i sit here
thinking
reading all the words i wrote
not too long ago;
though it feels
like that time was years ago.
i still haven't seen you since then
but you are still,
with no doubt,
are on my mind
i read through all the words i wrote
shortly after seeing you
and all the memories come flooding back.
but its my fault,
i did this to myself.
i am the only one to blame
Aug 18, 2013
Aug 18, 2013 at 1:10 AM UTC
sometimes i would find her;
curled in a ball,
music leaking from the earbuds im her ears,
her hands tearing at her hair,
muttering to herself under her breath,
she didn't know i was there
until,
of course
i sat in bed with her
she stayed in her ball
and i knew
i had to get her out of it
i did all i knew that would help
and eventually,
after awhile,
and some prying
she was sprawled out on the bed,
head on my chest,
and breathing even;
but her face
was still ******* up
in a worried state,
but i had gotten used to it,
thats how her face usually was
Jul 17, 2013
Jul 17, 2013 at 11:03 PM UTC
every time i don't think about him
that makes me think about him
because i think
"hey i haven't thought about him in awhile"
and that just makes
the thought of him
come barelling back into my head
i just can't get him out
he always comes back
Jul 9, 2013
Jul 9, 2013 at 3:11 PM UTC
the funny thing is
when i saw you
i thought
you were
so much older than me
(it would've been much easier if that was the case)
but you
had to be the same age as me
just that small fact
made me fall even more in love with you
than i thought possible
Jul 9, 2013
Jul 9, 2013 at 1:38 PM UTC
i'm sorry i'm not what you want
i'm sorry i'm not your idea of "perfect" or "cute"
but you are my idea of perfect
you are the only perfect thing
in my mind
i'm sorry i can't get you out of my head
i'm sorry i relive our memories together everyday
i'm sorry she was better than me
i'm sorry i'm jealous of her
but you are so beautiful
and attractive
in a way i've never seen before
i'm sorry i'm too quiet
i'm sorry i try too hard to get your attention
because your attention is the only thing i want
right now
i'm sorry we had such a small time together
i'm sorry i'm not your "type"
because really
i would do anything to be your "type"
but
there is one thing i'm not sorry for at all
meeting you
because as much heartache as you bring me
i'm very glad i met you
and got to know you
even in that small time
because you are
an amazing
beautiful person
that anyone would be lucky to be loved by
Jul 8, 2013
Jul 8, 2013 at 8:53 PM UTC
you are like a drug
addicting
i can never get enough
i always want more
and more
and more
i just want your touch
one more sniff of your smell
to watch you do what you love
to listen to you talk about it
just so i can listen to your voice
watch you walk
look into your beatiful eyes once more
i just want more of you
but i will never
get any of you
Jul 8, 2013
Jul 8, 2013 at 8:44 PM UTC
he just won't leave
he is still in my head
the memory of him
every memory we made
in the short time we spent together
they play over and over in my head
never ending
i tried to get you out
music and running helped
for a short while
but you always come back
i try writing my feelings out
seeing if that will help
putting you into words
like my other methods
it only helped for a little bit
i guess you're here to stay
you and your memories
stuck in my brain
until i find someone
or something else
to kick you out
Jul 8, 2013
Jul 8, 2013 at 7:50 PM UTC
the next morning i didnt now what to do with myself. i was in a funk, essentially. so i did the only thing i could think of. i wrote a letter back to him.
*hi, um. im not very good at writing letters. and we both know im worse than you with expressing feelings. so im going to try. its probably going to be **** anyways i like the mixtape, its cool. all my favorite songs. i like the thought. thanks. i hope you've been well. i've been ok, could be better.
hows your first year of high school? i hope the upperclassmen aren't too hard on you, because you are a 16-year old freshman. and i hope you found some biker friends.
i know you dont care about my life but i have no one to talk to, so i'll tell you.
well junior year has been- well its definetly been busy, but its been fun. i have a freshman in band that loves me.
well thats all i really have to update on my life.
i hope we can talk soon. maybe even in person.
sincerely,
K*
i put the pen down and read over the letter. i was so lame. i sounded like a robot.
i picked up another piece of paper and started writing again; letting it all come out.
