Four heartbeats in one room
But I can only feel three
I strive to nourish and provide,
But who will take care of me?
Home is a four letter word,
A heartbeat and a set of eyes
But the person I have chosen
Often covers his face in disguise.
A safe haven, a place to let down my guard
But I leave my armor on
Because he reminds me constantly
That he would rather be gone.
Five feet in distance, but lightyears apart
I feel like I'm reaching for you
But you don't see me
Or you don't care to
Always wondering: what's wrong now?
Why is he mad?
Can't we just talk thing through?
Maybe then I wouldn't be so sad...
I've tried everything I can think of
To make all of this work
And I feel like you have it made
While I just get hurt.
Beaten down by your words and anger
Day by day
And I feel myself fading
My light and sparkle draining away
Because I pour and pour
All day long
But my cup is empty
And you still say I'm wrong.
There's so much damage
That's already been done
I want this to work
But I also want to run
Away from the darkness
And back to the light...
All you say is you don't care
And won't put up a fight
To save the family
That you prayed for
But this isn't good for them
And there's so much more...
More that we could be
If we BOTH wanted
We just have to be on the same page
And not take each other for granted...
I always feel like I'm last
And that you have someone else
Because you've done it countless times
With no regard to how I felt.
It's been you for me
Since the moment we met
But I can't really be all in
Because you haven't made me feel safe yet.
I'm constantly on guard, on edge
Waiting for the other shoe to fall
To leave me lonely, not just alone
With nothing and no one at all...
Sep 22, 2023
Sep 22, 2023 at 3:26 AM UTC
Two halves of a whole picture
But this one is worth a million words
Broken apart by little white lies
Growing into big black untruths
That's okay, because the big picture is still clear.
Even broken into pieces, I still don't care.
Now it's a puzzle
We all know how much I love those.
And this one will be easy because the pieces fit together perfectly. I've seen it.
Hard at work, day after day
But the harder I try the more I see
The pieces are warped and blurry
The pieces that went together seamlessly
Are mismatched and jagged. None of them fit.
This is one puzzle, one mystery I can't solve.
I hate that.
I don't quit and I don't give up.
But I don't see any other options.
The other half has changed the picture.
I don't belong there anymore.
Jan 16, 2022
Jan 16, 2022 at 11:49 PM UTC
Every day I'm haunted by the ghosts of your past
Constant whispers about how you leave so fast
The way you are so full of deceit,
That all you do is lie, manipulate and cheat.
I plug my ears and just focus on youLetting you show me exactly what is true
Mostly they're right, sometimes they're wrong
But a person can only pretend for so long.
I keep my distance, just in case
You decide to have another take my place
Or try to find something more
So you pack up your things and head for the door.
You try to assure me that's not something you'd do,
But those whispers return and have me searching for some kind of clue
Because what makes me different from the countless before?
When I've fallen and you still ignore
The title you've given to others you've deemed worthy,
But not me yet because apparently it's too early.
A year, a child, a house, a dog. A family, and situations where we both have to bend
I'm still not worthy of being called "girlfriend"
At least, not where it matters the most,
Not good enough to claim, brag about, or boast.
I feel like you're protecting someone else, someone you'd rather be with
I've heard you always entertain more than one person, or is that a myth?
I can't figure out any other reason, because my feelings are at stake.
And the one thing I know you're not is fake.
But why make me wonder and make me feel like a fool
Begging for your affection and... I know there's no set rule...
But I need some reassurance, some sort of definition of us, to feel more secure
To make it less easy for you to walk out of that door
Oct 31, 2021
Oct 31, 2021 at 1:50 AM UTC
I've done nothing but follow your lead.
I never asked for anything;
"Let's move in together" you said.
I was shocked and scared
But the more I thought about it,
The more I fell in love with the idea of our family,
With an additional piece of you to mix in.
A three bedroom house, we decided
So the kids could have their space.
I never knew what to expect for us.
You never told me.
In the course of a second the walls of our house came crashing down,
All my planning and ideas turned to ashes
Along with any trust I had in you.
How am I supposed to adjust when I feel like I lost everything on the blink an eye.
You try to lead me where we're going,
But I can't believe you. I won't follow.
You have to build from the foundation.
It's almost like you're holding your hand out, reaching for a high five
And you leave your hand there for so long,
Then, when I finally reach for you, you move away.
So, I stretch.
But I'm wearing myself too thin.
I beg for basic consideration,
To be met by indifference
I beg for affection
To get rejection.
I beg for communication
To get silence.
It hurts that I've let myself fall this far,
When I promised I never would again.
So I'll go if that's what you want.
I'll retreat so far into myself you won't know where to find me.
And then maybe in my indifference, my rejection, and my silence...you'll listen.
May 27, 2021
May 27, 2021 at 3:37 AM UTC
I guess, as usual, it's shame on me
Cataracts blurred my vision but now it's easy to see
You never cared about my feelings at all
You just keep blowing smoke and standing tall
While I'm crumbling beneath the weight of the world,
Trying to deal with this crazy hand I've been hurled.
I feel like I'm holding on to a frayed rope
Clinging to any little bit of hope
That I can see in your words, but barely in your eyes
I pick through each letter, trying to detect lies.
Are the words on your lips and fingertips truly in your heart?
I overthink until I'm sick and it's tearing me apart
I don't think I believe you, I don't know if I can
But everything is backwards, and I don't have a plan.
I feel like I knew you better when we first met
But now you're like a stranger that I don't know yet...
I know I'm holding my arms out, trying to keep you at bay,
I don't know why I bother, when you're a million miles away.
I've laid myself bare, just trying to make you see
But it seems like I'm invisible and you look right through me.
Or you do see, and you choose to ignore
Waiting for something better while I hold open door.
