chloepoetry - Hello Poetry

The million dollar question I’ve always cried out to the empty atmosphere is: Will I ever be enough… Enough for me? Everything is purposeless, Meaningless… But that can be inverted. I just want to grasp some kind of way to live where I don’t feel like drowning in a foggy daze. They don’t tell you about getting better. How it will still always hurt as badly as the early days. Getting better still means falling and repeating the parts you hate the most about yourself..: You just get up faster or take up a new problem. I will always battle myself. I can grow, but the pain remains. I guess you just learn to react in other ways. Is that better? The funny part… I’m not better at all. I’ve just learned better ways to lie to myself. I’m just scared. I’m so scared that I’m probably afraid of being happy. How do you change to gold when you were born blue? The only change I feel is my new profound self-preservation and a little voice that wants more… And then I take that version and force her to just watch. Watch me break. Watch me want better for myself after. Watch me repeat. Nothing is different. Just me in a room watching while another me in a room is watching me self sabotage. I don’t want to be complacent in the familiar pain. I gotta get out of the middle of this ocean.

0

Aug 17, 2024

Aug 17, 2024 at 7:53 AM UTC

$1mQ

The million dollar question I’ve always cried out to the empty atmosphere is: Will I ever be enough… Enough for me? Everything is purposeless, Meaningless… But that can be inverted. I just want to grasp some kind of way to live where I don’t feel like drowning in a foggy daze. They don’t tell you about getting better. How it will still always hurt as badly as the early days. Getting better still means falling and repeating the parts you hate the most about yourself..: You just get up faster or take up a new problem. I will always battle myself. I can grow, but the pain remains. I guess you just learn to react in other ways. Is that better? The funny part… I’m not better at all. I’ve just learned better ways to lie to myself. I’m just scared. I’m so scared that I’m probably afraid of being happy. How do you change to gold when you were born blue? The only change I feel is my new profound self-preservation and a little voice that wants more… And then I take that version and force her to just watch. Watch me break. Watch me want better for myself after. Watch me repeat. Nothing is different. Just me in a room watching while another me in a room is watching me self sabotage. I don’t want to be complacent in the familiar pain. I gotta get out of the middle of this ocean.

48

You make my brain feel like scribbles. I think people only want my best parts. I think all people have horrible parts and it’s inevitable for a lover to see. They always get hung up on the bad parts and see that as my entirety. I guess only you can **** up, because I let go quicker… Take the stage— I’m stepping off. I will never change this cycle, all I can do is leave in defeat…

0

Apr 4, 2024

Apr 4, 2024 at 8:05 AM UTC

**** It

You make my brain feel like scribbles. I think people only want my best parts. I think all people have horrible parts and it’s inevitable for a lover to see. They always get hung up on the bad parts and see that as my entirety. I guess only you can **** up, because I let go quicker… Take the stage— I’m stepping off. I will never change this cycle, all I can do is leave in defeat…

15

I don’t want to live if living is just working to eat and pay bills. **** you, America.

0

Dec 13, 2023

Dec 13, 2023 at 7:19 AM UTC

Fml

I don’t want to live if living is just working to eat and pay bills. **** you, America.

11

a voidless ache, underlying everything. it's worse if you have already met before. because despite it's dullness at times... you are constantly reminded of how deep it can feel. the only emotion to cut through the space between the emotional and physical. the only emotional agony to bring me to my knees... gripping my chest... i wish i'd die already. but it's slow and methodical... i don't want to be human anymore.

0

Oct 13, 2023

Oct 13, 2023 at 3:00 AM UTC

****

a voidless ache, underlying everything. it's worse if you have already met before. because despite it's dullness at times... you are constantly reminded of how deep it can feel. the only emotion to cut through the space between the emotional and physical. the only emotional agony to bring me to my knees... gripping my chest... i wish i'd die already. but it's slow and methodical... i don't want to be human anymore.

