arwen
American
I have always loved writing ever since my school days. Over the years, I have learned how to express my deepest feelings and personal experiences by way of poetry. My personal preference is to write about love, relationships, and heartache. I find it easiest to write when I am going through emotional and mental turmoil - all of my thoughts and emotions flow right from me to paper. / / I really hope you enjoy what you have read. I would definitely appreciate any feedback. I am hoping to have them all professionally published; in fact, I have the name all ready for my book, "My Journey From Unhealthy Love to Internal Peace (Part 1)." / / *All of my poems are protected under copyright* / / http://www.livebinders.com/play/play?id=2179507
Again, I find myself sinking in the perpetual sea of doubt,
wondering where I stand with you,
questioning my role in your life,
feeling like I really do not matter that much at all.
I am not sure if you quite understand how this feels?
Will it always truly be just about you?
Regardless of how hard I try to believe others,
the ones that tell me I am worth it,
it just never really sinks in.
I am so caught up in my own self questioning
that it is hard for me to really feel like
I am the same person that these people
claim that I am – this one immensely
strong person of which I am clearly unable to see.
For so long now I constantly feel like
I am never standing on solid ground.
This persistent uneasiness makes me
wonder each and every day of my life
what I can do to make you notice me?
I cannot change the person that I am -
the person I have grown to be;
nor do I ever want to be anyone other
than who I know that I can be.
Maybe the answer has been in
front of me for some time now.
Maybe I have known for awhile
that things with you are what
they will always be
and never what I truly want them to be.
I do realize that in order to save myself,
I need to walk away and find someone
who is willing and able to cherish me
for the angel that I feel that I am -
someone willing to give all
of themselves to me and
not just some of themselves to me.
After all I have been through,
I desperately need peace in my life.
I just want to feel loved, desired,
and cherished by someone
who can truly appreciate
all of me and not some of me.
I know that my spirit is broken,
and maybe, just maybe,
if I learn to stop making excuses
and being acceptable of settling for less,
I will rise above all of this pain
and one day finally find the love
I have been so eagerly searching for.
Vicki A. Zinn
March 14, 2017
Mar 14, 2017
Mar 14, 2017 at 10:19 PM UTC
Did you ever just once
stand in front of a mirror
and actually see the pain
reflected in your eyes?
Behind this pain lies
many years of feeling
that you are never worthy;
never worthy of ever being
loved by that one special
someone that you were
supposedly destined to
spend the rest of your
natural life with.
People like this often
regress into a sea of
blackness that they can
never swim out of.
They are surrounded
by nothing but empty
water filled with
empty promises -
these exact promises
that they desperately
cling to in order
not to drown.
It is ultimately their
choice to brave
these murky waters,
or allow themselves to
be continually trapped
in this Sea of Obscurity.
Even if they can pull
themselves out of this
despair, they still have that
lingering feeling that
they are forever doomed
to live in this constant
state of pain and agony.
These lost spirits just
want and need to feel
like they matter.
They desire to be
accepted and loved
for who they are,
regardless of their
faults and flaws.
They often times try
too hard to have
others accept them.
However, when they are
overlooked or made to feel like
a speck of dirt on the ground,
they again lose their way.
It is a constant battle that
people face daily if they feel
that they are never worthy –
never deserving to be given a
real chance in life and in love.
They feel unappreciated
and find themselves
questioning their place
In this world.
Many masque their pain
with poisons that
make them feel numb.
But, most know that
these elixirs are only
a temporary fix.
They do not even
know where to start
to fix this internal pain.
All they want is to feel
loved and accepted.
Instead of condoling these
people, help them by not
only extending your hand,
but also by sharing your
heart with them.
They need to feel that
they are just as worthy
as someone who appears
happy and content with
their own life.
Help give them a
reason to feel like
they really do matter.
Show them they are not
condemned to a life of
feeling like they
are never worthy of
any joy and love.
There is hope and promise
for them, and maybe
sooner than later,
these exact same
misguided people
will be able to look
in the mirror and
not dread what they
have seen in the past;
but instead, the mirror
emulates that sparkle
of hope that has been
missing for so long.
