christa-casper
American
I write, I draw and paint and sculpt and photograph and just about live and breathe everything that has to do with art, I dream, I live in a skewed world, My brand of crazy is a one of a kind combination that cannot be reproduced, I am not cute, I am not a happy person, I do not like people, I read, I observe, I perceive too well, I did not want to write this.
i feel like i'm drowning
but the air is so dry here.
it must be my skin,
my failing lungs,
the way i slip out of life
when lights are too bright,
my brain can't take the pressure
i feel faint
and my body
my insides are cold.
nothing is real anymore.
Mar 6, 2014
Mar 6, 2014 at 1:09 AM UTC
You know... I really wish I could say that everything will be all right,
But I just can't know that. The only thing that has changed with me
is the fact that I'm too afraid to do anything wrong. I can't just lay in bed
and be ill and hope that people will understand, because I know they won't.
I have experienced the wrath of a person who just doesn't understand, and
I am afraid. Afraid to talk, afraid to express anything but the approved material,
afraid to be anything other than what they think is alright. Every god ****** day
is a struggle to get up and walk around and smile and try to be normal and happy
like they say I should be. I am not normal, I am sick, I am not okay, I am not fit to
survive like this anymore. And the thing is, that probably won't ever change.
The thought that I'll never find any kind of good in this life, with this sickness, this ugly
mental and physical sickness... Makes me pretty **** doubtful that everything will be okay.
Oct 25, 2013
Oct 25, 2013 at 10:49 PM UTC
one day
i'll fall
stepping off
a curb
or a ledge
and no
matter what
you say
no amount
of pills
or therapy
or helping hands
will stop
me
Sep 4, 2013
Sep 4, 2013 at 12:41 AM UTC
I'm stuck somewhere in between
being numb, blank,
completely devoid of emotion,
And so completely full
of so many incredibly intense feelings
My brain is so confused that
all I feel most days is anger and boredom,
and neither of those things can be sated.
I'm stuck.
I'm lost.
I'm dangerous.
Sep 4, 2013
Sep 4, 2013 at 12:24 AM UTC
There are some things in life that are hard to get over
Take, for example, biting your nails
or the irresistible urge to pick at scabs.
Another thing, is a type of person,
the type of person we all have in our lives,
at some time or point in our timelines.
They start out great, funny, kind
the perfect friend that lights up the world.
Time passes and you become closer
with this golden friend,
and you notice
that when you look at them, it's different.
Palms sweaty, heart clenching,
and you can't seem to stop
looking at them.
And it's the worst thing
because now everything
is ruined.
How can you stand it,
being around this person,
if all you can do is admire them?
You can't.
But you soldier on
because it is so hard
to just let that feeling go.
And day after day
you think you see them
falling for you too,
but you'll never be sure
and you can never get your hopes up.
But you just can't quit them.
No matter how hard you try,
they will not go away,
but really you don't want them to.
Years go by and they are still
settling into your brain,
burrowing deeper and deeper.
Until you love them,
Until they love you
or they leave you.
How do you break
a habit like that person?
How do you remove
the tumor that they are
from yourself?
How do you stop
wanting to be with that person
always?
Is it even possible,
to manage their disease
if the cure is so
impossibly close and far away?
So far...
I haven't found a way.
Aug 30, 2013
Aug 30, 2013 at 12:50 AM UTC
Do people really get kissed
like characters do in movies and books?
Pushed up against a wall
Hot breath and lust clenched fingers, or
In an airport in front of security
Teary eyes and tight hugs
Soft and slow and
Full of want and love.
Do they happen?
Or have I just been in
the wrong place my entire life?
And if these kisses do exist,
Why haven't I experienced
anything remotely close to that
Sweet perfection?
Why have all of my kisses been
so hasty and ugly and well,
completely ******
And who are these guys,
That I have let kiss me,
Who do they think they are?
That they can kiss me like that,
And not even care?
All I get are senseless, strung out lips
looking for another score.
What I want,
Need actually,
Are kisses that make me forget
what i'm thinking
what day it is
what's going on around me,
Kisses that remind me of campfires
and old movies, and rainy summers
filled with lightning bugs and
long walks in sunflower fields.
I want to kiss someone and
feel like I'm back in my microscopic town
catching lady bugs, lying in tall grass
watching the setting sun and feeling a
warm breeze wash over my skin and
seeing it dance with the trees and birds.
I want someone to kiss me, and
make me feel free and whimsical,
Like walking among the sunflowers,
not knowing where they end,
not caring if they don't
because it's beautiful.
I want to be kissed
like the world is ending
like I am the most important thing
and if they don't kiss me
then nothing will ever matter again.
If it's out there,
and god do I hope it is,
I will look for it.
I will find it.
I will.
Aug 22, 2013
Aug 22, 2013 at 6:31 AM UTC
I just want to fall asleep,
to be able to do that,
without the help of drugs
or extreme exhaustion.
To get rid of the deep set bruises
beneath my eyes,
and the things that i keep seeing.
So many images, and figures drifting in and out
of my consciousness.
Why can't i just fall asleep,
and not feel all of this pain
and just not feel at all?
Why can't i just make it stop?
Just please make it stop.
Jul 21, 2013
Jul 21, 2013 at 4:24 AM UTC
I think the saddest thing about getting older,
is all the things that you'll realize you never knew
about me, and how easily i hid them from you.
And you're only just seeing everything fall into place,
every excuse and subject change, and flat out lie,
because i separated myself from your life.
I finally have the freedom to leave, and
i'm disentangling our lives piece by piece.
I am who i am, especially without you,
completely mental and ****** up,
but at least now i can just be
and not worry about what you think
or wonder if you believed me when i told you
i wasn't okay.
Jul 15, 2013
Jul 15, 2013 at 11:02 PM UTC
Grey is the April sky in your sad drooping eyes,
and the smell before it rains,
drifting off your skin.
Jul 7, 2013
Jul 7, 2013 at 1:23 AM UTC