caroline-stradley - Hello Poetry

I don't know who I want to be I go to Target to pick out new identities try them on in a humid fitting room try not to pop the seams before I buy try to peel them off when they don't fit just right The ones I fall in love with are always out of stock Or only available at the high end up the block

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Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 6:13 AM UTC

Identities (4/13/2022)

I don't know who I want to be I go to Target to pick out new identities try them on in a humid fitting room try not to pop the seams before I buy try to peel them off when they don't fit just right The ones I fall in love with are always out of stock Or only available at the high end up the block

7

Sometimes I think that my depression has me in a chokehold so I pull off its mask only to find that it's been rage with no place to go Where do you put rage that sneaks up on you? Do you put it in a flowerpot only to wilt the calla lilies that it touches? Do you put it in a collar and leash only for it to lunge at the first stranger to approach too quickly? Do you hold it between your teeth so that it slowly dissolves on your own tongue until every strawberry tastes like grape leaves? Maybe I'll just file it away on the top shelf where I keep my winter coats in Texas. Then, years from now, when I pack up to move to the mountains, it will topple over and smother me. Maybe then I'll finally leave it behind in the pile of things too broken to donate to Goodwill.

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Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 6:09 AM UTC

Don't Feel Like Being Mad Anymore (3/16/2022)

Sometimes I think that my depression has me in a chokehold so I pull off its mask only to find that it's been rage with no place to go Where do you put rage that sneaks up on you? Do you put it in a flowerpot only to wilt the calla lilies that it touches? Do you put it in a collar and leash only for it to lunge at the first stranger to approach too quickly? Do you hold it between your teeth so that it slowly dissolves on your own tongue until every strawberry tastes like grape leaves? Maybe I'll just file it away on the top shelf where I keep my winter coats in Texas. Then, years from now, when I pack up to move to the mountains, it will topple over and smother me. Maybe then I'll finally leave it behind in the pile of things too broken to donate to Goodwill.

11

My toes are numb And I can't breathe through my nose And I can't wait to get home And crawl under my grandma's quilt And feel your skin against mine Warming me up from the inside You walk your fingers along the peaks and valleys of my frame And inside my brain I am pouring like water from a glass that you tip to your lips If you're going to drink me in then I only hope That you will love my body in all the ways I've never been able to Worship where I've condemned Hold what I have rejected Kiss where I have cut Heal where I have bruised Be a friend to the thing I named my enemy This thing I live in, yet keep separate from me

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Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 6:01 AM UTC

My Body (2/2/2022)

My toes are numb And I can't breathe through my nose And I can't wait to get home And crawl under my grandma's quilt And feel your skin against mine Warming me up from the inside You walk your fingers along the peaks and valleys of my frame And inside my brain I am pouring like water from a glass that you tip to your lips If you're going to drink me in then I only hope That you will love my body in all the ways I've never been able to Worship where I've condemned Hold what I have rejected Kiss where I have cut Heal where I have bruised Be a friend to the thing I named my enemy This thing I live in, yet keep separate from me

17

I should be happy Today was a good day like objectively a good day like, on paper, a good day I should be happy Today good things happened better things than yesterday or last week or last month or the last 6 months I should be happy But why do I feel like I'm moving my feet through water just to slow them down? Like I'm looking through cotton just to see where I'm going Like I'm laughing to prove my smile is bigger than it is Like even breathing is made harder by the sheet over my lips parachuting into my mouth with every breath. I swear I should be happy

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Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 5:56 AM UTC

I Should Be Happy (November 2021)

I should be happy Today was a good day like objectively a good day like, on paper, a good day I should be happy Today good things happened better things than yesterday or last week or last month or the last 6 months I should be happy But why do I feel like I'm moving my feet through water just to slow them down? Like I'm looking through cotton just to see where I'm going Like I'm laughing to prove my smile is bigger than it is Like even breathing is made harder by the sheet over my lips parachuting into my mouth with every breath. I swear I should be happy

18

The polka-dotted sidewalk, beginnings of a rain-soaked street The dampness of my socks means that my last pair of shoes have finally given out and left a hole in my soul My gas light came on yesterday morning, so the wet socks will have to do, as I make my way to you Eyes, then hands, then lips meet Words pour, but I stop them short Mental faucet, won't say more The tap is too hot, and it always tastes the same Pass it to you, I only play the game But you see as I hide my ***** storm You say "Don't cool off. I like your warmth"

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Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 5:51 AM UTC

Don't Cool Off (September - 2021)

