c-x-rutledge - Hello Poetry

It's comforting, and heart breaking, to know that the night before you married, the last thoughts you had, the last echoing doubts, were about me. Haunting Shades of Doubts if you were making a mistake. Whether or not you should actually be with me instead of him. And while you followed through, as everyone expected you to, to know that the thought of me was so powerful, so shaking, it could have undone everything, everything you thought you wanted... Is humbling... Is unctuous. You really never left, even though, you're gone. You really never stopped being mine, though, now you're his. It never stopped being "Us".

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Jul 25, 2018

Jul 25, 2018 at 11:31 AM UTC

It Never Stopped Being "Us"

It's comforting, and heart breaking, to know that the night before you married, the last thoughts you had, the last echoing doubts, were about me. Haunting Shades of Doubts if you were making a mistake. Whether or not you should actually be with me instead of him. And while you followed through, as everyone expected you to, to know that the thought of me was so powerful, so shaking, it could have undone everything, everything you thought you wanted... Is humbling... Is unctuous. You really never left, even though, you're gone. You really never stopped being mine, though, now you're his. It never stopped being "Us".

4

I hope you're doing well, but I also hope you're living in a veritable hell. And I really mean that. I wish nothing but the best for you, I truly do, but I pray you're miserable; pray you're regretting. You know that I'd **** for you, but without hesitation, I'd **** you too. I try not to play favorites. I hope you sleep well at night, that you're warm and nestled tight. I want you to be stagnant and cold. You know I hope you and him last forever, but also that his heart strings sever. While hiding ****** scissors behind my back. I would go back for you, I know I should, but time has me by the throat like I knew it would. Strangle hold. I wish I didn't mean these words, but one wish and they'd all come true. I want those past 5 years with you.

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Jul 6, 2018

Jul 6, 2018 at 11:55 AM UTC

I would; I wish

I hope you're doing well, but I also hope you're living in a veritable hell. And I really mean that. I wish nothing but the best for you, I truly do, but I pray you're miserable; pray you're regretting. You know that I'd **** for you, but without hesitation, I'd **** you too. I try not to play favorites. I hope you sleep well at night, that you're warm and nestled tight. I want you to be stagnant and cold. You know I hope you and him last forever, but also that his heart strings sever. While hiding ****** scissors behind my back. I would go back for you, I know I should, but time has me by the throat like I knew it would. Strangle hold. I wish I didn't mean these words, but one wish and they'd all come true. I want those past 5 years with you.

7

Your life is a border-line ***** film. Caught between bad angles, blurred shots, and this masked imagine of someone dying you just can’t get out of your head… but you keep watching anyways.

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Jan 18, 2017

Jan 18, 2017 at 8:47 PM UTC

Camera Man

Your life is a border-line ***** film. Caught between bad angles, blurred shots, and this masked imagine of someone dying you just can’t get out of your head… but you keep watching anyways.

1

I heard a whisper in the night, so close it could have kissed my ear. But when I awoke to see who was calling, that echoed breath had disappeared. I laid awake the better part of an hour, chasing the voice from my head. Because I knew that voice from years before, the voice of someone I thought long dead. I rose from the nestled safety of my bed and walked over to the window pane. I knew if I were to open it for you, you just might leave me all the same. I closed my eyes, still burning softly, and loosed a breath of mine. I felt it hang in the cold, night, air for a fraction of a moment's time. A winter breeze came creeping in fetching chills to send through my core. And just when I thought that you had come and gone came the opening of my bedroom door. It had slightly moved, arguably not at all, nudging urges of neurosis. But I still tasted you in mouth, a faint haunting of my psychosis. Debating my sanity I queried out loud, "Are you back this time for good?" but nothing answered from the darkness of my room, just as nothing should. So I closed my window, shook off the frost, and laid back down for sleep. But I couldn't help but feel a warmth already underneath my sheets.

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Feb 8, 2016

Feb 8, 2016 at 9:49 PM UTC

Lie Still.

