At times like this i wish i had just slit my wrists when nobody gave a ****
In sociology we learned the term culture lag,
Society takes some time to adapt to new technology
It took me a while too
So why do you only choose to love me once i hate myself?
Its not fair to ask me to be okay now.
Once i've started agreeing to everyone telling me i'm worthless
They've started saying words like talented, gorgeous, kind
It. Is. Not. Fair.
I cant take it anymore. Everything is a lie and im so sick of it.
Dont tell me you love me. Give up. Hit me. Hurt me. Dont write about how you cry when i slice my skin.
You only loved me once i became incapable of loving myself.
Sep 27, 2014
Sep 27, 2014 at 4:44 PM UTC
The abyss between living and dying
Limbo for the cowards like us
Who feel with vicious intensity
Can you feel the pressure building inside
Shaking your cells like a bottle of coke
Trying to release it- slowly now
Crack the lid
Slicing away at skin as if the disease is in our blood
Dripping ink on paper while our lips pray for love
Wailing curses no one will ever hear
******* useless strangers till the loneliness disappears
Shooting up so your soul finally feels alive
And when all that is gone you simply want to die
A whole bin of toys to choose from
So we don't have to extinguish this nightmare
Because if we chose to let it spill out on its own
We would have to step to one side- personally,
I don't know whether to live or die
Sep 27, 2014
Sep 27, 2014 at 4:01 PM UTC
I'm sitting here
Reading her poetry
And i know i would hate it
Despise her, scream and shake
If she ever did that to me but
Nevertheless, here i am
Tears rushing down
As the lonliness
Pours out
From her words
Spilling through the screen
And dripping down my shirt
In fat drops of saltwater and mucus
And my heart is aching i wonder how
Much pressure the human heart can take
But my A&P; teacher hasn't taught me that yet
The pressure keeps building and i want
To give her all the love she deserves
To rip the sadness from her chest
And shove it inside my ribcage
Keep it locked up so that
She doesn't feel pain
I'm so sorry
Sep 27, 2014
Sep 27, 2014 at 3:49 PM UTC
I put a cigarette out on my wrist
And smiled as I thought of you
I'll keep smoking keep drinking
I'll keep fighting until the stench of your hands are gone
Jul 19, 2014
Jul 19, 2014 at 10:47 PM UTC
Like the ancient Greek gods and goddesses
It is a boastful caricature of qualities
To some it is heaven, nirvana, swarga loka
A promise of better days to come
If they can once (just once) be good enough
Its a pure soul, a blissful life
A polished floor, the colors of space
Perfection is everything
Perfection is nothing
Like the ancient Greek gods and goddesses
It is too full of itself, pretentious and vain
To some it looks like heaven, nirvana, swarga loka
Far away but they want to touch
If only they could wash the stains from their souls
But those stains are necessary
They are the stars in the sky
The universe is composed of inkstains blended together
Accidents exist but if we look
We can see the imprints the leave
The cosmos, the stars
Hurricanes and fires
Newborn babies, hope and love
Lost limbs and burnt eyes
Death and cruel lies
Are not perfection
But they help us see the strength in us
They help us find real love
By embracing imperfection we learn to live
Jul 17, 2014
Jul 17, 2014 at 12:42 PM UTC
I avoid food and love and lust
Because I ache for it
Because it makes me feel normal
A momentary high is not
Worth the inevitable plummet
And as you reach your hands around my neck I am not sure if you are going to
Caress me, envelop me in kisses
Or choke away this pulsing pain
I am not sure which I long for more
Inside me there is darkness
A contorted version of the little girl
I used to be once upon a time
I am still that ugly little girl
Who prayed for birds and bugs
Then turned around and beat herself up with bike chains and pavement and rock
But maybe i am something more now
Fear courses through my veins
I am deciding who I will be
Jul 17, 2014
Jul 17, 2014 at 12:13 PM UTC
Such a compelling urge
To walk the path of self destruction
It is that feeling you get
When your rent is due in a week
And you still don't have the cash
For the third month straight
That force that drives men
To fight for their families
Three thousand miles away
That causes missionaries
To die for their cause
It is reckless abandonment
Of safety and well being
As the needle keeps calling
Or the bottle or the brothel
And you tell yourself:
One last time
Tonight will be the last
Because your heart is racing
Like a train full speed
And one drop will calm you down
And one cut can't hurt
And you'll stop some other time
When it's less stressful
When school is over
When he comes home
But it never ends
This is a vicious cycle that tears
Your heart and rips your veins
It seeps into your skin
And nests in your skull
It is an invisible parasite
Feeding on everything important
Until at last
You wither away
Jul 1, 2014
Jul 1, 2014 at 7:32 PM UTC
I want to take the darkness away
My hands throb with the wish
To rest upon the ground and
Absorb the loneliness from this earth
The light still casts to many shadows
For my sensitive eyes to see
I wan't to cast out the darkness
And give unto you beauty
You are much to young
To feel such pain
But life is not a wish granting factory
And the tears still stream down your face
I want to take back the burns on your thighs
I want to scream until the wind returns your laugh
I made a wish on a dandelion today
That you could find happiness
And i blew as hard as i could
Jun 26, 2014
Jun 26, 2014 at 2:03 AM UTC
I wanted to take all of the darkness out of your life
And transform it into something beautiful
So i traveled to all the bookstores i could find
And googled spells to banish darkness
Your spirit sat in melancholy as i poured over words
I whispered prayers to whatever deity there may be
And questioned how far i would go for you
As i pricked my skin and abandoned my life
What a strange thing it was to find coming home
That you had decayed into an emptied shell
For as i was trying to find out how to fix you
You had fallen apart because of a cureable loneliness
Jun 26, 2014
Jun 26, 2014 at 1:59 AM UTC
Anorexia is a demon
An angel wrapped in a shroud of darkness
It starts out slowly
Restricting a bit
Chewing 32 times before swallowing
Writing down the foods that you eat
Then she knows you're falling
Maybe you should start skipping lunch
Did you really just snack?
Your insides become an empty cavern as she makes her home in your lungs
That overwhelming guilt
When you reach inside the bag of Doritos
And you want to cry because it's all you have to eat today
No she screams
And you obey because you don't know what else to do
And your sinking in this abyss of loneliness
She makes it better, she makes you feel so free
You think you may collapse from love
Stupid cow
Feel the fat swim around your tummy, thighs, ribs
And you feel so strong when you can go
16, 24, 48 hours
Without so much as a cough drop hitting your stomach
And the empty echo of your stomach feels like comfort
Even though it hurts
She took over my mind and ever since then i have been trying to get it back
My sanity, my personality, my happiness
The light has gone out and i stare at pictures of me
The emptiness behind these dark brown eyes is unbearable
I thought this would make me undefeatable
But i feel more guilty than before
This didn't make me strong, this crushed me more than i thought anything could
Jun 25, 2014
Jun 25, 2014 at 12:52 PM UTC