Vicki A. Zinn
June 25, 2016
Jun 25, 2016
Jun 25, 2016 at 2:29 PM UTC
Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of a sinkhole,
swallowed by an endless depression
that follows them with every
step and move they make
Not asking for anyone’s help
only adds to the chasms
of mind, body, and spirit
Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of a train-wreck,
which at one time followed
a direct path to redemption
Along the way, this train
veered towards a catastrophic path
of tragic consequences that will
forever scar their original goals
Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of a tsunami,
displaced by anger and hatred
towards those that are opposite
This same ire and prejudice
builds up within them continuously
waiting to reach its peak
and come violently crashing down
Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of an earthquake,
with a lot of negative energy
below their own physical surface,
shaking their faith and patience
One day rattling the uniformity
that all people rely on
for overall peace and existence
Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of a blizzard,
blowing around aimlessly, permanently blinded
by ignorance, preconception, and one-sidedness
This same bias eternally darkening
their desire to be open
to the many differences among
the distinctiveness of humankind alike
Vicki A Zinn
April 10, 2016
Apr 16, 2016
Apr 16, 2016 at 12:11 PM UTC
I have been told that I am
An Earth Angel sent by God
To shelter those that needed
The most protection.
But, what happens when this
Earth Angel has herself fallen?
Who will be there to bandage
Her delicate wing that has
Now been broken?
The question is why this
So lovely Earth Angel has fallen?
Has she carried one too many
Burdens on her shoulders?
Has she lost sight of her own
Purpose, along the way,
That it has made her blind to
The true perils that lie
Right in front of her?
I am crying out for help
As my once and so powerful
Wing has broken under all of the
Stress of this powerful weight.
Why has this happened to me?
Did I lose faith that the people
I was sent to safe guard actually
Cared about my purpose anymore?
Or, did I just stop believing that I, myself,
Could help them anymore?
I have walked so many years of my
Own life being this angel, while forgetting
That sometimes I also need an Earth Angel
To help me find my way sometimes.
I am sure that is hard to believe that
Earth Angels can be so fragile?
Remember, these Angels are humans
With emotions and are not infallible.
Choose your words and actions wisely,
Because your perils become theirs.
Can you imagine having the continuous
Strength to be one of these Angels?
I bet not. But, understand that this
Is what I feel my destiny has always been.
So, now, I need some time to heal my
Own broken wing.
I certainly cannot fly with just one.
I pray that God will miraculously heal
My own broken wing so that I may soon
Get back to what I am needed to do –
To provide support and encouragement
To you so that you will make it past
Whatever encumbers you mind, your heart,
And, most importantly, your soul.
Vicki A Zinn
August 3rd, 2015
Aug 3, 2015
Aug 3, 2015 at 6:33 PM UTC
I wonder if you know how much
I still think about you?
You are one of the first thoughts
when I wake in the morning
and one of the last thoughts
when I go to bed at night.
I wonder if you truly understand
how much I miss you?
How you would hold me
when our bodies were close.
How I would catch you looking
at me, as if in amazement.
How your charcoal blue eyes
gazed into mine when we talked.
I wonder if you realize that
despite allowing you time and space,
that you still mean so much to me?
It does not matter to me how
long I have known you,
you were able to allow me to
feel things that I was not so
sure I would be ever able to feel again.
I wonder if you know how much
I yearn for us to try again?
That each day without you in it
has been harder than I realized
it could possibly be.
That each day I wonder how you
are you and what you are doing.
I wonder if you will ever get to
the point of accepting that
I am exactly who I showed you?
That you believe my words.
That you believe my actions.
That you believe in me.
I wonder if you will ever give
your heart to me fully?
To finally conquer your fears
and let me in.
To trust me enough
to hold your hand through life.
To become your best friend.
I wonder if you can have
faith in love again?
To believe that someone truly
does care about you.
That someone wants to know everything
there is to know about you.
That someone just wants
a chance to walk around in your heart.
I wonder if you think of me?
If you miss my embrace,
my eyes meeting yours.
The chemistry we felt.
The laughs we shared.
The support I gave you,
regardless of knowing how
precarious your situation is.
I wonder if you will ever see
the good in me and just try
to allow me to be a part of your life?
All these thoughts of wondering
are always on my mind.
