I wish to recede into me
To cover every blemish and scar
Stifle every broken promise and empty sentence
Degrade into the nothing I have so tenderly housed in my presence
And when the final utterance of my name has passed the lips of the one speaking me into existence for the last time
I shall know peace
Forget me please
Nov 13, 2017
Nov 13, 2017 at 1:51 AM UTC
I wake up tired of the sounds and sights and feelings of me
And being is a chore and believing is weak
In the face of my hate for the reflection I see
Not a single thing with which to agree
And that's fine
And this is sad
And I hurt
Quietly
But I scream behind this screen
With letters filled with grief
At least the writings good
Or so I'd like to think
A lie that I could take something so horrid
And give it a pretty face
Could just be ****
I'll sink with this ship
I'll learn my place
Quietly
So I hope the water is warm when it fills my lungs
And I hope I don't bother when I finally succumb
I'll do my best to leave how I lived
So don't break the streak of absentmindedness
While I cease to exist
Quietly
Nov 12, 2017
Nov 12, 2017 at 11:36 PM UTC
Through a red stained window
I watched a friend lose their head
And coupled with regret I was filled with a hope
That maybe the blade would fail to descend on the neck of the soul in turmoil and end the berating.
The scent of fear finally fading
A sense of complacency
Come to a place that half matches decency
But it's deceit.
The blade calls and falls
Claws and hungers
Hands unbound, hold yourself still
Commence the sentence given in a voice of the same pitch and tone of the one coming from your throat
A traitor to your own
A blade buried home
A mind on the run
Forever doomed to roam
Nov 4, 2017
Nov 4, 2017 at 7:06 PM UTC
A stranger says hello
With eyes that appraised a soul
More vast than any ocean known
A woman says hello
With a smile that pierces holes
In a heart wanting to be whole
An acquaintance says hello
With a laugh as rare as gold
Igniting a fire inside so bold
A friend says hello
With a brilliant mind bestowed
Sharing all there is to be told
A lover says hello
With a promise to never let go
To face the world but not alone
But…
With eyes that have become blind
And only a puddle of a soul to find
A lover says goodbye
With a forced smile questioning why
To a heart struggling to stay alive
A friend says goodbye
With a cry so dead and so dry
Carrying the fire away to die
An acquaintance says goodbye
With a closed off mind full of lies
Sharing every tall tale just to get by
A woman says goodbye
With promises to get left behind
So scared of what there is inside
A stranger says goodbye
Aug 7, 2015
Aug 7, 2015 at 12:45 AM UTC
Yearning for some order I notice patterns in the pavement
Racing lines, creating ties, crossing T's and dotting I's
Grainy memories collide with one another as I wonder
Pondering the source of my observant sense leaving life in sunder
Beautifully benign to me, remembering the sea of color
Yellow, red, green, purple, blue
Reeling up and down and out and through
Galavanting as I grinned, lost in patterns I felt within
Perhaps I long for those times of innocent whim
But now all I see in the patterns are flaws
Yelling their inconsistencies
Rendering my blissful thoughts impossibly apart from me
Pacing mind leaving grooves behind my eyes
Partially lost in myself, watching a slow unwind
Beckoning me closer, one step at a time
Jan 5, 2015
Jan 5, 2015 at 10:17 PM UTC
Wind blows outside of my window
Pressing smooth yet firm fingers against my home
My mind roams and I imagine the glass smashing
Raining rainbows upon my mattress
How delicate that glass is.
I lie still as the windy hand takes grasp of my roof
Tearing the splintering wood into two
Harming the home that was bathed in my youth
How weak that wood is.
Whipping through every crevice it took
Parts of me, torn pages from books
Picture nothing left, so I take a look
An empty book except for the scars
How mindless those memories are.
Fingers reach and grasp the bed on which I lay my head
Soon deciding to drop the rest and hold onto to me instead
Causing a violent wind that can only press
Who I am explodes in my chest
How easily succumbed this heart is.
But I find I am back in my room
No invisible fingers summoning doom
And the window shakes from these thundering quakes
But I find it does not break
How sturdy that glass is.
The shingles shutter and the wood utters
Cries and groaning stutters
But I find my home still stands as a whole
Full of youthful glow
How strong that wood is.
