I sit here with tears running down my face and wonder where in life is my place
I always feel ugly and sad; it seems everyone's always so mad
these feelings I feel won't let me sleep and desperate thoughts in my mind creep
I always feel utterly alone even surrounded by family at home
it'll get better as the years go by is what people say without blinking an eye
but years to wait it wasn't I have it's the time now that is so bad
my mind just won't give me what I crave and that is holding my head up and being brave
thoughts of despair is what I feel; sometimes this life doesn't seem real
there are days I just want to curl up and die and I can never seem to explain why
why can't I hide from this world I'm in; who cares if ending it is a sin
I don't care, not if it ends my pain, at least it would end all the feelings of shame
my friends and family say it's not true and that growing up is hard to do
they say that all these things I'm feeling will pass, but my life feels like shattered glass
shards and pieces I can't fit together it just feels like it will last forever
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong and like everything I do is wrong
I just wish I wouldn't feel like this; these emotions aren't something I would miss
I feel like everything I do is wrong and the list of what's not right is long
I'm not good enough is what I tell myself, like the Velveteen Rabbit stuck on shelf
I'm ugly, I'm fat, nobody cares, and I know people whisper and stare
I walk through the halls all week at school and wonder what I've done to make them so cruel
I guess in the end I'll just keep pushing on and maybe someday I'll learn to be strong
then with just of touch of sass, I'll tell all those haters to KISS MY ***
Apr 24, 2014
Apr 24, 2014 at 9:37 AM UTC
i always feel like i don't belong
even when i'm told i'm wrong
the people that call me dumb and fat
won't even stop to say hi and chat
they will never know about the real me
or wonder what i hear and see
you assume because i'm bigger than most
that i also don't have a brain to boast
that's because it's all locked inside
it's an amazing place with a lot to hide
in my head i can be anyone
and all i really want is to have some fun
to be skinny like you is my passion
but i don't want to be empty of compassion
when i look in the mirror you know what i see
i see an ugly person staring back at me
the misconceptions of people around
is what causes these thoughts abound
i started to believe your words long ago
even though my friends told me no
no one ever thought i was good looking and smart
there's so many people without a heart
sometimes i just want to curl up and die
even though i shouldn't believe your lies
what's your purpose for causing such pain
is there really something you look to gain
did you ever think to know the real me
or are you just afraid of who you'd see
someone who has thoughts and feelings, too
or a person as mean and hurtful as you
my true friends know my inner self
the ones who know i'll always help
i sit and listen when they need an ear
they are the ones that see me clear
why do you have to act so mean and hateful
weren't you taught how to be shameful
why can't you try to see the real me
instead of being the bully everyone sees
Apr 19, 2014
Apr 19, 2014 at 8:53 AM UTC
Mama,
Today I'm heartbroken beyond belief, it's the day that you decided to leave. Yes, I know that you 'left' long ago, but today's the day your body let go. The pain I feel makes me not breathe, the relief makes me want to scream. I just feel so terrible, so twisted in two, I'm really not knowing what to do. I really shouldn't feel immense relief while the tears are flowing down my cheeks. Your mind wasn't here for, oh, so long, but the hope you'd know me kept me strong. Now you're gone, for real this time, and all I want to is cry. The weight of you not knowing me has lifted and I am now free. You're free of not knowing who you see especially when I wish it was me. Do you now remember the Christmas songs? You had forgotten for so long. The hymns you loved, we played for you. We just didn't know what to do. I wish you would've shown some recognition, but I know that's rare with your condition. Mama, why'd you have to die without seeing ME and remembering how it used to be. Alzheimer's took your intelligence and quick wit and the love you had for us with it. No more days of having fun, almost like when clouds take the sun. You lived in a fog and couldn't quite grasp who we were, you were stuck in the past. I feel such guilt for the relief in my heart and the grief I feel is tearing me apart. I'm so confused with my conflicting emotions, but I hope you know of my devotion. I was staying by you for as long as it took, for God to finally stop and look. For Him to show up and take pity on you and decide to end what we've all gone through. I told you before you're my mama, mother, mommy, friend, and now you know I stuck by to the bittersweet end. I will love you forever my beautiful mama.
Mar 24, 2014
Mar 24, 2014 at 9:40 AM UTC
My Prince Charming has turned into an ugly, old toad,
but that’s what happens when you choose this road.
The road so traveled by all the toads before;
makes me wonder what you see at the ****** door.
I would think by now it would be rotten and smell,
but that’s not where my thoughts will dwell.
Why are they always uglier than me?
It can’t be because you like what you see.
Is it because the ****** like to drink beer?
Or is it because they’ll **** on your spear?
You’d think by now all of you would have warts.
You know the kind that stays in your shorts.
You think you’re so handsome, have you looked in the mirror?
One day soon they won’t let you get nearer.
But by then you will not make me cry
and they’ll look like they were put up wet to dry.
They may be younger but you keep getting older.
What will you do when you get the cold shoulder?
What will they do when you run out of money?
I bet they won’t think that it’s very funny.
Or how about when the pills are all done?
I bet a fight will be caused over that one.
Nothing like pill-head ****** to ***** around with.
To get them drunk, does it take a fifth?
An eight ball of coke, that ought to do it.
When it’s all gone I bet you don’t get in it.
I may have been with you through thick and thin,
but I ain’t touching that warty skin.
We did have magic for so many years,
but that was before the coke and beer.
One day I’ll see you all and grin.
For you’ll have caught the clap: what a payback for sins.
