I’m sorry
I wear my body like an apology
I’m sorry
I take up so much space
I’m sorry
I speak quietly
Or not at all
Because my voice takes up so much space
And what if someone else wants to talk?
I’m sorry
I push you away
And I’m sorry
I’m insecure
And I’m sorry
I apologize so much.
Aug 17, 2016
Aug 17, 2016 at 11:08 PM UTC
I am well acquainted
with 2 am.
this is not because
I am awake and living and loving
but because
I feel the opposite
the world feels too big for me
at least at 2 am
when it is dark
and I am curled into a ball
hidden under quaking covers
the world feels a little smaller.
maybe
if this world were smaller
I would fit better.
there is too much space
in our world.
it needs to be filled
but i do not feel
deserving enough
to fill it.
Aug 17, 2016
Aug 17, 2016 at 11:06 PM UTC
I am breaking
but I will not ask for help
I cannot risk someone else
getting cut on my edges.
I am drowning
but I do not cry out
help would mean
filling someone else’s pockets with rocks.
I am suffocating
but no help is called
because help means
taking someone else’s air away.
Aug 17, 2016
Aug 17, 2016 at 11:05 PM UTC
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I have lost my ability to speak
Without sorry as in introduction
My words simply take up too much space
I take up too much space
I’m sorry
I push you out
I’ve spent too many nights
Late, lonely nights
Curled up
Silently sobbing
Because noise takes up too much space
I’m sorry
I do not know
What you said to me
I was too busy trying
To determine
how much space I deserve
To occupy
(my answer was none,
So I stayed silent)
I’m sorry
You tell me I’m quiet
You want to hear my voice
But the thing is
I lost it.
I can’t fill space
With easy, meaningless words
For I have been taught to filter
If school has taught me one thing
It is to close my mouth
Do not speak
Someone else likely has something
more important to say.
So I stopped speaking
For my words are lesser
I cannot speak freely anymore
I’m sorry
You don’t think before you speak
I analyze
Then analyze again
Then analyze once more
(or two, three more times)
Because what if it sounds stupid
What if you wanted to speak
What if my words aren’t enough
I’m sorry
That I can never seem to determine
How much space I should take up
And it’s easier to pretend
I occupy none
I have been taught to grow in
Where others have been taught to grow out
For other people need that space
And I am not entitled to it
I’m sorry
I apologize so much
It’s just
My way of warning you
That I am taking a little more space
Than I probably should.
Aug 17, 2016
Aug 17, 2016 at 11:03 PM UTC
1.
Drum beats
pound loudly
replacing your heart beat
in your chest
reaching deep within you
igniting fires and vibrations and causing earthquakes
deep within
2.
lyrics
profound and loud
thousands of voices
singing the same words together
the words we all have imprinted
in our hearts
find a home in this crowd
the words finally flowing
free and loud and passionate
3.
sound
filling you up
every pore, every hole,
no space left for anything else
you are this moment
there is no other time
it is simply now
and it is simply loud
and you are the music
body moving in tune
sound moving through you
4.
music
is everything
this moment
is everything
nothing else matters
everything is okay
everything is pure and lovely and right again
you fit in
there is a home for you
and for everyone like you
in this music
it does not matter you are strangers
you are all one in the same
and this concert is a home for everyone
Mar 10, 2016
Mar 10, 2016 at 9:52 PM UTC
head between my knees
fetal position
don’t eat
on the bathroom floor
tears streaming down my face
skinny
hunger pains
stomach crying out for food
thinspiration
pinching the fat
fat on my thighs
ana ana ana
fat on my stomach
fat everywhere
don’t eat
Will I ever be okay again?
Jan 16, 2016
Jan 16, 2016 at 6:26 PM UTC
i.
I told a girl she was beautiful
and that she should go easy on herself today
why can’t I tell myself the same thing
ii.
My friend told me she has depression
I hugged her while she cried
and told her she would be okay
why can’t I believe that for myself
iii.
I became an online listener
for people who have mental illnesses
and spent hours convincing them
they are good enough
why can’t I convince myself
iv.
I stayed on the phone
to convince my friend not to self harm
for five hours
telling him that it's okay
to be kind to yourself over and over
why can’t I tell myself that
v.
I spend so much time
saving other’s lives
why can’t I remember to save my own?
Dec 30, 2015
Dec 30, 2015 at 7:33 PM UTC
please
do not
make comments
like “I’m going to stuff my face”
this is a trigger
please
do not
mention how fattening the food is
believe me I know
I am a calculator
nothing goes in
without me counting the calories
this is a trigger
this dinner table
is a battleground
i am fighting myself
please
do not
tell me
“its the holidays,
you deserve it”
it is not that simple and
this is a trigger
please
do not
make me a spectacle
If I could eat
whatever you are eating
believe me
I would.
this is a trigger
this dinner table
is a battleground
but I
will beat
my disordered thoughts
Dec 22, 2015
Dec 22, 2015 at 8:03 PM UTC
Hello.
I’m toxic.
you probably don’t want to know me
i hurt everyone I love.
Hello.
I have an eating disorder.
I skip meals.
I don’t love myself.
Hello.
I can’t let people in.
I’m scared of people knowing me.
So i hide away.
Hello.
I’m unconfident.
I need constant assurance.
Am I bothering you?
Hello.
I’m sad most of the time.
I’m not good at being happy.
Sorry I’m always down.
Hello.
How are you?
Dec 17, 2015
Dec 17, 2015 at 9:34 PM UTC
I am
my favorite songs,
books,
movies;
I am my hobbies
my preferences
my thoughts
my art.
I am a collection,
a constellation
of the songs I blast
the words I write,
hanging in a starry sky
of thoughts and dreams.
I am the pieces inside me
not my stomach
not my thighs
not the number on the scale.
I am myself and
I am what I love.
I am not what you have assigned to me.
Dec 17, 2015
Dec 17, 2015 at 9:27 PM UTC