The polka-dotted sidewalk, beginnings of a rain-soaked street The dampness of my socks means that my last pair of shoes have finally given out and left a hole in my soul My gas light came on yesterday morning, so the wet socks will have to do, as I make my way to you Eyes, then hands, then lips meet Words pour, but I stop them short Mental faucet, won't say more The tap is too hot, and it always tastes the same Pass it to you, I only play the game But you see as I hide my ***** storm You say "Don't cool off. I like your warmth"

11

"How was your day?" He asks. "Up and down," I say. "How about yours?" He goes on to write me a paragraph about how he hit traffic on the way to work and then work was fine but he had to do some extra cleaning to make up for his coworker showing up late and then he went home and did his volunteer work and his roommate's cat did something cute. Then he stops. I respond to each part of his recap. I'm glad he told me and I'm happy to listen. But I don't say "Aren't you going to ask me to elaborate?" I don't say "I set you up to ask me again." I don't say "Don't you care about why my day was 'up and down'?" I don't say this because then he would ask me again. But I don't want him to ask me again because I asked him to ask me. I just want him to ask me. I know he already asked me. I don't know why, but I need him to ask me twice. Blame it on the way I was raised. Blame it on him not knowing how to have a conversation. I didn't even know this was bugging me until I was writing this down. We never have conversations. We both just make comments and then return to silence. He doesn't know how to ask questions And I won't allow myself to say anything unless directly requested. So I leave my hints and he doesn't take them. I make my jokes, and he just chuckles like he's trying make a bad comedian feel better. He asks me how my day was and I say it was up and down and he doesn't ask me what happened. I know he meant that in the first question. I don't know why I need to be asked twice.

0

Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 5:47 AM UTC

Twice (September - 2021)

"How was your day?" He asks. "Up and down," I say. "How about yours?" He goes on to write me a paragraph about how he hit traffic on the way to work and then work was fine but he had to do some extra cleaning to make up for his coworker showing up late and then he went home and did his volunteer work and his roommate's cat did something cute. Then he stops. I respond to each part of his recap. I'm glad he told me and I'm happy to listen. But I don't say "Aren't you going to ask me to elaborate?" I don't say "I set you up to ask me again." I don't say "Don't you care about why my day was 'up and down'?" I don't say this because then he would ask me again. But I don't want him to ask me again because I asked him to ask me. I just want him to ask me. I know he already asked me. I don't know why, but I need him to ask me twice. Blame it on the way I was raised. Blame it on him not knowing how to have a conversation. I didn't even know this was bugging me until I was writing this down. We never have conversations. We both just make comments and then return to silence. He doesn't know how to ask questions And I won't allow myself to say anything unless directly requested. So I leave my hints and he doesn't take them. I make my jokes, and he just chuckles like he's trying make a bad comedian feel better. He asks me how my day was and I say it was up and down and he doesn't ask me what happened. I know he meant that in the first question. I don't know why I need to be asked twice.

25

Walking through the deserted night, I descend into the valley and reserve my strength. I come across a man. His eyes won't focus and his tongue trips over his pretty words. He says "I would be yours if you do me this one favor." He says "I am so parched, I couldn't give my love without a small sip." I offer him my canteen since I have a sip to spare. But he pours what I offer into his own reservoir, does not drink it, and then asks for more. But I had no more to spare. Only enough for a small sip for myself. So I continue on up the hill before me and I know I must pace myself. I meet a girl with lines on her arms and X's on her legs. She says she met that man down below and he gave her these scars. She says "now I'm lost. But once I'm found, I can give you the love you desire. Could you do me this one favor and help me find my way?" So I ask where she is hoping to go. She says she wants the man in the valley. She says she's sure so I lead her back to him and she screams: "You never wanted to help me, did you?!" She rages at me and snatches my canteen only to swallow down the last drops. I run. Up the mountain again. I find a boy singing to himself. He says I can sit with him until I catch my breath. So I do, and I ask him questions and he makes me laugh. He says my laugh sounds like a song he never wants to end. So he kisses me and his lips taste like sand to my dry tongue. But I kiss him back anyway and he falls through my fingers and flies away on the wind. I crawl away, choking on the dryness in my lungs. As I reach the top of the mountain, I collapse. My chapped lips against the dewy grass. A hand gently touches my shoulder and I watch as they fill my canteen from their own and we are both full.