17

I wish heartbreak came with a manual. But honestly, would it even help? I imagine it would be contradicting and maybe go something like this: "You may experience the feeling that you are walking away from the rarest love you'll ever experience... But don't you worry, because even if you stay a little longer, eventually you'll convince yourself you don't love them anymore, just enough to finally end it. Give it a week. Oh, there it is... You feel that? THAT feeling is the numbness wearing off and only remembering the happy parts." Or some ******** like that. Probably nothing that specific though... Only enough to have the majority relate. I imagine the narrator would sound overly enthusiastic...Which is hilariously inappropriate ... But, really, is it that hilarious? I thought getting older and having experience in dating would result in all of this **** becoming less confusing... But it really just feels worse every time for me. At the end, I couldn't even differentiate the pain and anger from the source. Did he create this suffering? Was it my reaction that set the course? Was this all in my head and I was just overeacting? Or was I justified to feel this ****** Even if I was justified, would it have even made a difference? It really got lost in translation, and I feel like I got lost in identifying that. Was this a hypnotic trance from narcissism manipulating the narration or was it using my reaction as an excuse to self-sabotage? I just want to know what really happened. I think that's the scariest part. Am I so broken, I convince myself it was them? Well, **** What are you still reading for? I don't have the ******* answer.

0

Oct 13, 2023

Oct 13, 2023 at 2:29 AM UTC

Confused...

I wish heartbreak came with a manual. But honestly, would it even help? I imagine it would be contradicting and maybe go something like this: "You may experience the feeling that you are walking away from the rarest love you'll ever experience... But don't you worry, because even if you stay a little longer, eventually you'll convince yourself you don't love them anymore, just enough to finally end it. Give it a week. Oh, there it is... You feel that? THAT feeling is the numbness wearing off and only remembering the happy parts." Or some ******** like that. Probably nothing that specific though... Only enough to have the majority relate. I imagine the narrator would sound overly enthusiastic...Which is hilariously inappropriate ... But, really, is it that hilarious? I thought getting older and having experience in dating would result in all of this **** becoming less confusing... But it really just feels worse every time for me. At the end, I couldn't even differentiate the pain and anger from the source. Did he create this suffering? Was it my reaction that set the course? Was this all in my head and I was just overeacting? Or was I justified to feel this ****** Even if I was justified, would it have even made a difference? It really got lost in translation, and I feel like I got lost in identifying that. Was this a hypnotic trance from narcissism manipulating the narration or was it using my reaction as an excuse to self-sabotage? I just want to know what really happened. I think that's the scariest part. Am I so broken, I convince myself it was them? Well, **** What are you still reading for? I don't have the ******* answer.

48

this feeling is my familiar, it’s rooted in life. cocooned inside of it, i am it’s prisoner. a paradox, a willing disbelief that hardens and worsens the ability to breathe. i fight and i don’t feel any difference, i can’t see any change. i rinse, repeat and the only growth i seem to feel is the growth of lost hope. but one day the cocoon becomes so tight and dehydrated around my body. you can make out my silhouette. it cracks and i see a light. come to find despite darkness the entire time… nearing the end… i have metamorphosed. learning that sometimes you don’t know how much you’ve evolved until you have completely gone THROUGH the loneliest time of your life. now I have a strange appreciation for the darkness, because i have learned more in that time-frame than any other point in life. i am lucky to be someone who can grow in those moments…some never will.

0

Aug 15, 2023

Aug 15, 2023 at 3:58 AM UTC

Metamorphosis

this feeling is my familiar, it’s rooted in life. cocooned inside of it, i am it’s prisoner. a paradox, a willing disbelief that hardens and worsens the ability to breathe. i fight and i don’t feel any difference, i can’t see any change. i rinse, repeat and the only growth i seem to feel is the growth of lost hope. but one day the cocoon becomes so tight and dehydrated around my body. you can make out my silhouette. it cracks and i see a light. come to find despite darkness the entire time… nearing the end… i have metamorphosed. learning that sometimes you don’t know how much you’ve evolved until you have completely gone THROUGH the loneliest time of your life. now I have a strange appreciation for the darkness, because i have learned more in that time-frame than any other point in life. i am lucky to be someone who can grow in those moments…some never will.

24

Sometimes… I really think, truly think, I want to be dumb and succumb to the numb. Being above-average in self-awareness and awareness in general is a curse. I can appreciate the complexities and intricacies in every day life…But **** do I feel so alone… Because everybody else seems pretty content with average.

0

Jul 16, 2023

Jul 16, 2023 at 4:55 AM UTC

Where Is My Extraordinary?

Sometimes… I really think, truly think, I want to be dumb and succumb to the numb. Being above-average in self-awareness and awareness in general is a curse. I can appreciate the complexities and intricacies in every day life…But **** do I feel so alone… Because everybody else seems pretty content with average.