*P.S. well that first part was really lame, i apologize. but i didnt know what to write and i don't have any package to explain, so i was lost. anyways this is real; every following word is true. i might've never said any of these, i might've said all of them. but they are all true.
wow where do i start.
i guess i'll kinda react/respond to things you said in your letter.
i didn't believe in love at first sight until you either. i also remember the first time i saw you. well really saw you. because i dont really remember the first time i saw you. i dont remember much about laying my eyes on you those first few days.
all i really remember is you literally took my breath away. i don't think i've ever felt butterflies like the first time i saw you.
you were on your bike. and of course i thought that was really hot. and i saw you again that time you mentioned. i was so self-concious because i could see you looking at me. i avoided looking at you completely. thats why i walked away right away. and then again (i think that night) when i was beside the playground and you showed up and started talking to my brother.
that night i went to bed happier than i had ever in a while. and then the next day. that was fun, as little as we did, it was the most fun day i've had in a while.
you brought me happiness. even before, you know.
i thought it was the cutest thing how determined you were to get the soccer ball back to me that day.
i loved how you would show up somewhere a few minutes after us.
well i just put everything onto paper for you. your welcome.
i still love you too. but i don't know what to do about this.
you may be the same age as me, but im going to college in a year and a half. you'll still be in high school. what are we going to do then? i don't know. do i want to get back together? i don't know. i don't know anything right now. do you? if you have any idea what to do, tell me please: enlighten me. i really do hope we can talk soon; really soon. i love you. always will, always did.
love, K*
i thought of something and ran to my room, coming back out with notebook in my hand.
*P.P.S. i've attached some things in a notebook. i'll let you figure out what they are by yourself. feel free to use the rest of the notebook for anything. i have other copies of the things in the notebook.
-K*
Jul 8, 2013
Jul 8, 2013 at 6:08 PM UTC
i opened the door, expecting mail only for my parents. but there was a package. with my name on it. i thought i recognize the handwriting but i must've been wrong. no one ever sent me letters, let alone packages.
i put it down on the table and opened it. inside was a CD case and an envelope.
i grabbed my old, decrepit CD player from my room and stuck in the CD. my favorite song blasted from the speakers. becoming more and more curious i opened the envelope.
i did recognize the handwriting.
i sat down and read the messy handwriting that i knew so well.
*this is for you. and for me i guess.
im sorry i **** at openings. so i'll just start the letter.
you know that time i was over your house and you had to clean your room? so you left me with a computer? well i went on your itunes account and put some of your music on my phone so i could make this for you. a mixtape. im **** at telling people how i feel, so i do it through music. and i know you dont like the kind of music i like, so i used yours. (dont hate me for that) i made this to try and tell you all that im feeling. its quite random. but i tried to cover each and every one of my feelings. and i think it worked out pretty well. some are sad, some are angry, some are sentimental, like i said its random. but its my feelings. i hope you like it. its the first time i've ever made one of these so im sorry if its bad.*
i put the letter on the table and my head in my hands.
when i went to pick it up, another piece of paper fell onto the floor. i picked it up, the handwriting the same as the other piece of paper in my hand. i sat down again and sighed as i began to read.
*P.S. i know it was a mutual descsion to, to be apart i guess. and i know we needed space. but i have one thing to say. i still love you. i always did. i always will. ever since i first saw you at the campground, i loved you. i never knew love at first sight existed until i saw you. i remember the exact moment i first saw you and fell in love. it was that night i was with your brother. you came over and asked him to do something. i dont know what you said, all i can remember is looking at you and my lungs caving in. your hair was in ponytail but the ends were thrown over your shoulder, just enough so i could see the blue. faded blue, but you wore it perfectly. i remember watching you walk away. my eyes following your every curve. trying to memorize it because i thought i would never get to see you again. and then that night. after your shower i guess. i saw you. then you went into your campsite and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. you were so close.
i watched you everyday. and i know you watched me too.
and i know i hurt you when i flirt with your cousin. it was stupid. i just didnt know how to get you attention. so i thought flirting with someone else would. and i know i hurt her too, because she thought i liked her. it was the stupidest thing i've ever done and i wont ever do it again.
i just wanted you to know all of this because i know i never told you any of this. i love you. always will. i just wanted you to know.
love, L*
i just put the paper down and cried.
Jul 8, 2013
Jul 8, 2013 at 1:34 PM UTC
i dont know what I'M doing
im so lost in this world
in my mind
i feel like SCREAMING out
"i cant do this"
but no one would hear what comes OUT
they pay me no mind
BUT i go on
fighting
i chant in my head "i can do this"
endlessly
i act like NOTHING is wrong
everyone is deceived
we all go along our everyday activities
"im doing it"
but IS it going to last much longer
i don't know
i still scream everyday silently
but yet again
not one noise
is HEARD
im done
i give up
goodbye
Jul 8, 2013
Jul 8, 2013 at 10:11 AM UTC