And who I am is not flying past
Away to become a memory passed
Each piece has a place in this place meant to last
And each scar has a story, lessons amassed
How brilliant these memories are.
Now I lie still, in a bed untouched my body in one piece
A steady beat, is heard beneath
As the wind lulls me to sleep
Dreams of living and being alive form and flow from me
How beautifully resilient this heart is.
Dec 22, 2014
Dec 22, 2014 at 4:44 AM UTC
Gone it seems are the days when I would structure words with grace.
A perfect place for them to stay,
To say what I need to display.
I struggle hard to find a way,
To keep the evil thoughts at bay.
The ones that threaten to destroy
and scream promises to take.
And the longer I live in their wake,
The more it seems I'm not awake.
This is a dream, I'm far away.
The nightmares chase,
I am disgraced.
They see the fear so clear on my face.
I break.
I know I cannot be ok.
They have all of me, those ******* snakes!
They promised me an artistic state!
So I could orchestrate my voice across this page.
I've traded everything for this,
I've lost my happiness.
To make these words sit, so beautifully primped.
To impress blank faces, I'm tired of this!
So imagine for just a moment,
A person sitting ever so lonely.
He writes what he writes,
While he fights with the light,
The one that shows all of your demons that hide out of sight,
And he cries.
Because the world seen is beautiful in his eyes.
But not from naivety,
He knows so well the horrid underside.
But he loves it.
What would he write about otherwise?
He needs it.
What else could inspire his mind?
He craves it.
All while it eats him alive.
Is addiction to sadness any less potent than madness?
I didn't choose this!
What's to gain?
Words in exchange for sane
Thoughts in my brain I can't explain.
Maybe I won't ever be able to.
Dec 15, 2014
Dec 15, 2014 at 7:40 PM UTC
It seems no matter what I do I cannot control my words
And the stories I have grown on my own are hesitant to be told
I feel a block is in my throat
And a numbness in my hands
And the only thing that grows is the frustration toward this blandness
Rigorous in searching this I've found myself no release
And I scream
I scream
I scream for me to find words that I believe
My anger reaves more than I think
I can't find a ******* break and no one can ******* see
Don't you find beauty in my unraveling?
In a mind swallowed by the sea?
Am I capturing the picture well enough for you to be a part of me
I hope you see
I hope you scream
And scream
And scream until you understand the feelings that I cannot help but be
I do not do this for amusement
I don't do it for you
I don't do it for praise
Or for you to find truth
I do it to avoid release in my youth
From a rope
Or a gun
Or a bus on the move
I DON'T DO THIS FOR AMUSEMENT
But boy is it fun
I DON'T DO THIS FOR YOU
But I want you around
I DON'T DO THIS FOR PRAISE
But I love the sound
I DON'T DO THIS FOR THE TRUTH
But it's something I've found
So I scream
And scream
And scream until I write these dreams down
Dec 15, 2014
Dec 15, 2014 at 12:39 AM UTC
I stand in the center of a balance beam,
Between what you want and think I need.
I am lost, still in search of me.
How can I save you?
Your honeyed words in my mind.
Sticky with the memory of your sickly, sweet lies.
You claim love but how can I find,
The truth behind these words, I have tried.
Do you know who I am?
Do you know that I'm lost, still in search of me?
How can I save you?
You smile your broken smile at me still as bright as the sun.
While your eyes tell a story of the hurt that's been done.
And I want to hug you until your smile becomes one,
And kiss your eyes until they see nothing but love.
But you don't know.
You don't know that I'm lost.
Still in search of me.
You don't know that I can't save you.
Dec 13, 2014
Dec 13, 2014 at 10:56 PM UTC
So much is put on the passing of a second
Pressed with the weight of a world
Like sand they slip through grasping hands
The ever growing pile of a fruitless build
We long for control, a sense of being
To know who we are, and what we're seeing
Counting, keeping track of this and that
We're lost in numbers instead of life
In fact we can't ever seem to find the time
But what do we lack?
It is not time
It's the same thing other creatures do have
The ability to live instead of keeping track
Never asking for time back
Or for more
They just are
So instead be like a sparrow, or a fox, or a fawn
And stop counting the moments from a watch on your arm
Don't document life with a series of ticks
Take back your freedom
You've got a life to live
Dec 13, 2014
Dec 13, 2014 at 1:08 AM UTC