A cool Summer morning.
6am, leaving a party.
Stayed up, all night,
With people I'm not close with.
Trying to disintegrate
Thoughts
Of You,
With a bonfire.
In the car, driving home.
The sky visible
In my rear view.
A muddled color palette
Of you and me.
Blues and pinks separated.
Struggling to mix
Into a shade of
Purple morning sky.
I might crash.
I can't keep my eyes off the Past.
Too consumed, with sleep in my eyes.
My clothes drenched, with smoke particles
Hanging still
In the air. touching my lips.
Dark blue skies
Ahead of me.
Doubts of never finding
Purple skies
I'm dreaming of.
God.
If only I could close my eyes.
Right here on the freeway.
Allowing my car a freedom
I'm craving.
To guide me
Into
Purple skies.
May 28, 2022
May 28, 2022 at 2:47 PM UTC
A little house sits on a hill.
It appears bigger
than the ones built up around it.
It's filled with more things than just
childhood memories.
The family that lived there
was a complicated one.
Two parents of seven kids.
A mother,
who had to put her life on hold for her family,
now is in too much pain and complains.
A father,
who spends days and nights working,
now doesn't know how to show love.
An eldest daughter,
who finally got her dream job,
now loses time with her young daughter.
The eldest son,
who always tried to be on his own,
now doesn't fit in with the others.
The second son,
who was influenced by the wrong crowd as a boy,
now doesn't know how to stand up for himself.
The middle child,
a boy who never felt as if he belonged,
now struggles to find a new home.
Yet another boy,
who was always the jealous child,
now lives with anger issues too big to handle.
A second daughter,
who was spoiled as a babe,
now gets scolded for the way she was raised.
The last child,
a girl who never tried,
now tries too hard for approval,
mostly from herself.
This is a broken family
One that grew in a broken home.
Each member trying to find their way back
to a home that never existed.
Only perfected in their imagination.
Each one a lie.
That's all that life truly is...
a lie.
Apr 13, 2019
Apr 13, 2019 at 12:51 PM UTC
Suffocating pain.
It seems to be a friend of mine.
Always there, comforting me when my heart is broken.
It sleeps with me in the black night.
Hugging my heart to let me know it’s there.
It’s frozen hands reaching into my throat.
Letting me feel, just how close it is.
But when it relaxes it’s grip.
I am able to fall asleep.
This peace is not allowed for long.
It gets jealous.
Wants me to only feel pain.
Pain.
Overtaking my heart.
Wanting to feel it stop beating.
Pain.
Clawing at my stomach.
Telling me there’s no reason to fill it.
Pain.
Intruding my thoughts.
Telling me there’s no point in feeling happy.
So I sit with pain.
In the long hours of night.
Replacing the warmth you once gave.
Jan 20, 2019
Jan 20, 2019 at 10:39 PM UTC
If only I knew
That kiss would’ve been our last. I would have kissed a little deeper
If only I knew
that hug in the cold night was our last. I would have hugged a little tighter.
If only I knew
that was the last time I told you “I love you”. I would have said it a bit softer.
If only I knew
that was the last time I’d look into your eyes and see love staring back. I would have gazed a little longer.
Abruptly, all this was taken away by you.
Your conflicting thoughts described to me a day later.
While people carried on with their lives around us as if though they couldn’t hear my heart shattering next to you.
I’m helpless in this moment. Unable to comprehend why this is happening.
You tell me I should be hating you, well love, I’ve spent seven months loving you and no amount of pain can fade that.
So I sit next to you, unable to touch your hands which I craved so desperately.
New tears travel down the path paved by old dried up ones.
My mouth is clamped shut unable to tell you what my brain wants to say.
Your brain was conflicted. You tell me there’s no one like me but for some reason, that doesn’t seem to be enough.
We used to be in tune with each other. How could I not see this coming?
Those thoughts scratching away at me inside your head.
Until those thoughts clawed at our love until there was nothing.
Now I feel nothing.
Like an empty space waiting to be filled once more by you.
But you’ve made up your mind for us both. No consulting like we once did.
Our last moments feel like a lie.
Your mind flipped in an instant.
Forcing mine to try and piece everything together.
But you were the pieces that made me whole.
Jan 15, 2019
Jan 15, 2019 at 9:48 AM UTC
'The calm after the storm' has new meaning to it.
The calm is the pouring rain at 2am.
It beats up the roof for being in it's way.
Slapping it repeatedly with such a force that I can hear it from inside.
It floods the streets.
And clears the sky of grey clouds.
The storm is you.
You.
With your words.
Repeatedly beating my emotions to the ground.
Slapping the happiness from my face.
My conscience doesn't understand what it did wrong.
It sits inside of me only wanting,
waiting to please.
It seeks to only please you.
Becoming flooded with want of nothing else.
Every other emotion is shoved away, but the grey stays.
Sadly, it hangs over my head like the now dispersed rain clouds.
This one never leaves though.
Every raindrop filled with your voice.
They pelt me.
Never allowing me to become dry.
I thought my love was enough.
Maybe I was wrong.
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 5:23 PM UTC
Comfort, for many, is found at home.
Walking into the warmth from the frozen air outside.
This house, it's consumed in ice.
It's where the Ice Queen lives.
Refusing warmth for her numb subjects.
This ice palace has never been a home.
Unsustainable for the warmth we crave.
Desperate for the Ice Queen to release us from her hold.
But no difference can be made.
The Ice Queen likes to have her way.
As days pass on,
the subjects become frozen.
Unable to feel.
Ice crystals envelop our hearts.
Until it fractures.
This palace will never thaw.
This is what the Ice Queen feared.
She is alone...
with only the cold to keep her company.
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 5:05 PM UTC
You'd think it silly.
But your opinion doesn't matter really.
As kiddies shout with glee,
from this place I wish to do nothing but flee.
The sun is shining bright.
It reflects off the water.
As I stare down with spite.
Happily splashing around,
they beg me to come have fun.
Not realizing I'd rather run.
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 4:58 PM UTC
I've met many challenges.
They think it's fun to trip me in life.
Laughing and gloating as they float away firmly planted on my back I stay.
A shadow crosses my face.
Shutting my eyes tighter, I prepare for another failure.
To my surprise, this challenge helps me to my feet.
Gently, it tells me, with kind eyes,
"you've got this."
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 4:38 PM UTC
Happiness spreads.
Her little light creates a warmth.
It fills my heart.
Her hand is enclosed in mine.
I squeeze tightly, to convey my love.
Her mind though, couldn't comprehend the weight of this action.
When she's sad,
her beautiful blue eyes become a little more grey.
I wish to never see her eyes this way again.
Vowing to spend my days with my little blonde girl.
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 4:26 PM UTC
It's curious to think how God made me.
For instance, unable to see.
Without tiny pieces of glass.
I mistake a slithery scaly stick,
for a snake in the grass.
While I sit, I hear giggles.
Embarrassed, I advert my eyes to the squiggles,
on the white lined pages in front of me.
I struggle to read them.
Finding mismatched words such as, "broplens" and "selvc".
Sighing, I place oval framed glasses over my eyes.
It's my turn to laugh as I look to the sky.
I read the page again, noticing I have "problems" of my own I need to "solve".
Instead, I lay down in the prickly grass,
appreciating God for the way He made me out to be.
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 2:57 PM UTC