I cry in high pitched noise Beeping sounds like sirens heard all around the door Running people in desperation Nothing that could ever change her soul I saw as she fought Nothing seemed to work I whispered 'I'll love you' And with my approval she let go I saw as she turned deathless and stiff I saw as her body was left in peace And her soul went somewhere in bliss

0

Jan 11, 2014

Jan 11, 2014 at 2:54 PM UTC

I couldn't write a eulogy.

The death of a giant however it may be is much more dramatic than a little person's could ever be My mom with long, jet black hair Wavy like the ocean swirls She floated through the halls ever yet so gently to the rhythms of guitars Danced through the night with her Spanish hips I saw her as she deflated Color skin so white Sleeping away The pain letting her stay I saw as her defeat came through the door With a shining armor gentleman announcing the deplore of life Trumpets played so loudly Swords in her memoir Tears went down the alley My heart took a run around the floor Mommy please don't leave me I cry in high pitched noise Beeping sounds like sirens heard all around the door Running people in desperation Nothing that could ever change her soul I saw as she fought Nothing seemed to work I whispered 'I'll love you' And with my approval she let go I saw as she turned deathless and stiff I saw as her body was left in peace And her soul went somewhere in bliss

27

I think you tried to tell me with your unveiling silence that we no longer were an us. I think you tried to tell me, subtle many times before, but I just wouldn't listen, I just wouldn't stop. Thinking, writing, felling I just couldn't stop.

0

Jan 9, 2014

Jan 9, 2014 at 7:08 PM UTC

Your silence is what kills me.

I think you tried to tell me with your unveiling silence that we no longer were an us. I think you tried to tell me, subtle many times before, but I just wouldn't listen, I just wouldn't stop. Thinking, writing, felling I just couldn't stop.

4

I don’t know what to tell you  I don’t know what you want me to say  Every weekend it’s the same  Same question  Same silence  Same feelings  Same darkness  Every time it’s an elongated silence from that question  The one I can’t answer  You stand next to me, looking down from our height different holding your Heineken as you slur your words to me  Do you love me?  There it is again.  That question.  How do you tell someone you love you don’t love them the same way they love you?  Our drunken nights and endless fights are like a boomerang thrown at the end of the night Delaying its return every time  I’m sure I don’t want you  Is all I have to say, but I’ve kissed you and held you and dribbled with your heart  I am the ***** that has used you for the lack of embracement she is most needed of  I chose the wrong person  The wrong lover  The wrong time  You’re drunk with all these lies I tell you  Enamored by the ones you barely remember  From the memories of when I used to make you coffee “You make the best brew” he says  But what he doesn’t know is that even my demons make good coffee  Even the heartless monster inside me has sweet kisses to give out  Even the ***** that I am can make you think she loves you back.  I’m sorry, I just never told you that.

0

Jan 6, 2014

Jan 6, 2014 at 10:51 PM UTC

My demons make good coffee

I don’t know what to tell you  I don’t know what you want me to say  Every weekend it’s the same  Same question  Same silence  Same feelings  Same darkness  Every time it’s an elongated silence from that question  The one I can’t answer  You stand next to me, looking down from our height different holding your Heineken as you slur your words to me  Do you love me?  There it is again.  That question.  How do you tell someone you love you don’t love them the same way they love you?  Our drunken nights and endless fights are like a boomerang thrown at the end of the night Delaying its return every time  I’m sure I don’t want you  Is all I have to say, but I’ve kissed you and held you and dribbled with your heart  I am the ***** that has used you for the lack of embracement she is most needed of  I chose the wrong person  The wrong lover  The wrong time  You’re drunk with all these lies I tell you  Enamored by the ones you barely remember  From the memories of when I used to make you coffee “You make the best brew” he says  But what he doesn’t know is that even my demons make good coffee  Even the heartless monster inside me has sweet kisses to give out  Even the ***** that I am can make you think she loves you back.  I’m sorry, I just never told you that.

28

You are my killer You are death You are my endless tunnel wreck You ****** me to my tomb You are my endless somber womb

0

Jan 3, 2014

Jan 3, 2014 at 8:59 PM UTC

Hydrocodone.

You are my killer You are death You are my endless tunnel wreck You ****** me to my tomb You are my endless somber womb

5