ashspeakscat - Hello Poetry

goodness I need someone to tell me that there is good in me That there is goodness inside of me That there is still hope I dont feel like myself anymore The shell ive become The page intimidates me My keys laugh at me My mind flutters As i take my hands off the wheel and lie back I roll my eyes back to my skull And then i realize Its not the mental health Or the trauma Or the experience Its me And at this point i dont know if i can change me anymore My growing phase has come and gone Will i turn to drugs at this point? How will i make the pain go away? What is wrong with me is me Its in me Crawling around Making a home inside my home How do you evict something that is yourself?

0

Sep 25, 2019

Sep 25, 2019 at 12:32 AM UTC

goodness

goodness I need someone to tell me that there is good in me That there is goodness inside of me That there is still hope I dont feel like myself anymore The shell ive become The page intimidates me My keys laugh at me My mind flutters As i take my hands off the wheel and lie back I roll my eyes back to my skull And then i realize Its not the mental health Or the trauma Or the experience Its me And at this point i dont know if i can change me anymore My growing phase has come and gone Will i turn to drugs at this point? How will i make the pain go away? What is wrong with me is me Its in me Crawling around Making a home inside my home How do you evict something that is yourself?

25

My mind is at war with my actions Running and running Dodging mines at every turn desperately trying to keep you happy knowing that one wrong step I will explode into tiny bits and pieces, amounting to nothing as I once did saying you loved me out of spite My heavy boots I pick up with every step I take knowing when I get to you I will regain your trust for the evening Shooting me down each night in every ***** of my body with your hateful words knowing that your country will win the war in my head and I will forever lose blood running down my thighs and into my boot Falling asleep each night with fear that someone else could take my place Knowing that your ego could fill the entire desert losing interest in me as you wander away from the troop leaving me in the dark the dark is a scary place when you don’t know where you’re going when all you know is one person because one person and one person only feels like home and now youre bleeding out. I watch as my blood pours out of my lifeless body as my words do on the page describing what hell I am experiencing being under your command and how I desperately need out But you cannot just simply leave the war.

0

Feb 1, 2019

Feb 1, 2019 at 10:33 PM UTC

Love is a Battlefield (revised)

My mind is at war with my actions Running and running Dodging mines at every turn desperately trying to keep you happy knowing that one wrong step I will explode into tiny bits and pieces, amounting to nothing as I once did saying you loved me out of spite My heavy boots I pick up with every step I take knowing when I get to you I will regain your trust for the evening Shooting me down each night in every ***** of my body with your hateful words knowing that your country will win the war in my head and I will forever lose blood running down my thighs and into my boot Falling asleep each night with fear that someone else could take my place Knowing that your ego could fill the entire desert losing interest in me as you wander away from the troop leaving me in the dark the dark is a scary place when you don’t know where you’re going when all you know is one person because one person and one person only feels like home and now youre bleeding out. I watch as my blood pours out of my lifeless body as my words do on the page describing what hell I am experiencing being under your command and how I desperately need out But you cannot just simply leave the war.

16

Ever since I was little someone was always better than me. In third grade the boys could always run faster and the girls had beautiful long blonde hair and could always walk with grace. I could never understand how they were so perfect. No one wants anything from you in the third grade. And my sadness never asks for much but it always seem to ask for something that I cannot give. My sadness is like when you have a cold and you cannot breathe but with me it’s the thought process of ‘oh i’ll never be able to breathe again’. Even though I know I’m being dramatic or maybe I’m not or maybe I am or maybe I’m not as adults tell me when they say to perk up and ask me ‘what do you even have to be sad about’. And that’s the thing. I can never pinpoint exactly where the sadness started or what triggers it. Nor can I ****** mystery it where I have the huge buliton board with all of the picture of me with tears streaming down my face with string connecting the pictures. But I can tell you about all the weird times. Like when I was writing a thank you note and none of my words were stringing together like they normally do. As if they were laughing at me. As if they see me hypervenalating in a room full of my friends and me not knowing where It’s coming from or where it’s going. Them asking me what’s wrong is such a loaded question they should instead ask me where I’ve been. Ask me when and where I was when I felt that I have completely lost control of my life and when I began just going through the motions. And I know the Earth is revolving around the sun and the stars are just watching but I just have the aching feeling that I am an undiscovered planet that NASA has somehow not detected (with all of their millions and trillions of dollars why can’t they find this ***** blonde hot mess?) and the Earth is simply turning away from me. My sadness isn’t humorous but laughing at it is the only way I can explain it to people.

