cjf - Hello Poetry

The wind shifted from cold to warm The sun doesn’t hide behind her clouds anymore The flowers, they’re blooming baby, you would’ve loved the way springs forming. I wish I still had you. I wish your love still filled my heart. I know you don’t realize but that love we shared was enough to fix me or tear me apart. I begged heaven to let you stay, crying and screaming, dry heaving, tears streaming, they still couldn’t find what made you stop breathing You were gone and I couldn’t save you from leaving I was your home We never picked out a welcome mat, but that didn’t stop you from walking inside and kicking up your feet You made sure I wasn’t alone Always reminding me that for 9 months you weren’t going to deplete They said “It’s not your fault” “You didn’t do anything wrong” “Don’t blame yourself” “You did what you were supposed to” But I was your home You grew inside of me, nurtured and fed Hiccuped and kicked for hours on end I loved you and I failed you Baby.. I didn’t get to say it, but I’m sorry too You were supposed to be safe and I couldn’t protect you Maybe I wasn’t aware enough But the skies, baby, they still feel icy blue And is the world going to keep moving on without us or what? I’m forever and always yours You molded your heart into mine Winters daughter and springs girl no matter what angel baby, until the end of time.

0

Aug 18, 2023

Aug 18, 2023 at 5:42 AM UTC

E.

The wind shifted from cold to warm The sun doesn’t hide behind her clouds anymore The flowers, they’re blooming baby, you would’ve loved the way springs forming. I wish I still had you. I wish your love still filled my heart. I know you don’t realize but that love we shared was enough to fix me or tear me apart. I begged heaven to let you stay, crying and screaming, dry heaving, tears streaming, they still couldn’t find what made you stop breathing You were gone and I couldn’t save you from leaving I was your home We never picked out a welcome mat, but that didn’t stop you from walking inside and kicking up your feet You made sure I wasn’t alone Always reminding me that for 9 months you weren’t going to deplete They said “It’s not your fault” “You didn’t do anything wrong” “Don’t blame yourself” “You did what you were supposed to” But I was your home You grew inside of me, nurtured and fed Hiccuped and kicked for hours on end I loved you and I failed you Baby.. I didn’t get to say it, but I’m sorry too You were supposed to be safe and I couldn’t protect you Maybe I wasn’t aware enough But the skies, baby, they still feel icy blue And is the world going to keep moving on without us or what? I’m forever and always yours You molded your heart into mine Winters daughter and springs girl no matter what angel baby, until the end of time.

29

I’m Still left somewhere in last week at the bar in between drinks When you so casually claimed “you know I love you” somewhere between my heart stopping and feeling like it got plunged with a needle full of adrenaline “you know I don’t ever wanna make you mad I just wanna make you laugh” my smile felt somewhere between triumphant and pride ecstatic and overwhelmed It’s like the smoke cleared out and centered around you why are you all I see? how are you all that I see still? I told you once that you have a power over me and to this day it’s still true. I can deny it until I’m blue in the face and I have no more air in my lungs- but it’s true But….. you love me. I got you I actually won this prize I can’t get out of this haze I’ve been in and I can’t stop seeing the way your hands were moving when you told me. your shy smile. your earnestness in your eyes. I’ve never fought to be so relevant in someone’s life the way I fight for a spot in yours, the claws that come out when that spot is threatened feel so sharp and steadfast Like they’d take on any and everything to be near you And you love me. It’s a relief and terrifying at one time. cause you can confess a love that makes flowers bloom in my chest but proclaim that love isn’t real in the next breath, so what is it that you’re trying to say? That the love you feel for me isn’t as cemented as mine feels for you? I’ve stifled my love for you, I’ve proclaimed it to you, I’ve held it steady for you, and in my heart it’s only you that holds this love and I’m not scared to give it to you, but the love you’re handing me… I’m petrified and proud to be responsible for it. It’s a heady thing, your love. I don’t want to hurt you.

