catalina-h-gonzalez - Hello Poetry

I'm thinking about lying in bed with you Naked and I am bare I am holding onto nothing You no longer exist We don't talk I wish you'd grow up Let's keep in touch You're no friend of mine We can never go back to holding hands

0

Sep 8, 2015

Sep 8, 2015 at 1:16 PM UTC

Nothing

I'm thinking about lying in bed with you Naked and I am bare I am holding onto nothing You no longer exist We don't talk I wish you'd grow up Let's keep in touch You're no friend of mine We can never go back to holding hands

9

Imagine if I could actually count all the times I told you I was sober when I wasn’t Think of how many lies I have told And I wonder tonight where my heart is This is not supposed to be unfelt This numbness in me is a weight I cannot get off my shoulders I should be crying Feeling Moving and perhaps just a little upset Or sad But instead I have this straight face that shows the world I fear nothing And truthfully, I do not know what I do Nothing makes me cry I do not feel anything but Disgust Anger Annoyed Where is my mind?

0

Sep 8, 2015

Sep 8, 2015 at 12:56 AM UTC

React to me

Imagine if I could actually count all the times I told you I was sober when I wasn’t Think of how many lies I have told And I wonder tonight where my heart is This is not supposed to be unfelt This numbness in me is a weight I cannot get off my shoulders I should be crying Feeling Moving and perhaps just a little upset Or sad But instead I have this straight face that shows the world I fear nothing And truthfully, I do not know what I do Nothing makes me cry I do not feel anything but Disgust Anger Annoyed Where is my mind?

17

They are merely figments of my imagination, and yet, they are my greatest fears; the threats, the ultimatums, my dependencies, and potentially finding someone who can steal my heart just as easily as they can abandon me. I don’t have dreams, I have nightmares. Perhaps, my mind knows better than to allow me to think about life in an optimistic way. I suspect being afraid of reality is what saves me every day from killing myself, ironically enough. I wondered how it is I abstain from acting out all my impulses. Today, I’m well aware of the underlying reason as to why this is. I’ve seen the possible outcomes of every one of my beloved fantasies I wish to fulfill; I’m not amused. I’ve lost everything in my revelations, from my pride to the roof over my head. Never will I forget the feeling of isolation. Nor shall I forget how degrading it felt to be naked in front of people I’d rather **** than take abuse from. Being vulnerable made me feel absolutely pathetic. I was defeated. With that said, I won’t allow anyone inside my comfort zone, not after the experiences my imagination forced upon me. I was shown what I will wither away into if I don’t stand up for myself, and in this society. I’ll be trampled if I stop moving. Independence is the key to success and freedom. Without the two, everything I’ve ever known will perish before my broken eyes regardless of the path I choose to walk. People can only endure so much and eventually, they have to leave. I understand these chances are my last. In addition to being left behind, the ones I lean on hand me more responsibilities that I must learn to manage myself, though the opportunity to master each difficulty was presented a while back. I was just too arrogant to recognize help was being offered. In this process, deadlines become imminent. Finally, the excruciating pain I experienced watching someone I perceived as my foundation, my future, everything admirable I lack, turn their back and walk away from me for the very last time was too much to cope with. It was worse than consuming poison and simultaneously being drowned to death. There was no opposition coming out of my mouth because dreams nor nightmares fail to allow anything to happen in your favor. I wouldn’t wish for any enemy of mine to lose the love of their life. It is awful and honestly, they’d be better off dead. These nightmares inflict both terror and insight in me. A combination such as this can only do you good. A healthy, inner restriction and a release when appropriate can take you further than expected. My dreams are nightmares for a wise reason. They instill my judgments, shaping my future and preventing me from ruining everything by digging out my curiosity in dangerous actions. Nightmares make true life adorable in comparison to a racing thought formed in a deep slumber.