0

Jan 4, 2019

Jan 4, 2019 at 11:34 PM UTC

The Earth Has Always Been Turning Away From Me

Ever since I was little someone was always better than me. In third grade the boys could always run faster and the girls had beautiful long blonde hair and could always walk with grace. I could never understand how they were so perfect. No one wants anything from you in the third grade. And my sadness never asks for much but it always seem to ask for something that I cannot give. My sadness is like when you have a cold and you cannot breathe but with me it’s the thought process of ‘oh i’ll never be able to breathe again’. Even though I know I’m being dramatic or maybe I’m not or maybe I am or maybe I’m not as adults tell me when they say to perk up and ask me ‘what do you even have to be sad about’. And that’s the thing. I can never pinpoint exactly where the sadness started or what triggers it. Nor can I ****** mystery it where I have the huge buliton board with all of the picture of me with tears streaming down my face with string connecting the pictures. But I can tell you about all the weird times. Like when I was writing a thank you note and none of my words were stringing together like they normally do. As if they were laughing at me. As if they see me hypervenalating in a room full of my friends and me not knowing where It’s coming from or where it’s going. Them asking me what’s wrong is such a loaded question they should instead ask me where I’ve been. Ask me when and where I was when I felt that I have completely lost control of my life and when I began just going through the motions. And I know the Earth is revolving around the sun and the stars are just watching but I just have the aching feeling that I am an undiscovered planet that NASA has somehow not detected (with all of their millions and trillions of dollars why can’t they find this ***** blonde hot mess?) and the Earth is simply turning away from me. My sadness isn’t humorous but laughing at it is the only way I can explain it to people.

8

Why do we go back to the ones that hurt us? Simply because we miss the hurt. We miss the image of happiness that our minds have created for that person. Our brain blocks out the bad memories. Blocks out the fights and the ugliness And the problems And the tears And the pain Our brains focus solely on the happy times and covers those memories with sweet sugar and makes us crave the sweetness once again. We crave all of the sugar and spice and everything nice. We break ourselves down to the point of believing that we are the ones at fault. We will continue making excuses for these people because we are just as broken as them. Craving their attention and wondering why they do not want us back in their lives. Learning that you have to fall in love with your own words is something not even I have learned yet because the words on the page cannot hurt you, but you can grow from them. You cannot grow from the teenage boy that you created a jigsaw puzzle out of yourself for just so you could fit his fantasies. The boy that you created a meadow of flowers for when he preferred peaches. Men always prefer peaches Though I am not a peach nor can I provide them with my small, pale hands I can provide you guaranteed love and happiness for as long as you’d like. You become my love story that I can throw on the page when I need it. The one thing you provided me. You provided me eternal feelings that I’ve never felt. We forever strive to somehow immortal ourselves to manifest peaches from our hands so we no longer feel the hurt that we do and they will willingly return to us and color our empty void. But we cannot. So we continue to damage ourselves further by going back to the ones that have hurt us.

0

Jan 4, 2019

Jan 4, 2019 at 11:04 PM UTC

Why Do We Go Back to the Ones That Have Hurt Us?

