Sleepless nights always start the same
A shaking I can’t control
I chill all over
I know somethings wrong
It keeps me awake
Often it has the same effects
Eventually the shaking turns to rocking back and forth
Tears spring to my eyes like a soldier at attention
Late at night I can’t handle it
it ruins my efforts at being distracted from the causes
I break down
I stop what I doing and sob
as the soldier tears rappel down my cheek to my chin
and dive off the edge
Sleepless nights are the loneliest
I sit there afraid
Of losing you
Of myself
Of myself without you
I can’t bear to be without you
Losing you is the crippling fear
in the back of my mind
that keeps me lying awake at night
and on nights like these it’s the worst
it seems real
like i’ve lost you with no chance of return
Last time i had a night like this
you sent me “love you too”
i kept it on my phone to look at it to reassure myself
last night like this i looked at that message 16 times
scared that it would change
i can’t sleep on a night like this when i don’t have you
i need you more than sleep
i need you more than life
i need you more than anything
Aug 12, 2014
Aug 12, 2014 at 12:23 AM UTC
I didn’t sleep but I had a nightmare.
I sat alone in my room in the dark
My greatest fears came true.
I messed up. I made you angry
I made it worse. I lost you.
I always said you’d leave.
They all do. No exceptions
When it happened it wasn’t a surprise
Rather it was a rude awakening
A rude awakening from a sweet dream
All my dreams had come true
But like a dream, It had to end
All dreams end the same
A quick jolt to the paralyzing fear
The realization that you were awake
Back to the mundane imperfect life
Back to a place you never wanted to be again
Back in the same old nightmare
That was my night
Not one filled with sleep and sweet dreams
One where i was wide awake living my greatest nightmare
I opened my eyes to the harsh reality without you
It was lonely and empty
I was lonely and empty
The darkness filled the room and it engulfed me.
I became what the room was
Dark, hidden, terrified
I wanted out
Voices screamed louder than ever before
Reassuring me of how terrible i was
How alone i was
How afraid I was
But I could never tell you
I could never paint you as the villain
I could never put you in the same position as me
Living the greatest nightmare
Aug 12, 2014
Aug 12, 2014 at 12:17 AM UTC
Words are knives.
They can chop the ingredients to a tasty conversation.
Or they can turn on you and hold the blade to your throat
But no matter how much I wanted to use these knives
To create meals of reasons why you should be mine
I can't.
My greatest fear is that these knives will turn away.
Go from my own neck and hold themselves at yours.
I'm afraid they'll slice through like a knife through hot butter
As they have to me numerous times.
I'm afraid the knives will make that cut.
I'm afraid they'll sever the binding between me and you.
My greatest fear is to lose the one I care for most.
I keep the knives that are the sharpest tied to my own neck.
Because of the knives I've sharpened,
I'm afraid of the words I never said.
Jun 14, 2014
Jun 14, 2014 at 10:20 AM UTC
Silence
Drops a dark void on deep thinkers
The wool over their eyes
The sound of their cries
Silence
Pulls the rug out from under legs
Hopes drop to the ground
Dreams shatter to pieces
Silence
Gives time to think for the mad
Time to mourn for the sad
Time for decline of the joyous
Silence
Darkness engulfs the area surrounding
There is nothing
There is no one
Silence
It injures
It ruins
It kills
Silence
It never ends
Jun 13, 2014
Jun 13, 2014 at 11:34 PM UTC
To understand me, one has to go deeper than the surface.
On the outside, I’m glass half full but on the inside it’s completely empty.
On the outside there is a warm rain with the sun just over the horizon.
Inside it rains cold crimson drops with the smell of iron in the air.
On the outside, smiles grace those around me causing mutual happiness all around.
Inside sneers and jeers are thrown at me from all angle, cursing my name.
On the outside I'm some popular kid who has friends.
Inside It’s me with the spare real friend or two comforting the empty inside that’s left.
On the outside, I manage to mutter the phrase “I’m fine” to those who care.
