I want to throw my my body
Onto someone else’s body
And go limp at my lower back
Knowing they will hold me up
And love me sweetly
Mar 26
Mar 26, 2026 at 8:51 PM UTC
A creature of want and rebellion
Lives in my throat and mouth
Mar 21
Mar 21, 2026 at 11:51 AM UTC
I will never hug my dad again
I already know this
But for now this reality does not strike me down to the floor with wrecking sobs
As it did an hour or so ago
I take off one layer of the blanket of grief
And the air feels cool and a bit raw on my sensitivity
But it's vital that I shed a layer
To grow
To become strong
To learn to walk in the world without the possibility of his hugs
His words of encouragement
His twinkling eyes
And to know he is always with me if I want him
That in Spirit he is better than he was in Flesh
Kinder, more supportive, open, loving, soft, free
Always watching out for me
I feel like I am getting so strong
To stand with my back straight or swaying,
Tears brimming or falling salty to my lips,
Listening to a song he would have liked,
Feeling raw and open to the breezes of life that will sway me, push and pull, soothe and scrape,
Letting him go and pulling him close all the same.
Mar 16
Mar 16, 2026 at 7:38 PM UTC
5 wooden chairs around two square tables pushed together
Little tea cups, coffee cups rest in their plates
Coffee grounds clump in the bottom
Leftovers from the latte foam paint the inner walls of the cup
Stained tea bag papers hang lazily from their strings, ready to flutter on the wind from a hurried passerby
But no one hurries in this cafe
A cappuccino overflowed
White milk dripped down the side of the cup
A foamy streak
Some chairs pushed in neatly
Others lounging to the side
A half cup of water rests in the middle of the pushed together tables with a straw in the middle
A paper straw wrapper lies comfortably crushed beneath a plate
A pepper shaker sits alone with no salt
Who drank these teas
And coffees
Who was thirsty for that half drunk cup of water?
Did they offer their water with the table and find no one else was thirsty?
Gritty pistachio and lavender on the bottom of a coffee cup
This must be a fancy place
I muse
Who sat and enjoyed the coffee?
Did they bicker?
Are there lies among that group?
Surprises? Mistrust? History?
Was it a group of friends?
New colleagues?
A family?
A waiter comes by and clears the cups and mugs
Straightens the chairs
So they are gone again
First they left
And left their cups on the tables pushed together
And I saw the cups
Now the cups are gone and I remember them
And I’ve written about these mystery cafe guests
And described their cups
Because I came in and they captured me
Each cup with its own distinct personality, way, froth, grounds, leaves
The breath from their drinkers seeming to still linger in the air
And it captured me
Each little cup looked up at me and asked me to consider it
To remember it
To notice the stillness of the paper on strings from the tea bags
And I wrote it down
Feeling melancholy
And I am sad today
My dad weighs 118 lbs
He’s wasting away
While the tumor thrives
Despite the chemo and immunotherapy
Despite the special diet he can’t stick to
And I can do nothing
I can’t even hold him
I’ve never been able to hold him
His touch has felt like death to me for so many years
How long has this death been growing in him?
The first time I felt it in his touch was 4-7 years ago
The years blend together when you see an unchanging man so rarely
And now I see him each day
And he is so changed
But because I see him each day
And because I have fallen to the kitchen floor more than once after seeing his skeleton body leave the house
Because I watched his lats vanish
If I let it, it feels like punishment
But I know it is not
It is just life, it just one awful thing in my wonderful life which blossoms and overflows in every direction
Mar 7
Mar 7, 2026 at 8:21 PM UTC
I go weak at the knees
For the loud exhale out the nose a pianist releases about 3/4 of the way through a piece
And the strong in-breath that follows
Also through the nose
I finally looked up the recipe to make a proper golden milk latte
And I made it
And I take a sip and my whole body says thank you
My throat receive the silken drink and a smile forms on my lips
My cat hops up on my couch
And walks past my face
I push my nose into her soft fur
She pauses a moment to let me
<3
Feb 21
Feb 21, 2026 at 3:25 PM UTC
The great divider
The great connector
Whatever he was
He is gone
In his place
Nothing
We go on our own paths as we always did before
Connected by a loss we all share
But we grieve alone
Grief is so personal
I want it to be over and done
But it won’t ever be it will just evolve
Or maybe it will and I just know it yet
Transforming into something new
So far from this grief you would never believe it was the same animal
It’s not just that I’ll never hold his hand again
It’s that he’ll never hold mine
I’ll never get to feel the shine
That I felt glow in his chest
When I walked in the room and he lit up in a new way
With a breeze through his chest
That I was nearby
The one who delighted in me most
Is gone
Everyday farther away from the last day he lived
Feb 18
Feb 18, 2026 at 10:25 PM UTC
One time
I had a lover who was an addict
He was in recovery for ****** and he was a sponsor
A lovely man
Anyway I had gone to get blood work done
And had a few holes in my arm because I have tiny veins
And the nurse who took my bloodwork
wasn't very good
My lover saw the holes from the corner of his eye
And reached for my arm with
Pure purpose
He grabbed it and twisted it around so he could see it clearly
In the light
All of his focus was on those holes
He asked without a bit of hesitation
"are these tracks?"