0

Sep 5, 2015

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:47 AM UTC

Might as well have slit my throat

They are merely figments of my imagination, and yet, they are my greatest fears; the threats, the ultimatums, my dependencies, and potentially finding someone who can steal my heart just as easily as they can abandon me. I don’t have dreams, I have nightmares. Perhaps, my mind knows better than to allow me to think about life in an optimistic way. I suspect being afraid of reality is what saves me every day from killing myself, ironically enough. I wondered how it is I abstain from acting out all my impulses. Today, I’m well aware of the underlying reason as to why this is. I’ve seen the possible outcomes of every one of my beloved fantasies I wish to fulfill; I’m not amused. I’ve lost everything in my revelations, from my pride to the roof over my head. Never will I forget the feeling of isolation. Nor shall I forget how degrading it felt to be naked in front of people I’d rather **** than take abuse from. Being vulnerable made me feel absolutely pathetic. I was defeated. With that said, I won’t allow anyone inside my comfort zone, not after the experiences my imagination forced upon me. I was shown what I will wither away into if I don’t stand up for myself, and in this society. I’ll be trampled if I stop moving. Independence is the key to success and freedom. Without the two, everything I’ve ever known will perish before my broken eyes regardless of the path I choose to walk. People can only endure so much and eventually, they have to leave. I understand these chances are my last. In addition to being left behind, the ones I lean on hand me more responsibilities that I must learn to manage myself, though the opportunity to master each difficulty was presented a while back. I was just too arrogant to recognize help was being offered. In this process, deadlines become imminent. Finally, the excruciating pain I experienced watching someone I perceived as my foundation, my future, everything admirable I lack, turn their back and walk away from me for the very last time was too much to cope with. It was worse than consuming poison and simultaneously being drowned to death. There was no opposition coming out of my mouth because dreams nor nightmares fail to allow anything to happen in your favor. I wouldn’t wish for any enemy of mine to lose the love of their life. It is awful and honestly, they’d be better off dead. These nightmares inflict both terror and insight in me. A combination such as this can only do you good. A healthy, inner restriction and a release when appropriate can take you further than expected. My dreams are nightmares for a wise reason. They instill my judgments, shaping my future and preventing me from ruining everything by digging out my curiosity in dangerous actions. Nightmares make true life adorable in comparison to a racing thought formed in a deep slumber.

30

I don’t believe it, You aren’t protecting me. How can you tell me how much you love me? When you can’t defend me You lied to me You said nothing would ever hurt me as long as I had you I don’t think you’re mine anymore You went back on your word, and I didn’t like that I’m crazy, so lost And I depended on you to show me what reality is I suppose you did that… to some extent. I’m upset with you I’m laughing at you I’m thinking about leaving you

0

Sep 5, 2015

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:39 AM UTC

For you

I don’t believe it, You aren’t protecting me. How can you tell me how much you love me? When you can’t defend me You lied to me You said nothing would ever hurt me as long as I had you I don’t think you’re mine anymore You went back on your word, and I didn’t like that I’m crazy, so lost And I depended on you to show me what reality is I suppose you did that… to some extent. I’m upset with you I’m laughing at you I’m thinking about leaving you

14

I don’t know if I’m hurting, I couldn’t quite decide I want to cry but I’d rather not smear my mascara I want to tell you off, scream at you about how wrong you are Wrong, wrong, wrong I don’t want to love you anymore than I do I want to forget you so very desperately Things could be simple If only you’d go away

0

Sep 5, 2015

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:36 AM UTC

When I first grew a brain

I don’t know if I’m hurting, I couldn’t quite decide I want to cry but I’d rather not smear my mascara I want to tell you off, scream at you about how wrong you are Wrong, wrong, wrong I don’t want to love you anymore than I do I want to forget you so very desperately Things could be simple If only you’d go away

8

All that I hear are the violins Oh, the sound I feel everything stop and slowly pick up speed but not enough when I hear the most beautiful vibrato I look up at the moon every night it is full or almost And when I do all the voices rush into me The slander doesn’t belong with me Not when I feel this good But here it is I wonder if I will or already am used to it I let myself feel the ******* pain and cut deeper Except There is no wound and there is all the more noise And it never seems to stop I just see night and I cry so hard My chest has bruises For my heart has found a way to let me know it exists I’ve never been so aware in my entire being Love is not a myth

0

Sep 5, 2015

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:35 AM UTC

Once upon the inevitable

All that I hear are the violins Oh, the sound I feel everything stop and slowly pick up speed but not enough when I hear the most beautiful vibrato I look up at the moon every night it is full or almost And when I do all the voices rush into me The slander doesn’t belong with me Not when I feel this good But here it is I wonder if I will or already am used to it I let myself feel the ******* pain and cut deeper Except There is no wound and there is all the more noise And it never seems to stop I just see night and I cry so hard My chest has bruises For my heart has found a way to let me know it exists I’ve never been so aware in my entire being Love is not a myth

18

I wish I wasn’t myself Maybe then he would love me I wish my head didn’t make my mouth lose control If I could speak in such a way he wanted to listen to I would But I don’t know how I lost my voice

0

Sep 5, 2015

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:29 AM UTC

No. 16

I wish I wasn’t myself Maybe then he would love me I wish my head didn’t make my mouth lose control If I could speak in such a way he wanted to listen to I would But I don’t know how I lost my voice

7

The suspense is tearing my stomach apart and My acid unsettling in me I don’t know what I will do if he goes I think I would cry And die This anxiety is pounding and hunting me down I can’t seem to escape and how much faster I can’t run is starting to scare me I can’t breathe!!!! I feel a weakness in my body and it’s safe to say that I think I’m going to collapse!!! I think I fear I hear Love me But you leave Potentially What do you mean? Are you staying with me? Stay stay I will make it worth your while I promise But don’t drag me by my hair and don’t scrape my skin anymore I’m porcelain and very delicate