I wonder, I truly do wonder…
Vicki A. Zinn
April 20, 2014
Apr 20, 2014
Apr 20, 2014 at 9:48 AM UTC
I have forgotten how to trust.
I have forgotten how to feel.
Most importantly,
I have forgotten how to love.
Maybe it is all the years of pain
I have endured; or maybe
it is the meds that mask
the clarity that I once had?
Right now, I am only living on the outside,
walking around in a lifeless shell
of my once vibrant existence.
With all of the ups and downs,
each day with really no end in sight?
Times like this challenge even
my own strength.
Do I want to continue feeling like
this each and every day?
I thought I had the answers before.
Now, I am definitely not so sure.
Behind my own smile lies great pain.
I have learned to cover up most of it;
however, my eyes tell all, as they
are the window to my soul.
My heart is kind, loving, and generous.
Yet, I feel that it should be much harder,
so as to not allow some things that
I have acquiesced over my life.
I am not sure what it is going
to take anymore to help find
my way back to the correct path.
I just know that this beaten one
is all I have known for so long now.
I am truly so lost,
with no clear direction in sight….
Vicki A. Zinn
March 8, 2014
Mar 8, 2014
Mar 8, 2014 at 7:27 AM UTC
Lost again, or maybe I
just never truly found my way?
I never feel sure that I am
heading in the right direction.
Instead, my heart and my mind
continue their endless battles.
Will I ever win this internal war?
Will I always have to continuously
question myself, or will
the answer ever become clear?
Should I just keep muddling through
each day with really no end in sight?
Times like this challenge even
my own strength. Do I
want to continue feeling like
this each and every day?
I thought I had the answers before.
Now, I am definitely not so sure.
Behind my own smile lies great pain.
I have learned to cover most of it;
however, my eyes tell all, as they
are the window to my soul.
My heart is kind, loving, and generous.
Yet, I feel that it should be much harder,
so as to not allow some things that
I have acquiesced over my life.
I am not sure what it is going
to take anymore to help find
my way back to the correct path.
I just know that this beaten one
is all I have known for so long now.
I am truly lost….
Vicki A. Zinn
November 24, 2013
Nov 24, 2013
Nov 24, 2013 at 9:38 AM UTC
Once again, I find myself at a weak moment.
A moment of wondering what now?
What do I do; where do I go from here?
Why do I place all my hope into
something that appears so encouraging
on the outside, to only turn out to be a façade?
Is it my internal optimism that allows me
to hope, despite all of the prior pain
I have endured? What else can it be?
Is it my continual bad choices, or is it
still God’s will for me to continue learning?
Regardless of the questions, I am slowly
losing faith that I will ever find what I am
truly looking for.
I do not believe in faerie tales.
Reality is what we make of it.
I try not to force my own destiny,
but allow it to follow course,
as it is meant to do.
But, somehow, I still dream that there
is someone out there for me.
Someone to hold my hand
through life’s numerous journeys.
Is it better to not try to find love,
yet instead, allow it to find you?
Only then, will it be genuine?
I do not know anymore.
Others seem to find it so easily,
while I am one who often struggles
for even a chance to show
my self-worth, my devotion, my love.
I cannot ride this roller coaster anymore.
I cannot feel this loss anymore.
Maybe I am meant to be alone.
I suppose there is only one person
that truly has the answers to my questions.
I guess I am just to believe that he
knows what is best for me right now.
I feel the path I am walking is the
right one, but I am just as human
as others who crave the touch
of another’s skin to theirs;
who long for a kiss to their lips as
as a sign of adoration.
Yearning to be someone that
another wants to share their
thoughts, aspirations, and dreams with.
Even I tell others to concentrate
on what is good in their lives -
to try not to allow the emptiness
they are feeling to consume them whole.
Am I not a hypocrite to be giving such advice
when I, myself, do not take it?
Somehow, I have to believe in the words I say.
I wonder if my solution is rather simple?
Maybe it will take years for the answer
to surface, instead of, in days I hoped it would take?
Regardless, I want to trust again. I want to believe in
another’s words to me. I want to feel their embrace,
instead of each night going to sleep untouched.
Besides all of the roles I play in my life,
I just want to feel alive again.
God, is any of this too much to ask?
Vicki A. Zinn
September 29, 2013
Sep 28, 2013
Sep 28, 2013 at 4:20 PM UTC
How do I learn to truly forgive myself?
