my mind will be the end of me.
these thoughts more than some memory,
these images played through my brain.
daring me to be insane,
or done,
lost to the abyss.
lost to this endlessness,
the beyond.
whats coming next?
who knows.
but here I sit,
stuck.
fastened to this place.
unable to change my face
or name.
unable to break the chain,
insane?
no, just in pain.
the monotony is killing me
each day less and less free
tied to you
and them.
tied to the endless cycle of days
and nights,
and predictable fights;
because i know what pushes your buttons.
and can't stop from leaning in,
won't stop stealing your grin,
your joy.
no reason why.
perhaps i just want to die
and your leaving,
i know,
would do me in...
Apr 18, 2018
Apr 18, 2018 at 10:05 PM UTC
Lying here beside you
Staring into the brush stroked abyss
My mind registers
And whirs
And composes
The words I'm overrun with
The stories that run down the sides of my consciousness
Like I ran down that hill in my white gown
Running from my past
Into our future
I ache with excitement and yearning to speak with you
Awakenings fresh on my ink stained fingertips
Bubbling on the tip of my canvas stretched tongue
Expanding and morphing their confines
Unrecognizable
Without meaning
Devoid of intelligence
Scrawls and scratches of a cave dweller
Somehow paired with a Greek god
Your smile
Lost in the hieroglyphic translations on the page before you
The conversations I long to have
Reduced to mere finger-painted pictographs
Where I lose your attention
Incapable of expressing your radiance
Jun 14, 2013
Jun 14, 2013 at 3:14 PM UTC
I looked into the gates of Death
That stood just down the path
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood, enraptured
The air there seemed to say
"Come away
Run with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're much too young
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And ran with it
Raced the wind between the trees
I lost myself there in the woods
Within the greenery
Until one day
I stumbled
The gates stood there with me
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, mystified
A bird sang out to me
"Come away
Fly with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're much too young
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And flew with it
Soared above the clouds
I found a man
Who'd hold my hand
Never let it go
The gates arrived in front of me
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, petrified
My love whispered to me
"Come away
Stay with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're mine to save
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And stayed with him
We raised a boy and girl
Lost into their eyes
I swore, I couldn't leave
They'd never be alone
Then once again those gates appeared
Reaching into my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood, enraged
My children seemed to say
"Come away
Live with us
No one has to know
It's isn't right
We're much too young
We can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And lived with them
Watched them grow up, be free
My love and I grew ancient
He lost himself for me
So when those gates showed up again
Reaching into my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, ready
I heard the gates true call
"Come away
Die with me
No one has to know
It's finally right
You've lived your life
And now it's time to go."
And so I turned
And died with them
I left the world below
Free of pain and sadness
Into the great unknown.
May 1, 2013
May 1, 2013 at 8:01 PM UTC
I swear
Last night
As I lay awake
You sighed
With satisfaction
From the kitchen
Where we used to drink it all in.
I swear
This morning
As I lost myself to work
Covered in paint
Swimming in words
Lost at a pen's tip
Your hands
Toyed with my hair
Your lips
Caressed my neck.
I swear
You're here
I can't see you
But with every passing day
I feel you
I've heard its phantom limb
You always were a part of me
So connected
We functioned as one.
I still sleep
Tangled in your arms
I still eat
With your fingers
Tracing my skin
You haunt me
Every moment
Every day
Apr 28, 2013
Apr 28, 2013 at 10:55 PM UTC
I ordered a coffee black
To match the circles under my eyes
To scare the tired from my weary flesh
Life has largely taken its toll
Across the diner I gaze
When I see him
He's freshly adult
And already wilting
The weight of his world
Squarely on his shoulders
Its in that moment
My soul cries out
"I bear your burdens.
I carry them in each beat of my heart
In the pulse life within my blood.
I bear your burdens.
I lay them across the breadth of my shoulders
The tone and flex supporting you through your trials.
I bear your burdens.
They rest in the folds of my skin
In the curl of my lips
In the strength of my bones
And the swing of my hips.
I bear your burdens
In each moment of the day
Without falter of fail.
I have always and
Will always carry your burdens
Here in my soul
So you will never shoulder them
Alone."
