bedroomvoid - Hello Poetry

i am made of stardust i’ll fly to the cosmos have a slow dance with my dearest my one and only love and hold them tightly i deserved a love that cherishes me like i have cherished countless others a love that never touched with malice i deserved a love that doesn’t hurt i look to the stars and see my reflection my one and only my dearest and hardest love to manage it’s the year of appreciation a millennia of self love i deserve this i am worthy of this i always deserved a love that doesn’t hurt

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Dec 8, 2023

Dec 8, 2023 at 12:42 AM UTC

slow dance in the cosmos

i am made of stardust i’ll fly to the cosmos have a slow dance with my dearest my one and only love and hold them tightly i deserved a love that cherishes me like i have cherished countless others a love that never touched with malice i deserved a love that doesn’t hurt i look to the stars and see my reflection my one and only my dearest and hardest love to manage it’s the year of appreciation a millennia of self love i deserve this i am worthy of this i always deserved a love that doesn’t hurt

17

i said no before but you kept asking i was scared of you tall and stronger unpredictable and manic i said no but you wouldn’t leave pinned down by blankets and body weight i thought this was normal we were friends beforehand i said no but i said yes in the end do you do this with other people? are they scared of you too? i can’t leave my bed i can’t feel my body the sight of myself revolts me i said no but you thought it was fine i’m scared to tell our friends you have two different personas i know they would believe you one half lives on anger and hatred but the other half wishes the best i hope you find a comfortable place to grow i hope you feel comfortable in hell

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Dec 3, 2023

Dec 3, 2023 at 11:44 PM UTC

cold judgement

i said no before but you kept asking i was scared of you tall and stronger unpredictable and manic i said no but you wouldn’t leave pinned down by blankets and body weight i thought this was normal we were friends beforehand i said no but i said yes in the end do you do this with other people? are they scared of you too? i can’t leave my bed i can’t feel my body the sight of myself revolts me i said no but you thought it was fine i’m scared to tell our friends you have two different personas i know they would believe you one half lives on anger and hatred but the other half wishes the best i hope you find a comfortable place to grow i hope you feel comfortable in hell

22

staring at the wall for hours a gentle check up or empty small talk we share pictures and stories together the tears come down eventually we held each other without a sound the room is full of memories a wrinkled hand holding mine speaking our native tongue cold hands but a warm heart stories from ages ago from a land i never knew how i wish to hug you longer but no amount of time is long enough so i regret the days i left you alone

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Sep 21, 2023

Sep 21, 2023 at 7:58 PM UTC

grief

staring at the wall for hours a gentle check up or empty small talk we share pictures and stories together the tears come down eventually we held each other without a sound the room is full of memories a wrinkled hand holding mine speaking our native tongue cold hands but a warm heart stories from ages ago from a land i never knew how i wish to hug you longer but no amount of time is long enough so i regret the days i left you alone

14

it’s more than just an episode it’s the constant passing thoughts it’s the feeling of nonchalantly walking never looking at red or green lights it’s another “did you take your lamictal?” then enduring the feeling they won’t come in waves it’ll come in tsunamis it’s crying on a saturday night every inpatient has negative reviews “will you visit me?” “i’m so scared” hold my hand in the ambulance it’s screaming at the top of your lungs you’re still under observation not just by white coats but the ones who left generational trauma “can we let them go?” “i’m sure they’ll be fine” it’s being amazed at making it this far living with fear of the future unsure of my own watching you prosper and grow my heart full of love and admiration wishes to grow old together yet i know won’t make it to 26 yet although i feel so much hate and i carry all this angry and despair i’ll still have my love for the world and those who love me too i can make room for it

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Apr 15, 2023

Apr 15, 2023 at 3:44 PM UTC

bipolar

it’s more than just an episode it’s the constant passing thoughts it’s the feeling of nonchalantly walking never looking at red or green lights it’s another “did you take your lamictal?” then enduring the feeling they won’t come in waves it’ll come in tsunamis it’s crying on a saturday night every inpatient has negative reviews “will you visit me?” “i’m so scared” hold my hand in the ambulance it’s screaming at the top of your lungs you’re still under observation not just by white coats but the ones who left generational trauma “can we let them go?” “i’m sure they’ll be fine” it’s being amazed at making it this far living with fear of the future unsure of my own watching you prosper and grow my heart full of love and admiration wishes to grow old together yet i know won’t make it to 26 yet although i feel so much hate and i carry all this angry and despair i’ll still have my love for the world and those who love me too i can make room for it

31

erase your manic thoughts leave the ones that keep you guessing 15 unread messages count how many objectify you stare at the same photos watch them change over the hours are you there? have you fallen back into old habits? you still rely on physical touch expecting a hand to hold yours is the cure read your thoughts again 1am manic thoughts delete the panicked desperation 25 unread messages count how many you’ll ignore stare at the same wall watch it while tears fall are you still there? has anything changed? you expect company to fulfill your needs when you’re terrified of the unknown pull an all nighter all the thoughts are complied we don’t know delete the messages don’t bother to read anymore stare at the sky bring the tar back in your lungs are you always going to be there? are you put together? find your own peace make your own company proceed in your manic decisions wait until you can love yourself maybe someone will love you the same

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Feb 21, 2023

Feb 21, 2023 at 2:17 PM UTC

potential lovers, potential phantoms

erase your manic thoughts leave the ones that keep you guessing 15 unread messages count how many objectify you stare at the same photos watch them change over the hours are you there? have you fallen back into old habits? you still rely on physical touch expecting a hand to hold yours is the cure read your thoughts again 1am manic thoughts delete the panicked desperation 25 unread messages count how many you’ll ignore stare at the same wall watch it while tears fall are you still there? has anything changed? you expect company to fulfill your needs when you’re terrified of the unknown pull an all nighter all the thoughts are complied we don’t know delete the messages don’t bother to read anymore stare at the sky bring the tar back in your lungs are you always going to be there? are you put together? find your own peace make your own company proceed in your manic decisions wait until you can love yourself maybe someone will love you the same

