assleysmith - Hello Poetry

The boy that she would never admit that she loved standing in front of her never knew how much she hated herself but now he did. She's the reason this boy whose smile could light up the world was staring at her with tears in his eyes. The same eyes that resembled the loving hues of blue that laid on the seas and if you stared into them for too long their soft currents could lull you to sleep. But his eyes looking down at her right now were nothing like the peaceful currents of the sea. His black pupils were surrounded by the darkest blues from the angriest parts of the ocean. The waves crashing and churning, threatening to spill over his lashes and down his beautifully porcelain cheeks. And for that, she could never forgive her self.

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:44 AM UTC

Porcelain 1

The boy that she would never admit that she loved standing in front of her never knew how much she hated herself but now he did. She's the reason this boy whose smile could light up the world was staring at her with tears in his eyes. The same eyes that resembled the loving hues of blue that laid on the seas and if you stared into them for too long their soft currents could lull you to sleep. But his eyes looking down at her right now were nothing like the peaceful currents of the sea. His black pupils were surrounded by the darkest blues from the angriest parts of the ocean. The waves crashing and churning, threatening to spill over his lashes and down his beautifully porcelain cheeks. And for that, she could never forgive her self.

13

To my room I feel confined. Trapped. A prisoner of my own mind. Ceilings are getting taller Sweat soaking my collar My throat is getting smaller I am barely able to call out her name. I am getting smaller but my vices and flaws are not reacting the... same. The shame becomes too much and suddenly these made up floors turn into made up dust and the hate I can feel it in the back of this room. my mind. its calling... these made up floors turn into dust and suddenly I'm falling. The pain I feel it in my ears my mouth, these locked doors. I'm falling. Suddenly there is dust all around me and I'm no longer standing on made up floors. Suddenly. The hurt I feel it in the boarded windows, or... my eyes? The hurt I feel it like a shooting pain from wall to wall it stings my thighs. Suddenly? suddenly... the floors, the dust, it's all lies. and suddenly I'm falling. I have been falling. I am still falling. How long have I been falling.

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:17 AM UTC

A Slam Poem

To my room I feel confined. Trapped. A prisoner of my own mind. Ceilings are getting taller Sweat soaking my collar My throat is getting smaller I am barely able to call out her name. I am getting smaller but my vices and flaws are not reacting the... same. The shame becomes too much and suddenly these made up floors turn into made up dust and the hate I can feel it in the back of this room. my mind. its calling... these made up floors turn into dust and suddenly I'm falling. The pain I feel it in my ears my mouth, these locked doors. I'm falling. Suddenly there is dust all around me and I'm no longer standing on made up floors. Suddenly. The hurt I feel it in the boarded windows, or... my eyes? The hurt I feel it like a shooting pain from wall to wall it stings my thighs. Suddenly? suddenly... the floors, the dust, it's all lies. and suddenly I'm falling. I have been falling. I am still falling. How long have I been falling.

37

Sitting in front of TV screens at 5 years old. Watching them dance. Watching them sing. Watching them act. I just want to be famous. Extra days at the bar only 10 years old. Turn faster. Jump higher. Split bigger. I just want to be famous. Dances. Birthdays. Family dinners. I can't I have practice. I can't I have practice. I can't I have practice. I just want to be famous. All nighters in the studio 15 years old. Write faster. Sing higher. Perform bigger. I just want to be famous. Parties, tests, sports. I can't I have to rehearse. I can't I have to rehearse. I can't I have to rehearse. I just want to be famous. Spending hours staring at myself in the mirror 18 years old. Lose weight faster. Cheekbones higher. **** bigger. I just want to be famous. Dates, interviews, entry exams. I can't I have an audition, I can't I have an audition, I can't I have an audition. I just want to be famous. Spend my weekends at competitions Dance. Perform. Smile. I just want to be famous. Spend my nights doing shows. Sing. Perform. Smile. I just want to be famous. Spend my breaks filming. Act. Perform. Smile. I just want to be famous. Tours at 20 Travelling the world. Fans at 20 Inspiring people who are just like I was Money at 20 Being paid to do what I loved Alone at 20 No dances, no parties, no dates Bored at 20 No birthdays, no tests, no interviews. Finished at 20 No family dinners, no sports, no entrance exams. Famous at 20 I just want to be happy.

