andrew-kerklaan
Canadian
This used to be a place for my love and expression but it seems to have slipped into the depths of my depression. My apologies to any who were following for my glimpses of hope. Maybe one day things will change / / / / / / "One day I will float away."
Everything I know I have assumed.
A sense of shame and humility, bewilderment. I don’t know where to start.
Everything is a gift! In some capacity or another - it wasn’t ours to begin with.
Is it just my nature? Is that what I owe to history? Assumption?
I don’t want to participate if it has to be this is how we “behave”.
Yet my pain is so intense when I have to go without these addictions I’ve adapted myself to be born into.
I know no other way. Every path has led me back to this conclusion. I fight and lose my fury. I run but I can’t escape. I eat but am never satiated. My CALM is a sense of unrest.
But I keep you, and I feel you will always be with me.
Writing my suicide note with my one unconscious hand and shooting me with the other.
A sicko ****** fantasy. I’m sure you could bet on it. Just put it on my tab!
Jan 14, 2021
Jan 14, 2021 at 2:47 PM UTC
Sometimes I want to do something reckless while thinking about you
I know that it's selfish of me, but I don't want to have to miss you
I wish that I could say for certainty that you'll be there when I arrive, but what if I don't?
I want to walk a tight rope with my eyes closed
I know you'll be with me
I feel you in my tears as I take my final steps toward the edge
The time is right for me here.
I'm with you now.
It's been too long
My friend.
Where have you been?
I love you!
Aug 12, 2019
Aug 12, 2019 at 11:50 PM UTC
My mom always used to say if you don't have anything nice to say then say
Dec 5, 2018
Dec 5, 2018 at 10:06 PM UTC
Panic grips me in these moments...
When the paradigm shifts and the rumbling quake of unfortifiable change comes rolling in
I am crushed beneath the weight of this apocalypse
Coronation day has come and now I’m the fool.
King of the flaming smitherines of my own self proclaimed independence
Hallelujah
Nov 28, 2018
Nov 28, 2018 at 3:03 PM UTC
An echo in time reverberating reaches me again and again - - louder each succession
The silhouette of a suicide splatters the pavement just over my shoulder
-A piece of trash to be thrown away.
But disregard this dismissal, I'm still with you now.
This stain's presence is undeniable though, you know this has to happen eventually...
I feel as though the truth itself is captive in all this, for to speak it's name is to summon it's awful presence.
-A punishable offense to be met with seizure and entrapment in the name of greater good (Bah!)
Tell me though, who gave you the right to take the right away from me?
Perhaps one day you'll learn to understand this; that not all choices are given, some are simply ****** upon you.
The option is optional, but the choice is not given.
Jun 29, 2018
Jun 29, 2018 at 12:06 PM UTC
Glass ticking like cold plastic
My fingers thrum hopelessly in the hopes of drumming up a solution to a problem with an issue of loss.
This dilemma has found me at the end of my rope and I fear the knots in my stomach are only getting tighter as I squeeze you closer to me now.
Why can't I help me?
I won't let you do it for me.
But must I force feed you the truth?
I'm not hungry for this day any more. Fighting this sickness, I choke back another spoonful of medicine...
--And what am I supposed to do now then?!
Frustration consumes me.
I am bile. The emptiness inside, that fills me with rot.
I'm hollow!!
Somebody save me from myself! I want to self-destruct and not be okay anymore.
I want to fly a Subaru into the sun on fire.
*I'm just so ******
Just leave me behind and maybe I can decompose into something useful and that actually wants to be here and maybe after that I can finally float away from here...
Wouldn't that be okay?
Why should I have to stay.
I never belonged here any way.
Jun 15, 2018
Jun 15, 2018 at 11:16 AM UTC
What do you mean come to the wake?
Aren't you coming over still?
I thought you had a show next week...
Wasn't that you on the phone the other day?
When did we last speak?
Was it in good context as I remember it was?
I just can't conceive to believe that you're not.
How can I come to your wake when I'm still only dreaming?
Who will I go with?
Surely not you...
It couldn't be.
I just won't believe. I'm not going to leave.
I can't be at a wake for a man that hasn't died yet...
I simply refuse to believe.
Jun 15, 2018
Jun 15, 2018 at 10:44 AM UTC
"If I wanted to breathe air, then I wouldn't be smoking"
Simple as that
Jun 1, 2018
Jun 1, 2018 at 11:46 PM UTC
I was hesitant at first to tell you and a little scared to admit it, but when I really thought about it, one statement rang true
"Love is not time"
and that is what really stuck with me.
And this love that I hold now is for you
Mar 22, 2018
Mar 22, 2018 at 12:09 AM UTC