16

To the contrary, monsters aren't scary. They aren't giant, evil or hairy. They're often handsome and approachable, so be wary... At first, they'll draw you in and burrow into your heart. Your heart will race and you'll feel alive. Then that's when you'll believe their lies. They'll emotionally grip you and of course you react. That's the queue for them to turn it back. It's your fault they'll convince you, truly. You'll lose grip of who said what, when and who started this and that. Your mind becomes a scribble and the trauma leaves a gap. Once your energy is no more, they'll unhinge their fangs to find someone else. Your heart is racing, but you don't feel alive. You feel frail, wounded and dead deep inside...

0

Mar 16, 2023

Mar 16, 2023 at 7:17 PM UTC

Narcissist

To the contrary, monsters aren't scary. They aren't giant, evil or hairy. They're often handsome and approachable, so be wary... At first, they'll draw you in and burrow into your heart. Your heart will race and you'll feel alive. Then that's when you'll believe their lies. They'll emotionally grip you and of course you react. That's the queue for them to turn it back. It's your fault they'll convince you, truly. You'll lose grip of who said what, when and who started this and that. Your mind becomes a scribble and the trauma leaves a gap. Once your energy is no more, they'll unhinge their fangs to find someone else. Your heart is racing, but you don't feel alive. You feel frail, wounded and dead deep inside...

19

I have truly come so far in my life. I look back and recognize the wisdom I have obtained from past mistakes. I can appreciate and truly enjoy how much learned behavior I have undone. I have a long way to go, though. I honestly didn't even realize it until I fell in love and got sober. It's hard to not want to rush my growth when I see my toxic traits affecting the people I truly love. I want to change overnight, but I know it's not like that... But I feel so ****** when I overuse "I'm Sorry." Please, hold on. I'm getting better. I hope you see it, but this is me telling you I can feel and see it internally. I'm ready for therapy... I think it will make me progress faster. I'm ready to make an appointment and go. Just like I did for my addiction. That's the next step. I have removed the crutch... Now it's time to heal the wound. If the hospital bed is my drug addiction... Then therapy is my cure.

0

Feb 16, 2023

Feb 16, 2023 at 11:27 AM UTC

Self Pep Talk

I have truly come so far in my life. I look back and recognize the wisdom I have obtained from past mistakes. I can appreciate and truly enjoy how much learned behavior I have undone. I have a long way to go, though. I honestly didn't even realize it until I fell in love and got sober. It's hard to not want to rush my growth when I see my toxic traits affecting the people I truly love. I want to change overnight, but I know it's not like that... But I feel so ****** when I overuse "I'm Sorry." Please, hold on. I'm getting better. I hope you see it, but this is me telling you I can feel and see it internally. I'm ready for therapy... I think it will make me progress faster. I'm ready to make an appointment and go. Just like I did for my addiction. That's the next step. I have removed the crutch... Now it's time to heal the wound. If the hospital bed is my drug addiction... Then therapy is my cure.

29

Tired of people [typically men] telling me to smile. Why the **** would I need you to tell me? Did you think I forgot? Let's allow all of our feelings. They exist for a reason... And I hate to admit it, but pain is when I have grown the most. I love who I'm growing into. Let's not shun the bad ones. We need them. So... ******* laugh, or get mad. Cry a river or lay in bed. Feel them all, because they are needed. Let them pass and be on their way. Don't pretend or they'll never go away... So, next time you tell me to S M I L E, how about you just get the F U C K away from me. I'd rather ***** than have you mold me into your little ******* barbie.

0

Feb 10, 2023

Feb 10, 2023 at 9:23 AM UTC

I'M FINALLY ALIVE (metaphorically, of course...)

Tired of people [typically men] telling me to smile. Why the **** would I need you to tell me? Did you think I forgot? Let's allow all of our feelings. They exist for a reason... And I hate to admit it, but pain is when I have grown the most. I love who I'm growing into. Let's not shun the bad ones. We need them. So... ******* laugh, or get mad. Cry a river or lay in bed. Feel them all, because they are needed. Let them pass and be on their way. Don't pretend or they'll never go away... So, next time you tell me to S M I L E, how about you just get the F U C K away from me. I'd rather ***** than have you mold me into your little ******* barbie.

40