0

Nov 11, 2022

Nov 11, 2022 at 2:18 AM UTC

He fell too

I’m Still left somewhere in last week at the bar in between drinks When you so casually claimed “you know I love you” somewhere between my heart stopping and feeling like it got plunged with a needle full of adrenaline “you know I don’t ever wanna make you mad I just wanna make you laugh” my smile felt somewhere between triumphant and pride ecstatic and overwhelmed It’s like the smoke cleared out and centered around you why are you all I see? how are you all that I see still? I told you once that you have a power over me and to this day it’s still true. I can deny it until I’m blue in the face and I have no more air in my lungs- but it’s true But….. you love me. I got you I actually won this prize I can’t get out of this haze I’ve been in and I can’t stop seeing the way your hands were moving when you told me. your shy smile. your earnestness in your eyes. I’ve never fought to be so relevant in someone’s life the way I fight for a spot in yours, the claws that come out when that spot is threatened feel so sharp and steadfast Like they’d take on any and everything to be near you And you love me. It’s a relief and terrifying at one time. cause you can confess a love that makes flowers bloom in my chest but proclaim that love isn’t real in the next breath, so what is it that you’re trying to say? That the love you feel for me isn’t as cemented as mine feels for you? I’ve stifled my love for you, I’ve proclaimed it to you, I’ve held it steady for you, and in my heart it’s only you that holds this love and I’m not scared to give it to you, but the love you’re handing me… I’m petrified and proud to be responsible for it. It’s a heady thing, your love. I don’t want to hurt you.

22

you tossed me a life jacket when I was drowning you breathed life back into me In reality you had no idea I was dying Monotony was oppressing me Then you came and turned everything upside down Suddenly I craved being around your energy there was laughter and smiles there was butterflies that I tried killing with alcohol But even the alcohol couldn't burn out the flutters I felt around you You held me close so many nights and I needed it but I fought it until you fell asleep and I could move away He did that to me. But I'd wake up wrapped back around you just the same You did that to me God didn't have a fighting chance against me falling for you There was no divine intervention to save me from that trip No way to stop you from turning that small corner in my heart into a bigger space for you and only you And my god I worship the work you did on me this confidence it's all you this smile You this backbone is built out of the armor I took from you I worship you My personal god

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Nov 11, 2022

Nov 11, 2022 at 2:17 AM UTC

hallelujah

you tossed me a life jacket when I was drowning you breathed life back into me In reality you had no idea I was dying Monotony was oppressing me Then you came and turned everything upside down Suddenly I craved being around your energy there was laughter and smiles there was butterflies that I tried killing with alcohol But even the alcohol couldn't burn out the flutters I felt around you You held me close so many nights and I needed it but I fought it until you fell asleep and I could move away He did that to me. But I'd wake up wrapped back around you just the same You did that to me God didn't have a fighting chance against me falling for you There was no divine intervention to save me from that trip No way to stop you from turning that small corner in my heart into a bigger space for you and only you And my god I worship the work you did on me this confidence it's all you this smile You this backbone is built out of the armor I took from you I worship you My personal god

25

you are a the hit of nicotine that I keep saying I'm going to quit but crave until I feel the smoke hit my lungs. you're so bad for me but still so good because when I imagine you moving on and sharing your arms and humor with someone else, I see red. When I imagine you becoming a husband I feel my own heart break. why? I know I have the power to create something out of us, but when I'm with HIM all I do is keep my eyes on him and just want his attention on me. When he talks I love that his inner thoughts are for me and his jokes are mine. When he talks to another female I get possessive and imagining him out of my life is unthinkable. I can't picture a life without him being my best friend. His love has always consumed me, but YOU breathed a different feeling in me that has turned me from a puppet for his love to someone who isn't afraid to challenge him and for that I don't know wether to praise you and stay or thank you and leave.

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Jun 18, 2021

Jun 18, 2021 at 1:52 PM UTC

A.M.P

you are a the hit of nicotine that I keep saying I'm going to quit but crave until I feel the smoke hit my lungs. you're so bad for me but still so good because when I imagine you moving on and sharing your arms and humor with someone else, I see red. When I imagine you becoming a husband I feel my own heart break. why? I know I have the power to create something out of us, but when I'm with HIM all I do is keep my eyes on him and just want his attention on me. When he talks I love that his inner thoughts are for me and his jokes are mine. When he talks to another female I get possessive and imagining him out of my life is unthinkable. I can't picture a life without him being my best friend. His love has always consumed me, but YOU breathed a different feeling in me that has turned me from a puppet for his love to someone who isn't afraid to challenge him and for that I don't know wether to praise you and stay or thank you and leave.

