I should be concerned. I should be worried,
I feel pressured. I feel hurried.
stewing in a *** with all of my useless fury.
It never does me any good.
I don't think you know how to properly love someone.
Maybe you never experienced it to understand.
But after all the things that to me you've done.
You can't expect me to be by your side holding your hand.
Rolling with the waves. I let the current take me.
I go with the flow, quite literally.
I'm just a guest on this earth. There was no manual.
Life feels so empty until you realize how your heart is so full.
All i ever wanted was for you to love me.
Not a certain version of me but every single day in every single way.
I always felt your love was transactional.
I had to earn it. Didn't deserve it. Considering what you got out of it.
Cuz i don't think you know how to give love to anyone.
I don't think you're capable of understanding.
But after all the things that to me you've done,
I bet you're shocked to see that i'm still standing.
I feel selfish when i choose me, that's how little you considered my needs. Making sure everyone else is comfy, while i drift into misery.
Feb 19
Feb 19, 2026 at 4:39 PM UTC
A collection of moments replaying in my mind.
Unable to pause the passing of time.
Life doesn't feel short when you're young,
Yet as you get older you realize you were wrong.
Beautiful moments you let pass by right by.
You see it with an array of other things on your mind.
So you don't really see it all.
What good is it if you can't recall?
Every beautiful flower I see,
any jaw dropping scenery,
It can be new but also something I've seen before.
I take it all in. I notice it more.
Every laugh from my lovers lips.
Every embrace and passionate kiss,
They are fleeting but important and precious.
I want to remember so one day i can reminisce.
Being present is one of the hardest things I've ever done.
How can I soak it all in when sometimes my brain blocks out the sun?
I concentrate. I meditate. Take note of how I feel.
Sit with my emotions even when the pain is very real.
A highlight reel of years past plays through my mind.
All the moments I wish I could relive please just one more time.
The people you think you'll live and die with by your side,
Sometimes they're no longer here but alive inside your mind.
And sometimes it feels nice, but sometimes it stings.
Whether literally or figuratively the death of any relationship brings,
An emotional roller coaster ride every now and again.
Living with the reality that you'll never see them again.
I want to feel it all.
I need to see it all.
I'll log it in my brain.
I'll carry the joy and the pain.
Dec 5, 2025
Dec 5, 2025 at 1:33 PM UTC
Cat got your tongue.
I'm coming undone.
But you're not here to watch.
Cuz you saw it coming so you had to run.
I can't lie I've got a lil sympathy for ya.
That's just cuz I'm carrying all this guilt for hurting you now.
It's not my fault you weren't the man you said you were.
But It's my fault that I refrained from opening my mouth.
I'm such a careful creature.
Make each decision like a life is on the line.
You said my chest is my best feature
I said that's good because to hell with my mind.
But I was something more divine than you could fathom in your life, and I just wanted you to see it, but you could only see of me one side, and i won't make myself small for you. I had to be so tiny cuz you're quite a tiny human too. I had to diminish myself just for you to shine. Once I left i could finally flourish into the sky.
I was a wilted flower.
Couldn't accept i'd lost my power.
Works unspoken that gnawed away at me at night.
I take accountability for the fact I didn't handle things quite right.
I should have spoken up sooner.
We could have soldiered through these trenches sooner.
I walked the trail but in my shoe there was this pebble.
I kept trudging along just denying the inevitable.
I think you're alright.
I think I'm just too bright, for ya.
I think you felt it inside.
That's why you always had to dim my light.
It's not a healthy dynamic
That me just existing makes you panic.
Everything I achieved you wanted to somehow take from me.
I would call incompatibility.
Oct 29, 2025
Oct 29, 2025 at 3:14 PM UTC
What nerve, to think i don't deserve what I tell everyone else they do.
Behind my mirage, love to sabotage everything that could bring me to-
all the stars i wished upon when I was just a little girl
inside of me I hear her scream for me as I deprive her again and again.
There I am talking it out again in therapy.
It all makes sense when i can hear it from outside of my head.
When I'm left alone with it in the moment, I fall right back
It's sad to me that it took you loving me to see that i was worthy. Why couldn't I prove that to myself?
