It makes me happy to go home—
excited, even.
The anticipation of being surrounded by noise and light and love
swallows all else.
I dream about the yellow glow of the windows
that spill warmth onto the driveway.
The smell of fresh air, crisp and earthy.
The promise of family;
voices overlapping, laughter echoing,
draws me in,
gives me hope.
For the first few days
the yelling, the arguing,
it doesn’t bother me much.
It’s a symphony of chaos,
filling the silence I’ve grown used to,
keeping the cold at bay,
patching over the hole
that an empty apartment carves into my chest
I tell myself that it’s normal—
that life changes,
people change,
but they’re still family.
and even when it doesn’t feel like love,
it’s still a home.
Yet after a week,
the yelling sharpens,
the words sting,
The voices rise like waves in a storm,
crashing over me,
again
and again,
each one heavier than the last.
Like nails on a chalkboard
I flinch.
Tiptoeing over eggshells.
Skating on ice
that never seems to hold my weight.
The home I remember—
a place of bedtime stories and shared meals,
of sticky counters and warm embraces—
it all slips away.
The memories turn brittle,
shattering under the weight of what is now.
I curl in on myself
Becoming small.
The woman I’ve built myself up to be,
feels like a joke.
The battles I’ve fought,
the wars I’ve won,
crumble to dust.
The happiness I once felt
turns sour,
curdling into anger
toward the people I call family.
But it’s not fair.
They’re hurting too,
over the shared home we have all lost.
So my anger and pain,
none of it matters,
and it won’t fix what’s already been broken.
It becomes too much to bear,
the pain of what we’ve lost,
the anger at fate for destroying it,
It’s too loud—
too much for me to handle.
And all I want,
more than anything,
Is quiet.
So I drive,
5 hours and 13 minutes,
to my empty apartment.
Just to be met by dark windows,
empty and hollow,
staring back like vacant eyes.
A contrast to the warm, deceiving glow of my childhood home.
I walk inside
and revel in the silence.
No voices, no tension, no chaos.
Just peace,
soft and comforting.
Like slipping into cool sheets after a long day.
It’s heaven.
For a while.
After a week, though,
the silence and the peace
become suffocating,
The loneliness curls into every crevice of the apartment,
coiling around me like smoke,
sinking into my skin,
seeping into my bones and making them ache.
I feel like a ghost,
wandering a home that doesn’t belong to me.
Sleepwalking through the days,
going through motions that mean nothing.
The quiet isn’t peaceful anymore—
it’s consuming,
crushing the air in my lungs.
Eventually,
all i want
is to go home.
Jan 1, 2025
Jan 1, 2025 at 12:48 PM UTC
Splish Splash with Tired arms
Inhale Exhale with Tired breath
Yell and Argue with Tired coach
Whine and Complain with Tired swimmers
Loud Static from a Tired radio
Bubble and Pour from a Tired coffee ***
At the pool,
sound became music, and music
a Tired cane for them to rest their weary limbs
Feb 25, 2021
Feb 25, 2021 at 10:01 AM UTC
It’s only a necklace.
It shouldn’t mean much at all,
yet it holds everything I can never have,
it’s all I can do not to fall.
I’m gripping onto the shadows—
to the person he left behind.
Trying to remember his voice, his smile,
to make a picture inside my mind.
Is it strange to hate someone you never knew,
yet love them all the same?
I cannot tell if this is the truth,
or if my head is playing games.
The photographs of his kids and loving wife
make me wonder if he was ever there at all,
or if he was just a ghost of self-made fiction—
the unknown will become my downfall.
The truth is, he has so many others now.
A family to call home.
So why can’t I just let it go,
and go back to my own?
It’s just one silly gift.
It shouldn’t mean so much to me.
But without remembering who I was,
how do I know who I’m supposed to be?
Feb 24, 2021
Feb 24, 2021 at 3:15 PM UTC
We too would sit up throughout the warm nights
and laugh around the glowing campfire light,
then twinkling eyes meet from afar
sipping cocoa remembering good times
shared with friends. We can never go back.
We took shelter from the shadows, from the dark.
When the sparks turned to fireflies, we’d smile,
and wish upon the flickering embers,
letting our dreams float up to the sky,
Speaking with love to them,
who had given me solace
and a safe harbor among friends.
How time did leave, how time did slip us by
to leave us with only faded memories?
Jan 28, 2021
Jan 28, 2021 at 11:38 AM UTC
You can leave.
and push me away,
but I promise
I will always stay,
by your side
where I belong,
‘cause even if
you do me wrong,
it’s just me and you
so I’ll see it through,
‘cause don’t ya know,
I love you.
Dec 13, 2020
Dec 13, 2020 at 11:47 PM UTC
The people you love,
will always be there
to fill your soul with laughter,
to fill your heart with warmth,
to set the table and pass the food,
to make a toast and cheer to the good times.
Family is forever.
COVID is not.
Happy thanksgiving!
Nov 26, 2020
Nov 26, 2020 at 1:17 AM UTC
Fluttering hearts
beat like drums
against Painted Feathers
Their lives speed by,
fragile and fleeting
like the cherry blossoms
of spring.
Life’s most magnificent picture
painted with watercolor,
on thin paper.
Frantic,
yet peaceful.
Bold,
but elusive.
I wonder,
if they live life fast
or if we
are just slow.
Nov 15, 2020
Nov 15, 2020 at 10:58 PM UTC
The storms
Hold secrets
Swept up by their ghastly gales
Nov 15, 2020
Nov 15, 2020 at 10:40 PM UTC
When the world
Fails
To let the light in,
Turn on the light inside of you.
When the world
Is awash
With bitter cold,
Fuel the flame in the hearth.
When the world
Looks
To silence you,
Scream your name from the rooftops.
When the world pushes you down,
Tests your limits,
And blocks your way,
Find the hand reaching out to you,
And let them pull you back up.
You are not alone.
Our paths may be different but we journey as one.
You will get through this.
I promise.
<3 Cam
Nov 12, 2020
Nov 12, 2020 at 8:53 PM UTC
At first,
Time is thy enemy
stretching out with
withered hands
stealing your breath
for decades,
years,
minutes,
seconds,
until you start to panic
frantically trying to slow down
every moment,
every day,
every hour,
wheezing in
every
last
breath...
Until the day you realize that Time cannot be fought.
It cannot be wrestled into submission.
It cannot be captured or frozen.
It must be embraced.
Enjoyed.
Respected.
You begin to understand that time is not your enemy.
You begin to appreciate all the little moments and love the person that you've become.
Eventually,
We all realize that Time is a gift.
One that we must learn to cherish,
before it's too late.
Mar 28, 2020
Mar 28, 2020 at 1:48 AM UTC