Mar 22, 2014
Mar 22, 2014 at 10:22 PM UTC
If I died tomorrow
Would you even care
Would you shake your fist up at God
And say this isn’t fair
Or would you just walk away
And go out with your buddies
Drinking, partying and laughing it up
Thinking it was funny
Would you even miss me
Just a little bit
Or would you just remember
How you thought I was a *****
If I died tomorrow
Would tears fall from your eyes
Would you think of me with a smile
Or with a mournful sigh
Or would you just be thankful
I was finally gone
And forget that you once thought
I was the only one
Would you remember when you asked
If you could marry me
Or would you be extremely happy
That you were actually free
If I died tomorrow
Would you miss my love for you
Or would you just jump for joy
That we were finally through
Mar 22, 2014
Mar 22, 2014 at 10:17 PM UTC
He didn’t come home
again last night
And then he wondered
what started the fight
You’re 44 not 24
is what I said
His nonchalance had me
seeing red
I finally decided
on what to say
I believe in my analogy
to this day
I’m like Budweiser
just like your beer
This is definitely not
what he wanted to hear
You stray away
from your tried and true
But always come back
to the red, white, and blue
Other flavors tease
your senses
And you always want
the other side of fences
But in the end
you always come back
Come back home
to your reliable sack
When will you realize
it’s not always better
I know who you are
right down to the letter
You’d think at your age
this point in your life
You’d know by now
they aren’t your wife
What will you do
when I’m finally done
When I pack up the truck,
the kids, and run
Would you miss us
just a little bit
Or would you give up
throw in the towel, just quit
Knowing you, you wouldn’t
let us go
Even though you
chase after hoes
I’m so tired of this life
that I now have to live
It will soon be time to take back
my love I so freely give
Mar 22, 2014
Mar 22, 2014 at 10:13 PM UTC
She was sitting on a bag of dog food in the garage
listening to her Mommy and Daddy argue
She could hear the tears in their voices
as they were yelling about Daddy leaving
She couldn’t understand why he would go
Daddy walked out the door with tears in his eyes
he stared at her with a look of sheer terror
As he realized she had just heard everything
he understood he would have to explain
To her that it had nothing to do with her
She felt her chest growing tighter with each breath
too afraid to say a word, yet wanting to ask why
Not understanding really at all what was happening
but knowing her Daddy moving out
And wouldn’t be living with them any longer
He walked over and sat down beside her
he gazed at the ground trying to decide
How to tell his precious daughter
that he had to leave her and Jimmy
And would see them only on weekends now
She looked so scared sitting there wondering why
her Daddy had to go and leave them behind
It had to be really bad for him to go
maybe her or Jimmy had been too bad
She couldn’t remember anything that wrong
He didn’t think this would be so hard
to tell his Princess he had to leave
That he couldn’t tuck them in at night
or scare the Boogieman away
Or hug and kiss them every day
As Daddy started to explain to her
that Mommy and him just couldn’t be together
She was wondering how long it would be
before they saw him again
And where he would live
He was telling her they would stay with him
at Grammy’s house and it would be fun
That after a while it wouldn’t hurt so badly
and that Jimmy and her would grow to like it
And wouldn’t cry or miss him so much
She looked around and wondered why
Mommy wasn’t out here, too
Shouldn’t Mommy be telling her it would be okay?
and that she would take care of them
Why was Daddy the only one out here crying?
Daddy’s heart was breaking at the look on her face
he never thought he would have to tell his daughter
His beautiful eight year old little girl about divorce
the tears started rolling down his face
As he hugged her close and said Good Bye
Mar 22, 2014
Mar 22, 2014 at 10:06 PM UTC
The sun is shimmering on the trees
as the wind whispers through the remaining leaves
The limbs wave back and forth
as if saying good-bye to a summer soon forgotten
The leaves hold on by a stem
until it breaks away and they flutter around in the air
Looking like large raindrops falling to the ground
where they tumble rampantly across the field
As if a puppy let outside to play
the leaves then lay still for a moment
Until the breeze catches them again
seemingly in a never ending game of tag
If you hurry, you can rake them in a pile
jumping, screaming in glee as you land in them
Or just stand still with your face to the sky
watching as they flip flop in the wafting air
In a kaleidoscope of red, oranges, and yellows
As you revel in the beauty of Autumn
Mar 22, 2014
Mar 22, 2014 at 10:03 PM UTC
People held close
But yet as carefree as the wind
Such as a family
A place to call home
Where you feel the love
As if nothing will change
Yet all must change
A door to close
And leave behind love
Like a clock you wind too tightly
Can come apart when you leave home
But you always know you have family
Those gone are still family
But they chose to change
Nevermore to come home
The family bond is no longer close
Like dust on the wind
All gone even the love
It will come back, the love
And once again be a family
Like seasons changing with the wind
Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but change
Those you love don’t always stay close
But we all have a place we can call home
There’s nothing like going home
Surrounded by people you love
The ones that are always close
Your family
Death is the only change
Then they are butterflies dancing in the wind
The feathers of the wind
Gone but it is still home
As if nothing ever will change
Forever feeling the love
Not far from my mind, my family
So far away, but so close
It’s nice to go home even with the wind
Of change, for the love
Of family always keeps you close
Mar 22, 2014
Mar 22, 2014 at 9:59 PM UTC
You make an announcement
To your family and friends
Meetings with the preacher
Seem never-ending
No big deal or celebration
Just a trip to the courthouse
To sign the papers
Two rings, two hearts
A few words from the judge
And you’re done
Everyone shakes hands
You came as a couple
But leave alone
Mar 22, 2014
Mar 22, 2014 at 9:57 PM UTC