It's not that, I've never received a compliment, but my anxieties just see fake niceties and i write it off again and again and again.
What guts, it took to deem myself to be ******* nuts when i know good and well I'm a victim of abuse. My lifelong shame.
Not the kind that on my skin would leave a bruise, but the kind that makes me want to wrap myself in a noose to alleviate the pain.
Here I am talking it out again in therapy.
Nothing I've done feels notable despite what people tell me.
Somehow your love projected something onto me that pried my eyes open to see.
It's sad to me that it took you loving me to see that i was worthy. Why couldn't I prove that to myself?
It's not that, I've never received a compliment, but my anxieties just see fake niceties and i write it off again and again and again.
With awakened eyes I navigate this life a little differently. There's this guilt I carry deep inside for the way I've treated me. My inner child, such a sweet girl, I couldn't bare it, so much life and so much merit, you pointed it out, and i feared it, so much I acted like i couldn't hear it.
Maybe I trust your judgment so deeply I redefined myself.
Your words rained on me and washed away pain I stored on the deepest darkest shelf, but you shed a light on it so brightly so I could no longer hide, and it brought me pain and discomfort but then allowed me to come alive.
Oct 16, 2025
Oct 16, 2025 at 12:48 PM UTC
I was always the protector.
So much and so many to always look out for.
Until you walked in.
Now I can lean into my feminine.
How do I just turn off my defenses?
Waiting for the catastrophe to hit.
With you I feel so safe and sound,
I almost just forget.
Your world is a haven that welcomed me with open arms.
Misjudged all intentions, manipulation accusations, all to protect myself from possible harm.
I just want to be soft, gentle and let down my guard.
With you, it's really not all that hard.
I have emotional damage.
I have a lot of ******* baggage.
Didn't realize I held it so close to my side, when I thought i had let go if it all.
Feel like the world is always in flames and I'm the only one that came coax the rain to fall.
How do I let these walls tumble down?
They took so long to build up.
I surrender to the warmth of your shield
But it doesn't feel like giving up. It's just giving in. Letting myself breathe again.
Everyone supposed to keep me safe always failed that task.
Found myself in harms way and when the actions and words didn't match,
I couldn't trust another soul, i just braced myself for the attack.
Scrambling to keep myself safe til i landed safely in your hands.
Sep 12, 2025
Sep 12, 2025 at 1:58 PM UTC
It's so easy to imagine my future now that you're here.
But it's also so easy to spiral, fueled by all my deepest fears.
I want to believe our love can last, not like the ones from my past.
I want to believe we can thrive because you've never shown me otherwise.
I want to believe.
But babe I got this mind and it don't work right.
Tells me everyone's lying when I'm trying to sleep at night.
Tells me I'm being deceived like it's trying to protect me from something i would never have seen coming.
My mind is always filled with doubt, it's a real issue.
But my heart sees you and knows the truth.
It's like mixed messages coming from both all the time.
And I'm sifting through signals just trying to refine.
It's tiring to do, but i want nothing more than to be here with you.
I'm not trying to scare you, truly.
I'm just coming forward, accountability.
I know these things about myself i try to ignore.
But I gotta warn you what you're in for.
Sep 8, 2025
Sep 8, 2025 at 3:57 PM UTC
You were supposed to protect me.
Yet I never felt safe.
Even now, it's like I'm always reaching,
For what I've been taught, a mother should be.
Everything feels like a competition.
Everything feels like a race.
I can't share a single vulnerable moment,
Without you throwing it back in my face.
So I try communication.
I say you hurt me when you did this and that.
You'd think a mother would care to say sorry.
But you take it as a personal attack.
I know you say that you love me.
But part of love is caring how you make me feel.
All the hurt I wear draped on my body,
To you is never a big deal.
So I distance myself to protect what's left of me.
If that makes me selfish, ungrateful and cruel.
I will wear those names with dignity.
Because even in my hurt, I've still always tried to find common ground with you.
It's only brought on more pain.
The realization you'd never do the same.
You played the victim so long it's time you actually are.
So when you meet with your gossipy friends at the bar,
You can tell them what an ungrateful child you raised.
And bask in their sympathy, eat up their praise.
