I LOVE YOU
i love you from a far
i love you from the pictures we took
i love the way we used to be when you upheld the lie
I WANT YOU
i want you near me even though i know we can't
i want you to hold me and make me feel safe again
i want the lie to be the truth
I HATE YOU
i hate you for keeping up your lie
i hate you for how hard i fell for you
i hate you for i cannot get rid of those feelings
I LOATH YOU
i loath you for still wanting to be in my life
i loath you for moving on
i loath you for all the pain you caused
this hurting i feel
is the last piece of you i get to hold close
so i know therefore that i will never get over you
i will never be the one to wake you up with a kiss
i will never know what it would be like if were able to love again
i will never know what kind of life we could have had.
I FORGIVE YOU
i forgive you for leading me on
i forgive you for loving me; for i loved you too
i forgive myself for loving you
Oct 2, 2018
Oct 2, 2018 at 7:00 PM UTC
be on time
be there
make sure he knows
tell him all the time
try not to be too clingy
try not to make a fool out of yourself
- Why is he not responding?
leave it, its probably nothing
- I am worried
about what? he is just with his friends..
- That i am too much too handle
- That i am too much of an effort for someone
- That i am not enough
- That he takes no intrest in my day
- That i do not talk to him after he finishes work
Wow, you ******
- I dont want to be
- I am afraid
- I am afraid that he will regret me
- I am afraid that he will leave
- I am afraid that he might thinks i am too needy
- I am afraid with everything i do / or say
- I am afraid he does not realize he is IT.
- At least he is for me.
May 17, 2018
May 17, 2018 at 3:37 PM UTC
something inside takes me over
in the blink of an eye
smuthering my clear thought with anxiety i cant not be freed from
my mind takes me to places where i think i did you wrong
did i?
do you not have any regrets at all?
not even a single one?
about me?
i feel alone and misunderstood
i feel as if i did or said something wrong
''Express it to me'' - you say
but expressing these terrifying thought to you
is worse then admitting that i am scared to lose you
so i cry and hope you reach out to me
after all, you said you would.
you said you missed me too but what if i read between your lines and therefore i misunderstood?
insecure as a tanktop on a 'big girl'
i feel big
I do not feel pretty nor can i understand how you could be in love with me?
the best time is when i am with you, because then my thoughts do not wonder. i feel safe and loved.
so why am i thinking this way?
May 17, 2018
May 17, 2018 at 3:27 PM UTC
Hi there,
When I say how are you?
I mean to say thank you.
When I say Fine and look into your eyes
I mean to say thank you for saving me
And what I mean by that is this:
My story is not a pleasant one.
I carry it all on my body
The abuse being my strechmarks,
The pain being my scars,
Every mole I have will tell me a story
And none of them were pleasent
I self-harmed, self-medicated, self-taught everything that made it all worse.
Let the makeup become my day to day mask that hides my pain from the outside world.
Let the partys be the good excuses to self medicate in alcohol and drugs, for that was the only way I would not lay in bed alone, sober, with my thoughts.
I let the warm bodies of men become my doctors for when I would need a check-up. And I needed them a lot.
Then I met you, and from that first moment our eyes locked I stopped thinking about the check ups from the warm bodies, the sober thoughts i couldnt handle without my party excuses and the way I wanted you all to see me.
The first thing you said to me was 'Its okay, I see through your wall'
With those words you have changed me. made me want to have fun, but with you. I let you brake down my wall without any struggle, as if i were an animal which just came out of hybernation. ready to start again, to start fresh.
While some time has passed now, you have created a distance. you said you needed it and i was fine. no, i wasnt fine, i just said i was fine cause i wanted you to believe that you have 'fixed' me. with every unanswered phone call and every message left on read. I BREAK.
My heart turns into thousand little mirrors which you break again one by one with the push of the off button on your phone. you repair those pieces with your superglue. your superglue is hot and steamy but unreal. After healing me again you leave me. AGAIN, this time for good. And i am left jet again with what is now a million pieces of mirror. the reflection will never be the same.