How do I stop blaming myself
for the mistakes I have made?
How do I find peace within
myself to move forward,
instead of always looking backwards?
How do I turn this around,
before I totally lose myself again?
These questions haunt me
each and every day.
Just when I think I am making
even the smallest of steps forward,
there is something, or someone,
who pulls me back –
back down into the abyss
of pure sorrow and shame.
Sorrow of love gone wrong, or lost;
shame for allowing it to
consume such a beautiful heart, and mind.
I know that I must learn to forgive myself
for all of my errors of judgment,
which is one of the hardest things
I have ever had to face.
Being one’s own worst enemy,
while facing the deepest of all criticisms,
is very hard to overcome,
especially, when you lose sight of
the light at the end of the tunnel.
My faith deserts me when
I need it the most.
I am solely living on the outside,
while slowly dying in the inside.
I see, nor feel, any real purpose.
Am I always meant to loom
in another’s shadow?
Never to reap the benefits
of all that I have invested?
Never to be acknowledged
for having a good heart?
Never feeling like I will
ever be truly loved,
or cherished, for the
person that I am?
What does it truly take
for someone to see
the worth in me?
All these questions,
while not having the answers
makes it hard to believe
that you matter that much
to all those around you.
Am I just going to always be
an afterthought,
instead of, a forethought?
What more can I do to
prove my own worthiness?
Will I perpetually be stuck
in uncertainties of my own
self-doubt?
Will I ever truly find my
place in this world?
All these questions constantly
swirl in my mind, as I try
to figure out the answers.
The pressure of finding
these answers lies
heavily on my shoulders.
I am a strong woman, indeed,
but when I face one
challenge after another,
without truly healing,
I tend to find myself
questioning my own existence.
I do not want to be remembered
as a woman who was always in pain.
I want my self-description to be of
a woman, who despite her
many adversities, found her
sense of being, as an example to others.
Life is exactly what we make of it.
If I continue to allow myself to
wallow in these fears,
then I have truly succumbed to
own my demise.
Even with the most clouded
of mind, I know I can not
allow this anymore.
I know that my heart
cannot endure the pain
and disappointment that it bears.
So, I must learn to recognize
that I am human, and that
I will make mistakes.
How I learn from these mistakes
is what separates me from another -
it is what defines my uniqueness.
Regardless of the loneliness
that surrounds me constantly,
I must remember that I am
needed, and wanted, by others.
The only way to do this
is to try to forgive myself,
while realizing,
that those who also recognize
my true beauty are the ones
that deserve to be part of my life.
As the haze lifts more and more each day,
I do believe I will find my way again.
Just some more bumps along this
road that they call life.
Vicki A. Zinn
May 27, 2013
May 27, 2013
May 27, 2013 at 12:19 PM UTC
A year of my life has come and gone,
as though it passed
in just a second’s time.
I had lived many days
filled with so much regret;
continually asking myself
what if I had been
the person I am now,
would it had made
a difference in our outcome?
I realize now that
we are two different people.
But, does it really matter
that we grew up differently,
or one has more than the other?
Because I know, and believe,
that true love stems
from an internal understanding
of one another, and is
not based on materialism,
or circumstance.
Letting go of the regrets
has freed me from a life of guilt,
and “what if’s.”
I am proud of the woman I am now.
I know that I could not have done
anything differently,
or I could not have
loved you more than I did,
not only with my words,
but, with my actions, also.
I am now free to find a new start,
a new direction.
Without this burden,
I can clearly discover
what the world
has in store for me now -
whether that means a new love,
or a new dream.
Whatever it is,
I am not so sure, right now.
But, with each day,
the path will become
much clearer in my mind;
as this haze of uncertainty,
which is like the early morning fog,
that envelopes the countryside,
will begin to dissipate
little by little, with time.
At least now I am not
so scared of failure,
as I have been taught a very
valuable lesson.
I have learned,
in a very hard way
that letting go
is not as simple as
one thinks it should be.
However, it is
truly necessary
in order to proceed
through the new door
that has just opened
before your eyes.
Vicki A. Zinn
May 4th, 2013
May 4, 2013
May 4, 2013 at 10:41 AM UTC