I heard a whisper in the night, so close it could have kissed my ear. But when I awoke to see who was calling, that echoed breath had disappeared. I laid awake the better part of an hour, chasing the voice from my head. Because I knew that voice from years before, the voice of someone I thought long dead. I rose from the nestled safety of my bed and walked over to the window pane. I knew if I were to open it for you, you just might leave me all the same. I closed my eyes, still burning softly, and loosed a breath of mine. I felt it hang in the cold, night, air for a fraction of a moment's time. A winter breeze came creeping in fetching chills to send through my core. And just when I thought that you had come and gone came the opening of my bedroom door. It had slightly moved, arguably not at all, nudging urges of neurosis. But I still tasted you in mouth, a faint haunting of my psychosis. Debating my sanity I queried out loud, "Are you back this time for good?" but nothing answered from the darkness of my room, just as nothing should. So I closed my window, shook off the frost, and laid back down for sleep. But I couldn't help but feel a warmth already underneath my sheets.

8

Sixty-five percent of the time I just don't get it, Thirty percent of the time I just don't care, And the other five percent was never meant for me to know... But the last five percent if he hardest for me to let go.

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Feb 6, 2016

Feb 6, 2016 at 7:36 PM UTC

Five percent.

Sixty-five percent of the time I just don't get it, Thirty percent of the time I just don't care, And the other five percent was never meant for me to know... But the last five percent if he hardest for me to let go.

4

We tend to forget exactly where it was we came from. Those people that died, those people that cried, they were real. Move on, make more memories until you become one yourself, but never, ever, forget where you came from.

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Oct 15, 2015

Oct 15, 2015 at 7:55 PM UTC

Remember Who you Are

We tend to forget exactly where it was we came from. Those people that died, those people that cried, they were real. Move on, make more memories until you become one yourself, but never, ever, forget where you came from.

3

10 years later. I'm still right here, but no cotton mouth this time. I'm driving a better car but miss the one I used to have. Parked in a patch of pavement meant for a pool, but now it's just an empty field. A city cop drives by, I duck my head low behind tinted windows... A beam of light pierces through.. As he drives past I throw my beer bottle and run because I know he'll come back, even if he isn't County he can still get me for DUI.. Don't need another one of those.. I go to hide behind an old friends house, he has a daughter now. She's 3. He's back in school, I'm happy for you, Tyler... The cop drives back by just like I knew he would, I watch from behind a fence. I feel 14 again, minus 3 friends. He slows to a stop then drives on. I get back in, put in a pinch and drive home. Glad I live right down the road. Somethings never change. Maybe I should try and steal a stop sign...

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Sep 20, 2015

Sep 20, 2015 at 1:22 AM UTC

10 years later

10 years later. I'm still right here, but no cotton mouth this time. I'm driving a better car but miss the one I used to have. Parked in a patch of pavement meant for a pool, but now it's just an empty field. A city cop drives by, I duck my head low behind tinted windows... A beam of light pierces through.. As he drives past I throw my beer bottle and run because I know he'll come back, even if he isn't County he can still get me for DUI.. Don't need another one of those.. I go to hide behind an old friends house, he has a daughter now. She's 3. He's back in school, I'm happy for you, Tyler... The cop drives back by just like I knew he would, I watch from behind a fence. I feel 14 again, minus 3 friends. He slows to a stop then drives on. I get back in, put in a pinch and drive home. Glad I live right down the road. Somethings never change. Maybe I should try and steal a stop sign...

10

It's time to cease chasing after ghosts... because there are no such thing. It's time to stop peeking under the bed at night... Because monsters don't exist. It's time to shut out the lights without running through the darkness... Because there is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light. It's time to quit pulling the covers over my head... Because nothing is there to get me. It's time to grow up... Because I've been acting like a child for far too long. It's time for me to end this sleepover... Because when you're here, I'm miles away. It's time to wake up... Because the dream is over. I'm now aware that I've spent most of this life asleep... My eyes are open.

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May 24, 2015

May 24, 2015 at 11:02 PM UTC

Grow up.

It's time to cease chasing after ghosts... because there are no such thing. It's time to stop peeking under the bed at night... Because monsters don't exist. It's time to shut out the lights without running through the darkness... Because there is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light. It's time to quit pulling the covers over my head... Because nothing is there to get me. It's time to grow up... Because I've been acting like a child for far too long. It's time for me to end this sleepover... Because when you're here, I'm miles away. It's time to wake up... Because the dream is over. I'm now aware that I've spent most of this life asleep... My eyes are open.