0

Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 5:29 AM UTC

Untitled (8/18/2021)

Walking through the deserted night, I descend into the valley and reserve my strength. I come across a man. His eyes won't focus and his tongue trips over his pretty words. He says "I would be yours if you do me this one favor." He says "I am so parched, I couldn't give my love without a small sip." I offer him my canteen since I have a sip to spare. But he pours what I offer into his own reservoir, does not drink it, and then asks for more. But I had no more to spare. Only enough for a small sip for myself. So I continue on up the hill before me and I know I must pace myself. I meet a girl with lines on her arms and X's on her legs. She says she met that man down below and he gave her these scars. She says "now I'm lost. But once I'm found, I can give you the love you desire. Could you do me this one favor and help me find my way?" So I ask where she is hoping to go. She says she wants the man in the valley. She says she's sure so I lead her back to him and she screams: "You never wanted to help me, did you?!" She rages at me and snatches my canteen only to swallow down the last drops. I run. Up the mountain again. I find a boy singing to himself. He says I can sit with him until I catch my breath. So I do, and I ask him questions and he makes me laugh. He says my laugh sounds like a song he never wants to end. So he kisses me and his lips taste like sand to my dry tongue. But I kiss him back anyway and he falls through my fingers and flies away on the wind. I crawl away, choking on the dryness in my lungs. As I reach the top of the mountain, I collapse. My chapped lips against the dewy grass. A hand gently touches my shoulder and I watch as they fill my canteen from their own and we are both full.

26

you got me on your hit list i can't afford a therapist it might be cheaper to die well, maybe but the funeral industry the way it's looking lately oh, it's bleeding me dry you have made up your mind to believe a lie well i'll admit you tried and i i could eat a live wire and then my brain would be just as fried and you you can have your pride and you can take your time but you can't take what's mine and you will not be the reason i give up believing in the good inside because i i will keep on breathing and easily sleeping purely out of spite

0

Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 5:14 AM UTC

Funeral Industry (3/12/2022)

you got me on your hit list i can't afford a therapist it might be cheaper to die well, maybe but the funeral industry the way it's looking lately oh, it's bleeding me dry you have made up your mind to believe a lie well i'll admit you tried and i i could eat a live wire and then my brain would be just as fried and you you can have your pride and you can take your time but you can't take what's mine and you will not be the reason i give up believing in the good inside because i i will keep on breathing and easily sleeping purely out of spite

25

The sky burns into night on a broken gold horizon Cela va sans dire mais, I will say it anyway Take my hand, I would follow anywhere Up the rocks and down the stairs Leaves falling down like confetti at a parade Tiny little Bourbon Street in the home we made The sky burns into night on a broken gold horizon Cela va sans dire mais, I will say it anyway Ever since tomorrow became today I was singing about you before I saw your face I'll paint a map on the tops of my shoes So I will never lose my way to you The sky burns into night on a broken gold horizon Cela va sans dire mais, I will say it anyway Even if it ended and this was all I would never regret the fall The sky burns into night on a broken gold horizon Cela va sans dire mais, I will say it anyway I love you

0

Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 5:09 AM UTC

Goes Without Saying (2/19/2022)

The sky burns into night on a broken gold horizon Cela va sans dire mais, I will say it anyway Take my hand, I would follow anywhere Up the rocks and down the stairs Leaves falling down like confetti at a parade Tiny little Bourbon Street in the home we made The sky burns into night on a broken gold horizon Cela va sans dire mais, I will say it anyway Ever since tomorrow became today I was singing about you before I saw your face I'll paint a map on the tops of my shoes So I will never lose my way to you The sky burns into night on a broken gold horizon Cela va sans dire mais, I will say it anyway Even if it ended and this was all I would never regret the fall The sky burns into night on a broken gold horizon Cela va sans dire mais, I will say it anyway I love you

19

Nobody writes about the glue unless it doesn't stick like it used to Nobody cares about what's always there until it's gone elsewhere There is no art about the dirt in the dark, but it keeps us from falling apart I know you think that they never saw you oh, but I do Sometimes you feel invisible because you don't like your hair and you're not very tall But don't let that make you feel so small Because without you my world wouldn't turn at all I know you think that they'll never see you oh, but I do Maybe you'll be Eventually Lost to history again A face in the crowd A voice in the loud But I know I'd know it anywhere So I'll have you sign a book in my mind I'll paint your name across the sky I'm gonna write about the glue I'm gonna write about you

0

Jul 17, 2022

Jul 17, 2022 at 5:05 AM UTC

Celebrity (11/19/2021)

Nobody writes about the glue unless it doesn't stick like it used to Nobody cares about what's always there until it's gone elsewhere There is no art about the dirt in the dark, but it keeps us from falling apart I know you think that they never saw you oh, but I do Sometimes you feel invisible because you don't like your hair and you're not very tall But don't let that make you feel so small Because without you my world wouldn't turn at all I know you think that they'll never see you oh, but I do Maybe you'll be Eventually Lost to history again A face in the crowd A voice in the loud But I know I'd know it anywhere So I'll have you sign a book in my mind I'll paint your name across the sky I'm gonna write about the glue I'm gonna write about you

22