35

there’s a desire inside me craving warmth but only frost on the bones hold me again i hate the lonely feeling i don’t want to feel ice in my heart i want to feel a presence next to mine insomniac eyes and blue fingers empty plates on the desk i can’t leave my bed i can’t feel my body i miss you i miss the way i’m supposed to be to feel alive again is the holiest honor to leave my bed is all i needed but i’ll sit in silence for another few years until hospital beds consume me whole i’ll let them hold me again just like you used to

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Dec 19, 2022

Dec 19, 2022 at 10:53 PM UTC

inpatient

there’s a desire inside me craving warmth but only frost on the bones hold me again i hate the lonely feeling i don’t want to feel ice in my heart i want to feel a presence next to mine insomniac eyes and blue fingers empty plates on the desk i can’t leave my bed i can’t feel my body i miss you i miss the way i’m supposed to be to feel alive again is the holiest honor to leave my bed is all i needed but i’ll sit in silence for another few years until hospital beds consume me whole i’ll let them hold me again just like you used to

18

i want to live every moment with you to hear your voice is a holy honor your smile could grow flowers your heart could break barriers the ones i’ve built from past anger but i’ve never known comfort until you held me body to body your soul gripped mine i would give up caring for me and my mind if i could only care for yours only agony ruins through veins only the thoughts linger here black hair, enfold me let me bite one last time i hate the bitter taste but life is wine when you’re around i want to live every moment with you your smile could grow flowers an angel speaks to me in your body it tells me “i love you” one last time

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Dec 18, 2022

Dec 18, 2022 at 6:39 PM UTC

growing flowers

i want to live every moment with you to hear your voice is a holy honor your smile could grow flowers your heart could break barriers the ones i’ve built from past anger but i’ve never known comfort until you held me body to body your soul gripped mine i would give up caring for me and my mind if i could only care for yours only agony ruins through veins only the thoughts linger here black hair, enfold me let me bite one last time i hate the bitter taste but life is wine when you’re around i want to live every moment with you your smile could grow flowers an angel speaks to me in your body it tells me “i love you” one last time

19

there’s an overwhelming loneliness that burns from the chambers don’t listen to the voicemail i left from the nights i’ve sobbed in my pillow i can’t remember the last time it felt old lovers remember it fondly but i remember waiting by the phone i’ve spent a lifetime in the dark and learned the lesson that’ll haunt me there’s no voice who will call no voice to tell me i’m what they wanted start swallowing your pride and remember it it’s just you an overwhelming mess a manic storm i will never be the one they needed only a temporary hold but never something permanent i’ll leave more voicemails in the dark i’ll send the chamber to hell i’ll ignore all the lessons give it another lifetime maybe i’ll remember it fondly too

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Dec 3, 2022

Dec 3, 2022 at 10:33 PM UTC

the chambers

there’s an overwhelming loneliness that burns from the chambers don’t listen to the voicemail i left from the nights i’ve sobbed in my pillow i can’t remember the last time it felt old lovers remember it fondly but i remember waiting by the phone i’ve spent a lifetime in the dark and learned the lesson that’ll haunt me there’s no voice who will call no voice to tell me i’m what they wanted start swallowing your pride and remember it it’s just you an overwhelming mess a manic storm i will never be the one they needed only a temporary hold but never something permanent i’ll leave more voicemails in the dark i’ll send the chamber to hell i’ll ignore all the lessons give it another lifetime maybe i’ll remember it fondly too

23

it came back with a vengeance bed unmade, bare mattress alive a pile of cups on the desk half empty, staring at the ground swim through filth that bite ankles clothes becoming an island bottles upon bottles on the nightstand a pill, or two, maybe four they float along the dirt there’s no motivation, no energy the mattress will hold me hostage it won’t relent to choke me with springs it has been my longest friend after all my one and lonely it came back with a vengeance it let my heart rate slow down and i only hope it’ll let it stop

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Nov 23, 2022

Nov 23, 2022 at 1:13 PM UTC

it came back with a vengeance

it came back with a vengeance bed unmade, bare mattress alive a pile of cups on the desk half empty, staring at the ground swim through filth that bite ankles clothes becoming an island bottles upon bottles on the nightstand a pill, or two, maybe four they float along the dirt there’s no motivation, no energy the mattress will hold me hostage it won’t relent to choke me with springs it has been my longest friend after all my one and lonely it came back with a vengeance it let my heart rate slow down and i only hope it’ll let it stop

17

“though you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, i simply am not there” i think fondly of the quote something that made me think i'm inhuman i have never really been there you were never really here how fitting it’s another year of unwanted sadness within every year of aging i feel hollow on the inside don’t perceive me don’t acknowledge me all i am is empty i don’t want to grow old i’m stuck with a fear of myself i won’t die on my own terms i won’t hold eternal beauty what is a birthday? what is even worth celebrating?

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Nov 21, 2022

Nov 21, 2022 at 11:57 AM UTC

mortal views of celebration

“though you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, i simply am not there” i think fondly of the quote something that made me think i'm inhuman i have never really been there you were never really here how fitting it’s another year of unwanted sadness within every year of aging i feel hollow on the inside don’t perceive me don’t acknowledge me all i am is empty i don’t want to grow old i’m stuck with a fear of myself i won’t die on my own terms i won’t hold eternal beauty what is a birthday? what is even worth celebrating?

18