Apr 28, 2013
Apr 28, 2013 at 10:43 PM UTC
I saw you today
The sighting long overdue
But then
Perhaps you don't think so
Perhaps you'd rather that I cease to exist
We sat along the canal
At a picnic table
Surrounded by geese
And the breeze off the water
We talked
Or better said
You talked
And I let the words seep into my pours
Becoming a part of me
Every sound, every breath, every sigh
You told me stories
Of faith and despair
And I let them become the songs of my soul
I laughed as I soaked it all in
But through everything
You never looked me in the eye
Perhaps it was simply due
To my hiding behind insecurities
But you didn't even glance my way
Perhaps you're ashamed of me
I'm not
Nor am I ashamed of you
Our actions may not have been glorifying or wonderful
But we can move past those
And still be us
Apr 22, 2013
Apr 22, 2013 at 6:48 PM UTC
The moments
Between spaces
Between dreaming and awake
Between the drops of torrential rain
Between my head on your chest and your kiss to the top of my head
Its those overlooked moments
Those minuscule seconds
When silence is complete
Comfort is all encompassing
And sweet content is everything
It's then that I will always love you
Apr 22, 2013
Apr 22, 2013 at 6:10 AM UTC
I can't blame you
Sometimes its the only way
Running from something
Because of the honest reality of it
I can't blame you
I've done the same
Trusting my leathered skin
The souls of my feet
To carry me past these horizons
I don't blame you
But know this
I'm still here
I'm not upset
I'm not hurting
I'm still waiting
For the beat of my heart not to call your name
For the breath in my lungs to stop sighing at the thought of you
I'm still waiting
For the skin of my hands to stop tingling from the feel of you
For the memories of us to subside
Remember I'm still her
I'm still the girl that embraced you when no one would
Still the girl that showed you things you hadn't known
The girl that broadened your horizons
I'm still she that carried your heart
When you thought it would fall from your chest
I'm still here
I'm not going anywhere
I'll stand on this hillside
Whispers of you lingering on my ears
Legs quivering at your proximity
As your eyes probed mine
And your lips uttered words
That left me standing here waiting
"I can't do this anymore"
But I can
I'll be yours until the cows come home
Until the endless machinery of humanity breaks down
Til pigs fly
I am yours
I'll be here
Where you took the ground from under me
Waiting for the day you realize
You need me
Maybe not my lips
Or my heart
But my spirit
My friendship
You can find me here
Where I lost my heart to you
Here
Until the rain that falls mutates my skin
Until wildlife roots their life with mine
Until children come and stare
Having heard the whispers as I became this urban legend
I'll be here
Waiting for you
Here
Apr 21, 2013
Apr 21, 2013 at 8:46 PM UTC
I hear you
I hear the cries of distress and pain you send out to the world
*** you don't understand what's happening
I hear the ache in your chest and the lump in your throat
As you beg the world to be kind
I hear the words between the screams that you whisper
Hoping someone will hear you and tell you
It gets better
You want to hear
That after the storm comes the clear skies
And after the darkness comes dawn
And after everything you've been through
It gets better
But the truth is ...
It won't
It won't get better...
At least
Not yet
But the only way it can ever get better
Is if you manage to hit the very bottom
If you manage to break
To absolutely shatter
Throw yourself to the storm out your window
So that the fragments of your soul are the only thing able to cry out
And then it still won't get better
You'll feel hopeless and alone
Like no one understands you
And you'll think that your life was a pitiful excuse for passing moments
And that no one could ever miss you
And you'll cry out to a god you don't believe in
Until finally you do
Until finally after thinking about it all
You realize that everything you have
You didn't earn
You didn't deserve
Until you realize it was a gift
And that gift was meant for you to give back
Back to the thing that gave it to you
And as you lay there shattered and confused
You see that the pieces of your life are meant for more
And the moment you realize nothing is yours
Nothing is truly yours
It belongs to Him
When that instant hits your understanding
THAT is when it gets better
But my friend if you are wondering if you've hit that place
I'm afraid you've missed the message
And if you're still crying out to the wind, to the world
It won't get better
At least
Not yet
Mar 6, 2013
Mar 6, 2013 at 4:44 PM UTC
Day after day I stay here
Day after day I puzzle over life
Day after day I make no headway
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my soul
And the drum line in my chest has stopped it's beating
And the string quartet of my soul is exceptionally still
And I feel hopelessly alone
The trumpets that used to drive me forward have been muzzled
And even the titillation of my hope has died out, the keys have gone cold
So I float in the abyss
And hope that someone somewhere will see me as an island to dream of
But the soft recollections of symphonies past do nothing more than keep me a float
And the stillness of my orchestra stop me from rising any more
And so I wait
Tortured by uncertainty and confusion
For a note
However delicate and soft
To pull at the strings of my soul
To awaken the snares of my heart
To loose my trumpets
And move me forward once more
Mar 6, 2013
Mar 6, 2013 at 4:23 PM UTC