0

Sep 5, 2015

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:28 AM UTC

What manipulation feels like

The suspense is tearing my stomach apart and My acid unsettling in me I don’t know what I will do if he goes I think I would cry And die This anxiety is pounding and hunting me down I can’t seem to escape and how much faster I can’t run is starting to scare me I can’t breathe!!!! I feel a weakness in my body and it’s safe to say that I think I’m going to collapse!!! I think I fear I hear Love me But you leave Potentially What do you mean? Are you staying with me? Stay stay I will make it worth your while I promise But don’t drag me by my hair and don’t scrape my skin anymore I’m porcelain and very delicate

19

I actually found someone I prefer more than The xan I would rather remember the time I spend on him I want to feel every touch and breath he gives me He addicts me more than This xan When I’m incoherent and don’t understand the world for a few hours When I’m so weak And so useless So dumb He keeps the danger away and I’m safe in his arms and The xan never gave a **** about me It made me stop thinking But it also made me stop caring About everything and everyone But him He was stronger than The xan He never ruined me And the xan sure did I can turn away from it now But him, I can’t I used to dance with little white, yellow, and green bars in my butterfly filled stomach Until I lost my balance and That xan Did me so wrong But he Only wanted to help and I fell in love with that In love with him His I didn’t want to belong to the xan I wanted to die by the xan Except now, he made me love this life Made me realize that I can Without the xan My boyfriend tastes better Makes me feel better Takes care of me better Than Any kind of xan I Could ever find

0

Sep 5, 2015

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:26 AM UTC

Now my ex-boyfriend

I actually found someone I prefer more than The xan I would rather remember the time I spend on him I want to feel every touch and breath he gives me He addicts me more than This xan When I’m incoherent and don’t understand the world for a few hours When I’m so weak And so useless So dumb He keeps the danger away and I’m safe in his arms and The xan never gave a **** about me It made me stop thinking But it also made me stop caring About everything and everyone But him He was stronger than The xan He never ruined me And the xan sure did I can turn away from it now But him, I can’t I used to dance with little white, yellow, and green bars in my butterfly filled stomach Until I lost my balance and That xan Did me so wrong But he Only wanted to help and I fell in love with that In love with him His I didn’t want to belong to the xan I wanted to die by the xan Except now, he made me love this life Made me realize that I can Without the xan My boyfriend tastes better Makes me feel better Takes care of me better Than Any kind of xan I Could ever find

41

I feel the loneliest I’ve ever felt I’m realizing that, I have hardly any friends. I’m realizing that I made him my life. I made him my world. And all I had to give, My love and trust and hope and desire, He holds now in his heart. And I wonder if there is any room for me left when his ego takes up most of the room. I feel sad and like crying. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I can’t stop thinking about him. Everyone I know hates me, or nearly. Because of him. They hate my decisions. I don’t understand why I’m so in love with someone who hurts me so. But I’m on some sort of destructive path and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand being alone. I can’t stand not seeing him every day and every morning, kissing him good morning, kissing him goodnight. Him holding me in bed. Him calling me baby and kissing me with his beautiful lips that I love so much. His breath, I love the smell. I have his Beatles shirt and his boxers and I just want to keep it. I wish it smelled more like him than it did me. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how I could let another touch me how he did. How could I ever love again? He was supposed to be my husband. He was supposed to be the father of our children when we grew up. My heart is broken and I am shattered to pieces.

0

Sep 5, 2015

Sep 5, 2015 at 1:20 AM UTC

Throwing it all away for someone I used to know

I feel the loneliest I’ve ever felt I’m realizing that, I have hardly any friends. I’m realizing that I made him my life. I made him my world. And all I had to give, My love and trust and hope and desire, He holds now in his heart. And I wonder if there is any room for me left when his ego takes up most of the room. I feel sad and like crying. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I can’t stop thinking about him. Everyone I know hates me, or nearly. Because of him. They hate my decisions. I don’t understand why I’m so in love with someone who hurts me so. But I’m on some sort of destructive path and I can’t stand it. I can’t stand being alone. I can’t stand not seeing him every day and every morning, kissing him good morning, kissing him goodnight. Him holding me in bed. Him calling me baby and kissing me with his beautiful lips that I love so much. His breath, I love the smell. I have his Beatles shirt and his boxers and I just want to keep it. I wish it smelled more like him than it did me. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how I could let another touch me how he did. How could I ever love again? He was supposed to be my husband. He was supposed to be the father of our children when we grew up. My heart is broken and I am shattered to pieces.

5