So I go back to the warm bodies from who i need a check-up to tell me I am still beautifull. even only in that moment. So I go back to the clubs and make excuses for my self-medicating ways. So I go back to the safety of my makeup so no one will know how broken I am.
And still, I blame myself.
Apr 5, 2018
Apr 5, 2018 at 3:38 PM UTC
She feels alone in a crowd
She laughs at the wrong things
She prays to none
She listens to the voices in her head
She doesnt do meal plans
She always forgets
She never forgives
She.
This she could be you
One of these points reflect back to yourself
She is all of us
She is none of us
She is a daughter
She is a mother
She is a goddess
She is me
Jan 31, 2018
Jan 31, 2018 at 9:23 AM UTC
It feels like people pressing up against you in a crowded train
Both the train and I are going somewhere just like every other human in here
Through the forrest of humans holdig on to the grips falling from the ceiling
I see you
The light in this train
The song I can not get out of my head
Your gaze
Your smile
Your all
You
Thats what captivating means
The lingering burden of wanting you from the very first moment our eyes met
I knew right away even while we take the same train every day for the last six months
That i could never have you
Never hold you
Never know you
Just as I get out of the train
You reach for me from a far
But as my train ride is over
So is your captivating gaze
I wait untill the next time you will captivate me in your gaze
Till tomorrow my lingering burden
Jan 31, 2018
Jan 31, 2018 at 9:16 AM UTC
the moment i met you felt like
fireflies in a jar
a fly in a spiderweb
a fallen on the ground popsicle
an ancient love story in my own head
all beautifull but captivating
your kiss kept me longing
your touch kept me soft
your smile was my crack
and i couldnt get enough
all the feels, the best of them
and than comes the feelings
hitting me harder than a train hitting a car
devastating in your own way
perfectly broken in love
the story to be told
is yet another beautifull train wreck
i wait for another taste of you
i long for your smuthering gaze
your the only high i want to endure
broken perfectly
Jan 22, 2018
Jan 22, 2018 at 4:50 PM UTC
So far, so near
How come i feel unable to breathe when ur not near.
Nearly there thats all we say,
We both know here, this land, is my place to stay.
You say you want me to be around
But there are plenty that wouldnt clown around
For no specific reason at all i loath you
Just know it is your desire for me that drove you
You lied when i told the truth,
You cried seeing me happy on facebook
Telling me to puton some **** for you,
Nah, i think ill pass right after ill put your *** on blast
Dec 24, 2016
Dec 24, 2016 at 7:10 PM UTC
Keep me in the dark,
I dont want to see your true self.
Never mind me asking,
But why did you needed my help?
You called me a princess,
You said i changed your life!
But all this time you were waiting for me to open up to you.
So you could beat your ''wife''.
Sometimes i sit in the dark,
Its the only place my mind can go free
The only place without any burdens
The only place with terrifing memories.
To not be able to come out of the dark,
and just step into the light.
It aint that easy to lower your walls down
and keep my head up with pride
Because what pride would i have left?
When my experiences with men are unpleasent.
If i were to go back
and let him hit me
Again with the bruises,
again with the pain
I cant take it no more,
need morphine to ease my pain
I TRUSTED YOU
you betrayed me
you knocked me to the floor
while swearing it was to save me.
Dec 6, 2016
Dec 6, 2016 at 4:11 PM UTC
Who were you, lost betrayed.
I left you, i should've stayed.
Your story ended, harsh slow.
As you sat there weeping "Where did you go".
I walked out, angry afraid.
It wasn't your fault, I pushed you to far.
My storys ending, alone depressed.
I sit here silent thinking "you were everything"
I'm coming to you, painless escape.
It was always my fault, I should've stayed
Jan 23, 2016
Jan 23, 2016 at 4:54 PM UTC