Why do we go back to the ones that hurt us? Simply because we miss the hurt. We miss the image of happiness that our minds have created for that person. Our brain blocks out the bad memories. Blocks out the fights and the ugliness And the problems And the tears And the pain Our brains focus solely on the happy times and covers those memories with sweet sugar and makes us crave the sweetness once again. We crave all of the sugar and spice and everything nice. We break ourselves down to the point of believing that we are the ones at fault. We will continue making excuses for these people because we are just as broken as them. Craving their attention and wondering why they do not want us back in their lives. Learning that you have to fall in love with your own words is something not even I have learned yet because the words on the page cannot hurt you, but you can grow from them. You cannot grow from the teenage boy that you created a jigsaw puzzle out of yourself for just so you could fit his fantasies. The boy that you created a meadow of flowers for when he preferred peaches. Men always prefer peaches Though I am not a peach nor can I provide them with my small, pale hands I can provide you guaranteed love and happiness for as long as you’d like. You become my love story that I can throw on the page when I need it. The one thing you provided me. You provided me eternal feelings that I’ve never felt. We forever strive to somehow immortal ourselves to manifest peaches from our hands so we no longer feel the hurt that we do and they will willingly return to us and color our empty void. But we cannot. So we continue to damage ourselves further by going back to the ones that have hurt us.

14

Eyes of blue Hearts of red You loved me Or at least you said you did.

0

Dec 20, 2018

Dec 20, 2018 at 7:40 PM UTC

Red, blue, and not over you

Eyes of blue Hearts of red You loved me Or at least you said you did.

4

Believe your friends They can see the toxicity of a human being like no one else No matter how many times you go over to his house andyourhandareinhishair andhishandsaretravelingdownyourback andyourlipsareagainsthis Your friends watch as your cry every night because the only thing he's good at is disappointing you Leave Him Ladies we are much too strong to be a part of the male agenda. We are smart with bright *** futures that will blow everyone else out of the water We are stronger than our abusers and we will get through this pain and this suffering We will overcome and we will revolt We will find love that deserves us if we should do want it But a man's attention does not determine our worth nor does it effect our confidence WE ARE STRONG

0

Dec 12, 2018

Dec 12, 2018 at 9:56 PM UTC

Public Service Announcement

Believe your friends They can see the toxicity of a human being like no one else No matter how many times you go over to his house andyourhandareinhishair andhishandsaretravelingdownyourback andyourlipsareagainsthis Your friends watch as your cry every night because the only thing he's good at is disappointing you Leave Him Ladies we are much too strong to be a part of the male agenda. We are smart with bright *** futures that will blow everyone else out of the water We are stronger than our abusers and we will get through this pain and this suffering We will overcome and we will revolt We will find love that deserves us if we should do want it But a man's attention does not determine our worth nor does it effect our confidence WE ARE STRONG

15

I find myself on concrete ground in the pouring rain I find my lifeless body lying on the cold wet pavement stripped of dignity Stripped of pride Stripped of hope Organs scattered about on the ground with some missing because honestly,why would I need them? Why can’t others just take what they need from the Jane Doe in the pouring rain? She’s not using them No blood can be found simply because bleeding is feeling and I’ve been numb for months In its place you see the striking confidence mixed with the everlasting wit flooding out among strands of ***** blonde hair slipping away with the rain to its final resting place far far away from my lifeless corpse I find myself wearing all white and semi-holding a small white flag to counteract with your many red ones that I just began noticing They were in your actions They were in your dialect They were in your lingering glances Flags of bright crimson and ones the color of sweet wine forever in the hands that at one point fit so well with mine I gave in to the storm I let the hurt surround me like as if I am the eye of the hurricane and the world is consuming me whole But you’re safest in the eye of the storm Watching all the black and grey swarm around you as it destroys the innocent earth Maybe I’ve always been the eye and I am now drifting into the storm itself?

