people who cry way too much know the signs of a breakdown like the back of their hands.
this is sort of like predicting a tsunami.
these people would be good at
forecasting the weather report
on channel nine action news
in the evening.
2015 was not a banner year for me
but lowering my expectations of life is no use because i wouldn't have anything to live for
in the morning
see in the winter
i survive because the weatherman tells me that spring
is on it's way.
my heart is still
heavy with icicles
my eyes are still
producing a sixth ocean
every other day
that my hands are tired of drying
because it loosens their grip on the future
i cling so tightly to
Aug 21, 2015
Aug 21, 2015 at 3:35 PM UTC
from my window i can see our cloud
it is full of rain but frantically
running through the sky as if fire was after it
as if fire
beats water
if you think about the sun
you remember that it's made of fire
we forget that the sun is just another star
that offered to give us autographs
every summer on our skin
oh! sweet summertime,
splashing in ocean waves
or a five minute thunderstorm
i raise my smile to the sky and salute the clouds
whispering a reminder through the wind that the sun is nothing to be afraid of
or worshiped
it's just there, it's like all of us
we're just here
and i think the fact that we don't fall off the planet
even though we're sticking off of it sideways
is proof enough that we're doing just fine here
Jun 20, 2015
Jun 20, 2015 at 5:21 PM UTC
the prettiest girls are the deadliest
right?
we drowned our sorrows in counting the tomorrows that would have to happen before we got to that day
the alcohol i'm drinking is disgusting
but so am i
for kissing guys just for the fun of it
i paid the price for it
for a while i thought i was a misunderstood heroine in a young adult novel
but i'm the nemesis
i'm not the girl you want to dive into
i'm the girl you want to push off the pages
i'm not alaska
i'm more like wisconsin
approximately two people give a **** about wisconsin
i'm not happy right now
i don't know when i will be
but someone promised me i'm worth it
so i poured the rest of the disgusting alcohol down the drain
and i guess that's all
for tonight
Apr 12, 2015
Apr 12, 2015 at 10:15 AM UTC
the best version of myself exists in clearance-nike-outlet-wear
pulling up hair made blonde by the sunshine
bending over tanned and strong legs
tying shoelaces
and laughing musical notes
willingly escaping genuine smiles
my tummy is strong then, but with soft edges
i'm proud because it's held my body together all these years
i'm proud because it will carry a mini human
someday
inside my head there are coloring books
sprawled across a playroom factory
and all the gears are turning and i'm functioning
i'm breathing
my heart is beating
and i'm not scared of eating girl scout cookies when i'm with my girls in clearance-nike-outlet-wear
i'm not scared to let laughs float to the surface
or hiccups
i'm not scared of anything at all
we're real together
and we have freckly runner legs
that love splashing in the puddles our tears make
we're not always gonna be together
we are always gonna be real
together
Mar 24, 2015
Mar 24, 2015 at 1:30 PM UTC
it really fuqing ***** when people dismiss you.
there are two things that salt my spit
being underestimated
and being taken for granted
i know i'm not what you're demanding
but here's a fun fact
i'm me.
it's seeming like that's not enough these days.
i'm about one-point-seven anxiety attacks away
from packing my things and searching for a spot i belong;
i'm ninety-nine percent sure it's not here anymore.
don't bother saying you'll miss me
even if i screamed you wouldn't listen to me
Mar 12, 2015
Mar 12, 2015 at 11:49 PM UTC
it's not a coincidence that our names both start with the best letter of the alphabet
after all i
always loved apples
(it's midnight but i haven't eaten since lunch because i was too busy gorging myself on poison jealous ivy to notice my stomach was turning itself inside out again)
you
always had a certain audacity
i look for sparks in people, and you had one
you deserved to wear the letter A as your lipstick
and when life kicked me in the *** you said gee don't these bruises ****
you showed me yours
we agreed that at least if it kicks us in the ***** we won't hurt
which made me laugh
you make me laugh
as many times as i breathe i think,
i wish i could have an E
but eudrey wouldn't make sense and neither would elison so can we freaking wear our A's like we we were meant to
i love ya kiddo
the scissors are pink like what my favorite color used to be
but now they're on the floor chillin like the villains they are because basic insert the face
i don't need them now
however shaky my self-love is
i'm doing this for you
Mar 1, 2015
Mar 1, 2015 at 1:30 AM UTC
i imagine your color to be a crystalline blue
clear and sharp, like truth
and beautifully complex, like the sea.
