and when its all over and all the knives are thrown
i pull them out and sew myself up again
i always wonder why i stand against the wall
and when theres no winner, i load up again and we play Russian roulette all over
i brush myself off again
i teach myself to breathe again
i do it all on my own
no one teaches me to cope
im here by myself
me against it all
when its all said and done no ones loved me more than me
no ones ever believed in me more than me
im the only one who sticks around
Oct 26, 2023
Oct 26, 2023 at 11:43 PM UTC
i thought when i got older i would stop being so sad
truthfully i just got better at hiding it
i got better at acting
i guess thats growth
i guess i did stop being so sad
is it real if no one knows?
i try to talk but most days i cant
the days i do the words flow like a waterfall and i talk too much
i thought being sober would help
but i miss my rose colored view
the real world is scary
getting old is too
all this talk about reality lately has me wondering what im gonna do when im all grown up
im almost 22 now and i got my innocence stolen when i was only a kid
did that stunt my growth? am i stuck like this?
i find peace in knowing that bad days dont last
but when they’re so many of them it kind cancels that out
im really optimistic most days but im still a pessimist at the wrong times
they say if you dont like something you should change it
but since i can remember i hated change
we moved alot as a kid and i still get anxious from the smell of new paint
i went to therapy for the first time today in almost a year and i guess it made me think
maybe my rose colored view is still here
theres so many things wrong and i dont see them
but other people do
i guess im just comfortable
and the bad things started to feel like home
i dont want to move yet
i get anxious from the smell of new pain
Jun 24, 2020
Jun 24, 2020 at 1:16 AM UTC
i take a piece from both of my parents
my mothers sensitivity, and longing of the feeling of love.
her hypochondria, and her attitude.
when i was younger i promised id be nothing like her, we always seemed to but heads but as i grow older i see so much of her in me.
i see my father’s manipulative ways in me,
the way i pick people apart until they scream.
i was cursed with his argumentative ways, and his strong opinions.
i watched my father tell my mother she was less of what she was my whole life, and shes wiped her own tears. kept her head high. fed the kids like she was told and washed the dishes when she was done.
they never slept in the same bed. never kissed. never hugged.
when they broke up, i was confused. i thought that was love?
he always made it so clear he never needed her, he rubbed it in her face, and she still stayed. for 9,125 days she stayed. she convinced herself it was love. she convinced herself she was doing the right thing by inhaling his insecurities but she knew it was wrong.
she left.
he broke,
he needed her she didnt need him.
he needed her to hold him together because he was the one who was really broken.
he was feeding off of her and he couldnt stand seeing her not need him.
they broke up 8 years ago and hes never let a woman even come close to taking her place.
watching that taught me to see whats in front of you.
now im proud to be like my mom.
May 19, 2020
May 19, 2020 at 2:58 PM UTC
when i first had picked you i was aware of the thorns,
i grabbed you.
full fist around you’re spine and the prickles went deeper then i thought.
i bled,
they left scars.
i shaved them away, but theres still traces of them.
where i had removed them, theres still a mark. a scar almost.
when i run my hand across them they’re still rough.
do you miss them? did you expect them to keep me away?
when i latched on, pulled you free i didnt flinch. i took the pain. the drops of blood from the wounds didnt scare me,
i felt empowered almost.,
i was strong enough to take the pain.
when its all over, ill replant you.
maybe the thorns will come back,
i just hope whoever’s interested next embraces the defiance.
loves you for your rough parts.
because even with the protection you use to shield the rest away you were always still beautiful to me.
the thorns wont keep me away.
May 18, 2020
May 18, 2020 at 9:35 PM UTC
if no one understands why should i talk?
i understand myself thats enough
he understands me too most of the time
atleast he doesnt talk back
i dont want help
anyone’s comments
anyone
it doesnt help
he understands and so do i
it hurts
only for a few days it will show
and than after its blurred no one will know
only him and i
we’re the only ones who need to know
we wont even speak on it either
i think about it alot
when i look at him
when he kisses me
when he tells me he loves me i think about it
but i wont tell him
i wont let it show
im not mad i promise
i forgave you remember?
we’ll be okay
we love eachother
i think
well i love him
if he does it again i wont forgive
i probably will
he just gets mad
i love him
he loves me
we understand
Mar 21, 2020
Mar 21, 2020 at 2:57 PM UTC
i have a big heart
its filled to the brim
its currently overflowing
im drowning
im under water
i cant swim
i guess i could just take the suffocating inhale it
if that makes any sense?
i have too much in me right now too much of everything but im just not sure what everything is
out of sight out of mind right?
so why wont you unlock eyes with me
i turn around and you face me towards you
yes i know im capable of walking away
but when i try my feet are still
tunnel vision
im overflowing
i cant swim
Mar 17, 2020
Mar 17, 2020 at 1:41 PM UTC
i never thought it would go this far
i always knew we’d always have our problems that was just us
i thought it’d always be like that
now im scared i didnt know i loved you this deeply my heart is crying for you my soul is screaming for you im thinking about you im asking about you im looking for you im calling you im texting you you you you
i cant escape you im not trying to
you wont let go and neither will i
but im scared
please wait until i dont love you until move on
is that selfish?
im so sorry im so sorry
i could say it a million times and it wont even mean enough
they will never be you they never were you no ones better than you no one laughs like you no one touches like you no one kisses like you no one sounds like you no one makes me me like you i love you
i love you i love you i love you
why didn’t i know?