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:13 AM UTC

Famous

53

Inside of me, I Feel condemned to loneliness. Feel disowned by hope. Feel abandoned by my thoughts. Feel betrayed by all love. Feel the empty void. Feel nothing. This void inside me came in waves washing anything good there was of me before. Its persuasive current stealing my faith, its irresistible undertow robbing me of my talent, 'an ocean' if that swallowing all of my joy. In fact, this feeling can't even be compared to an ocean. If I were to do so I'd be compared to an ocean that's depth seems to reach into a different universe a different dimension. An ocean that's Vaster than the Atlantic. Ampler than the Indian. More open than the Pacific. Wider than the Arctic. More colossal than the Southern. 'An ocean' if not that then it's just a cold, never ending, forever unknown, right here at the Base of my spine. Back of my head. Bottom of my stomach. Below my knees. Behind my ribcage. A cold, never ending, forever unknown lays inside me, and can only be filled by the feeling of filling that 'ocean'.

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:11 AM UTC

_____

Inside of me, I Feel condemned to loneliness. Feel disowned by hope. Feel abandoned by my thoughts. Feel betrayed by all love. Feel the empty void. Feel nothing. This void inside me came in waves washing anything good there was of me before. Its persuasive current stealing my faith, its irresistible undertow robbing me of my talent, 'an ocean' if that swallowing all of my joy. In fact, this feeling can't even be compared to an ocean. If I were to do so I'd be compared to an ocean that's depth seems to reach into a different universe a different dimension. An ocean that's Vaster than the Atlantic. Ampler than the Indian. More open than the Pacific. Wider than the Arctic. More colossal than the Southern. 'An ocean' if not that then it's just a cold, never ending, forever unknown, right here at the Base of my spine. Back of my head. Bottom of my stomach. Below my knees. Behind my ribcage. A cold, never ending, forever unknown lays inside me, and can only be filled by the feeling of filling that 'ocean'.

20

I try to go back to our tree and lie beneath the branches but I always end up in tears. I wonder if you ever come back here and do the same. Most nights I think of you with her and wonder why we couldn't have both been in your life. I wonder if you ever do the same. Sometimes and only sometimes the memories get too much and I think about what would happen if I never finished this day. I push that thought away when I think of you doing the same.

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:10 AM UTC

Unspoken Word

I try to go back to our tree and lie beneath the branches but I always end up in tears. I wonder if you ever come back here and do the same. Most nights I think of you with her and wonder why we couldn't have both been in your life. I wonder if you ever do the same. Sometimes and only sometimes the memories get too much and I think about what would happen if I never finished this day. I push that thought away when I think of you doing the same.

6

i drown myself in shallow streams my known noncompliance in the only reason i scream i hang myself from 4ft high i only flail because i know i won't die i cut only a half inch deep i only cry because i know my life i'll keep i throw myself off a 10ft post and i do it again and again because i know that broken bones will be the most In the face of death my body pleads but my mind it screams because it knows death is the one thing i need

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:07 AM UTC

Character vs. Self

i drown myself in shallow streams my known noncompliance in the only reason i scream i hang myself from 4ft high i only flail because i know i won't die i cut only a half inch deep i only cry because i know my life i'll keep i throw myself off a 10ft post and i do it again and again because i know that broken bones will be the most In the face of death my body pleads but my mind it screams because it knows death is the one thing i need

5

You liked that I was different. My strangeness captivated you. You liked that I didn't fit in. My loneliness fascinated you. You liked that I was settled. My sadness validated you. You made me feel normal, my strangeness became nothing but formal. You made me feel a part of it all, my loneliness went fast it had reached its curtain call. You made me feel alive, always moving onto something better in life, with you my sadness was no longer a source of my strife. You didn't like that I felt normal. My formalness irritated you. You didn't like that I felt a part of it all. My friendliness agitated you. You didn't like that I felt alive. My happiness subjugated you.

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:06 AM UTC

You liked that i was different...