1

"I like you too much" "I think it's more than that" "No" "I do. I think you more than like me" "I don't" "I think so" "..You have too much control over me" "I know"

0

Jun 18, 2021

Jun 18, 2021 at 1:48 PM UTC

michelobs

"I like you too much" "I think it's more than that" "No" "I do. I think you more than like me" "I don't" "I think so" "..You have too much control over me" "I know"

8

"Leave me" he said While his fingers played music to the instrument that was my body. "Leave me" he demanded while I steadily grew louder against his pressure "Leave me" he plead while my body writhed underneath his touch "Leave me" he said while I touched the stars while simultaneously being on earth "I can't" I confessed breathlessly, sadly. "Why" "There's no one like you. No one can be you. You're all I see" "Don't leave me. Ever"

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Jun 18, 2021

Jun 18, 2021 at 1:45 PM UTC

body music

"Leave me" he said While his fingers played music to the instrument that was my body. "Leave me" he demanded while I steadily grew louder against his pressure "Leave me" he plead while my body writhed underneath his touch "Leave me" he said while I touched the stars while simultaneously being on earth "I can't" I confessed breathlessly, sadly. "Why" "There's no one like you. No one can be you. You're all I see" "Don't leave me. Ever"

9

And I know You'll hurt me My thief You see my heart in my eyes when I look at you That's why I avoid your stare You hear words I won't say out loud through my body And you mold me into you frequently I try and fight against the current that is you But I'm under the water and drowning And you're all of the ocean All I can feel All I can see All around me in every direction No matter which way I turn You're there Get out of my mind But like the ocean, you can be so serene and breathtaking. You move without apology or reason. You're as mesmerizing as you are dangerous. But haven't I always wanted to dip my feet into the sea? And when the oceans done And I'm washed on the shore Cold and alone I can say I knew it I knew you'd hurt me

0

Apr 18, 2021

Apr 18, 2021 at 12:34 PM UTC

Klepto

And I know You'll hurt me My thief You see my heart in my eyes when I look at you That's why I avoid your stare You hear words I won't say out loud through my body And you mold me into you frequently I try and fight against the current that is you But I'm under the water and drowning And you're all of the ocean All I can feel All I can see All around me in every direction No matter which way I turn You're there Get out of my mind But like the ocean, you can be so serene and breathtaking. You move without apology or reason. You're as mesmerizing as you are dangerous. But haven't I always wanted to dip my feet into the sea? And when the oceans done And I'm washed on the shore Cold and alone I can say I knew it I knew you'd hurt me

23

Hey ez. Just wanted to say, you would be 5 months now. Almost to 6 baby girl. Cousin Ellie just got to 7. Shaydens at 1. Liliana is at 8. You would’ve been right in between. Just perfectly spoiled rotten with love. We miss you. I do. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I don’t think of you often. But thinking of the could’ve and would’ve beens leaves an ache inside that hurts too much. I guess I’ve associated you with so much pain that I think of you when I’m feeling low. I’m happy for the most part. You know? Like.. things feel okay. I held shayden the other day remember? I dreamt of you that night and felt like I was holding you and I felt like that was a push from you to tell me that it was okay for my arms to hold a baby even if it’s not you. It’s just hard for me tho. To have to be awkward and laughed at and watched over as I hold a newborn when I should’ve been used to it by now. I should’ve been the one to be able to tell the best way to angle the head and even know how to burp them. I know others don’t mean to be insensitive it’s not their fault.. I’m the one who always shows them how strong I am and that im not still healing. Thanks to you. I don’t know some times wether to thank you or not because if you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what I’m capable of. If you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what being strong means. You showed me the purest love in the most simplistic way and I wish there was a way I could feel that again. Maybe the hurt inside me when I think of you is that love still just not so pure anymore since it’s marred with losing you. I know it’s bad that I don’t talk about you. But baby, it’s only been 5 months. How does anyone expect me to just be okay with it now? 5 months of you being alive would be you still being brand new. 5 months of you being dead means that I’m still holding on. 5 months of me trying to go back to normalcy. Staying with friends, going for drinks, laughing and making jokes. Some of it feels more fake than others. I don’t think you realize how much happier I would be with you here. I sometimes get a thought in my head that is terrible, but that I think is my way of coping because it isn’t how I really feel. You know? That maybe I wasn’t ready for you. Maybe I was too ill prepared. I mean come on look at us. I can barely make it by and there’s just two adults. No car. No home. No baby. And we’re still struggling. So sometimes I think, yes maybe it is better for you.. that way you won’t ever have to know how much this world really is just a climbing ladder and a lot of the times we’re at the bottom. Maybe sometimes it would be easier if you were here, maybe you would be motivation. Something to get us out of our hole we’re in. Or that I’m in. I don’t know what’s right anymore. I wish you were here so I could just talk your little head off again. I miss those morning drives of just telling you what I had in store for us. Of complaining about nonsense and always losing track of what I was saying but actually feeling listened to for once. You made me feel so much peace just by talking to you. I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. Everyone has their own problems and me adding to theirs when my problems are easily fixable seems pointless. Idk. I just miss you. I’m sorry that I’m a bad mom. I didn’t deserve you but I thank you so much that you gave me you.