i did know but i didnt know
i want to scream i want to scream your name
im angry im sad im broken im lost
without YOU
i love YOU
i miss YOU
you’re still here but there’s boundaries now
i dont wanna call and ask where you are
now i wait for you to text back
i never did that before
im so scared you’ll move on
im so scared right now
i dont want to miss you forever
i dont want to love you forever if you’re not here with me
please i want to fight again
please i want you to yell at me
please i want you to hit me i dont care if you do anymore
as long as you stay please im so sorry
theres no other words that i can think of
im overflowing with regret and anxiety
im so empty but im overflowing
i want to escape i want to fall off the earth
can i meet you again?
i know you love me
i know you do i see it in your eyes you cant stay away from me
i love you too probably more than you love me
you wont stay away from me i feel so evil
this is MY fault
i want you so close right now and you feel the same way
i want you to look at me how you did the first day we met
i feel bad when i tell you i love you because it doesnt mean anything to you anymore
THEY WERNT YOU
i love you
what hurts the most when i think about it is i keep telling you how i feel and im sorry
how do you feel? are you okay?
i want to hold you and you wont let me
we haven’t kissed in days
i dont even want to make love i just want to hold you smell you breathe you in i miss you and you’re still here does that make sense?
im so guilty im so sorry
i know you’re not innocent either
but i dont care
because that was us
you made mistakes and i soaked them up
that was us
i was supposed to be perfect and clean up the mess
pick up when you call
clean up when you get hurt
it was my job and i loved it
now i hurt you and i dont know what to do
and you’re excepting it thats what hurts more
you arnt letting go
you’re pulling me close
i love you i want to scream
i love you i love you no one will ever understand us bo one ever did
you’re my best friend
everyone says your bad i dont see it
i love you so much no one sees you how i do
i dont care if they do they dont need to
it took me losing you to change
my phones ready now you can look at it
you can go on it now i promise
im such a hypocrite
you’ve been telling me you dont know me
that you never did
i promise you i gave you me 100%
i have issues ive been trying to fix
but for you ill do anything
ill jump through fire walk around the whole world 10x and do it once more over again
just to keep you here forever
my sanity
i know thats such a burden i wont tell you thats what you are
but ive never loved like this i didnt expect it to go this far
im not gonna lie im a little scared
i want to run and give up
but later on i know ill regret if i do
its me and you forever i know right now is a little hard
but keep holding on tight and ill hold on tighter
i love you forever and a day and a night and a afternoon
i love you with all my heart and my kidney my liver my lungs
through the simple and the struggle
i love you
Mar 17, 2020
Mar 17, 2020 at 1:40 PM UTC
good memories of you are what get me through my day
any memories of you
the smile on your face
the way you sing along to songs
the way you laugh
the way you drag jokes
even how you look when you’re mad
i promise i cant let you down i never will
picturing my days without you leaves me empty
i cant wash you out of my hair
you’re mine
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 3:28 AM UTC
are you going to miss me when im gone?
you’ve pushed me this far, i hope you’ve thought of it
im on the edge now im not thinking how i used to
im weighing out the pro’s and con’s now
am i gaining anything anymore?
everythings become so heavy
i hate to think of you like this
i hate to wish the worst but can you leave?
you know i won’t
you know i need you
ive been told about you
people like you
but i turned blind
when i look at you it’s complete tunnel vision theres nothing but you and i
i need you
the door isnt locked from the outside anymore
now i have full control
you wont leave
do you love me how i love you?
im watering you and i think you’re growing
but theres not enough water for me
you’re blocking the sun
i know if i move it will hit me
im still
im still here
i opened every piece of me to you i let you inside
you open the door for me
when i have one foot in you close it
where do i go from here?
i talk for hours
your eyes are blank
you arnt like me
i talk for hours
you tell me what i want to hear
maybe you’re just like me
maybe im not the right one
maybe i dont have the right key
you tell me i do
but why wont the door unlock
mine has been open i dont lock it anymore
but that gives anyone the right to just walk in
ill miss you when im gone
theres days where you fill me up until im overflowing
but the next day im gasping for air i cant take it anymore
where did you go
you were different yesterday
you were different today
you’ll be different tomorrow
ill miss you when im gone
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 3:01 AM UTC
i think now is a good time to say goodbye
i wish i could replay the start
relive the first day over and over
revisit the day that reminds me of why you’re mine
now i cant remember
you became so cold
that day we met in December will always be my favorite
you made me forget what hurts
i had to keep you around
now your causing my darkness to arise
you want me to suffer i feel it
you wont give me a answer
you became so cold
but my love is so pure it’s so real how could you ignore it?
its 100 proof and its customized just for you
it was built around you and only you
i got to know the real you
i think my ignorance was bliss
i see how cold you are now
i would’ve never imagined this version of you when we first met i wouldn’t have been able to make this up it my head
me and you
were summer and winter
my burning passion leaves 3rd degree burns
when your cold touch gives me frost bite
what happened to the man i thought i knew?
now you’re pushing me in a corner
now i’m trapped i don’t know what to do
will you tell me you love me so i don’t give up?
or will you leave me to create things in my head
you leave me with nothing to hold on to
just bitter sweet memories
most of them blue
i just wanted to be your girl
but now i think its a good time to say goodbye
but ill always remind you how i miss you
Jul 16, 2019
Jul 16, 2019 at 4:03 AM UTC