No ego in his request
All clarity and need
A sharp edge of urgency
I told him I had been to the doctor for bloodwork
And that it was all okay
I think about that moment a lot
The clarity, the intensity
The nothing-will-get-in-my-way
The familiarity
The instinct
The lack of formality
The comfort with which he grabbed me
To inspect me and see for himself
I'd like someone to tell me why sometimes
Thinking of that moment makes me cry
What if they had been tracks?
He didn't shy away from that devastating possibility
He dove into it
Drove into it
It meant something to him
I meant something to him
He was an animal and a human in the exact same moment
And I got to be the other animal, the other human he was inspecting
And it was so nice
To be seen and investigated with such abandon.
I sort of squandered that connection
We went to Nicaragua once
I dove into the water and the waves were really big and scary
I thought I was going to die actually
When I righted myself and got to shallower water I told him I thought I was going to die in those waves
He told me he was right there and wouldn't have let that happen
I was so closed and so avoidant
I scoffed, saying I didn't even think to reach for him
That had to have hurt him
I feel sorry that I said that.
But it was true, I wouldn't have reached for him
The way he reached for my arm.
Feb 1
Feb 1, 2026 at 1:52 PM UTC
I'm feeling moody and like I want to write some bad poetry or prose
I'm feeling a way I haven't in a while
and I don't really feel like this
This longing loneliness, lament that no lovers lay their lips on mine
But it's a bit nice to dip my toe in this feeling
Of missing someone whose long gone
But somehow the feeling is transforming
And now I am getting more excited at what is to come
And not just in terms of languid lovers
Sweating and ***** bright and hungry for me
But now I feel like them
Sweating, ***** bright and hungry for my art
For my life
For the songs I'll sing
The paintings I'll paint
The poems I'll write and recite
The scripts
The scenes I'll create
And the scene I'll live
The whole of it
For pasta sauce I'll lick from my fork on a really good first date
For the sound of my heel clacking on the floor of the first art gallery that will show my work
For the beaming smiles of the crowd in my first ever show
For the sweat of my bass player
For the sweet buds poking above the dusty chocolate brown earth of the flowers I'll plant
For the soreness in my muscles after I learn a new choreo
The laughter that will come shrieking from my throat
I can't wait to sense it all
Memorize it
I'm building something really good right now
I'm building self-trust
I feel the foundations of my self-belief deep and sturdy beneath my feet
I feel supported by my own commitment to my choice to live my life for my own enjoyment, edification and tenderness
I'm at the center and that is on purpose
I'm at the center and the view looks good from here
Jan 31
Jan 31, 2026 at 7:30 PM UTC
He is the crisp air on a snowy day
He’s the bits of sleet that gather in the wrinkles of your coat while shoveling snow
He’s the wind the red cardinal flies on
He’s the quiet of the snow covered fallen logs
He’s the white sky
I miss my dad
And he would have loved today’s snow
Jan 25
Jan 25, 2026 at 1:20 PM UTC
My dad died
For two days he was in peace
Or maybe a day and a half
Because of the morphine
I put beneath his tongue
It was easy to do
He couldn’t close his mouth anymore
He was too weak
But the 10 days prior
He was in agony
It was brutality
Pain
Suffering
Desperation
And it’s a pain in my chest
A wrenching in my gut
Snippets of terrifying memories that arrest me sometimes
Create a quiet in my brain
As I get trapped by a moment that is gone already
The white and blue
Of the hospital room
Blood on his cheek that bloomed
Dripped down his cheek
Got stuck in his beard
Knitted brows and a nod
An affirming sound from his dry throat
When I asked him did it hurt
That was one of the worst moments
Of my little life
My big life
Of my many lives
He was in so much pain
In a hospital
Where he hated to be
It was horrible
I hated each moment
He hated it worse
:(
Jan 13
Jan 13, 2026 at 8:29 PM UTC