0

Apr 19, 2020

Apr 19, 2020 at 11:01 PM UTC

Dear Ezra

Hey ez. Just wanted to say, you would be 5 months now. Almost to 6 baby girl. Cousin Ellie just got to 7. Shaydens at 1. Liliana is at 8. You would’ve been right in between. Just perfectly spoiled rotten with love. We miss you. I do. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I don’t think of you often. But thinking of the could’ve and would’ve beens leaves an ache inside that hurts too much. I guess I’ve associated you with so much pain that I think of you when I’m feeling low. I’m happy for the most part. You know? Like.. things feel okay. I held shayden the other day remember? I dreamt of you that night and felt like I was holding you and I felt like that was a push from you to tell me that it was okay for my arms to hold a baby even if it’s not you. It’s just hard for me tho. To have to be awkward and laughed at and watched over as I hold a newborn when I should’ve been used to it by now. I should’ve been the one to be able to tell the best way to angle the head and even know how to burp them. I know others don’t mean to be insensitive it’s not their fault.. I’m the one who always shows them how strong I am and that im not still healing. Thanks to you. I don’t know some times wether to thank you or not because if you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what I’m capable of. If you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what being strong means. You showed me the purest love in the most simplistic way and I wish there was a way I could feel that again. Maybe the hurt inside me when I think of you is that love still just not so pure anymore since it’s marred with losing you. I know it’s bad that I don’t talk about you. But baby, it’s only been 5 months. How does anyone expect me to just be okay with it now? 5 months of you being alive would be you still being brand new. 5 months of you being dead means that I’m still holding on. 5 months of me trying to go back to normalcy. Staying with friends, going for drinks, laughing and making jokes. Some of it feels more fake than others. I don’t think you realize how much happier I would be with you here. I sometimes get a thought in my head that is terrible, but that I think is my way of coping because it isn’t how I really feel. You know? That maybe I wasn’t ready for you. Maybe I was too ill prepared. I mean come on look at us. I can barely make it by and there’s just two adults. No car. No home. No baby. And we’re still struggling. So sometimes I think, yes maybe it is better for you.. that way you won’t ever have to know how much this world really is just a climbing ladder and a lot of the times we’re at the bottom. Maybe sometimes it would be easier if you were here, maybe you would be motivation. Something to get us out of our hole we’re in. Or that I’m in. I don’t know what’s right anymore. I wish you were here so I could just talk your little head off again. I miss those morning drives of just telling you what I had in store for us. Of complaining about nonsense and always losing track of what I was saying but actually feeling listened to for once. You made me feel so much peace just by talking to you. I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. Everyone has their own problems and me adding to theirs when my problems are easily fixable seems pointless. Idk. I just miss you. I’m sorry that I’m a bad mom. I didn’t deserve you but I thank you so much that you gave me you.

2

I’m forming a shell around my heart that shouldn’t be there with her. I’m so scared of loving her fully because I don’t want to be broken again.. I won’t survive it Ezra, I really wont. But she doesn’t deserve this half love I’m giving. I’m trying so hard to love her the same, to feel that excitement that I felt with you, to feel that eager nervousness. I can’t. I feel apprehensive. This life after you isn’t the same sunflower seeds you left planted in my heart. They wilted and nothing is left but the dried leaves and the crunch Crunch Crunching Echoes throughout my abused heart But who says weeds can’t beautiful too??

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Jan 16, 2020

Jan 16, 2020 at 7:02 AM UTC

Somewhere over the rainbow

I’m forming a shell around my heart that shouldn’t be there with her. I’m so scared of loving her fully because I don’t want to be broken again.. I won’t survive it Ezra, I really wont. But she doesn’t deserve this half love I’m giving. I’m trying so hard to love her the same, to feel that excitement that I felt with you, to feel that eager nervousness. I can’t. I feel apprehensive. This life after you isn’t the same sunflower seeds you left planted in my heart. They wilted and nothing is left but the dried leaves and the crunch Crunch Crunching Echoes throughout my abused heart But who says weeds can’t beautiful too??

6

“They won’t make you super happy, they won’t immediately take the sadness away, but they will help”

0

Mar 26, 2019

Mar 26, 2019 at 12:22 AM UTC

Me and Zoloft get along just fine

“They won’t make you super happy, they won’t immediately take the sadness away, but they will help”

1