Inside I’m dying and alone but I refuse to allow anyone to worry about me.
On the outside, I seem like a ball of confidence with no fears.
Inside I’m a shut in who can’t stand to see the light of day, yet I punish myself for missing it.
On the outside I’m happy with myself.
Inside I hate who I am, physically and mentally I despise myself.
Why would I hide such a reality?
Behind a dreamlike state where no one can even recognize, let alone find, the real me,
If I ever needed help.
No one could reach me behind the pile of lies i throw, just to “protect” myself?
Protect myself from what?
Those outside who only want to help?
Meanwhile I’m alone inside dying screaming “I’m not fine. Dear god, I’m not fine.”
No one can hear.
No one can see.
No one can do anything to help.
Why won’t anyone go deeper?
But it’s no one else’s fault but my own
How can I expect someone to go deeper, when I lock up anything past the surface?
Jun 5, 2014
Jun 5, 2014 at 11:01 PM UTC
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night. Dark, and alone.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night just to sit up and stare at the wall for a bit
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, turn on the tv and flip through channels
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, turn the tv off and just think
sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and think about my friends that say they love me.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and think about my friends and how I don’t think they truly care.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and think and cry and think and sob in an endless cycle.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and think about how I can put a smile on my face for my friends.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and think about the smile that’s missing from my heart.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and realize I haven’t gotten better.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and ask why God decided to put me here.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and think of how I can get out.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and cry and cry and cry.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and think that if I was man enough I would end it all.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and think about how much I want out.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and I can’t go back to sleep.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and go back to sleep.
Sometimes I still wake up in the morning and wait in horror for the vicious cycle to repeat and the sorrow to return.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t wake up…..at all.
May 15, 2014
May 15, 2014 at 9:32 PM UTC
You were never really there when I was younger.
The divorce set us apart with your constant job sprinkled in.
You were never really there when I was younger.
I had no one to play catch with.
You were never really there when I was younger.
I had no one to watch to run like a man so I learned from the little girls next door.
You were never really there when I was younger.
I looked around and saw my friends with their perfect parents as I sat with my broken parents wondering what it feels like.
You were never really there when I was younger.
Ao I found myself sympathizing with fictional character that either had one parent or didn’t have any at all.
You were never really there when I was younger.
So I thought of myself as half the kid others were.
But,
You were sometimes actually there when I was younger.
When you did see me, you took me to fun places like baseball games and the zoo.
You were sometimes actually there when I was younger.
I found friends to play baseball with and you came to see my games.
You were sometimes there when I was younger.
How badly I run doesn’t change the man I am.
You were sometimes there when I was younger.
Though kids had perfect families, I had two time the family they had.
You were there when I was younger.
I had clung to superheroes without parents like Batman and I had clung to you.
You were there when I was younger.
I was never half the kid.
I am a whole kid with a perfect, broken family.
And you were always there.
May 15, 2014
May 15, 2014 at 9:31 PM UTC
I like to imagine myself as a shield
Casting itself over it’s allies in battle
Saving them from shrapnel and enemy attack
On the front there was color
It has long faded into a plain metallic sheen
The color was not faded in one short stroke of grief
But rather by years and years of wear and misuse
It is filled with scratches
Some from enemies, some from allies, some from myself
On the back there are words
Some that I say all the time
Words like “I’m fine” and “Don’t worry about me”
Others are phrases I wished I heard
“Proud of you, son” “Good job, son”
These words serve to protect the guise
To persuade those who are protected by the shield
To never glance at the battle-worn front
Sometimes the shield is close to breaking
Mostly from overuse
Sometimes it breaks itself
Chipping pieces off wondering why it doesn’t feel whole anymore
What was once a thick, sturdy shield
Has become a frail, flimsy barrier
Ready to break at the slightest hit
It refuses to go easily
As if it were gone who would protect those behind it
How could such an imperative device be so easily replaced
How could others forget its purpose
How could the shield forget its own worth
May 15, 2014
May 15, 2014 at 9:30 PM UTC