I'm sure the story you told them had some deep, deep holes.
Lies they could never trace.
Maybe you just can't admit it to yourself,
So it'd be silly for me to wait for you to admit it to my face.
This is on you. I'm aiming for peace and tranquility.
You pushed me away with your lack of accountability.
And letting go hurts me. It cuts deeply into me.
But there is a lightness now. I can finally be free.
Jul 31, 2025
Jul 31, 2025 at 11:02 AM UTC
I don't know how to love you anymore.
Is it love if it feels like obligation?
I don't know how to share things with you now.
So I let you create stories with your imagination.
I keep my failures and success on a shelf.
It's a way for me to keep protecting myself.
You knowing anything feels far too vulnerable for me.
Cuz you have a history of using it all against me.
You lean on me when I've never been that sturdy.
I've told you before but you never really heard me.
You tell me you admire my independence.
I react to your admiration with defense.
Cuz you never really listened and if you did,
You'd know what a lonely road it's been.
I know you never received the love you desire.
I sympathize for you, but that sympathy grows tired.
Because you could've changed the cycle with me.
Instead you repeated history.
I don't want to carry this resentment anymore.
But I also can't seem to leave it on the floor.
Believe me I have tried, but it's always by my side.
I cannot forgive something you were never sorry for.
I needed a protector.
Jul 23, 2025
Jul 23, 2025 at 12:19 PM UTC
You were supposed to be my protector.
Still I weathered all the storms.
Too young to know you're a projector
I carried your burdens like a torch.
And when I let that flame burn out.
You couldn't bare to witness the change.
Wrapped my arms around myself.
Not round your finger where you had me hanged.
I'm not some extension of your soul.
I'm not some painting on your wall.
Bragging about my success as if you played a role.
You love to take credit for it all.
I guess I've got to give credit where it's due.
I watched the way you lived your life.
You'd draw me in to stab me right in the chest.
So I ran away from the knife.
I guess it made me who I am.
So if that makes you proud then fine.
A lotus, head buried in the sand.
Only to flourish in the sunlight when it was time.
It must be hard for you to see.
Cuz you misery needs it's company.
And while you don't deserve it at all.
I guess you got my sympathy.
I don't carry your **** with me anymore.
Just this resentment always lingering.
You were supposed to be my guide.
Ignorantly I clung to your side.
Just for you to throw me to the wolves.
Just to judge me, so I'd hide.
But now that I make my presence known.
It feels like an insult to your pride.
I won't live my life in the shadows.
Just for you to feel alright inside.
I'm not responsible for your decisions.
I'm not responsible for your life.
You made your bed with such confidence.
And now it is where you must lie.
May 21, 2025
May 21, 2025 at 5:20 PM UTC
Counting the years of my life I hid underground while yearning for sunlight.
Telling myself there is simply nothing left for me in this life.
I could've given it all up. I thought about it every day.
When the current you're swimming in feels constant.
When the winds feel like they'll never change.
You think life will be this way forever,
because you can't imagine how quickly it can rearrange.
I fought like a warrior for freedom.
Shed layers that were just heavy weight for me.
and underneath all the armor I burdened myself with
There were wings were begging to be freed.
Now I ponder the girl that wanted to abandon it.
I think of all the experiences she would have missed.
I cry for her sorrow feeling so eternal.
I want to show her that just around the corner there was bliss.
And I want to hurt her, because she almost robbed me
Of all this love and light that she intended to keep us from.
Underneath all of that sympathy I carry for her
Is a relief I now feel, that she longed to feel deeply.
I want to share it with her.
Tell her it's ok to hold on.
I imagine my soul in the sky, looking down.
All the lessons that i almost never learned.
All the people I almost never met.
All the love I almost never knew i had.
All the tears I never would have cried.
All the souls i would have never touched.
All the sounds i would have never heard.
All the laughs that would stay buried in my lifeless chest
All that I have achieved in my life, laid to rest.
I almost never did any of it.
I almost left.
I almost did.
If you were to ask me now how often i think about checking out sooner than originally planned.
I'd say almost never.
Jan 27, 2025
Jan 27, 2025 at 2:28 PM UTC