You liked that I was different. My strangeness captivated you. You liked that I didn't fit in. My loneliness fascinated you. You liked that I was settled. My sadness validated you. You made me feel normal, my strangeness became nothing but formal. You made me feel a part of it all, my loneliness went fast it had reached its curtain call. You made me feel alive, always moving onto something better in life, with you my sadness was no longer a source of my strife. You didn't like that I felt normal. My formalness irritated you. You didn't like that I felt a part of it all. My friendliness agitated you. You didn't like that I felt alive. My happiness subjugated you.

15

Your torso I use for comfort, warming me in the cold of oblivion. The movement of your chest steadily rising and falling mimicking calm waves on the sea rocking me into torpor as the night persisted. The lub-dub of your heart acting as a lullaby sending me off, unarmed but protected into the cold of oblivion. All these memories seem so artificial as I look down at your body, You're as still. As silent. As cold as ice. Your eyes staring straight back at me more fragile than I. Not wanting to shatter you into a million pieces, I avert my eyes. Keeping them closed I lift your head and lay it on my frame. I have to do something. You were out there all alone. Unarmed in the cold of oblivion. I needed to protect you.

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:03 AM UTC

Oblivion

Your torso I use for comfort, warming me in the cold of oblivion. The movement of your chest steadily rising and falling mimicking calm waves on the sea rocking me into torpor as the night persisted. The lub-dub of your heart acting as a lullaby sending me off, unarmed but protected into the cold of oblivion. All these memories seem so artificial as I look down at your body, You're as still. As silent. As cold as ice. Your eyes staring straight back at me more fragile than I. Not wanting to shatter you into a million pieces, I avert my eyes. Keeping them closed I lift your head and lay it on my frame. I have to do something. You were out there all alone. Unarmed in the cold of oblivion. I needed to protect you.

12

For the first time, I was happy. Overflowing with joy your heart fought for mine when there were demons I could no longer destroy. You saved me even though you too were just another little boy. For the first time I could see the light. You showed ma a future, and I was in it! It was so bright. And the things I wanted, the things I needed. they weren't as far out of sight. For the first time I was curious. You made me wonder when I no longer saw adventure in this life, you made me wonder even when all my pleasure turned to strife. Your smile made me warm, the heat in my stomach was enough to deteriorate any of my crooked thoughts that tried to reform. Your smile made me able to stand up to any threatening storm, unashamed of anything in me that wasn't uniform But your words made me flee. For the 100th time I ran. You made me feel things I've always wanted to feel. You made me see things that I never knew I wanted to see. You made me wonder things I wish I could still wonder. You made me love someone I didn't know I was capable of loving and you made me flee from the only thing I have ever been able to explain.

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Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 11:02 AM UTC

Groo0o0o0o0oss

For the first time, I was happy. Overflowing with joy your heart fought for mine when there were demons I could no longer destroy. You saved me even though you too were just another little boy. For the first time I could see the light. You showed ma a future, and I was in it! It was so bright. And the things I wanted, the things I needed. they weren't as far out of sight. For the first time I was curious. You made me wonder when I no longer saw adventure in this life, you made me wonder even when all my pleasure turned to strife. Your smile made me warm, the heat in my stomach was enough to deteriorate any of my crooked thoughts that tried to reform. Your smile made me able to stand up to any threatening storm, unashamed of anything in me that wasn't uniform But your words made me flee. For the 100th time I ran. You made me feel things I've always wanted to feel. You made me see things that I never knew I wanted to see. You made me wonder things I wish I could still wonder. You made me love someone I didn't know I was capable of loving and you made me flee from the only thing I have ever been able to explain.

14

Six. That's how many days, then weeks, then months of power but now those six months have turned into six hours, six minutes, six seconds ago. I've had people confide in me but still mine I won't show. I think I'm ashamed? Embarrassed? Or maybe just scared. Scared that you will laugh at the pain I have shared. Scared of regretting the vain I had spared. Scared that if I hadn't you never would have cared.

0

Dec 18, 2018

Dec 18, 2018 at 10:59 AM UTC

power

Six. That's how many days, then weeks, then months of power but now those six months have turned into six hours, six minutes, six seconds ago. I've had people confide in me but still mine I won't show. I think I'm ashamed? Embarrassed? Or maybe just scared. Scared that you will laugh at the pain I have shared. Scared of regretting the vain I had spared. Scared that if I hadn't you never would have cared.

8