what can i do if you never care?
You say you want me
But you're never there
Oct 22, 2016
Oct 22, 2016 at 2:03 PM UTC
I have dreams of him
His eyes are missing
All flesh, pristine
He's not looking but still seeing
He cannot show but he guides me
To the meadows I roam free
Clear skies torn apart by sun rays
Like it was always that way
Our bodies glisten as they sway.
He calls me in, a messenger
I breathe him and he is medicine
From the ghosts in my bedsheets
From mosaics of grief I've seen
And the shadows appear on the hilltops
Trickling towards me like rain.
Then stormy skies run like watercolour
He is gone and darkness creeps in
Bad dreams line the clouds of sleep
From summer in the meadows to rough seas
I see his face in my morning coffee
And I pour him down the sink
For I cannot swallow this feeling
Knowing the visions belong to me.
You haunt my dreams of places I will never visit
People I will never meet
In the background of each painting
You're the stains on every seat
You're the barbed wire round my heart
You're the rotting in the woods
You're the dark circles under my eyes
I can't sleep because of you.
Jul 20, 2016
Jul 20, 2016 at 3:46 PM UTC
I guess I should feel flattered
That I get it all the time
But it doesn't really matter
Cause I feel so dead inside
I'm waiting at the station
For a train that never comes
And I'm cutting up his t-shirts
Cause I'm bitter that he's gone
But I won't cry this time
Cause I'm lucky that they want me
They can **** me until everything's alright
And I just laugh because I'm rich
Oh I'm not rich from money
But I swear I'm rich from ********* that I know
But I'll never tell them no, no, no.
Another day, new invitation
They're inviting me to bed
But they can never satisfy me
Too much ******** in their heads
My best friend told me that he loves me
But I guess he's not the one
Cause I'm saving his kind heart
From my weak, destructive bones.
But I won't cry this time
Cause I'm lucky that they lust me
But it's not enough to fill the aching in my chest
So I'll just laugh
And I will continue dancing
I'll get high from all the happiness instead
Until they want my heart not what's between my legs.
Jun 30, 2016
Jun 30, 2016 at 6:04 PM UTC
I woke up this morning
To a whole different mind
With the same room, same skyline
I was leaving you behind
And I told you I loved you
But I didn't look you in the eyes
Because maybe I like you
But I'm sorry, I lied.
What am I to do now?
Cause I can see this on the news
"Man dies of broken heart"
But I've got nothing else to lose
So I'm flying the nest
Back to where I was raised
In search of something I lost
Among the rubble I left there.
Could you teach me to be?
Someone that I don't know
Cause you must know it hurts
To leave you and go
I was tenderly yours
But there's fire within
And I'm burning down this house
Cause it's no home to me.
Apr 11, 2016
Apr 11, 2016 at 10:51 PM UTC
I awoke to street lights and red skies
Warm heat of summer nights enveloped me
Smothering me in its embrace
As I cling to cold sheets with sweaty palms
Neon signs of buildings and corner shops
Welcome my childlike gaze
As I look upon the city and the shoreline in awe
And I spit out cherry stones and drink soda through straws
You sink your teeth into me like a ripe peach
And tell me my eyes are hazy and haunting
And we dance and we drink and soak up the last of our youth
Act as if we didn't have a clue
Bonfire smoke in my lungs
Rippling screams and laughter in the air
Last nights love still in my veins
Kaleidoscope views of how things change
I miss the smell of your cologne
And the way you say my name
I miss the beaches when it's winter
Because it's hard to breathe again
Apr 4, 2016
Apr 4, 2016 at 7:34 PM UTC
Tainted, by my own weakness
I have loved and lost again
I am stuck on conversations
I find no closure
For you left without a word
A ghost, you slipped away
Nothing left of you no more
I keep searching for you in strangers
But they only scratch the surface
And I never find your soul in them
I keep looking in their eyes
Trying to reclaim the light
For I've been domed to darkness since you left
It's this urge
It's this wound you left
I've been bruised since then
Cause no one does it just like you
It's this spark
I've been craving it
I'm searching for something
Cause you hit me like lightening
History, only keeps repeating
I'm stuck in this cycle
I'm trapped in my own bad habits
I find no one's here
For they always turn away
A ghost, you haunt my head
And I am left jaded again
I keep getting drunk with strangers
But they only make me nervous
Cause I know just what they want from me
I keep dodging their eyes
So they can't see that I'm lying
Cause unlike you, they'll never have a hold on me
It's this hurt
It's this emptiness you left
Trying to move on since then
So I can find someone better than you
It's this knowing
I'm so used to this
I'm searching for affection
Cause you make me lose direction.
Apr 4, 2016
Apr 4, 2016 at 6:37 PM UTC
I still have his t-shirt in my closet
I take it out when I am lonely
Remind myself I was once loved
Remind myself that nothing lasts
Forever, came so close and passed quick as a blink
I think I must have missed my station
With my thoughts running, over thinking thinking thinking
Funny how I pass his town
I miss it when I am around
On journeys and I reminisce
On memories of us together how nothing lasts
Forever, came so near then threw it away
I say I kid myself he loved me when
I know she was all he thought about that day, that summer day
Lovers came and passed since him
There's gaps in all my history
I lost the photos of us together
I lost the thoughts of my
Forever, cause it don't exist
I think I'll find someone better next time
Until then I'm fine, I'm fine fine fine.
Mar 30, 2016
Mar 30, 2016 at 6:02 PM UTC
We ****
And we **** each other up
We drink
And we drown our feelings by the cup
We love
And we love to destroy things we touch
We hate
And we breed hate onto our selves
We breathe
And we exhale all the toxins in our smoke
We live
And we survive until we choke
Mar 28, 2016
Mar 28, 2016 at 8:51 PM UTC
And of course
Every now and then it hits you
Like a car crash
Like a train-wreck
And you feel yourself choking on the unsaid words
And vomiting up the residue from drunken kisses
Howling at the night sky
While friends tell you "it gets better"
A truth you do not need to hear
Because right now you miss them like a limb
And you're dragging yourself around every day
Trying to make it to some kind of finish line
Some kind of end
Where the pain stops hurting
Where you stop remembering their name
And how you held them and danced with them
And spoke to them about how you wanted them
And now at 3 in the morning
You're lonely and longing
And they're with somebody new
Who probably kisses them the same as you did
And they no longer yearn the touch of your fingertips
No longer crave you like water on a summers day
Because they have them.
They have found someone to hold their aching bones
And you are alone.
But you are not a reflection of those you have lost
And you will be loved by people you have never met
And you are beautiful despite their passing
You are worthy, don't you forget.
Mar 20, 2016
Mar 20, 2016 at 4:18 PM UTC
I hate being alone
But I hate being in love more
I'm torn apart like an old t-shirt
You wore it out and left it on the floor
I only tell you how I feel when I am drunk
I need the liquid confidence
I need some gypsy luck
To tell you I don't care any more
To tell you you're not there any more
To tell you I don't need this any more
To tell you I am done
Sick of sleeping alone
But I hate sleeping with these thoughts
I'm haunted like a house you see
You died in my heart but you won't let me leave
Can only tell you how I feel at night
Cause in the day I never cross your mind
The dark protects me
It protects me from wanting to die
Why can't I tell you I don't care any more?
Why the **** are you not there any more?
I'm tired of you pulling out my chair to watch me fall
What can I do to make you love me once more?
Mar 6, 2016
Mar 6, 2016 at 4:47 PM UTC