To have and to hold
And to let the love grow
And when it grows old
To let it all go
My misbelief severed
That I keep you forever
I am no longer welcome
I stayed for too long
I forced you to love me
You forced me to hurt me
And delivered the blows
As if it was all for me
The threatening whistle
I jump at the rattling
Like a key unlocking
The fears that feel false
Coming to Jesus
With what I had
versus what I lost
They are not the same
Can I once more
hold you?
Indulge my need
to live for you?
To find our end bitter
To feel like the quitter
I feel myself aging
And hardening
My misbelief severed
You are gone forever
No longer welcome
Forever gone
May 25
May 25, 2026 at 10:46 AM UTC
I waded with his ghost
In the drowning pool
Let the asphyxiating *****
Inside of me
It still hurts six days later
I’m trying to understand
Apr 23
Apr 23, 2026 at 9:11 PM UTC
Maybe if I let you in the house but not the room
Let a few songs play out of tune
Tolerate it once per day
If not a few
Then once per week
Whenever you say
whatever you do
Idiosyncratic like forbidden love
I died for you a few times
And you still couldn’t keep up
I died for you a few times
Before giving up
I’ve left the womb
Feb 16
Feb 16, 2026 at 1:04 PM UTC
My mind makes a sound
But I never listen
I can see in the dark
Only in one dimension
We are so close
And yet so far
I feel out of my depth
Like a bird in a cage
I cannot fly too far
But if I behave
I can rest on your finger
You are the one
I can feel your hand
Through the window
If I need air
Would it betray me?
Is there any water
Safe for drinking?
I am the one
My reflection moves
Through the depths
Of the water
Feb 7
Feb 7, 2026 at 4:37 PM UTC
You weren’t waiting outside the bathroom door
Knocking faintly, asking to come in
With a tone that suggests only one answer
I thought you would see me naked for the first time
I thought you’d hold me, wet and hypothermic
I thought I might be vulnerable
I thought I might share my heart as it was breaking
But you weren’t waiting with the cure
I cried for you in silence
with sharp ******* and all my breaths bated
I thought you would see me naked for the first time
I thought you’d touch every scar wonderingly
I thought I might feel the moment tender
I thought you would stop my heart from breaking
Feb 1
Feb 1, 2026 at 7:19 PM UTC
If only there could be
If there could ever be a “we”
I know you have enough
And you can live without
Me, I’m not so sure
Always been left outside
It feels so hard
It’s so hard how you make it easy
I know I have enough
But I don’t have what I need
And maybe I could live without
With you, I feel so sure
I’ll never be alone
Maybe I didn’t pray enough
For it all to become true
It’s miracle enough
That I’ve found myself in this room
But the door will never open
And we can’t transfer
If only there could be
If there could ever be a “we”
I know you have nothing to gain
And everything to lose
Do it for the children
Do it for the child
Jun 26, 2025
Jun 26, 2025 at 12:19 PM UTC
I remember your words
and your face
I remember your eyes
and how they stain
He looks a lot like you did, and
he looks a lot like you once did
I remember your hands,
where they were placed
I remember the smell
and how it tastes
It feels a lot like you did, and
it feels a lot like you once did
And I was on the floor
with my head in my hands
The world turned black
There was so much red
Frozen by screams from the hall
I couldn’t stand
I couldn’t move
I couldn’t fall
I couldn’t live it again
I already did, I already did
I remember the calm
of the pain
I remember the slow
fade away
I remember the comfort
you took away
I fear the comfort
as it replays
You look a lot like you did, and
you look a lot like you once did
I remember your touch
on my skin
I remember the outside
and the in
You feel a lot like you did, and
you feel a lot like you once did
And I can only forget
with hands on my neck
And every touch
feels like an attack
Restless legs held still
I couldn’t breathe
I couldn’t leave
I was yours
I can’t make it out alive
I’m already dead, I’m already dead
Jun 19, 2025
Jun 19, 2025 at 12:02 PM UTC
Your heart rises to the shadows
My heart rises to the burden of truth
When you breathe and your breath casts a shadow,
you’re breathing in the cold
May 18, 2025
May 18, 2025 at 1:37 AM UTC
Do you think of me as your baby?
Do you want to take my pain away?
Would you take it on
so it’s not on me?
Because I’m yours
and you’re here to stay?
It always makes me feel so crazy
How much I want you
but can’t stand the thought
How easy it would be and how hard
You only wanted someone like you
Maybe one day I’ll be glad that I am not
It feels so wrong to think about moving on
as if our connection is something impermanent
As if you chose me and regretted it since
I know there’s nothing that you owe me
But you’ve always known the expectation
And I think you resent me because you failed
It’s always made me feel so lonely
Sometimes I think I’m less of a woman
because of you
Learned everything through the lens of my daddy
until he crushed and wasted me, too
I never feel as angry now
I fought for you, not knowing what I was up against
And when you were crying at the counter
I tried to love you
You couldn’t let me in
May 10, 2025
May 10, 2025 at 12:25 PM UTC