0

Dec 3, 2018

Dec 3, 2018 at 10:51 PM UTC

Where I Find Myself

I find myself on concrete ground in the pouring rain I find my lifeless body lying on the cold wet pavement stripped of dignity Stripped of pride Stripped of hope Organs scattered about on the ground with some missing because honestly,why would I need them? Why can’t others just take what they need from the Jane Doe in the pouring rain? She’s not using them No blood can be found simply because bleeding is feeling and I’ve been numb for months In its place you see the striking confidence mixed with the everlasting wit flooding out among strands of ***** blonde hair slipping away with the rain to its final resting place far far away from my lifeless corpse I find myself wearing all white and semi-holding a small white flag to counteract with your many red ones that I just began noticing They were in your actions They were in your dialect They were in your lingering glances Flags of bright crimson and ones the color of sweet wine forever in the hands that at one point fit so well with mine I gave in to the storm I let the hurt surround me like as if I am the eye of the hurricane and the world is consuming me whole But you’re safest in the eye of the storm Watching all the black and grey swarm around you as it destroys the innocent earth Maybe I’ve always been the eye and I am now drifting into the storm itself?

20

We were in your dad’s truck. I am so endlessly in awe with you. I am putty in your hands and thought nothing of the vehicle. It was then I remembered that I hadn’t been in a truck since my father. The man behind all of my trauma. I was wearing my sunglasses and lip syncing to Weezer with your brother in the back, no one would know about the tears streaming down my face as I remembered the abuse and the sleepless nights caused by a white pickup truck and a tall man that gave me my blood type. No one but me will know the terror I felt as he ran red lights with rage. No one would know the pain in my legs and arms as he dragged me out of the truck and onto the hot pavement on a sunny day. Your golden smile as you sang your favorite songs offkey (because you know it makes me fall for you more) couldn’t distract me from the flashbacks. No one can calm my busy mind, not even a boy with blue eyes that gives you his heart. You will only know love from the man that showed you nothing but pain.

0

Oct 17, 2018

Oct 17, 2018 at 9:05 PM UTC

Dad is Always Near

We were in your dad’s truck. I am so endlessly in awe with you. I am putty in your hands and thought nothing of the vehicle. It was then I remembered that I hadn’t been in a truck since my father. The man behind all of my trauma. I was wearing my sunglasses and lip syncing to Weezer with your brother in the back, no one would know about the tears streaming down my face as I remembered the abuse and the sleepless nights caused by a white pickup truck and a tall man that gave me my blood type. No one but me will know the terror I felt as he ran red lights with rage. No one would know the pain in my legs and arms as he dragged me out of the truck and onto the hot pavement on a sunny day. Your golden smile as you sang your favorite songs offkey (because you know it makes me fall for you more) couldn’t distract me from the flashbacks. No one can calm my busy mind, not even a boy with blue eyes that gives you his heart. You will only know love from the man that showed you nothing but pain.

4

I did the best that I could do The ball is now in their court One cannot simply force leadership on someone Nor can you force change on one They must grow on their own.

0

Oct 1, 2018

Oct 1, 2018 at 10:18 PM UTC

All They Can Ask For

I did the best that I could do The ball is now in their court One cannot simply force leadership on someone Nor can you force change on one They must grow on their own.

5

Self care is leaving Its leaving the boy that doesn't know how to not hurt your feelings and cannot care less that he did. It's knowing that the second you do leave so many people will look down upon you. So many disappointed in you for breaking his heart. Self care is knowing It's knowing that the boy that your zodiac signs match a whopping 12% with will not work. Its believing the stars and putting your faith in them since your faith does not call to god. Its hoping that the boy you match with 99% will be better. Self care is running Running into the new boy’s arms that you fell so endlessly for. The one that always sneaks a kiss. The one that always makes time for you even though you have one of the busiest schedules in the world.

0

Sep 30, 2018

Sep 30, 2018 at 8:08 PM UTC

Self Care

Self care is leaving Its leaving the boy that doesn't know how to not hurt your feelings and cannot care less that he did. It's knowing that the second you do leave so many people will look down upon you. So many disappointed in you for breaking his heart. Self care is knowing It's knowing that the boy that your zodiac signs match a whopping 12% with will not work. Its believing the stars and putting your faith in them since your faith does not call to god. Its hoping that the boy you match with 99% will be better. Self care is running Running into the new boy’s arms that you fell so endlessly for. The one that always sneaks a kiss. The one that always makes time for you even though you have one of the busiest schedules in the world.

6