7

Drilling through flesh to find something worth sparing. Yanking out veins, arteries I'm tearing. A drastic change from who I used to be. In unsubtle ways this world has altered me. I'm searching for something worth nailing to my cross. But my search turns up nothing, and my intestines are in knots. Digging and sivving, through heavy, labored, breathing. Rending and bending, through tendons I'm teething. Im dredging up the dead that lay in my mind. I'm trying to find the peace of a sweeter time. But I only go so deep, because of what lies bellow. A skull full of dead rabbits where even Alice wouldn't go. Tying sinew to their paws I make them dance and jest. I fear what I've become because I'm alone and have killed the rest. And yet I'm still smiling through the blood, and the tears, and the pain. Because deep down in my past I've found that I am the one to blame. I have scorched my skies, I have charred my earth. I was my own downfall, to You my Friend. Signed. For what's it's worth.

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Apr 11, 2015

Apr 11, 2015 at 3:48 PM UTC

For What It's Worth

Drilling through flesh to find something worth sparing. Yanking out veins, arteries I'm tearing. A drastic change from who I used to be. In unsubtle ways this world has altered me. I'm searching for something worth nailing to my cross. But my search turns up nothing, and my intestines are in knots. Digging and sivving, through heavy, labored, breathing. Rending and bending, through tendons I'm teething. Im dredging up the dead that lay in my mind. I'm trying to find the peace of a sweeter time. But I only go so deep, because of what lies bellow. A skull full of dead rabbits where even Alice wouldn't go. Tying sinew to their paws I make them dance and jest. I fear what I've become because I'm alone and have killed the rest. And yet I'm still smiling through the blood, and the tears, and the pain. Because deep down in my past I've found that I am the one to blame. I have scorched my skies, I have charred my earth. I was my own downfall, to You my Friend. Signed. For what's it's worth.

11

I remember us all sneaking across fences to grab the cooler full of beers she said were behind her dad's house. The back lights came on and we became swift as wind, running down alongside the river bank laughing and choking drunk all of us were. But we got our beers. I remember leaving the house party, stumbling from one side of town to the other, smashing every pumpkin I saw along the way. When you found me, I was dazed. You said you just followed the guts along side the road and smiled. I remember the bonfire at the moon towers, they drove off the flats in a fit of youth and invincibility. I half heartedly mocked, "they're gonna wreck. " Two hours later we picked them up from the side of a dirt, gravel, road as they walked away from the shattered glass and mangled trees. He still thanks me to this day for the ride home. I remember walking down the street with you and that girl on my back, the street in front of your house. We all looked up for some reason and saw that ghostly flash of light pass across the front of the light pole. We froze, and then calmly walked back to your front porch, ours brains wracked with what it could have been. We still don't know. I remember seeing you at her funeral, you were torn down and she was being laid to rest at an age much to young, only 15. You were with your new boyfriend but you still said you wished it was me by your side and for a moment life didn't seem so grey and hazy. I still never apologized for being who I was. I'm sorry. I remember more about the sleepy little town we all grew in than I care to admit, holding all these moments close to my heart. It was the only place that felt like it accepted me. Even now that everyone is gone and our shades haunt that high school, I still feel a presence when I go back home to visit. Our little Donnie Darko town.

0

Apr 5, 2015

Apr 5, 2015 at 7:54 PM UTC

Something difficult

I remember us all sneaking across fences to grab the cooler full of beers she said were behind her dad's house. The back lights came on and we became swift as wind, running down alongside the river bank laughing and choking drunk all of us were. But we got our beers. I remember leaving the house party, stumbling from one side of town to the other, smashing every pumpkin I saw along the way. When you found me, I was dazed. You said you just followed the guts along side the road and smiled. I remember the bonfire at the moon towers, they drove off the flats in a fit of youth and invincibility. I half heartedly mocked, "they're gonna wreck. " Two hours later we picked them up from the side of a dirt, gravel, road as they walked away from the shattered glass and mangled trees. He still thanks me to this day for the ride home. I remember walking down the street with you and that girl on my back, the street in front of your house. We all looked up for some reason and saw that ghostly flash of light pass across the front of the light pole. We froze, and then calmly walked back to your front porch, ours brains wracked with what it could have been. We still don't know. I remember seeing you at her funeral, you were torn down and she was being laid to rest at an age much to young, only 15. You were with your new boyfriend but you still said you wished it was me by your side and for a moment life didn't seem so grey and hazy. I still never apologized for being who I was. I'm sorry. I remember more about the sleepy little town we all grew in than I care to admit, holding all these moments close to my heart. It was the only place that felt like it accepted me. Even now that everyone is gone and our shades haunt that high school, I still feel a presence when I go back home to visit. Our little Donnie Darko town.

6