My words of want and need fall on deaf ears,
For you won't stop talking long enough to let the smoke clear
You've been calling the shots while you have your fun,
I've been plucking flower petals, waiting you to be done.
He wants me, he wants me not.
I twist the stems, forming a knot
Tied together just like the rest of our lives,
No time to relax, forced to take things in strides
"You're stuck with me, like glue" you say
I half smile and nod while my thoughts drift away
To an undeniable truth that "glued things" touch.
I've never been good at asking, but I don't think affection is too much.
Holding hands, a hug, a kiss
Things we used to always do, but now we are remiss.
How can we possibly build when we've taken steps back?
No part of this rollercoaster has ever been on track.
It's all spiraling and spinning out of control
All of this whiplash is really taking a toll
On my spirit and on my brain,
Some days I feel like I'm going insane.
I have so much I need to say to you,
I've tried being subtle, but you don't have a clue.
Or, you aren't bothered that my mind is always buzzing
And keep neglecting me, leaving sweet nothings
Like a trail of breadcrumbs on my ears leading me nowhere
Leaving me stranded alone with nothing but a prayer
That one day you'll change your mind
And realize that I'm not easy to find
That this is real, and this is fate
I just hope you don't make your mind up too late...
May 8, 2021
May 8, 2021 at 4:05 AM UTC
You're playing tug of war with my heartstrings
And the cords are wearing thin
When I am with you my heart grows wings,
But this is the hardest place I've ever been.
One moment everything is right side up
The next it's all upside down
Some days I'm beautiful without makeup,
And others I'm the clown.
I am not made of glass, I was created in stone
I won't shatter, but I can break
Glued back together one too many times so the crack aren't shown.
I can't let you see the broken, so I cover up the ache
Of how much it hurts that you keep me hidden
Because I've done that to myself countless times,
I've never been one to take what isn't given
But I don't want to settle for what I don't deserve sometimes.
I'm constantly being pulled this way and that
My mind is always racing, keeping me wide awake
Caught between standing up for myself or laying down flat.
I feel like there's so much at stake...
From butterflies to footprints,
Long goodbyes to a quick nod
From loud and clear to subtle hints
All while believing this was an act of God
Everything feels backwards, like a time warp through space
I keep trying to find a place to get a grip,
But it's all out of place
And my hands are starting to slip...
Will you stand there and watch me fall
Or hold on tight and let me in?
I think we can make it through it all,
Forever connected by our miracle within.
But how will things turn out?
Something I wish I knew
I have faith that things will come about
The way that they were always meant to.
And everything will be just fine...
Apr 3, 2021
Apr 3, 2021 at 1:21 PM UTC
"Can I have this dance?"
I take your hand and follow you to the dance floor.
We begin. Moving gracefully at first,
Every twist and turn comes with ease.
A turn and suddenly, a misstep.
I turn back to you, confused.
We're on the same dance floor, only now I can't hear the music.
But you can.
I try to lock eyes with you, attempting to feel your next moves.
But you aren't looking at me, and your hands feel like air in mine.
I am completely at your mercy.
I plead with my eyes to make you understand that I'm lost.
I ask for clarity, but the words get lost between my lips.
You push and pull me from side to side,
No warning, no clue as to where I'll go next.
In between dips and turns, we go back to a simple pattern.
Flawless, fluid, in sync.
Then the music changes and you adjust
I stumble and feel your arms steady me, then spin me around.
My head pounds from the whiplash.
Now we're clumsy, awkward, disjunct.
I look up to see an empty dance floor.
With you still leading me through a blind dance.
I go along with the back and forth, the fluid and clumsy.
Because what can I do on an endless floor with no music and no direction.
Feb 5, 2021
Feb 5, 2021 at 10:06 AM UTC
I have this vision
Everytime I look out my window,
I see you walking toward me.
A wide smile and a twinkle in your eye
But with a blink and a shake of my head,
You're gone.
When I wake up in the morning,
There are a few moments that I think you're next to me, that all of this was just a dream.
But in time the haze wears off and I remember that the dream was you.
In one kiss I could see our whole life;
A house. Babies. Puppies. Endless love. But with a blink, it's gone.
You took a part of me when you left,
A part of me I didn't even know I had.
Now the vision has changed to you showing up unannounced with a speech just for me.
You take me in your arms and I feel like I'm home again.
I have a future again. With you.
But, with a blink of an eye, you're gone.
Jan 28, 2021
Jan 28, 2021 at 6:25 PM UTC
A smirk, a head rush, and a heart flutter.
My mind races like the water running past our feet.
How do you make me melt with just one glance?
Maybe it was the romance of it all;
The stars shining, the warm summer breeze, the river, and the stale hint of nicotine mixed with the sweet smell of the water that layed out before us.
You lured me in with that first cigarette kiss, allowing me to dip my toes in before dragging me under.
"I need to make you mine" you said. And you did.
I didn't realize that being yours meant that you belonged to someone-everyone-else.
Anyone but me.
You strike a match to burn my hopes the way your lips and fingertips branded my skin.
"I like you a lot" you whispered, your eyes locked on mine, making me believe you.
But we all know how good you are at blowing smoke.
Jul 22, 2020
Jul 22, 2020 at 9:50 PM UTC
I'm 131 ideas south of good.
Winding down the lamp lit highway,
The lights sparkling in the dark like the Pearl necklaces you gave me every time we met.
Your lips tasted of coffee, your kiss as warm and as welcome in the Winter air,
But your indifference clings to me like a chilly second skin.
Me longing to mean something is what you find Fault In.
You scrape the surface of me, but there is so much more underneath
Shaking and awaiting your firm yet gentle exploration...
You look, you admire, and you walk away.
I remain motionless until The very Bitter End.
Jul 22, 2020
Jul 22, 2020 at 9:49 PM UTC