like the sea your brain waves flow in
intricate patterns and the tide
brings serenity to the shore
and out again
in
and out again
every now and then
i think about the way we'll look at each other
when we're twenty-three and living off of
not enough money, a few cups of coffee,
and maybe five hours of sleep
i think we'll be glowing
with flushed cheeks that come from the energy
of being the world
with bright eyes that come from
starting our lives
we might be broke
but not quite so broken
anymore.
see i've decided we can flip off the **** that happens to us
because hell even blair waldorf
stuck her fingers down her throat
in high school
and then made herself into a most exceptional
queen bee
so the tide comes in.
the beat goes on.
we breathe.
hear the air molecules rushing through your body
it's a race as they chase the carbon dioxide
the tide
comes in
it must have been the boat of good ideas
that brought us together and togibs
so i don't doubt that life is worth living,
at the end of the day.
i have you,
our souls
connected by this crystalline blue
i wrote a poem for you once
about it
Jan 21, 2015
Jan 21, 2015 at 4:37 PM UTC
i was never a daisy.
i dislike the term "dainty"
and i'm tainted with dark and broken beauty.
instead of absorbing water i leak it
my knees go weak when my freakish mind is left behind
see my blue iris eyes don't always symbolize
faith and hope
like the iris flowers do
peonies can live through winters and bloom in the spring
but that's not really my thing and
january days can make me wither away under skies of gray
oh those nights oh those nights
i'll slay my own brain one of these
roses have thorns,
thorns have roses
but i wouldn't buy a bouquet of me
for fifty george washingtons
in this garden
held in by a white picket fence
you won't find me,
i promise.
tiger lilies have spots
on fiery orange petals
that grow wildly
not mildly
i was never a daisy.
or an iris rose peony
right now
i'm a tiger lily
because i'm inventing myself again.
but being a princess in neverland
means i never have to change again
so sleep tight, i just might have found me.
Jan 18, 2015
Jan 18, 2015 at 12:31 PM UTC
the same dad who doesn't know how to spell my middle name
has me gather the trash every monday night.
it's trash night,
he says.
i woke up this morning with a pink ponytail holder on my wrist that wasn't mine
which someone must have used to tie my hair back
as i vomited half a bottle of ***** into that godforsaken porcelain bowl
which is to say that one way or another a&e; most definitely
took
new year's eve
and being drunk is fun but annie get your gun because you'll read about your laughy happy self in the news the next day and you'll want to shoot yourself in the head, honey you
made yourself trash night
if you give a mouse a cookie
if you give a girl anxiety
she's going to want a drink to go with it
but while drunk is temporary
sunk sure feels permanent
but so what
aud
you're at the bottom of the heap
you have broken bones and unknowns
you left people and pieces of who you thought you were behind
you can't find your way to wonderland lately and you're
shaking
because voices are calling you trash.
the same trash
that you collect on monday nights
but lil homie you're pretty **** recyclable
so you fell apart
put yourself together again, one more time
maybe one of many
don't use the same parts this time
or do
use whatever you choose
build her from legos and lilacs and laughter and after
wards if you breathe words into her she'll come right to life just like
she always does.
but you're not trash,
audrey nicole without an h
i don't care what you drink as long as you stop feeding
yourself lies like that.
you're not invincible, no.
but even with eighty pound weights tied to each of your feet
you'd never be sunk
forever.
Jan 2, 2015
Jan 2, 2015 at 3:43 AM UTC
do you spell nicole with an h or no h
my question for you father is do i spell neglected with the prefix emotionally or was the one time you told me you loved me supposed to make up for all of that
i can still hear it
through my post-suicidal brain
believe it or not
I remember how to spell YOUR middle name
i guess i thought family
would be bound by more iron strings than intelligence genes or my-god-that's-a-lot-of money
and i guess i thought fathers
of daughters dying of anorexia
would give up the scales in a slowed-down heartbeat
instead of masking them in more excuses
hidden beneath hardwood floors
but then i also thought forever
existed outside of neverland
so i see i was naive.
just tell me one thing
do you even love me
or was this an experiment gone wrong
that you feign concern for half-heartedly.
Dec 22, 2014
Dec 22, 2014 at 11:10 PM UTC